*walking through a packed hallway, head nodding at the ladies* “What’s up, chiquitas?  Que paso, senoritas?  Assume there was an upside down question mark in front of that question.  I’m feeling pretty good, and it’s not just because I’m wearing my extra tight bicycle shorts that make me aroused when I cough.  Nope!  RONALD ACUNA IS UP!  Hey, so are my letters.  Preston Tucker?  How about you Tuck off?!  I’m so pumped!!!  Seriously.  I wanna make love to my fantasy team where I have Acuna.” *realizing I don’t know what hallway this is and need to leave before I’m arrested*  Here’s my Ronald Acuna fantasy.  Go look at the GIF I have there and tell me you’re not aroused.  Don’t send pics!  I said he’d be up mid-April.  Oops, one week off!  And his projections were 74/17/77/.304/21 in 514 ABs!  I need to sit down.  Wait, I am sitting!!!  AHHHH!!!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Gleyber Torres was called up by the Yankees and here’s what I said this offseason, “My love for Gleyber is admittedly less coalesced into an actual thing than you’re gonna find from just about any Yankees fan.  “Ya godda be fahkin jokin wit me right here, kid.  Gleyber Torres is gonna be the greatest of all-time, son.  All.  Time.  I wanna coalesce my fist into ya fahkin head with your sissy-boy words.  Why don’t ya use a word like fuhgeddaboudit?  Before you answer, I need to go with my mom to have her mustache waxed.” That’s your run-of-the-mill Yankees fan.  See, Gleyber is already being fitted for Monument Park in Yankee Stadium before he even plays a game.” And that’s me quoting me!  In fantasy, he looks more like, Gley… *pinkie to mouth* bore!  He is a borderline top ten MLB prospect.  That’s the Gleyberline, even.  He was in Prospect Ralph’s top 100 fantasy baseball prospects.  The problem (it’s not much of a problem), he’s a hit tool guy first.  What does that mean?  He’s going to hit for average first.  That’s not a bad thing necessarily, but for fantasy when a guy is called up and he’s a 40+ steal or homer guy, they might have a bigger immediate impact, immaterial?  Immeasurable to immortality or immune–Okay, now I’m just IM’ing.  I would own him in any league, no matter how shallow.  There’s a chance you can do better in shallower leagues.  His outcome this year is anywhere from Orlando Arcia to Alex Bregman.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Remember way back when, like three years ago, when the Mets “young pitching staff” was all the rage? We talked about how “setup” the Mets were for the future behind the strength of arms Jacob deGrom, Noah Syndergaard, and of course their back-page-darling, Matt Harvey. While deGrom and Syndergaard seem to have overcome injuries to return to form, the same cannot be said for “The Dark Knight”. While his pitching exploits once made him the King of NYC, it’s been his off-field shenanigans that have grabbed the wrong type of headlines of late. But… with a spark in his first start vs. The Phillies, the inevitable “Is Harvey Back?” headlines and bylines popped up on the pages of print, digital, and telepathic media. (Pssst, if you don’t get your news telepathically in 2018, you’re behind the times.) Wow, if you’re waking up from a coma, you’d be shocked to learn that, A. Matt Harvey stinks (or has stunk) B. Telepathy has gone mainstream. Thanks Uri Geller! That got a bit off track, here’s what I saw in Matt Harvey’s start on Sunday night.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Lights a candle, and shakes out the match.  The candelabra illuminates a cave.  I carefully move towards a sleeping figure, reaching down and shaking the Buy/Sell out of its slumber.  “Hey, wake up, it’s a new season.”
The Buy/Sell stretches its arm and yawns loudly.  “Is it September already?”
“No, it’s March, it’s a new baseball season.”
“Baseball, riiiiight.  The thing with the racket.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”  In quick cuts, I see the Buy/Sell’s shirt reads Buy/Sell in smears of blood.  Cowering away, I trip, only to realize I’ve fallen on the entrails of the real Buy/Sell.
“I’m the new Buy/Sell now!”  Then it laughs ghoulishly, gnashing its fangs.  So, Scott Kingery made the team.  I know, I didn’t expect it either, but good for the Phils.  They made the bold choice, and the bold are rewarded, which sounds like a 1970’s cigarette campaign.  “Winston Lights, The Bold are Rewarded.”  Lance Broz…etc. gave you his Scott Kingery fantasy before it was official Kingery would start the year with the Phils, but it looked to be headed there, which is why it’s so frustrating that I didn’t move on him quicker (Kingery not Lance.  “When you’re a fantasy baseball blogger, they just let you move on them.”).  But data shows that Kingery is still available in a ton of leagues, and is an immediate buy everywhere.  In the video, Anime Grey has some more words on Kingery.  Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

This draft is a crock pot vs. a microwave.  A love sesh vs. a ‘hold the moan.’  A nature hike vs. “I’m gonna sit in the car as we drive past some mountains.”  Guys and five girl readers, it’s a slow draft.  This slow draft took about fifteen days, 18 hours, four minutes and–okay, only a lunatic counts seconds.  Not almost 15 days of straight drafting, mind you.  I don’t need to ice my clicky finger.  It’s five minutes of drafting, twelve hours of waiting.  It does allow you to second-guess your picks.  Actually, more like triple-guess.  (Who are we kidding, you quadruple-guess, fiveruple-guess, sextruple-guess, ochocinco-guess your picks.) For those not in the know, it’s a weekly, 15-team, two-catcher league that lasts for 50 rounds and there’s no waivers.  Anyway, here’s my NFBC draft recap:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

We (me) have gone over the catchers2nd basemenshortstops and 3rd basemen to target, cause I have to do everything around here!  Look at me, throwing shade like a beach umbrella!  That makes sense…if you don’t think about it!  That’s what I want my bumper sticker to say, and then when I step out of my car, I want my clever t-shirt to say it too, “That makes sense….if you don’t think about it.”  How can I arrange my life so this happens?  I need a personal assistant.  “So, it says you worked as Kanye’s assistant and you bought mirrors for nine months straight….”  That’s me checking the CV of my favorite imaginary assistant.  Okay, so this post is all the outfielders that are being drafted after 200 overall that I have uber-sexy feelings for.  Last year, I featured Aaron Judge, Domingo Santana and Joc Pederson, who I’ve featured every year since 1924, but not this year!  Now, this is a (legal-in-all-countries-except-Canada) supplement to the top 100 outfielders for 2018 fantasy baseball.  Click on the player’s name where applicable to read more and see their 2018 projections.   Anyway, here’s some outfielders to target for 2018 fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

It was a tall task, but we came, we saw, we talked a shizz ton about 60 outfielders for your listening enjoyment. We pickup where we left off last episode, and take you from 41st all the way to 100. Of course we sneak in some time for NFBC team talk, and a host of other banter. This has to be one of the most comprehensive shows we’ve ever done. No lie, it’s three to four days long! We cover three of Grey’s outfield posts, and give you the low down on all the names to target, and which ones to avoid. Finally, please make sure to support our sponsor by heading over to RotoWear.com and entering promo code “SAGNOF” for 20% off the highest quality t-shirts in the fantasy sports game. It’s the latest edition of the Razzball Fantasy Baseball Podcast:

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Today, we take a look at the positional battles for the National League East, a division that is quite emblematic of the US of A. The power and leadership resides in Washington DC. The New York Mets have the money, 11th highest payroll in baseball, but they are not the Yankees. Atlanta. Sorry, I mean Hotlanta, always gets overlooked, but there’s tons of talent down south. We may be seeing lots of non-Native Americans tomahawk chopping on TV very soon. Philadelphia is usually in the shadow of New York. Well, the Eagles won the Super Bowl, so suck on that New Yorkers. I kid. There’s tons of young talent on the Phillies, especially on the pitching side, but they will continue to play in the shadow of their brethren to the east. Miami. This is where things break down. A city of opulence and culture, yet the Marlins sold off all their assets like a Pookie crackhead would for one last hit. The only way I can tie this into the US of A analogy is that Miami is located in the state of Florida, a state in which the lawmakers said that porn is dangerous but refused to talk about assault rifles. Ladies and gentlemen, the NL East.

The 2018 Razzball Commenter Leagues are now open! Free to join with prizes! All the exclamation points!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Welcome to Razzball’s 2018 team previews. Over the next couple of months, we’ll be previewing all of the teams and talking to writers who represent those teams around the web. We want to provide the best and most in-depth fantasy projections to go along with the asking the most useful questions to those who know their teams best. We want to talk about the players in the first half of your draft and also the deep sleepers that make you log into google and start watching Midwest Single-A ball for hours. Just kidding, don’t do that, hopefully we don’t go that far…

Baker finally hit the dust…y. Dave Martinez now takes over as the National’s manager as they try to bring Washington D.C. a World Series title. This lineup remains an offensive machine and still boasts a top half of the rotation that causes a lot of whiffs. There are still a couple of new faces to talk about and also a highly touted prospect who is sure to see at bats in the majors this season. I talked to Drew Douglas from District on Deck.

Please, blog, may I have some more?

Our 2018 Razzball Commenters Leagues are in full signup mode.  I even heard there were a few people from Anonymous that signed up!  They said, “To the world, I’m Anonymous, just another white man who sits in parking lots with binoculars watching women.”  Man, that Anonymous guy is depressing!  As we always do about this time, I eviscerate the haters and complicators!  I eviscerate the not-knowers and the over-knowers!  I eviscerate the ESPN goers and the garden hoers!  I overuse a word like eviscerate that I just learned!  I am the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it) and I’ve come for your children!  See, because blog writing doesn’t pay so well, I’ve taken a second job as a bus driver, so I’m literally here for your kids.  Like a baller!  A shot caller!  An “I’m outside of Hot Topic at the maller!”  My eviscerating (I’m conjugating my new word!) today comes at the expense of ESPN and their 2018 fantasy baseball rankings.  To the tune of Baby Blue (Feat. Chance the Rapper) by Action Bronson:

Please, blog, may I have some more?