Or is it Philly adds pap shmear to their J-Roll?¬† What, icky?¬† Sorry, friend.¬† The Phils signed Jonathan Papelbon to a silly deal of sillier proportions.¬† Maybe the Phils should move to the Santa Ynez Valley because their replacement of Madson is a sideways move. <– movie pun!¬† Well, for whatever reason the Phils don’t like Madson and what he brings, so they got themselves a marquee name to close out games.¬† I don’t think this changes Papelbon’s value whatsoever.¬† Or what so ever, if you like to space out.¬† You know whose value does change?¬† Welcome to the bigs, Daniel Bard!¬† Wait, he’s already been in the bigs.¬† Damn you, devil, get out of the details.¬† Here’s hoping Bard authors saves instead of losses like in September, otherwise hearing the Bahd is closing might be as stressful to the average Southie as the bahr is closing.¬† Though, I’d be a real Gomer to not consider the Red Sox may just bring in a different big name closer to fill the role.¬† Though, Part II:¬† It’s One Of Though’s Again, I do think they’ll give Bard the ball in the ninth and he’ll be terrific.¬† Throw him in the donkeycorns, kids, and giddy up.¬† Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves so far and what they mean for 2012 fantasy baseball:
Melky Cabrera – Traded to the Giants.¬† Luckily, I heard Sandoval’s lactose-intolerant or he might’ve taken a bite of Melky’s arm.¬† Melky was going to be overrated going into 2012 and now he moves into a pitcher’s park.¬† That’s a fold to the dealer’s picture card.¬† If he hits 15 homers and .260, color me surprised with a lime-scented marker.
Jonathan Sanchez – Goes the other way to the Royals.¬† Actually makes more sense to me that the Giants send away Filthy Sanchez then get Melky.¬† The Giants were fed up with Sanchez walking seven guys in four and two-thirds.¬† Never the hoo!¬† We’re talking fantasy not real baseball (whatever that is!) and Filthy can take down any hitter on any given night.¬† The question has never been his ability.¬† He’s the 25 to 1 gamble that you pray makes good on his promise.
Lorenzo Cain – Will take over for Melky.¬† Last year when I praised Cain, here’s what I said, “He has 20+ steal speed and some light pop.¬† Best case scenario, he puts up a Victorino-like season.¬† Worst case scenario, he‚Äôs unownable and while you‚Äôre dropping him to waivers you throw out your back and end up in traction.¬† I imagine in most leagues, he‚Äôll be drafted as a ‚Äúcool pick‚ÄĚ then dropped before the first week ends.¬† In AL-Only leagues, he‚Äôs a great endgame sleeper pick.”¬† And that’s me quoting me!¬† For the short attention spanners, he’ll be a flyer worth taking in all leagues because of his 10 homer, 20+ steal potential.
Grady Sizemore – Likely to land an incentives-laden deal somewhere.¬†¬† If one of his incentives is “Help Grey win a fantasy championship,” then I’d draft him.¬† Otherwise, it’s been real and fun but not really fun.
Rod Barajas – Signed by the Pirates.¬† Barajas is Spanish for “even in a deep league you’re not drafting him.”
Pat Burrell – Retiring so he can have more time to sleep with your wife.
Jamey Carroll – Twins signed him.¬† Nothing says offensive boost like a guy with a girl’s name.¬† Hey, I hear Greta Van Susteren can hit a curve.¬† Go after her, boys!
Wilson Ramos – Was kidnapped by gunpoint, but found safely by authorities.¬† His kidnappers said they decided not to use Ramos as one of their keepers.