I have to keep this short, because after the jump is going to be the longest post you’ve ever seen in your life.¬† How do I know all the posts you’ve seen to compare this one to?¬† Because I’m sitting behind you.¬† *waves*¬† Hey!¬† I’ve given you the top 10 for 2018 fantasy baseball, top 20 for 2018 fantasy baseball and top 20 catchers for 2018 fantasy baseball.¬† All projections included are mine, and where I see tiers starting and stopping are included.¬† Let’s do this!¬† Anyway, here’s the top 20 1st basemen for 2018 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
*fumbles with an envelope, Hillary Swank stands next to me, watching on, embarrassed for me*¬† And the Teoscar goes to…Teoscar Hernandez!¬† Hillary Swank leans into the microphone, “Well, he was the only one nominated.”¬† Ugh, totally unnecessary Swank!¬† I should’ve pointed out how she was checking out Hugh Jackman’s wife the entire time on stage.¬† I picked up Teoscar before yesterday’s game for the runs because he was leading off, I never expected such a windfall of gorge.¬† He went 2-for-5, 4 RBIs with his 6th and 7th homer in only his 73rd at-bat.¬† That’s 20 hits total for him, with seven going gonzo.¬† This is better than Million Dollar Baby!¬† Yeah, I hope Hillary Swank’s Google alerts are going bizzonkers today.¬† Not ready to announce my love for Teoscar for next year, I am more of an IFP Spirit Awards guy, but you have to grab Teoscar for these final days.¬† Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Can you name the top five in the AL for batting average?¬† I’m talking those qualified.¬† The person who said Erik Kratz for being 1-for-1 on the year is unqualified to answer.¬† By the way, if you’ve taken too many quaaludes to answer, does that mean you’re unquaaludified?¬† ¬†I pose this question to you while sprawled on a tiger-skin carpet like Burt Reynolds in a centerfold for Cosmopolitan.¬† “Loni, feed me grapes, would you doll face?”¬† Totally making current references right now.¬† The top 5:¬† Altuve, Avisail Garcia, Hosmer, Reddick and Jose Ramirez.¬† Yo, batting average leaders nowadays are weird.¬† There’s only ten guys in the league over .300, and two of them are Joe Mauer and Lorenzo Cain.¬† Yesterday, Avisail went 5-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs and his 17th homer, as he hits .333.¬† Let me be the first to tell you, he has not really broken out like your teenaged face.¬† He’s hitting 52% ground balls, a .397 BABIP (!), not even top 70 for Hard Contact percentage, a high HR/FB% for him and still only has 17 homers.¬† There’s very little to point to that he’s breaking out, and not just getting crazy lucky.¬† Now watch him win the batting title and go full Terry Pendleton.¬† Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yesterday, Matt Olson¬†went 1-for-2, 2 RBIs with his 18th homer, hitting .273, all in only 49 games, and seven homers in his last ten games.¬† Dizzamn, who is he the American League’s Rhysus?¬† I’d call him Olsonus, but that sounds stupid.¬† We’re ridin’ the Ols-mobile?¬† That’s better (not)!¬† Like me after Taco Bell, he is Olplosive (much worse!).¬† I hear the train a comin’ rollin’ round the bend!¬† I ain’t seen the sunshine since I don’t know when!¬† Well I’m stuck with Matt Olson and time keeps dragging on!¬†¬†While a train keeps a rollin’ like Olson to San Antone!¬†¬†Well when I was just a baby my mama told me Olson, Olson, OLSON!¬†¬†Always be a good boy don’t ever play with guns (flexes, showing gun show).¬†¬†Well I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die, not OLSON!¬†¬†When I hear that whistle blowin’ I hang my head and I cry because I don’t have OLSON!¬† Whew, that was exhausting.¬† So, obviously, if you need power, you should grab Olsonus, and ride the Ols-mobile.¬† Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
There’s a common term sociologists use called, The Tide of Uze. ¬†Everything that encompasses everyday life is on The Tide of Uze. ¬†Brushing your teeth, walking your dog, Jose Abreu, they’re all on The Tide of Uze. ¬†There’s small pleasures to be found with them, but they’re so consistent they are often lost amongst other more exciting things. ¬†However, this past weekend The Tide of Uze was raised by Irma GAWD!, the¬†fantasy football kickoff and me going to a Dodgers game with Dr. Kenneth Noisewater, a frequent commenter who was in town. ¬†I didn’t rank those per their importance, I’ll leave that to you. ¬†Big weekend for the world, right? ¬†(Yes.) With the Tide of Uze raising, it lifts everything that was floating on its surface, which meant Jose Abreu had a career weekend. ¬†On Saturday, he hit for the cycle, and, not to be outdone, he homered twice on Sunday (2-for-3, 3 RBIs, home run, 30 and 31). ¬†His season numbers are now 85/31/90/.302/1. ¬†All preseason I talked about how I wasn’t getting a 1st baseman in the first two rounds, so I was drafting Abreu everywhere, and I was nervous about it. ¬†Let’s just say I’ve learned to appreciate The Tide of Uze. ¬†Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Doh! ¬†A deer, a female deer and also what the Dodgers say. ¬†Ray, a drop of golden filth. ¬†Me, a name I call myself who owns J.D. Martinez and¬†Robbie Ray. ¬†Fa, a long long way to run if a Bostonian is saying far. ¬†SO another name for strikeouts. ¬†LA is where the game took place. ¬†Ti I dribble down my face, when J.D. Martinez and Robbie Ray play. ¬†Yesterday, Ray went 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 14 Ks, ERA down to 2.80. ¬†Robbie Ray is an ace. ¬†No matter how you slice that pecan pie, he’s an ace. ¬†No matter how you put that pancake batter on the skittle. ¬†No matter how you put whipped cream in my mouth. ¬†My God, I’m so hungry. ¬†Cougs has got me doing this Whole30 diet and I’m legit about to eat my hand. ¬†At Endorphin Ralph’s top 100 starters for this week, Ray’s ranked 6th. ¬†Can’t argue that, and last night he dunked all over the LA K’ers. ¬†Then, J.D. Martinez got my goosepimples all a-titter. ¬†He went 4-for-5, 6 RBIs with his 31st, 32nd, 33rd and 34th homer. ¬†Someone has to Just Dong, so who better than Just Dong? ¬†Who?! ¬†Sorry, I’m writing this wearing an owl costume. ¬†Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Went over this a little this morning with my general September call-ups for fantasy baseball (clickbait!) writings/stylings/gibberish. ¬†I’m not enthused by the guys headed to the majors this September. ¬†Look at what happened this year with Yoan Moncada. ¬†He had to be held down an extra month due to a September call-up. ¬†Of course, if, say, Harrison Bader walks on water straight down Broad Street, grabs a Philly cheesesteak, burps in Rhysus’ face, hits a 885-mile turn to the Gateway Arch and wrecks havoc in St. Louis, then by all means I’m grabbing him. ¬†With that said (finally!), Tyler Glasnow should be up any day now. ¬†In Triple-A, he’s been pitching strictly from the stretch, and it’s made all the difference in his mechanics. ¬†He’s compiled a 13.5 K/9 (!), 2.21 xFIP and he throws 95 MPH. ¬†131 Ks to only 31 walks in 87 1/3 IP! ¬†Sign me up pronto, Tonto. ¬†Of course, in mixed leagues, I’m still viewing him mostly as a matchups guy for the final month, but I’d stash everywhere for (Glas)now. ¬†Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
For the last few days, I’ve been in New York for my grandfather’s 90th birthday. ¬†With each passing year, he gets more casually racist, and, let’s just say, he didn’t start at zero. ¬†I told him Byron Buxton hit three homers on Sunday, and he said, “Byron? ¬†What’s he, a Jew?” ¬†I told him, no, I don’t think so, but, of course, he can’t hear so well, so he continued, “I didn’t think Jews played sports. ¬†Well, I guess he’ll at least be good with the money he makes.” ¬†Then he went on a twenty-minute rant about how he’d have more money if he was Jewish (he’s Italian). ¬†If you read Who Is Grey Albright?, you’ll know that I was raised by my grandparents, so let’s hope the apple rolled far enough away from the tree. ¬†Otherwise, I’m gonna be writing roundups in 40 years like this, “Byron Buxton Jr. – He has better contact rates than his father, and prolly can find a good interest rate, ya know, because Jew.” ¬†Here’s my grandfather with the entertainment we got for the party. ¬†For those of you that grew in the tri-state area in the 1980’s, you’ll be familiar with the entertainment:
My grandfather’s 90th birthday with special guest, Uncle Floyd! pic.twitter.com/hmAUH2z0Vr
‚ÄĒ Razzball (@Razzball) August 27, 2017
Any hoo! ¬†Byron Buxton went 4-for-5, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and three homers (11, 12, 13) and his 24th steal. ¬†A triple slam and legs? ¬†What a glutton for wonderful! ¬†From the 1st half to the 2nd half, his average went from .216 to .309; his K-rate is down from 31% to 25%; his OPS went from .594 to .903; his ISO went from .090 to .245, and his OBP went from .288 to .350. ¬†Beginning to think real adjustments have been made for 2018, because everything’s been better in the 2nd half. ¬†His 2nd half has been bigger and better than the pictures I saw recently of Tiger Woods, if you catch my drift. ¬†(Okay, so the apple doesn’t roll that far from the tree after all.) ¬†Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Rich Hill threw a perfect game yesterday — he pitched into the tenth inning and didn’t get a blister. ¬†Are we measuring perfect games for Rich Hill differently now? ¬†I thought that was his standard. ¬†How about this? ¬†Rich Hill threw a perfect game through nine innings if Logan Forsythe would’ve stayed down on a grounder to third, which leaves Forsythe with nothing but hindsight. ¬†The irony is thick like Nicki Minaj. ¬†Yesterday, Rich Hill went 9 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 10 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.32; his only blemish was a tenth-inning, lead-off, walk-off home run by Josh Harrison, oh, that spoil sport. ¬†Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
On the ones and twos, it’s not DJ Khaled, with a cigar in his baby’s mouth, dropping another one in a major key. ¬†It’s yo’ boy, DJ LeMahieu (4-for-5, 4 runs, 1 RBI), the French-sounding EDM mixmaster, spinning his wheels around the bases. ¬†Yo, DJ LeMahieu, what you got to say about that? ¬†“Pouvez-vous chicken francaise?” ¬†Yo, you sound like me pretending to be French! ¬†Next up throwing down, it’s Mark Reynolds (3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 25th homer), the man, the myth, the Mini Donkey. ¬†All brays to you! ¬†Then how about Trevor Story (3-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 17th and 18th homers) finding his way into back-to-back home run games, like succinylcholine finds its way into back-to-back Forensic Files. ¬†Then there’s Carlos Gonzalez…Actually, you still suck! ¬†So, the Rockies, scored (fill-in-number, too high to count) last night, and Jon Gray did all he had to do — 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, which in Coors is all you can ask. ¬†His peripherals are gorgeous — 8.6 K/9, 2.8 BB/9, 3.59 xFIP, but something I failed to remember this past preseason, it’s still a struggle to start him in Coors. ¬†I mean, shizz gets ugly fast like a reality TV person at a reunion show. ¬†Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?