Happy Easter, festive heathen Razzaholics. You look so cute in your
Easter bonnet. Have one of these Cadbury eggs I injected with Makers Mark, all Hunter S. Thompson-style. Now that’s a scotch egg! Come on funny feelings. Eat three of these and you’ll be seeing that
Donnie Darko bunny in the mirror for a week. We’re going on a little Easter egg hunt today looking to fill our basket with sweet delicious bargains that’ll resurrect our ruined roster. Despite being crucified by injuries this season (I’ve lost
[player]Matt Latos[/player],
[player]Ryan Zimmerman[/player],
[player]David Robertson[/player] and now
[player]Michael Cuddyer[/player]) your humble-but-nonetheless-handsome Guru is still hanging in there with three of my five RCL teams in the top three of the standings. While it’s still early, standings can change quickly and one bad week could ruin me. I’m hurting for power and the SAGNOF! has been elusive thus far. That’s what we’re looking for today – homers, steals and saves. So strip out your Sunday best, toss the Easter tree out onto the front porch and stuff your face with Peeps, it’s time to jam it or cram it.
This should go down easier than [player]Danny Salazar[/player]'s last start, but it's still not going to be that easy to digest. You have a Tums handy? Good, take like seven of them. Don't worry, if they give you kidney stones, it will take your mind off of K-Zar. Something is wrong. I hypothesized that he was tipping his pitches last time. It didn't make sense that he would strikeout more guys in four innings than anyone has ever while still getting rocked. Maybe he is, I still have no idea. I don't have my degree from the University of Pitch Scouting, which is still in a heated lawsuit with the United Parcel Service. You should sign the online petition for the United Parcel Service to change to the acronym NBU for Nice Brown Uniforms. If an online petition can't get something changed, what can? Member when people actually protested things and not just clicked a box on an online petition site? Those in-person protestors were silly! Any the hoo! A larger problem with K-Zar is his velocity is down. Still decent for most mortals, but he could be hiding a larger issue with his arm. The other day when he K'd ten guys in four innings, it might've masked a bigger problem. Yesterday's start was a real eye-opener -- 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER and only 3 Ks -- is terrible. That's not tipping pitches, that's something is wrong. The final ruling on K-Zar is you should hold him if you can, but I don't think the short-term is going to be pretty. Obviously, you can't start him next time out or until he throws a decent start. Anyway, here's what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
The Houston Astros who crawled through a river of shizz and came out clean on the other side. The entire organization looks up in the air, rain beating down. Hey, Bus Driver, take the Astros to Zanwhattwonahwho, they finally called up [player]George Springer[/player]! No, I don't know how to spell it! With a Z? For an organization that hasn't had anything promising since Billy Hatcher homered off a left-field foul pole, it's about time there's something to look forward to. They were downright depressing there for about seven years. Here's what I said this offseason, "In Triple-A, Springer had 18 homers after hitting 19 homers in Double-A. That’s not one year in Double-A and one year in Triple-A even though my syntax might lead you to believe that. He hit 37 homers last year in the minors. Hello, sexy, what’s your name? Do you like your creme de menthe on the rocks? Can I call you grasshopper? 37 homers is pretttttay, pretttttay good. I wonder if he can do anything else. *moves finger along his minor league line* Hmm, too bad he only stole 45 bases last year. Oh. Wait, come again? I mean, I just came again. 40-steal speed from a guy that nearly hit 40 homers? Yummo on that Thirty Minute Meal. Give me some Restaurant: Stakeout, my waitress is sexting her boyfriend during business hours! So, I guess his average is atrocious. Oh, he hit .311 in Triple-A? Yeah, I just had a fangasm; I have to change my undershorts. Is it all peaches and cream on this big slice of pound cake? No, there’s a K-rate that could portend him actually hitting .245 in the big leagues and I wish he were a year younger, but nothing is spelling D-O-O-M." And that's me quoting me! I lurve me some Springer and he's ownable in every league. My preseason projections for him were 52/19/71/.254/22, but that was with a full season at-bats. Now that he's missed about two weeks, I'd cut off a few counting stats, but not much. He could be a 20/20 player. Go get him! Anyway, here's what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Just kidding. I actually had Tommy John surgery while typing this. Because all the kids are doing it nowadays. It's so hip,
Von Miller went to see Dr. Andrews before it was cool. So what's the deal here with all of these injuries? Is it the lack of steroids? HGH? Greenies? Cocaine? Naw, cocaine is still present in the game. How else do you explain Matt Williams' and Fredi Gonzalez's line-up cards? Either they're trolling us, or they're making it snow in their offices. What this post presupposes is, maybe it's both? Anyhow, let's take a gander at what's going on in your RCL universe. I say it's yours, because I think I'm the only person who has 10 teams, AND 90% of them are taking on water and sinking. Water from the tears that I cry when fantasy baseball goes wrong. OR from global warming. In which case, whew, I'm not a polar bear. So there's that, I guess.
He's just lucky his name isn't Kicked-In Nuts Bailey. If you turned a paper into your English prof and named the homer-prone pitcher, [player]Homer Bailey[/player], your prof would say it's too expository. But the prof might've been more forgiving if you hadn't named the mayor, Billy Gladhand; the police chief, Officer Corruptski and the fro-yo cashier, Barry Tart. It's almost too ridiculous to be believable what Homer Bailey did yesterday. He gave up two back-to-back homers in two different innings, while also striking out the side. Who are you, Danny Salazar? No, you are not Danny Salazar! You're supposed to be more reliable! (Oh, and the game was suspended, but you still get all of Bailey's glorious stats. Lucky you. Or Yu, if Darvish is reading.) If you play in a Benjamin Netanyahu league were xFIP is a category, you're doing well. Everyone else would like to kill someone. Potentially me since I advocated drafting Bailey. It takes alligator blood to check raise the bettor, but, after he struck out nine in only five innings yesterday (and gave up a shizz load of homers), I'd say now is the time to buy low on Bailey. Anyway, here's what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
I don’t practice Santeria. I ain’t got no crystal ball. Well, if I had $6, I’d spend it all...
…I’d spend it on these Corner Infielders (owned <10% on ESPN as of 4/3)! They are placed in the order of my zeal, because my zeal smells nice and fresh. What does that even mean? Post now includes bonus CI Prospect list as well! (And maybe thermal packaging. What can I say? It's a demand-driven commodity.) Follow me after the jump to find out what this all means... maybe.
Well, it sorta began last week, but there wasn't really anything to report. We had one day of stats and a whole lot of
J-FOH to deal with. Speaking of, I should point out that he did a wonderful job filling in for me
last week as I traveled to the Bahamas and had a plethora of little umbrella drinks placed around my general vicinity. Haha, just kidding, I don't drink anything with umbrellas in them. And the Bahamas are what I call my bar "area". Which is really just a shelf with several Makers Mark bottles that have varying levels of fullness. I could have said emptiness, but I'm an optimist. And probably an alcoholic. That being said, we're here now, together, once again, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I mean, I might, but that involves you buying me a steak dinner. Speaking of ways into my heart, Rudy has found a way to become legend to my soul, and you'll learn what that is after the jump. So let's start the story of your 2014 RCL Season...
Back when Tiger was actually playing in The Masters… Back when he was getting it in all the holes that span the globe before the competition even saw the green… Way back then, the swing perts were gushing about the Stack and Tilt. There was a perverse infatuation with Tiger’s swing and everyone was puttin it on a pedestal. The real (fantasy) playas knew not to put it on a pedestal. But, oh, the irony! Tiger’s swingin brought him to the depths of mediocrity and shame! The golf world tossed aside the Stack and Tilt.
Luckily, rich white dudes’ trash is a fantasy industry worker's treasure (think $1 bills and mainstream champagne.) The ladies and occasional gentlemen (yes, I use this term “loosely”) of the industry, seamlessly mainstreamed the Stack and Tilt. Of course, the modern day Stack and Tilt uses moves that are far more rhythmic and risqué. What we’re gonna do here is teach you how to acquire some of said $1 bills at
DraftKings today by teaching you how to do the Stack and Tilt
so you can tear da club up. Let’s twerk it Razzball style!
Now that you got the dance down, don’t forget all the shiny accessories to lead your happy self to glory today. Put your
Hittertron on, splash on the
Stream-o-nator and brush up on the
basics one more time. Remember, you gotta sell yourself. Here’s your pitch:
It's nice when your chickens come home to roost. Sure, chickens coming home to roost is usually used to indicate a negative, but whoever heard of roosted chickens not being delicious. Lemon pepper, rosemary and roosted chickens is my favorite menu item and this Chinese restaurant has the best #3 in town. So, now, chickens coming home to roost is a positive and so is [player]Todd Frazier[/player] with two jacks yesterday like Nicholson in Mars Attacks!. Frazier has long been a favorite of mine -- we were younger then, and you had more hair. I hit you with a sleeper post for him in 2013 and again this offseason. There I said, "(Frazier) dropped his K-rate from 22.2% in 2012 to 20.8% last year. This was counteracted by a falling line drive rate (22.4% to 18.1%). Make weak contact and balls get caught and your BABIP falls. His fly ball rate fell too. When a fly ball rate falls in a hitters’ park, your power numbers appear less than desirable. Cause and effin’ effect or effin’ affect or affin’ effect or affin’ affect. BTW, what’s a humpageddon? A pornmanteau. Take it, it’s yours. The good news is when Frazier did hit a home run, he hit them a long way (average distance was 403 feet). He was right there at the top of the league for guys who averaged the longest distance per home run. When he hit six homers (this past) September in only 88 ABs, it showed the player he can be every month." And that's me quoting me! Still, love Frazier, unlike a lot of you since he's only owned in 50% of leagues. I'd absolutely grab him if he were available in my league. Anyway, here's what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
As the seminal prog band Emerson, Lake and Laura Palmer once sang:
“Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends, we’re so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside.” (The song went on for 45 minutes before 'Yes' came out and kicked their ass.) Opening day is here and the Razzball Lounge is open for bid'ness. Have a seat, grab a cold one and a pickled egg, and don’t get hypnotized by my bedazzled turban my fantasy freaks. Here in the lounge we dedicated, often celebrated, and usually acquitted (we have a great legal team) Razzballin’ scribes gather every opening day to bicker and banter, indulge and imbibe and moan and marvel at our fantasy teams and Grey’s magnificent ‘stache. On this last lazy Sunday (before things get serious) we find Sky in a dark corner slowing rocking back and forth muttering his mantra of
“Tulo, Tanaka, Trumbo” over and over. Bellying up to the bar is podcasting paladin Nick Capozzi, clad only in his Expos throwback demanding another Labatts, showing off pics of his rolling Razzball ride and asking no one in particular,
“Get your 32in32in32 tickets yet, eh?” Dropping quarters in the jukebox we find Jay Wrong demonstrating his “Paradise by the Dashboard Lights” interpretative dance –
“Will you love me forever?” *bottle smashes above head* Stumbling out of the ladies room is the one and only Tehol Beddict casually zipping up his skinny jeans and introducing his new
lady friend,
“Guys, I’d like to introduce you to my cousin. Ain’t she pretty?” And here at the pool table is your humble-but-nonetheless handsome Guru putting the finishing touches on my 27 rosters. *closes eye, takes aim, sinks eight ball off two rails, drops shot glass into pint, downs boilermaker, lights cigar, sets turban on fire
* With the drinks starting to flow let’s run though the jams and crams at each position for Week 1 of the 2014 fantasy baseball season. We’re not talking Miggy, Trout or Goldy here, we’re looking at players owned in less than 50% of most leagues that could help grab you an early lead on your way to fantasy glory. Good luck this season, it’s time to jam it or cram it.
I typically keep these expert league draft write-ups short but I think this year's Yahoo! Friends & Family draft was an interesting draft to both: 1) Share some of my in-draft thinking and 2) Go off on tangents based on a couple of interesting draft gambits. So apologies in advance for the Tolstoyan/Grantlandian length of this post.
Fantasy baseball draft rooms feel like poker tables. Now I do not play a lot of poker but, for analogy's sake, I'll say there are two types of tables when you play with good players: 1) Strong but predictable play with occasional risks/bluffs and 2) Unpredictable but strong play that takes you out of your comfort zone.
Most leagues we play in fall under the former for 15-team mixed snake drafts (AL/NL-only auctions a whole different beast). There really was not a moment in this year's 15-team mixed
LABR and
KFFL drafts where I felt uncomfortable. I had a general strategy, my values, and the NFBC ADPs. All peachy. I am not saying I dominated those drafts - just that I felt pretty comfortable. It did not hurt that I picked 8th in both those drafts so I did not have to worry as much about position runs.
So, we're running on fumes over here at RCL Update Central. We've talked about the RazzBALLiest and Razz, um, ball-ee-least?? selections. At least I think that's what it was about. Who knows with such things. Then, naturally, we moved to what Clint Eastwood thought of your drafts. Thankfully there were no leagues named 'Empty Chair'. And now that the season has officially started (at least down under), (that's what she said btw...), I'm here to cap things off with something I would call comfort food for the mind. And that's a Star Trek themed post. But that's not all you get in this post. SAY WHAT? We have J-FOH in a supporting role to bring some Star Wars into this. Because a post like this could always use more sci-fi pew pew. And of course he would be the one to have undying love for a franchise that's about to blugdeon us to death for at least ten more years. All so George Lucas' chin can eat more cats.
Regardless, I'm not quite sure how this is going to work, and I'm not quite sure what's going to happen, but if the picture above and the empty Markers Mark bottle to my left is any indication, it's that I need fried food immediately. Also, you should probably set your phasers onto the highest stun setting. Because when we look at my randomly selected RCL drafts, you will get stunned. See what I did there? No, I'm seriously asking if you can see what I typed... everything is so freaking blurry...
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