I liked me some Brandon Morrow, but I’m thinking of the old Morrow (not Edward Murrow) that had no control and sat down hitters like he was a furniture salesman whose favorite line was, “Try it out.”¬† I talked briefly in our last podcast about Morrow.¬† Rudy tends to think Morrow is a new and improved pitcher.¬† I think Rudy’s standing too close to a newly-glued diorama.¬† I just want to get out the facts about Morrow that we think we know compared to what we do know.¬† FACT:¬† He’s never had control.¬† NOT FACT:¬† Without control, he’s now able to pitch the ball exactly where hitters can make contact, but not get a base hit.¬† FACT:¬† His FIP is saying he’s getting lucky.¬† NOT FACT:¬† He can leave more runners on than other pitchers.¬† FACT:¬† His career walk rate is 4.39.¬† NOT FACT:¬† This year he can continue to shave more than two walks per nine off his rate.¬† FACT:¬† He pitches in the AL East.¬† NOT FACT:¬† He has a parakeet named, Chisel Jaw, that he dresses up in WWII pilot gear with a mini parachute.¬† FACT:¬† He’s injury prone.¬† NOT FACT:¬† Whenever he orders halibut, he shrugs and says, “I don’t know why I’m ordering this.¬† Maybe just for the halibut.”¬† FACT:¬† He’s at the peak of his value.¬† NOT FACT:¬† He liked Jordin Sparks’ latest album on Facebook.¬† Anyway, here’s some more players to buy or sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Steve Cishek – Ozzie wrapped a towel around his neck, had Joey Cora spray him with some water so it looked like he just stepped out of a sauna and said Heath Bell’s still his closer.¬† Two things I don’t agree with there.¬† First, Heath Bell’s terrible no matter how many times Ozzie says he’s the closer.¬† Second, if you spray olive oil instead of water, it holds the look of perspiration much better.
Edward Mujica – Member what I said about Heath Bell about twelve words ago?¬† Yup.
Brian Fuentes – I’d pick up Fuentes in some leagues.¬† I’d pick up Ryan Cook in some leagues.¬† I’d even pick up that Eddie Murphy movie guy, Norberto, in some leagues.¬† But this is far from a clear path to SAGNOF success.
Scott Downs – The Sciosciapath needs Adderall after replacing his closer for one blown save.¬† I think Walden gets the job back (or back, back, back if Chris Berman is reading), but Downs should definitely be owned.
David Robertson – I went over him this morning.¬† Try hitting down on your scrolly finger.
Jason Vargas – Marginer!
Chris Capuano – He’s no spring chicken.¬† His time for greatness has past (unless he goes to Japan, reinvents himself and returns a new pitcher named, Chris Dragono), but he could be that ever-elusive pitcher at the back end of your staff that stabilizes things.¬† Think Kuroda when he was in LA.
Drew Smyly – People are sure taking a long time to add The Emoticon.¬† I don’t trust people who el oh el after everything on Facebook that isn’t remotely funny — “Oh my God, my baby just wet itself while I was talking to the bank teller el oh el el oh el el oh el!”¬† Unless your baby is 37 years old, that’s not funny — But an emoticon?¬† It’s so innocuous.¬† And it has Ks.
Mike Trout – Unlike Bryce Harper, I don’t think Trout is deep-water fish.¬† He could give you 10+ homers and 25 steals right now.¬† On a side note, for my birthday, I want a picture of Trout, Tim Salmon, Kevin Bass and me in snorkel gear.¬† Someone make that happen.¬† Thank you.
Jed Lowrie – WHO! (While Healthy Own)
Alcides Escobar – WHO!¬† (Now the H is hitting, instead of healthy.)
Josh Reddick – WHO!¬† (Who let the dogs out?)
Ty Wigginton – I picked up Wigginton to replace Zimmerman and he’s been better than him.¬† And that’s not saying anything.¬† That’s like the opposite of saying something.¬† It’s like the guy who blinked that novel not even blinking.
Tony Campana – He steals like the wind… Did you hear that last line in my voice?¬† I’m in your head now.¬† Hey, what’s this thing do?¬† Oops, I think I just spilled chocolate sauce on your medulla oblongata.¬† I’ll leave your head now.¬† Sorry.
Chris Johnson – On one hand, I like Chris Johnson.¬† On the other hand, I don’t like Astro hitters.¬† On the third lesser known hand that is actually a mitten on a broomstick, Johnson’s hitting over .300 with some slight speed and power.
Pedro Alvarez – If you went up to a girl at the bar and asked her if you should pick up Chris Davis or Pedro Alvarez, she’d smell the desperation on you.¬† Here, at Razzball, we welcome desperation and Pedro Alvarez.
Bryce Harper – But he uses the Shroud of Turin to apply eye black!¬† And he once ordered pizza to Syracuse from Rome, Italy on a borrowed cell phone!¬† And he has a butterfly named after him!¬† The Bryce Harpertail is rare and only found on the island of Guam, but it’s named after him!¬† Guys (and 4 girls), he’s not going to be the greatest thing since a Hello Kitty toaster this year.¬† He was struggling in the minors.¬† Maybe he was disinterested, as most 19 year old’s get, but he’s still only a 10-15 homer, 10-15 steal guy right now.¬† His value because of hype is way above that.¬† I wouldn’t sell him for a Groupon to the Ren-Faire, but I’d explore options.¬† (Don’t sell in keepers.¬† I’m talking about redraft leagues here.)
Danny Espinosa – It’s with much rueful rumination and fervor that I gather words that I don’t use when I’m speaking or really know what they mean, when I tell you Espinosa is a wanksta that needs some serious minor league seasoning.