This weekend, my Cougar’s dog had diarrhea all over my foot. ¬†So, I wrote a list of Don’ts and taped it to his bed. ¬†1. Do not poop my foot. ¬†2. Do not ever poop my foot. ¬†Seriously. ¬†3. ¬†There’s no three. ¬†Now if you were to switch out “foot,” with “fantasy team” that could’ve been Mark Reynolds prior to this weekend. ¬†Carrying him on your team, you may as have been walking behind him with a plastic bag and a spray bottle. ¬†It was like Mini Donkey forgot all the brays that was heaped on him in the past and why. ¬†You strikeout, Mini Donkey, but you also homer. ¬†Without the latter, you’re not reaching your heights. ¬†Pun point! ¬†This weekend he put on a show in The Home They Built Across The Street From The Home Ruth Built. ¬†He had two two (stutterer!) homer games out of three and 7 RBIs. ¬†As you should know if you’re reading this, Reynolds likes to hit them in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana. ¬†If he’s on your waivers, I’d grab him immediately. ¬†A ten homer month from Mini Donkey wouldn’t shock me (though, it would make me pleasantly surprised). ¬†Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Chris Tillman¬†– Left yesterday’s start with elbow stiffness. ¬†In related news, Dr. James Andrews’s beeper went off in the middle of Sunday’s third mimosa.
Curtis Granderson – Went for an MRI because he had moans over his hammy. ¬†He’ll just need a day or two to recoup. ¬†Our prayers, however sarcastic, are with him.
Brandon Inge – Out with season-ending shoulder surgery. ¬†On a side note, if I had my own dry rub, I’d call it the season-ender and I’d have Lawrence Taylor in the commercials (when he wasn’t in jail). ¬†How fierce would that be? ¬†More fierce if I didn’t say it was fierce? ¬†Perhaps.
A.J. Griffin¬†– 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks as he returned from the DL on Saturday. ¬†Alfredo Jettucini¬†ended up taking Colon’s spot instead of Straily, so what does that mean for us? ¬†He’s the one that should be owned, especially in home games. ¬†There could be some solid mixed league value, but he’s not more than a streamer. ¬†Stream-o-Nator, “You owe me a nickel for using the word ‘streamer.’ ¬†Perriwinkle Mauvestein, ESQ. will be in touch.”
Josh Willingham – Should be fine to go in the next day or so as he sat out yesterday with a “slight” hamstring strain. ¬†Those are the Twins quotes, not mine. ¬†Usually quotes on Twins are like $1200 for a night, depending on the service.
Ricky Romero – 1 IP, 7 ER. ¬†I’m gonna reiterate what I’ve said before aforementionedly on the previous tip because I feel bad for Romero and he needs someone to defend him, and I’m a hero (in my own mind). ¬†Without the Jays’ pitcher injuries, they would’ve sent Romero to the Disgraceful List about two months ago. ¬†Really hoping they’re not ruining his career by continually sending him out there. ¬†He needs to be sat for the final month; he’s off the grid like Pete from Mad Men with no working toilet and living next to a 650-pound rock in Topanga Canyon.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Indians are listing him day-to-day with a sore wrist. ¬†Here’s a word of advise for September, in general. ¬†With the expanded rosters, teams won’t DL players and just let them sit on their bench for a day or 10 days. ¬†They’ll also call more serious injuries day-to-day because there’s no reason to say he’s gone for ten days when there’s no DL’ing anyway. ¬†Not saying this is the case with Asdrubal; Cust kayin’.
Brandon League – Got Saturday’s save, and Mattingly said he would share save opportunities with Belisario. ¬†You want one guy getting the saves, so this is not a great shituation, obviously. ¬†I dropped Belisario for Cashner and just went with League in a 12 team mixed league. ¬†I don’t have room for both, but maybe your league is different, or League, as the case may be. ¬†Yesterday, Belisario entered a losing game in the 9th inning, but it was at home so it doesn’t mean anything, not like there ever would’ve been a lead to protect. ¬†As for Kenley, it’s sounding pretty serious, and not pretty as in, “Yo, can I get your number, you is pretty.” ¬†There’s a good chance that Kenley will be shutdown for the year.
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 37th homer as he hit a homer Friday, Saturday and Sunday. ¬†This Labor Day weekend, Edwin did work.
Andrelton Simmons – Could return from the DL next weekend. ¬†He could easily go 6/8. ¬†That’s runs and RBIs. ¬†There’s no reason for excitement outside of keeper leagues. ¬†Unless you have a side bet in your league that Andrelton Simmons will return before September 9th. ¬†But if that’s the case, you might have a gambling problem.
Tyler Colvin – 1-for-3 with his 2nd homer in as many games. ¬†I said he’d hit 4 homers this week. ¬†He hit 3. ¬†Sue me! ¬†(The preceding was made in jest. ¬†What are you going to sue me for? ¬†A piece of Razzball? ¬†Here take the month of November from 2009. ¬†I hear Jason Heyward is a sleeper.)
Chris Nelson – 1-for-4 with a homer. ¬†He was in this past Friday’s Buy, but, as said there, he was more about this weekend while the Rockies were in Coors. ¬†(FWIWuertz, I’d own Colvin for away games too.)
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-4 with his first homer as he filled in for Kinsler, who was out with a stiff back. ¬†I already went over my Jurickson Profar 2012 fantasy. ¬†To sum it up, he will be good, not this year due to playing time. ¬†And that’s me condensing 300 words into 11!
David Murphy – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer in as many games. ¬†I touted David Murphy for about two weeks straight. ¬†Then I burped, and moved on to some other hot schmotato. ¬†It doesn’t make Murphy less valuable; I had gas.
Alejandro De Aza – Activated from the DL and homered last night. ¬†He should go on the DL more often!
Tony Abreu – 3-for-4 as he started in front of Johnny¬†Giavotella. ¬†Nothing to see with Witness Protection Program Abreu, he can play a bunch of different positions without much success, i.e., he’s a futility player.
John Mayberry Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 runs. ¬†Now has hits in 8 of his last 10 games (with 2 homers) and is hitting over .350 in the last week. ¬†He could give you (and the Phils, for that matter) the same value as Pence over the final month. ¬†Grab him for the limited edition, hot schmotato Jr.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 7 1/3 IP, o ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.14. ¬†You know what I find funny in a not funny at all type way? ¬†No one is owning Iwakuma when he’s actually performing, but when February Grey gets around to ranking starters, I guarantee people will think he’s too low, or be excited to draft him.
Tyler Greene – 2-for-3 with his 9th homer. ¬†The Lastros shortstop now has one more home run than Troy Tulowitzki. ¬†I’m sorry if that caused you to run into traffic. ¬†You know how when you type something into Google it gives you the most likely autofill suggestions? ¬†Well, for most players, it’s girlfriend or is Jewish? ¬†But for Troy Tulowitzki it’s injury. ¬†That’s not because he’s clearly a Gentile gay man.
Jay Bruce – 1-for-4 with his 29th homer. ¬†Next year when you look at his 30+ homers, you won’t remember that he was cold for two and a half months this year. ¬†I know this much is true, huh huh huh hu-uh huh, Spandau Ballet.
Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks as his innings move to 156 1/3. ¬†That leaves two more starts for him. ¬†Or two hundred tries to win a SpongeBob plushie at this month’s state fair.
Shelby Miller – Cards promoted him as anticipated. ¬†I just went over my Shelby Miller fantasy. ¬†Unfortch, he’s going to be in a long relief role. ¬†For the Cards next trick, they will zap Shelby Miller’s fantasy value for this year.
David Wright – 0-for-4, 1 RBI. ¬†In 357 ABs since I labeled him a Sell on May 18th, he has the line of 51/13/57/.277/8. ¬†Of course, when you tell people to Sell someone, they call you stupid when the player has a good month right after you said sell, but then those same people disappear when the player goes cold for the following two months. ¬†See also Mark Trumbo.
Desmond Jennings – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 24th steal. ¬†Since I’m in one of those moods, I told you to Buy Desmond Jennings on June 29th. ¬†Since then he has 8 homers, 12 steals and a .267 average in 217 ABs. ¬†It’s about a 24 homer, 36 steal pace on the year for a leadoff hitter. ¬†I had nothing to go on for that Buy other than Matthew Berry telling people to drop him. ¬†It’s foolproof! ¬†Or maybe that’s proofed by a fool.
Garrett Jones – 3-for-3, 3 runs and his 23rd homer. ¬†I will call you a poor man’s Willingham — Willingspam.
James McDonald – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER as his fantasy owners found a rat in their McRatios.
Rickie Weeks – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (14) and a double helping of legs (12). ¬†I don’t own Weeks anywhere, but I actually hope he has a huge September, so he’s overdrafted again next year. ¬†There’s some people who can’t help themselves when it comes to Weeks. ¬† “Hey, Grey, are you wearing pants in your photo? ¬†Also, how about Weeks? ¬†Sleeper?” ¬†That’s you next March.
Yovani Gallardo – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER. ¬†Just realized something. ¬†He only pitches poorly when it’s most obvious. ¬†In April, he pitches poorly when you have no previous months to remind you why you drafted him. ¬†Then, on Sunday, when you need a good start for your H2H playoffs! ¬†YoGa, you’re supposed to relieve stress?!
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 15th homer and on Saturday he stole 2 bases. ¬†I know he’s a pretty terrible hitter, in the general sense. ¬†But in the specific sense, he has 15 homers and 30 steals on the year. ¬†Don’t you think it’s about time you gave him a chance on your team? ¬†Did he burn you in the past? ¬†Are you holding a grudge? ¬†Even Eminem¬†dropped and picked up Kim a few times. ¬†Give him another chance already.
Chase Headley – 4-for-5, 6 RBIs and a slam (23) and legs (14) in Coors. ¬†I have a special surprise for you. ¬†One of our Denver readers, Pip, went to the Rockies-Padres game on Sunday, and we gave him a dreamcatcher to bring with him. ¬†Here’s what he got when he pointed the dreamcatcher towards Headley, “Headley’s dreams were muddled images in a stream-of-consciousness-type way. ¬†At first, he was dreaming of a 50-feet tall, 50,000 pound Tony Gwynn sitting on Petco and crushing it. ¬†Then newspapers spun out like in old-timey films and it said the Padres would play their home games in Coors. ¬†Then Giant Tony Gwynn was hanging out with regular-sized Kyle Blanks and they were the same size. ¬†Then Headley was walking onto a yacht with an apricot scarf. ¬†Then he got shipwrecked on an island with the Skipper, Mary-Anne, Ginger, Professor and J.P. Howell and the only place the Professor let him play baseball was in a stadium that looked like Petco.” ¬†Fascinating stuff, thanks, Pip!
Alexi Amarista – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. ¬†Sometimes you get a week with one steal and no hits from Amarista, sometimes your Amarista gives you a free grande latte and two biscotti.
Pablo Sandoval – Bochy announced that the club would like Pablo to lose some weight in the offseason. ¬†Giants are willing to do their part. ¬†After he hits a game-winning homer, they plan on smashing a salad into his face.