The Giants went out and traded for the 32-year-old Evan Longoria, who has rapidly been declining for years.¬† Please, keep that in mind while I run down their lineup.¬† Hitting leadoff…Steven Duggar?¬† Is that the Christian with 52 kids who is cheating on his wife with his butler or some shizz?¬† Maybe, it’s definitely not Christian Arroyo, he was traded.¬† Hitting 2nd…Joe Panik?¬† We’re only two guys in, but Panik, indeed.¬† Then will come their newly-minted three-hole hitter, Longoria, followed by the 14-homer, don’t-touch-his-pretty-boy-face, Buster Posey.¬† Please never let me see another one of those commercials with Posey in it.¬† Please.¬† Next up!¬† A guy whose hits are described as “belting one” because his last name is Belt, and for no other reason.¬† It is completely and unequivocally not because he hits the ball hard.¬† Followed by…Is it a bird?¬† Is it a plane?¬† Is it my 72-year-old aunt trying to throw a baseball?¬† No, it’s The Gangly Manbird, Hunter Pence.¬† Next up, some combination of Brandon Crawford, Jarrett Parker and let’s hope Madison Bumgarner knocks in a runner otherwise they’re going to lose 95 games.¬† As my intern, let’s call him, Lalph Rifshitz would say, that’s primo, bud.¬† As for Longoria, he should feel at home with the Giants since he is used to being in places that collect old people.¬†¬†On the bright side, Longoria plays a lot, staying on the field.¬† On the dim side, you kinda wish he’d take more days off.¬† For 2018, I’ll give Longoria the projections of¬†86/22/94/.271/2 in 608 ABs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I‚Äôm with Streamonator: Carlos Carrasco is your No-Brainer O‚Äô the Day. (Not to be confused with your Darren O‚Äô the Day, which is a fish submarine sandwich.) The last time Carrasco faced the White Sox, at home, it was to the tune of 1 ER over 7 innings, and this matchup is in the more pitcher-friendly Sox park. (Mind you, his last start versus the Tigers was a tad more worrying ‚ÄĒ still only 2 ER, but he struggled with command.) But today on FanDuel, he‚Äôs $10,300. And at the same time, the Giants are in Coors. I‚Äôve set myself a silly challenge: to play Carlos Carrasco AND stack as many Coors bats as possible, all while plugging the remaining holes as cheaply (and well? Ha) as I can. And you‚Äôll see that through my own stubbornness, I‚Äôve created possibly the most lopsided FanDuel lineup ever, one that will need complete rejigging if any one of my players doesn‚Äôt actually start. Like George Michael, I may come to be filled with regret and (totally logical consequence to cheating on someone!) never dance again, but it‚Äôs not for nothing that my mother calls me Victoria Mary Quite Contrary. So here goes!
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Welcome to another beautiful Wednesday slate. ¬†I was so pumped for this slate until I looked and realized Clayton Kershaw $12,900¬†is on the bump..Don’t get me wrong I love Kershaw; he’s an amazing pitcher. ¬†My only issue with him is he makes¬†the DFS slates he’s in very tough. ¬†You basically have to use him, even in GPPs.¬† If you don’t and he goes off for 13 ks over 9 shutout innings, you’re screwed. ¬†Today is no different as he’ll be pitching against the Rockies (remember that almost perfect game??) and the total is only 6.5 right now. ¬†Don’t overthink this;¬†¬†play Kershaw and try to find low owned value plays to build around him.
Now onto the picks…
New to FanDuel? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? ¬†Well be sure to read our content and subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays. ¬†Just remember to sign up through us before jumping into the fray. It‚Äôs how we know you care!¬†Please, blog, may I have some more?
Just finished my first draft if you’re reading this as I type it, and other than one shirtless man in yellow sweatpants standing behind me in this internet cafe, I don’t think anyone’s reading this as I type it. ¬†Unless, of course, there’s micronauts living inside my brain watching as my inner monologue is sending info to my fingers. ¬†Gadzooks, I got micronauts in my brain! ¬†I wonder if these micronauts made me draft Eric Thames. ¬†I need to delve deeper into¬†this subject. ¬†Maybe I will in my pastel journal that is covered in¬†Giancarlo’s picture from ESPN’s nude magazine. ¬†So, I took on the monsters of the industry in an NL Only league that was hosted by Scott White of¬†CBS and I came away with a team that is more¬†imbalanced than¬†Amanda Bynes. ¬†This league is deep so hold onto ye old hat.¬† (If you want a shallower league, play against me and hundreds¬†of your closest buddies in the Razzball Commenter Leagues. ¬†Please be a commissioner, we need leagues, thank you, and Oxford comma.)¬† Anyway, here‚Äôs my 12-team NL-Only team and some thoughts:Please, blog, may I have some more?
It feels like just the other day¬†the baseball regular season started.¬† You wrote “I heart baseball” in permanent marker on your arm, then you met a girl who wrote “I heart guys who heart baseball” on her arm, then, during sex in July, you screamed out “I got a Trumboner!” and now you don‚Äôt have baseball or a girlfriend.¬† C’mon, calendar, make like a soldier and turn to March.¬† The only cure for the post-baseball season blues ‚ÄĒ recapping the¬†preseason top twenty lists¬†and being hand-fed Doritos.¬† First up, Cool Ranch and our preseason¬†Top 20 Catchers for 2016.¬† It‚Äôs important to look back before we look ahead to 2017.¬† To paraphrase the one and only B-Real, ‚ÄúHow do you know where you‚Äôre at, if you don‚Äôt know where you‚Äôve been? Understand where I‚Äôm coming from?‚ÄĚ ¬†(Also, if you missed it, I interviewed B-Real this year on our podcast, though that might not have been as good as our Jose Canseco interview.) ¬†It wouldn‚Äôt be fair for me to preseason rank the players, then rank them again in the postseason based on my opinion, so these postseason top 20 lists are ranked according to our Fantasy Baseball Player Rater. ¬†It‚Äôs cold hard math, y‚Äôall!¬† Please, for the love that all is holy, don‚Äôt ask me if this is for next year.¬† Anyway, here‚Äôs the top 20 catchers for 2016 fantasy baseball and how they compared to where I originally ranked them:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Diamondbacks host the Colorado Rockies on Tuesday night in what is expected to be a pier six brawl. Both teams are starting below average left-handed pitchers and that means runs should come in bunches. The Rockies should do their fair share of damage, but the D’Backs are the holy grail tonight. Jorge de la Rosa is like a lamb being led to slaughter every single time he takes the mound. He occasionally racks up strikeouts, but mostly it is walks and meatballs. Arizona has two lefty killers in their outfield and I expect both of them to do damage. Rickie Weeks Jr. has one purpose in life and that is smashing lefties. He does it quite well. So well actually, that he still has a spot on a 25-man roster years after being removed as the Brewers’ second baseman. He’s never taken JDLR deep, but has five hits in 11 at-bats against the 12 year veteran. Yasmany Tomas is 6-for-12 with a home run against de la Rosa and lives rent free in his mind everyday. With Tomas just $4,400 and Weeks Jr. priced at $4,000, I am using both of them.
New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday September 19th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that‚Äôs what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Holy shizzballs. ¬†That’s not the Urban Dictionary definition of shizzballs either, which is when you shizz your grapes. ¬†That’s shizzballs as in this is the greatest display of sexiness since a young Kim Cattrall was featured in a window display. ¬†Brian Dozier is doing more for the long ball than any old man with shizzballs could ever imagine. ¬†That’s back to the original definition of shizzballs. ¬†Right now, Dozier is the exact perfect moment when your 12-year-old self pressed the buttons perfectly together on the old cable box and unscrambled¬†Playboy TV at its best, with a perfectly scrolled, snowy version of Naughty Candid Camera. ¬†Trying to cover, when being caught, “It’s Allen Funt, mom. ¬†Uh…Maybe that’s not an F on the front of his last name.” ¬†Yesterday, Brian Dozier hit three more homers — 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, hitting .279 — and now has 38 homers on the year, and is easily leading the entire majors for homers in the 2nd half with 24 homers. ¬†For 2017, he’s going to be tough to peg, due to his inflated HR/FB%¬†and¬†falling line drive rate, but he doesn’t look much worse than a 25 HR/15 SB guy, which still has value. ¬†For this year, obviously you ride the lightning. ¬†Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
With the turning of the page to September comes the rookie nookie of September call-ups, but it also brings the doom of inning limits. My guess (hope/wish) is, Julio Urias will end up with one more start before he heads to the ‚Äėpen, but this could be his final go around. I‚Äôve started Julio more times then I care to recall this year and gotten 4 IP, 5 ER and a severe case of WHIPlash. That 10 K/9 is so delicious though, I keep coming back for more; I‚Äôm a glutton for punishment and Ks. Julio‚Äôs come around lately though, only giving up 2 ER in his last 3 starts. He‚Äôs even pitched enough innings in each of those starts to earn a win. He‚Äôs been the king of K-put this year (shameless, I know). If it‚Äôs one thing the Padres know how to do, it‚Äôs strikeout. They are currently second in the majors in strikeouts and that makes them a prime DFS target. Syndergaard might be a better bet for a win and Price might be a better bet to go more innings, but I think Julio has the biggest upside of the bunch and comes in at ~$2,000 cheaper. That‚Äôs the difference between a struggling Miguel Sano in your lineup or a hot-fiyah Yasmany Tomas in Coors. Your call my friends. Now, (in my best Paul Harvey voice) for the rest of the picks:
New to DraftKings? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday, September 5th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that‚Äôs what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Gerrit Cole‘s start yesterday — 9 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.78 — wasn’t the most impressive start. ¬†*walks around, shaking people out of their slumber* ¬†Hey, what’s going on, guys and five girl readers? ¬†Was it the opening sentence? ¬†Okay, so Gerrit Cole didn’t look as good as, say, Dylan Bundy over five innings. ¬†Cole looked solid, salt-of-the-earth, lumberjack-shirt-for-a-tablecloth-middle-class-sturdy-as-oak-workman-like for nine innings. ¬†By the way, you know what they call a hyena with lines instead of spots? ¬†Hyphena. ¬†Take it, Highlights, it’s yours. ¬†Do we have to have starters that are all lordy-me-I’m-fainting-with-a-handkerchief-to-my-forehead filled with upside? ¬†Well, I’d like it, and Cole prolly has it somewhere in there. ¬†*knocks on Cole’s chest* ¬†Is a near-9 K/9 in there still? ¬†Hello? ¬†Okay, I think it is, but it’s just not answering now. ¬†Maybe it’s taking a nap from Cole’s less-than-stellar K-rate. ¬†That’s been the story of his season, actually. ¬†Great results for real baseball, but a little lacking on the flash (7.5 K/9). ¬†He’s still throwing hard (95 MPH), maybe he fell asleep while Contact was on late-night TV and woke up deciding to throw to contact. ¬†Not sure, but if I had to bet, I’d bet every day on a 25-year-old who throws 95 returning to his previous flashy Ks while maintaining his excellent ERA results. ¬†But there’s nothing wrong with a lumberjack shirt for a tablecloth. ¬†It’s Murica! ¬†Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Am I the only person who watched Helix and actually liked it? I mean, I never saw it on actual cable but caught up with the two seasons before they were cancelled and thought they were highly enjoyable for what they were. But most of all, it was the use of the music that nabbed me, right from the pilot episode. The intro drop is a great mix of 50s pop sounds mixed with modern synth sounds. It may only be 10 seconds but it really sets you up for the feel of the show. By that I mean they took a Burt Bacharach song sung by Dione Warwick and made it stick in my head and dammit, I’m gonna stick it into your noodle, too. Don’t pervert that last sentence…but more back to why I’m yammering on about Helix was I’m of course referencing said song in my title about Ivan Nova and him facing the Padres. I see zero reason to pitch Nova in this scenario in cash – he is, in fact, not good at pitching – but in a points per dollar sort of way, I like the idea of rolling Ivan out there against a team that owns the second worst wRC+ against right handed pitching on the year, just above the Braves. Throw in the fourth highest K rate against said handedness and there’s potential for 20 points here from a bottom of the barrel pitcher. But now that we’ve established the good, the cheap, and the ugly all at once, let’s cover the rest of the slate. Here’s my love, sweet love hot taeks for this Saturday DK slate…
New to DraftKings? Well reserve your spot in the 25 Team Razzball Exclusive League set to run Monday July 4th to wet your DK whistle. Just remember to sign up through us before you do. It‚Äôs how we know you care! Wanna know what the best part is about signing up with us? The free subscription for the rest of the season to our DFSBot, that‚Äôs what! For details on the how to, please visit our Razzball Subscriptions page.Please, blog, may I have some more?