Our correspondent in St. Louis, Dan Pants, is reporting at 8:05 Eastern Standard Time, Ian Kennedy‘s fastball died.¬† There’s still no official confirmation.¬† Details are scant.¬† Daniel Descalso is in questioning about the murder.¬† Let’s go back now, and take a moment and recount the life of Ian Kennedy’s fastball.¬† It originally came up in the Yankee organization, where it showed promise, but one two many times it was left out over the plate and hitters clobbered it.¬† They didn’t quite murder it like last night.¬† No, that was saved for a balmy night in St. Louis.¬† Our thoughts and prayers are with the Kennedy family.¬† Wait, now I understand they are transporting Daniel Descalso to another police station for questioning.¬† Let’s go there now.¬† Descalso, “I don’t know anything about the situation here.¬† I am just a patsy.¬† Ian Kennedy’s fastball’s died weeks ago in Cuba chasing Fidel Castro.¬† I’d like legal representation.”¬† Wait, is that Kubel… Descalso is down!¬† Kubey’s in cuffs.¬† Mayhem ensues.¬† Hopefully, Ian Kennedy can find some peace on the Disgraceful List, where he’s surely headed.¬† Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Bryce Harper – Going to see Dr. Freeze.¬† The news reports that it’s possible he could need surgery.¬† Has anyone ever not needed surgery after going to see Dr. James Andrews?¬† “I took a bath with Madoff, have hookers and blow to pay for, and not to mention this pastrami.”¬† That was Dr. James Andrews oversharing with his waitress at Carnegie Deli.¬† I wish I had known about Dr. James Andrews when I was in elementary school.¬† “You didn’t study for your times tables?¬† How about I prescribe torn labrum surgery?”¬† “Sure, I can get you out of gym class, how’s reconstructive hip surgery sound?”¬† “You know who never had the sniffles?¬† Tommy John.”¬† Obviously, there’s nothing you can do but wait on Harper now and hope for the best, but this could turn into a month-long absence.¬† Pray that Dr. James Andrews is up-to-date with his Porsche payments.
Danny Espinosa – Had a cortisone shot in his broken wrist yesterday.¬† He can’t pick up a bat, but he could hit 60 homers if MLB adopts punchball rules.
Shelby Miller – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.¬† Obviously I take this start every day of the week and twice on Muesday, but he’s struggling to get deep into games and will be shut down in another two months.¬† I’d still sell high if it’s an option.¬† Member, Ian Kennedy’s fastball died so we could have choices.
Matt Adams – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.¬†¬† He really kissed that one goodbye.¬† Which is to say his mouth was full of Hersey’s Kisses when he was at the plate.
Matt Carpenter – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer.¬† Right now, batting lead-off for the Cards is about as cushy as it is for the Tigers, only it doesn’t look it when you glance at the lineup.¬† Every pitcher and position player that goes through the Cardinals system seems to outperform, or at least live up to their potential.¬† Is there a better run organization?¬† I’m seriously asking.
Matt Holliday – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer.¬† Get hot, you fargin’ icehole!
Gerardo Parra – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI.¬† He looked hot about three days ago, then he went 1-for-12 in the next two games.¬† Hey, Gerardo, roll your wrists like you roll your R’s!
Miguel Gonzalez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Astros.¬† Ugh, the constant battle with myself with whether or not to throw marginal guys vs. the Astros.¬† It’s like the Fight Club parking lot scene but I look like Brad Pitt from all angles.¬† And no acne.
Bud Norris – 7 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, 3.43 ERA.¬† The ace of the Astros has looked a lot better than the ace of a lot of other teams, but he’s been getting lucky with fly balls not leaving the park and unlucky with him being stuck in a park with the Astros.
Wily Peralta – 5 IP, 5 ER.¬† The comparison between him and Yovani is pretty apt.
Mitch Moreland – To the DL with a hamstring strain.¬† Yesterday, Mike Olt changed his Facebook picture to him in a Rangers uniform.¬† Then the Rangers unfriended him and called up Chris McGuiness, who’s so Irish he didn’t stop at Guiness and added on the Mc.¬† He will likely play 1st base vs. righties and carries a mollywhopping bat.¬† He could hit bombs to any part of the field, but will struggle to hit for average.¬† One thing the Rangers have no problem developing is all-or-nothing 1st basemen while always sticking with guys that hit like middle infielders.¬†¬† You’d think some of their scouts would take a hint.¬† Less Chris Davis, more Micheal Young.
Derek Holland – 6 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks and the no decision.¬† That, right there, might be the best possible line for a guy you surely had on your bench since he was in Fenway.
Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4 and his 13th homer.¬† I should’ve stopped at trading Choo for Beltre and never did the Machado for Price deal.¬† This is truth, but the Choo/Beltre trade is working okay for me.¬† On my team Beltre has 108 ABs, his line is 19/7/20/.380.
Jeff Baker – 1-for-4, 2 RBI and his 2nd homer in three games.¬† He’s not in this afternoon’s Buy column, because, let’s face it, no one is picking him up outside of daily AL-Only leagues, but in those leagues he’s worth grabbing.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 4-for-5, 2 runs.¬† Big night for a guy coming back from a sore groin.¬†¬†¬† Good to see his Ellsberries are feeling better.
Jonny Gomes – 4-for-5, 1 run.¬† Didja you know around baseball clubhouses instead of saying tomato-tomahto they say Jonny-Jhonny.¬† It’s pretty confusing.
Lucas Duda – Sat out with quad tightness.¬† Duda’s Duda Duda day-to-day.
Tyler Cloyd – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks vs. the Brewers.¬† Why is Milwaukee suddenly the Marlins?¬† Was Ryan Braun supplying the whole team?¬† Is Scooter Gennett the evil incarnate and bringing bad juju to the whole team?¬† Is Scooter Braun related to either of them?¬† I got questions, y’all!
Domonic Brown – 2-for-3, 1 run and 2 steals.¬† You know why he’s doing this, right?¬† You know why, right?¬† He’s doing this because Giancarlo’s hurt.¬† It’s like when your buddy breaks up with his girl and you run into her at the mall and are like, “I always thought you should’ve been treated much better.”¬† Domonic’s a dog!
Dan Straily – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks.¬† If you can’t strikeout more than 3 White Sox– Shoot, if you can’t strikeout Dunn at least three times, I don’t have room for you, especially when you’re facing the Yankees next.¬† Well, we had a good two game run, Straily, may the waiver door hit you where the good Lord split you.
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, 2 HRs, 100 Feet.¬† With him and Puig being so exciting, MLB should do a tournament of all the best players in the world coming together to play.¬† Call it the World Baseball Something.¬† Haven’t figured out the last word yet.
Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and 2 steals as he returns from the DL.¬† He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell.¬† Keep refreshing the page and it will magically appear.
Dexter Fowler – Sat out with a migraine and flu.¬† WebMd says he might have a tumor, but WebMD says that for everything.
Carl Crawford – His hamstring strain is fairly significant.¬† That’s also how I used to introduce myself in bars when I was single, “Hey, how are you?¬† I’m fairly significant.”
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer.¬† ManBearPuig!
Jason Heyward – 2-for-4.¬† He’s had two hits every day since Sunday, which is two days after I told you to buy him.¬† Yup.
Phil Hughes – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks in Safeco.¬† Damn, I came so close to picking him up for this start.¬† His 2/3 IP, 7 ER previous start vs. the Mariners kept gnawing at my craw.¬† My craw, I tell ya!
Ryan Doumit – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer this week.¬† Mauer only has 5 homers on the year.¬† Ryan Doumit doesn’t even like baseball, he does this to pull the puppet strings on your catcher questions in the comments.¬† You are Doumit’s puppet.¬† He calls you Darla.¬† You’re purple with green hair.¬† You’re wearing overalls and a train conductor hat.¬† He dresses you weird!
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer.¬† Cain…Sugar! took about a month off, but sorta like Jed Lowrie, I’d prefer if he just got injured when he wasn’t going to hit.¬† As the ladies like to say, I’m easy to please.
Victor Martinez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .231.¬† Big V looks like a shell of his former self, like when you peel one of those cucumber face peels off in one full piece.¬† (What, I can’t forget my 4 lady readers.)¬† But Martinez has been getting unlucky and should still end the year with 15 homers and a .280 average.¬† Okay, so that’s what John Buck did in April.
Andy Dirks – 0-for-5 batting lead-off for the Tigers.¬† Geez, you’re getting meatballs there because of the meatballs behind you.¬† Bring up Nick Castellanos!¬† I need a new Greek player to be annoyed at.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.¬† I’ve thought about what Max and our kids would look like.¬† Would they have two different color eyes?¬† Maybe they’d just have hazel eyes.¬† Would they look like little Golems and I’d have to bandage their entire bodies before school every day?¬† They’d have to have natural athletic ability because of Max and I ran track (that’s what I called running from bullies).¬† I wonder what we’d call him if he was a girl.¬† Sheila?¬† Anibal?