You know how when you move out of a place, you throw out a majority of your stuff, but a few things you just slide into the cubbyhole behind the washer/dryer? Maybe nothing significant. Just something to leave your mark, like an old pair of underwear. Then in a few years, maybe ten, you go back to your old place, knock on the door and ask to see what they’ve done with the place. Once inside, you ask if you can launder your pants and while in the basement, you check for your old underwear, and there they are. You shake the rat droppings off them, breath them in and they still smell of you. What? You’ve never done this? Okay, you’re weird, but Jake Peavy did, and now he’s going to get to smell his old gotchies that he left in the NL West. San Francisco has a lot of hills and their pitching staff has gone over all of them. They’d like Petit more if he had more T’s and E’s in his last name. Want to spot a Giants starter in San Fran? Find a hill, go over it. They’re on the other side. This is a boost for Peavy’s value. Obvi! He had a 7.5 K/9 and 2.2 BB/9, which is borderline streamer in most shallower mixed leagues, but that was the AL East, and even while he’s been in the AL the last few years (while not pitching that great), he’s been solid vs. NL teams. They have no DH! The pitcher hits! Etc. Etc. Etc. Last night against the NL West’s best offense outside of Coors, he had a line of 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. I’d take a flyer on Peavy in all leagues, and his next matchup on the Stream-o-Nator says it agrees. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Matt Cain – There’s no timetable for his return. Simple math: a pitcher with an elbow injury + no timetable to return in late-July = Berklee College of Music. Hmm, math seems off there. Maybe I forgot to carry a one. Any the hoo! It’s a bad sign, and Cain might not return this year. Actually, with how he’s pitching, that might be a good sign if you own him.
Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. Definitely didn’t have his best stuff. He was like 99.9999% the way to his best stuff. Call me when he’s picked up that last ten-thousandths of a point.
Allen Webster – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks. Has a solid 8.44 strikeout– Wait, that’s not his K-rate, that’s his walk rate? Papa Papadopoulos don’t preach, Webster’s in trouble deep. Y to the ikes. Don’t burn down the house with your walks, Webster. Not sure if the Red Sox will keep him in the rotation, but they should just to see what he can do. That doesn’t mean you need to own him outside of AL-Only leagues.
Dustin Pedroia – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 3rd steal. Assuming his owners are still paying attention to their teams and haven’t moved onto JayWrong and fantasy football, it’s gotta be a nice surprise to actually get some stats from your 2nd baseman. If height were might, Pedroia’s playing this year like Webster, not the rookie pitcher, the 43-year-old man-child.
Daniel Nava – 2-for-4, 1 run. Was 0-for-5 in the last two games, but was hitting near .400 in the previous week. Hasn’t shown much power and doesn’t have any speed and when I started this sentence I was trying to say something nice and now I got Nava, Nava, not a damn thing.
David Ortiz – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer. That was all the offense the Red Sox needed yesterday. The Drake rhyme that you should but won’t hear, “Big Papi Ortiz and pray for eight H Bee Pees.”
Chris Archer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA up to 3.37. Been pretty consistent in being ‘just above a streamer’ for his fantasy value. His peripherals are nothing special, and his BABIP would lead one (me) to believe that he could hit a nasty speed bump at any moment.
Edwin Encarnacion – Suffered a minor setback on Friday while swinging a bat. Man, now his injury is Robin us of potential BAM, POW and SOCK.
Dan Johnson – 1-for-4, 1 run and a home run on Saturday. Here’s an appraiser being shown Dan Johnson on Antique Roadshow. “Do you know much about this piece? No, okay, he was a prospect in 2005, who was famously touted for his ability to take a walk. Unfortunately, it was proven he wasn’t just taking a pitch out of the strike zone, but he took every pitch, ball or strike. Wanna know how much he’s worth? Maybe a $1 in AL-Only leagues while Edwin’s out. Now this Ming jade is interesting…”
Juan Francisco – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. In related only to my fantasy team’s news, Ryan Zimmerman will probably miss the rest of the season. I want Juan Francisco, he’d be such a treat!
Chase Headley – 1-for-4 and his first home run as a Yankee. There was a moment where the Blue Jays thought Headley was trying to show them up, because he was running very slowly on his homer. Headley apologized after the game, saying, “I thought my homer was a pop-up to 2nd base. I love this stadium!”
Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.24. I can only imagine where this is going to catapult Porcello in JB’s starter rankings coming later today. Let’s see, Kershaw, Porcello, everyone else.
David Freese – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Have the Angels had a decent 3rd baseman since Troy Glaus? And the Mitchell Report might have something to say about how great Glaus actually was. Hmm, I wonder if Mitchell caught fly balls barehanded while writing up that report.
Doug Fister – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.69 vs. Mat Latos (6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA up to 3.31). This matchup was billed as Fister vs. Hashtag He Gets To Fister.
Avisail Garcia – Could return in September. Here is me dancing without reason. This is me dancing for Avisail. There was a noticeable difference.
Sam Fuld – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 13th steal. At 32 years old, he doesn’t provide much besides SAGNOF for deep leagues. Sam’s just an old Fulddy-duddy.
Lucas Duda – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Now with 4 homers this week and not a whole lot of hits other than homers, but whatever, focus on the positive. Speaking of which, someone should open up a Pho restaurant that doubles as a brothel and name it Pho Cus, so most Americans think it’s focus, but those that know how pho is really pronounced will know it’s actually noodles in a broth…el. Now that I say it, how has no one done this already?
Jacob deGrom – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 2.79. DeGrom’s pitching much better than his minor league stats would indicate he should. Not that he should be bad, but he’s more of a fantasy number 4 to 5, and he’s pitching as if he’s more than that. Eh, ride the lightning like Metallica while it’s going well. Clunky Segue Alert! Or, better yet, ride deGrom like you’re in the Razzball tour van that is headed out on the road. You can still get your Razzball tour tickets. What? You scared to surround yourself with like-minded individuals? I can understand that in this case.
Jimmy Nelson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Mess. Let’s see it again against a Major League offense. Snap in a they-are-terrible formation.
Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, lowering his ERA to 1.92. Xenoglossy is a phenomenon when someone wakes from a traumatic incident and can suddenly speak a language they are not familiar with. When Matheny chose Wainwright over Kershaw for the All-Star Game, Wainwright woke speaking Ge’ez, a northern Ethiopian language that doesn’t have the letter K.
A.J. Pierzynski – 1-for-4 yesterday and 3-for-4, 1 RBI on Saturday. On his newest team, the Cards, he should replace a decent amount of Yadier’s stats. Call him semi-Molina and pay him in dough.
Kyle Hendricks – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (0 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 2.33 through three starts. Damn fine start again, but the matchups don’t get easier in the very near future with him going to Los Angeles next time. That’s the real Los Angeles not the Anaheim That’s Not Los Angeles, Los Angeles. In deeper leagues, I’d definitely grab Hendricks, but still can’t go all-in on him yet.
Ian Kennedy – Will miss his start today with oblique soreness. Some are saying it was his rib cage and Kennedy’s oblique was just a patsy.
Odrisamer Despaigne – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks. Those five walks came against the Braves, which means against a normal team he would’ve gave up 17 walks in three innings (give or take 12 walks). The revival of the Otis Spunkmeyer throwback cookie/funky-delivery-pitcher might be done or he might just be a Hodgepadre, which means he’ll be fine for his next start at home. Hard to say right now, which makes him risky.
Jedd Gyorko – Will be activated from the DL today. Let’s see if this time he can Gyork some balls out of the yard and not Gyork around his fantasy owners.
Yangervis Solarte – 2-for-5 and his 1st homer for the Padres. For those that schmotato’d around with Solarte for the better part of the month of May when he hit 5 homers and around .300, you know that he’s worth owning when he’s hot.
Mike Minor – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Padres. “Okay, I’m gonna hold Minor for one more start. This next start vs. the Padres and then, based on that, I’m going to decide what to do with him. Hopefully, it’s not a six inning, three-run game, which I won’t be able to make heads or tails of.” Doh!
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer. OZUNA try to bunt. OZUNA hit ball over fence. OZUNA try to hold elegant lady in hand. OZUNA pinch her hip flexor. OZUNA does not know strength. OZUNA hang head and walk through field of daisies.
Garrett Jones – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. Jones hasn’t been playing every day, because Marlins manager, Redmond, finally figured out Jones is a platoon player and Redmond also knows how to roll a blunt.
Jose Altuve – 3-for-4 and a slam (4) and legs (42). Astros weren’t even sure if Altuve would make the game, because he accidentally fell between the car seat and center console. He needed Drop Stop as seen on Shark Tank.
Jon Singleton – 1-for-2 and his 7th homer. Gon Homerton! Who has been more Gon On Three Pitches lately. I might take a flyer on Singleton in some leagues to see if this will be the spark he needs to get going, because he does have a lot of power, if he can just hit the ball.
Collin McHugh – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks in his first start off the DL. Hopefully you let your activersion win out and didn’t bother with this start. The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t really love his next start either, and I’d wait in most leagues until I saw a decent start before going near him.
Troy Tulowitzki – Flew to see a sports hernia surgeon on Saturday for his leg injury. No wonder he’s having problems, he’s got nuts in his leg. Tulo isn’t the world’s most-injured baseball player. He’s the world’s most injury-prone squirrel.
Carlos Gonzalez – Rolled his ankle on Friday and missed Saturday and Sunday. That’s what happens when you legalize marijuana. You get rolled ankles.
Justin Morneau – Will begin a rehab assignment on Monday. Hey, that’s today! You snuck up on me!
Roberto Hernandez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K, lowering his ERA to 4.12. Once Upon A Time-o Carmona is nothing more than a streamer, and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start, and I don’t blame it.
Ryan Howard – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Between innings of yesterday’s game, Marlon Byrd, Ryan Howard and Lori Greiner were doing a special one-time promotion on QVC. The first MLB team to call in and bid gets $65 million towards their salaries and Phillippe Aumont.
David Peralta – 2-for-4. Didn’t have the most productive weekend (3-for-11), but I grabbed him for the Monday batty call. Won’t you join me for some one-time, semi-consensual, hot sexy hump-hump time?
James Paxton – On track to return on August 2nd. He’s been out since the first week of the season with a strained lat. That, folks and four female folks, is how you pull a Kotchman. He’s worth a flyer in most leagues, just not quite at the level of how many questions I get for him. People have been asking about him for months like he’s Kershaw’s craps table junkie brother, Crapshaw. Stroman, Paxton, Gausman? Eh, they’re like a toss-up of tomatoes in space. Slowly rotating and then they squish on impact if caught wrong.
Miguel Gonzalez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K vs. Roenis Elias (5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks). In a matchup of Hmm, Should I Stream This Guy vs. I Shouldn’t Stream This Guy, Should I? The game ended up in a no decision for both, which seems appropriate.
Chris Taylor – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. Taylor started Thursday and Sunday with Brad Miller starting on Friday and Saturday. I think it’s going to be hard to suppress Chris Taylor-Stiller’s ability to get on base — I know I’d like to get on her base — but while they are platooning, they’re both useless in most mixed leagues.
Mike Zunino – 3-for-4 and his 15th homer. Luckily, his average is sub-.210 to keep the possibility alive for his 2015 sleepiness (sleeperitude? Prince Valium?).
Dustin Ackley – 3-for-5, and now hitting over .400 in the last week. Ackrite, Dustin! And go on with your hot schmotato self.
Josh Reddick – 3-for-5, 1 RBI and a home run on Saturday. He’s raised his average almost fifteen points since coming off the DL last week and could show his big-time power in the 2nd half. I like Reddick a lot. Oh, stop giggling.
Josh Harrison – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (6) and double legs (12, 13). My sweet Lord, Harrison has been boring to own aside from the occasional big game that he seems to do every once in a blue moon. If the moon was made of blue cheese, would you eat it? Would cha?
Gregory Polanco – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Who now? Pole Anklo? Is that a Russian hockey player?
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Why do I have so much love for a guy that only has 9 homers? I don’t know, but my love is strong with this young brother. He could be a top 3 3rd baseman for me next year. For serious.
Carlos Santana – 3-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homers, now batting .232. As predicted here first after predicting a lot of other things that I’m choosing to ignore, watch how at the end of the year Santana is hitting .250 with 27 homers and it seems like he had basically the same kind of season as he always has even if he didn’t go about getting those stats the way you would’ve wanted him to. Damn, just came up short of the world’s longest run-on sentence. Oh, well, better luck next time, if I’m up to the task, but there’s– Okay, I won’t try right now.
Danny Salazar – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners (0 BBs), 7 Ks. The no walks thing is huge. Been a while since Salazar was singing from the book of right-on like Joanna Newsom. To mix vegetation, I don’t want to hedge, but I’m not sure Salazar is out of the woods yet. I told you to grab him in Friday’s Buy, and I would own him, but he’s risky due to control. That upside though, muah!
Norichika Aoki – 2-for-4, 1 run. Member in March when you were humming the instrumental Japanese porn music ‘Norichika boom boom?’ Well, he’s back at the top of the lineup and has multiple hits in four of his last six games. At the worst, he’s a hot schmotato.
Billy Butler – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, and hit two homers this weekend. He was just benched due to performance, but Hosmer hurt his hand and Butler saw another week of starts. I give Butler a hard time because his cholesterol is above his SLG, but what do you think Butler is batting to get benched? .195? .220? .260? Can’t be that high, can it? He’s hitting .273. Yost is harder on his Butler than Richard Nixon, who kept haranguing his butler over a suspicious droopy eyelid. “I know you’re tape recording me with that droopy eyelid!” That was John Cusack, playing Nixon, improvising on the set of The Butler prior to Forest Whitaker holding Cusack up like he was a boombox.