I have Michael Jackson’s autograph from his three distinct artistic periods — Jackson 5, breakout solo artist, fondler — and while they are priceless, I’m going to put them by this open window–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!!! I been pouring out some liquor for the fact that Arenado’s homers are gone, gone, gone. And trying to help fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) if their Correa is gone. And since Arenado starting to bubble like a tub full of Calgon. Guess it’s only right that I should help you with how much Nolan Arenado hits are gone. Sorry, that song was on my iTunes, and felt appropriate. If my baby boo bae, Giancarlo, wasn’t metaphorically already all over my bedsheets, Arenado would be right there. Yesterday, he went 5-for-6, 4 runs, 7 RBIs with three homers (19, 20, 21), and the summer is here in Coors. Yippee, you mothertruckers! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Origin Story Alert! In the Roppongi district of Japan, which sits between Chichibunomiya and Akabanebashi, lives a puppeteer named Goshi. For his entire life, Goshi worked in the medium of strings and miniature clothes. Sometimes, due to all the opium he smokes, he’ll forget where he left off one day and start new the next day. Due to a three-year process of forgetting and starting anew, he accidentally built a puppet that was 75-feet tall and named it Marcell Ozuna. The puppet simply went by the name, OZUNA. Elsewhere in Japan, on holiday, Giancarlo Stanton arrived with his family and me in his suitcase (how I’m able to relay the story). Giancarlo was marveled at everywhere he went, due to sheer handsomeness and size. One Japanese man said of Giancarlo, “You are like Mt. Fiji of GLOW.” OZUNA and Giancarlo remained on separate paths for many moons, until one faithful day when an explosion at a nuclear plant caused a giant lizard to emerge from the ocean. That lizard’s name was Allahzilla, because it originated in the Middle East, according to scientists. Armed with merely bats, Giancarlo (3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homers) and OZUNA (2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer) beat back Allahzilla and the Cardinals while freeing all of humanity, and fantasy. Thanks, heroes! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Did the Pirates trade for Brian or James McCann? Because every time Tony Watson pitches, I feel butt sore and shake my head questioning, “Watson McCann?” And then I soothe the irritation with some aloe Rivero. Before yesterday’s 2nd meltdown by Watson in two games (1 IP, 2 ER, and yet another blown save), C**nt Hurdle said Watson will remain the closer. This is like when you have pimples in high school and you go to your dad, and he’s like, “Everyone’s got pimples at your age, I’m not paying for you to get rid of them, you’ll be fine.” Then you go into your closet and chew on your 4-year-old baseball card gum until your mom comes into the closet and tells you she’ll take you to the doctor, using her bingo winnings she’s saved. I don’t want a vote of confidence for Watson, I want mom to talk to C**nt! I’d continue to hold Felipe Rivero (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.58), it’s only a matter of time. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The stolen base market is put into two categories: Billy Hamilton and basically everyone else. Capitalizing on the “everyone else” is the problem. The dreaded ebb and flow theory of SAGNOF is a beer served at room temperature. Yeah, at its core, it is still a beer, and yes some beer is served at room temperature. I know there will be some beer snobs that chime in and say “blah, blah this about micro brews and room temperature”. My response is nothing, you are on ignore. Come hang with me and you will see dudes that know how, like to, and will drink. Ask Prospector Ralph, he knows we can bang. Anyways, grabbing a SAGNOF guy on the waivers is a tumultuous beast. Trying to say that he will steal or he will get on base to actually attempt to steal the base… It’s a crap shoot outside of stolen base wizard Billy H. Even when looking at the usually candidates from the preseason and their potential for stolen bases, they are down. The stolen base as a whole is almost as dead as being in Buffalo Bill’s well. We all drafted Trea Turner for his 50-plus SB potential. To date, he has 11, and is on pace for 44. Charlie Blackmon has gone from 43, to 17 last year, to 4 this year. He has basically turned into a RBI machine and it shows by him being the MLB leader in the category. And don’t get me started on Jean Segura or Jonathan Villar… go trade for Dee Gordon, Billy Hamilton or anyone else in the top-5 and quell all your stolen base woes. Trying to make up on the category but nickle and dime’n is the worst ideas since screen doors on a submarine. In case you think I am pushing pork pies and you don’t wanna listen, here is a fancy chart for catchers to abuse for streaming, and some more SAGNOF tidbits. Cheers!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Anthony Rendon went 6-for-6, 5 runs, 10 RBIs and his first three homers of the year. *gulps* Sonavabench! That is worst sonavabench I’ve had in my life and I thought my worst sonavabench was when I benched Conforto on Saturday for his double slam and legs. Five homers on my bench in two days. I feel a little uneasy from this sonavbenching. Is woozy a side effect of sonavabench? I feel legit woozy. I need to sit down. *vomits* I feel worse. “Hello, I need a paramedic. The problem? I BENCHED RENDON FOR THE TOP OFFENSIVE GAME OF THE SEASON! Yes, I have insurance. No, it’s not an HMO.” *turns on oven, sticks head in oven, reads The Bell Jar lit by the pilot light* This book is so boring, at what point does Plath mention Rendon and bite the big one? So, yeah, I’m an idiot for benching Rendon, but what can do, as my Polish neighbor used to say. On the bright side, he appears out of his early season slump. That’s a consolation prize like coming in second on The Bachelor and all you get is herpes. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Sign says, ‘Don’t stay away, fools,’ cause Cody Bellinger rules! No? Okay, go to sleep. “Go to sleep” is my new favorite thing I say that my Cougar can’t stand. She’s like, “Why are you excited?” Rather than saying, “I’m excited because Cody Bellinger was called up,” I say, “Go to sleep.” Is that bad? I feel like her reaction is like the step before divorce. “Baby, we’re good, go to sleep.” “It’s 4 o’clock on a Tuesday.” “Yeah, go to sleep.” And then we’re divorced. You know who isn’t divorced? Cody Bellinger! Okay, I’m talking crazy, but I’m excited, you get it. In 18 games of Triple-A, he was hitting .343 with five homers and seven steals. I will now cackle maniacally. Who is this guy, Justice Eric Ruth Thames but with speed? I can’t even. *puts handkerchief to forehead, and faints* Oh, thank you for catching me in my dream state, Giancarlo. This is funny (not funny), Bellinger had three homers last year in Triple-A. Guess how many games? Oh, three. Three games! I wanna project him over five months for 17 HRs, 20 SBs, and .280, but feel like that is too conservative, that’s how crazy I am for him. Yes, you should absolutely grab him. Where will he play when Pederson returns from the DL? Not sure, but worth grabbing him now to see how the Dodgers handle it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
If a discount is on top of “a sort of” discount, does that make it free? The title this week is twice as nice with meaning, because everyone like to go Winona on their lineup, especially late in drafts. And going double Winona, when a steal may be a steal, is SAGNOF gold. So that’s where we are going today folks, the land of misfit outfielders, and one infielder. The steals category is a fickle one that you either go all in on, or just basically change lanes without your blinker type stat. This year there seems to be an abundance of “steals mainly, other stats to be desired” types. These guys aren’t the elite of the elite in steals, but also aren’t the fantasy stalwart you may want to over-draft. They still hold a ton of value, and most of them are familiar names. I just think with outfielders, the best theory is to roster three studs, a guy with multi-position eligibility, and one that is a steals-only guy that won’t, or you hope won’t just lay eggs in other categories. The Billy Hamilton’s, Villar’s and Dee Gordon’s are long gone before these names even show up on the drop down menu on the draft app and every single one of these fellas can be had after the 180th pick currently. It is all about value kids. Although the steals category is a dropping number, stat-wise, from years gone by, it still is a stat that you garner points in. So check out what Igotta say, say hello… or don’t. Cheers!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Here we are, the third of four posts about the Couch Managers 2017 Industry Mock Draft. Previously, I posted recaps of rounds 1-6 and rounds 7-12. This post is for rounds 13-18. The final post will be for rounds 19-23. Complicated stuff, I know. But try to keep up.
In case you have yet to see my previous posts, here is a quick recap of the league rules for this mock:
This mock was for a 15-team, 5×5 roto, with 23 roster spots made up of 9 pitchers (9), 1 spot for each position (8), a second catcher (1), 2 more outfielders (2), one corner infielder (1), one middle infielder (1), and one utility position (1).
As I have done with the other posts, I’ll post the results below by round and will offer a few of my thoughts for each round…Please, blog, may I have some more?
As we continue our 2017 fantasy baseball rankings, we head into the homestretch of ranking hitters. For those confused, homestretch isn’t when you shoot up late at night, remembering there’s a Dorito under the couch and go reaching for it. That is the opening to my short film, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dorito. The main character has just been Frito-Laid off and is described as Pringley and Ruffled. Last year, this post had Adam Duvall, Jackie Bradley Junz, Jay Brucespringsteen and a bunch of vomit. So, there is some value to still be found in the outfielders, it’s just a matter of finding it, like in the landmark film, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dorito. As with the other rankings, my projections are included and where I see tiers starting and stopping. Anyway, here’s the top 80 outfielders for 2017 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Greetings, friends. I hopped over to the football side of things once last year’s baseball season ended, but now I’m back. And apparently, I am such a disturbed individual that I am doing fantasy baseball mock drafts in early January. And, I am writing about them. And, well, I just wanted to start another sentence with and because it feels so wrong but so right at the same time. Anyway, moving on.
I was fortunate enough to be invited to the Couch Managers 2017 Industry Mock Draft, and we’re going to recap it here. This mock was for a 15-team, 5×5 roto, with 23 roster spots made up of 9 pitchers (9), 1 spot for each position (8), a second catcher (1), 2 more outfielders (2), one corner infielder (1), one middle infielder (1), and one utility position (1). As long as I did that math correctly, that is 23 spots.
Below, I will provide the results for the first six rounds and a give my thoughts for each round. I’ll do the same for rounds 7-12, 13-18, and 19-23 in subsequent posts. I’ll try to keep it brief. All we really care about are the results here, right? Feel free to tell me how awesome or crappy you think my team is, along with what you think were the best and worst picks of the draft or the different rounds…Please, blog, may I have some more?