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Ayo whaddup, it’s ya boy Grey Albright aka the Fantasy Master Lothario aka White Chocolate aka The Ladder You Use To Reach New Heights aka The God Particle aka Supreme Court Judge Reinhold aka Paid Overtime aka Close Parking Spot When You’re In A Rush aka Al Swearengen’s Swearing Dictionary aka Teacher, We Don’t Need No Education aka The Weird Guy That Latches Onto The Main Character In Oscar Films I Think His Name Is Paul Dano aka The Butcher, The Baker and The Candlestick Maker.  I just spent thirty minutes looking up what Jere Burns has been up to.  Ah, the offseason.  You are a soothing mistress that touches my naughty bits with idle hands.  He’s apparently been doing a bunch, but less than the dad from 7th Heaven, thankfully.  A quick preamble about the 2015 fantasy baseball rookie series that is coming from me over the next few weeks.  Rookies could get a post if they meet MLB eligibility requirements, less than 130 ABs or 50 IP.  That means no Arismendy Alcantara, no Jimmy Nelson and no Javier Baez.  In 2012, the first player I highlighted was Mike Trout.  That wasn’t an accident.  I said in the Mike Trout post, “He’s ranked number one for me. Numero uno. The Big Mahoff. He’s the big Statue of Liberty in New York, not that girly one in Paris!”  In 2013, the first player I highlighted was Wil Myers (when he was good; you remember that).  Last year, I highlighted Billy Hamilton first.  You see a pattern?  Eh, slow your juices on the thinking.  I’ll tell you.  The first rookie I highlight will be the top rookie for fantasy.  This prospect isn’t no ordinary man, this is the prospect I be seeing in my sleep.  Jorge Soler will be your number one 2015 fantasy baseball rookie. Will he be joined on the Cubs by the best core of major league rookies since Cal Ripken’s rookie card?  Will Soler be named to the All-Century Team in 86 years or edged out by a robot with grabby hands named the Hitter-Tron that my great-great-nephew will sue due to trademark infringement only to find out it’s the same Hitter-Tron that once graced this little fantasy baseball blog called Razzball?  Can Soler be a number one outfielder in 2015?  So many questions and so little time to look up Jere Burns info!  Anyway, what can we expect of Jorge Soler for 2015 fantasy baseball?

Imagine a hamburger patty that is 215 pounds, standing six-foot four-inches and is 22 years old.  That’s Soler!   Okay, that actually sounds gross and more like Prince Fielder.  Soler is the sexiest ingenue to appear on the silver screen since Joanna Kerns hopped on The Love Boat in 1976.  Hot Cougar Poll!  Joanna Kerns, the smoking hot 61-year-old or runner-up to a 94-year-old Sophia Loren?  Is Sophia Loren alive?  I don’t care; she’s still hot!  Last year, Soler gave us a little taste of what we can expect of him when, in 24 games, he hit .292 and 5 homers with a steal.  Most times I’d throw out that small sample size like I was Lorena Bobbitt dressed like a mohel.  By the by, can someone else slice off a dong so I can update my references?  With Soler, I’m keeping that small sample size because everything he did prior in the minors shows us essentially the same thing.  In Triple-A last year (or Tripoli-A as it’s called in Libya), he had 8 homers and a .282 average in 32 games.  In Double-A (or Double-IS as it’s called in Iraq; hey, I’m covering my bases in case we get taken over), 22 games and 6 homers with a .415 average.  The pattern is as clear as that flannel shirt you had Eddie Vedder autograph.  Doode hits for power and average like a boss.  Backtracking for a second, I mentioned Trout, Myers and Hamilton earlier.  Trout and Hamilton had clear-cut speed that added to their fantasy value.  If they slumped, they’d still give steals.  So, in this respect, Soler is more like Myers — 25 HR-ish, 5 steals-like and a .280-around average.  I’d even say Myers and Soler could have similar value next year.  (Forget that Myers screwed you over in 2014, this is about 2015 and he was hurt.)  For 2015, I’ll give Soler the projections of 73/25/81/.278/5.  As we learned from last year’s recaps, there’s no offense and a 25 HR, 5 SB line is around that of a top 20 outfielder.  Hey, don’t blame the messenger.  Yes, I’m in love with Soler already and will now start watching Justified; turns out Jere Burns has a juicy role!