The Brewers called up shortstop, Jean Segura. ¬†Woohoo! ¬†Now, on various teams, I have Domonic Brown, Mike Olt, Straily, Starling Marte, Brett Jackson, Josh Vitters and some serious Short Eyes. ¬†I’m basically the creepy guy hanging around the playground in my Astrovan, blasting “Hey Nineteen” wearing candy jewelry like I’m Mr. T. ¬†“Psst! ¬†Jean Segura, what kind of speed you got? ¬†Hmm, sounds nice. ¬†You wanna watch Bad News Bears Go To Japan? ¬†I got a Betamax in the back of my van. ¬†What do you mean, ‘Why am I squeezing your hamstrings?’ ¬†I gotta make sure they’re healthy to…uh, watch the movie. ¬†Here, have a wax coke bottle and shut up.” ¬†The rookie nookie is either gonna save some of my teams or I’m gonna go down in a blaze of upside glory. ¬†Segura’s got solid speed and, at middle infidel, you should pick him up for that reason alone. ¬†In 102 games, he had 37 steals in Double-A. ¬†That’s it; that’s all you need. ¬†Now, to further the case, he can maintain a solid average — think around .280. ¬†He doesn’t strike out a whole lot. ¬†Also, he has light power — 7 homers in Double-A. ¬†He’ll probably be a bit more raw (rawer?) than the guy I’m about to compare him to, but he looks similar to…Wait for it… Here it comes…Shoot, I had it in my pocket but I changed my shorts…I know, I left it in my Buddhist sand garden that I built to assuage my Eric Hosmer stress… Here it is! ¬†He looks like he could be Jose Altuve. ¬†Over the course of a season, 7-10 homers, 25-30 steals and a .280-.300 average. ¬†For now, I’d just grab him because of his position eligibility and upside. ¬†Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Todd Helton –¬†Shut down for the season with a bad hip.¬†¬†Trainers are still deciding whether to fix the hip and send Helton to stud or shoot him.¬†¬†While the former might net a future All-Star, the latter would ensure he could be the clubhouse glue in perpetuity.
Manny Banuelos – Yankees shut him down for the season after he threw in 6 games this year. ¬†Cashman said he’s got a full set of Banuelos Rules that echo Joba Rules, only instead of not pitching him in back-to-back games, Banuelos can’t pitch in back-to-back months.
Santiago Casilla – Right after I posted all the major league closers, Bochy announced the Giants would go with a closer-by-committee. ¬†The only thing done better by committee is jerk seasoning, but we’re talking about Bochy here and he’s known for his jerk reasoning. ¬†I grabbed Affeldt in one league where I need saves and I’d look at Romo too, if he were available. ¬†I wouldn’t drop Casilla in most leagues either, unless you’re stocked with closers and don’t need the headache.
Erick Aybar – 3-for-4, 2 runs as he was activated from the DL. ¬†Yeah, but Trout stole three bases! ¬†All right, enough about him. ¬†So, Erick Aybar doesn’t have 19 homers and 36 steals after missing one month of the season and he’s not hitting .348 with a .411 OBP, but he could provide some nice value at MI. ¬†Something Trout can’t claim. ¬†It’s the one thing. ¬†But I’m sure he’s working on it.
Jered Weaver – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks to move his record to 15-1. ¬†You know, I’m not sure the Cy Young voters are gonna care that his ERA and xFIP don’t match up. ¬†Well, Keith Law might.
Zach McAllister – 1 2/3 IP, 2 ER and 7 unearned runs. ¬†Holy ticker shock! ¬†I said you should be looking to drop McAllister after his last start and now that’s a double affirmative. ¬†You gotta love when your pitcher is due to regress but ends up giving up a crapton of unearned runs, bailing you out. ¬†BTW, if you went to Ticker Shock in the glossary, you’ll notice more pronunciations courtesy of Awesomus Maximus’s daughter. ¬†I especially enjoy Cuddle Boy.
Erik Bedard – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 Hits, 0 Walks, 5 Ks, ERA is at 4.53. ¬†Belch, for sure. ¬†When you’re done expelling your gas, you’ll see that if you throw out two terrible starts, his ERA is 3.39 on the year. ¬†And if I were two inches taller I’d be dating a supermodel and dining in the Hamptons with my friends, who call me Gr√©.
Travis Snider – Has now sat out back-to-back games. ¬†Damn, no matter what he can’t get playing time. ¬†Snider could be traded to the Astros and get benched so they can start an extra catcher, you know to back up passed balls.
Nick Markakis – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer. ¬†Markakis! ¬†Let’s just say when I started the blog “Markakis!” had a lot different tone to it. ¬†Now it sounds sarcastic. ¬†Or like Kramden yelling at Norton in the Greek Honeymooners adaption, which would star¬†Andy Milonakis and Constantine from American Idol. ¬†Let’s call it, “The Greek Yogurt with Honeymooners.”
Wade Miley – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, now has a 2.85 ERA. ¬†I think that’ll surprise some people. ¬†He‚Äôs still pitching above his head.¬†¬†Well, he‚Äôs not a sidearmer.¬† Cute, Random Italicized Voice.¬† I mean, he can‚Äôt keep this up.¬† That‚Äôs what she said!¬† What? ¬†I do now hope he gets out of 2012 with an ERA that pretty, so he’s surely overdrafted next year and don’t call me Shirley.
Ben Sheets – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks, ERA is at 1.41. ¬†As the Party Rock Crew would say, Sheets! Sheets! ¬†Sheets!
Prince Fielder – 2-for-3 and his 19th homer. ¬†Now hitting .313 and has 80 RBIs. ¬†Where‚Äôs the love for the big man? ¬†He doesn’t eat meat.¬† For a 400 pound man that should be enough.
Jake Westbrook – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks and the win. ¬†You can pick your nose, you can pick your friends but you can’t pick streamers like the Stream-o-Nator. ¬†In the movie adaptation of Razzball, the Stream-o-Nator will be played by Kevin Dunn as seen on Luck.
Marwin Gonzalez – 1-for-4 with a slam & legs. ¬†If an Astro gets a slam & legs, does it make a sound? ¬†No, no it doesn’t.
Jon Jay¬†– 4-for-4, 2 RBIs with 4 singles, which perfectly encapsulates The Federalist. ¬†He did homer on Saturday though, so this might be the start of a little something-something. ¬†Emphasis on the ‘little’ and first ‘something.’
Buster Posey – 2-for-4, 17th homer and now hitting .329. ¬†You in March, “Hey, Grey, you ever write for Scientific American¬†cause it’s all smart and crap like you? ¬†Any the hoo! ¬†Posey in the 4th round — yay or nay?”
Angel Pagan – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last three games (slightly misleading, because he was in Coors this weekend). ¬†Still, he looks like he’s trying to boost his overall season numbers with a late season charge. ¬†I’d look at him if he’s available in shallower leagues, though he does seem like a guy that would be on abandoned fantasy teams.
Eric Young Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 runs. ¬†Supposed to be an everyday starter now that Helton and Cuddyer are out, but so was Colvin and the Rockies played Matt McBride at 1st. ¬†Basically, Snider and Eric Young Jr. could go start their own team and whoever they hire to manage won’t start them.
Matt Garza – As I speculated yesterday after reading shizz elsewhere, sounds like Garza is done for the season. ¬†How did I know? ¬†Does my mustache cover a 2nd brain? ¬†Is my brain the model for the¬†rover, Curiosity? ¬†Nah, he’s a pitcher with an elbow injury and it’s August.
Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. ¬†I grabbed him in one league in case this is the start of one of his patented hot streaks that Ty Wigginton is suing him over because he patented it first. ¬†Both homers were off lefties, so I don’t think there’s much to see here yet.
Chris Sale – 8 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Nice solid start and he only threw 101 pitches so Sale was *pinkie to mouth* economical.
Gordon Beckham – 1-for-3 with his 10th homer, now batting .228. ¬†Not totally sure how he’s still in the majors. ¬†He’s gotten by with so little for so long we should call him Gordon Kardashian.
Elvis Andrus¬†– Out of Monday’s game with a sore shoulder, but should be good to go on Tuesday. ¬†Hey, that’s today! ¬†Hey, Tuesday, say hello to your mother for me.
Justin Morneau – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and 2 homers. ¬†Hitting over .400 in August (yeah, it’s a small sample size) and he hit .315 in July. ¬†Guess he was sick of the ref raising his arm to see if he was still conscious.
Ryan Doumit – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in as many games. ¬†FWIWuertz, Doumit has more RBIs and fifteen points in average on Morneau. ¬†Take that information and seventy cents and you can’t make a phone call because payphones no longer exist.
Ben Revere – 4-for-5, 3 runs and 1 RBI. ¬†I’m guessing he’s like Lind in the inverse. ¬†As long as youse don’t pick him up, he’ll keep hitting on my team. ¬†Hey, what’s that next blurb? ¬†Votto news? ¬†Go read that!
Joey Votto – Running at close to full speed. ¬†Sounds like my Hyundai.
Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4 with his 1st homer, P.C. ¬†That’s Post Cortisone. ¬†Can we inject Hosmer with some cortisone?
Jarrod Parker – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks. ¬†Guys and four female readers, the mediOAKers are taking their name to a whole different place as they all look like they should be shut down (except Straily).
Giancarlo Stanton – Supposed to return today. ¬†NSndn;canjd xani…Sorry, was trying to write with my fingers crossed.