Jonathan Papelbon hit the DL and it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. Though, I’m using the archaic definition of nicer. An adjective which was once described a jerk off who went to Nice, France and hurled insults. Example, A nicer man would stand on the curb as Gerard Depardieu passed on his bicycle, screaming, “You are the fattest frog I’ve ever seen and I once force fed a frog to make frog foie gras.” Filling in for Papelbon will be Shawn Kelley and Felipe Rivero. Rivero is a lefty, so his best hope for saves is a 9th inning that is lefty heavy like my Facebook feed from my Bernie Sanders-supporting friends. Of course, Dusty said he wouldn’t commit to any one replacement because Dusty’s gonna Dusty. He cited other possible candidates to close like Blake Treinen and Sammy Solis. I wonder if Dusty knows that’s not the slugger he once managed in Chicago. “Sammy Solis, you came up short with McGwire, but I need you to close out this game. By the way, go easier on the skin whitening.” That’s Dusty while juggling the toothpick in his mouth. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brian Matusz – Signed with the Cubs. Between Matusz, Baez, Szczur, Zobrist, Federowicz and Rizzo, the Cubs have the best record in baseball and Words With Friends.
John Lackey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.66. Only thing he’s “Lackey” is four other decent pitchers around him! Not on the Cubs, Cousin Sweatpants, I’m talking about on the team where I own Lackey. This is a fantasy blog, let’s focus a little bit here.
Dexter Fowler – 2-for-5, 1 run. You know what’s unfair? When one of your weaker pieces has a .400 OBP and he’s your leadoff hitter. I mean, give the Cubs Bryant, Rizzo, Arrieta, Lester et al, but Fowler too? It’s gonna be so heartbreaking when they lose the first round of the playoffs after the Mets send out their lineup card with Jim Breuer dressed as a goat.
Maikel Franco – Remained out of the lineup due to his right knee. Ironically, his left knee owns Franco in fantasy and is not too happy, wanting to drop him, but he’s a bit of a knee jerk.
Zach Eflin – 2 2/3 IP, 8 ER. Phils fans say, with his last name, the L is silent.
Josh Donaldson – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .263. When you have Giancarlo, Correa, McCutchen and Abreu struggling from the first two rounds, guys that haven’t been amazing but are still doing the job tend to get lost in the shuffle. Eduardo Nunez has been better than Donaldson on our Player Rater, so Donaldson hasn’t been amazing. Though, if you complain about him, you might be accused of having #firstplaceteamproblems.
Ezequiel Carrera – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .333. Hey, it’s the Amish Porsche buggy! How about hot schmotato pie instead of that shoofly pie?
Kevin Pillar – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer. I said the other day he was toting around a hot bat, today I tell you that was meant in a non-sexual fantasy way.
Marcus Stroman – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 4.76. Definite step in the right direction, but I’d want to see more vs. a harder opponent before I claim he’s back. So, I’m saying a pitcher that is five-six needs two steps in the right direction before he’s where another pitcher would be after one step.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer. Hey, it’s Mr. April! Rasmus does tend to get hot, so this could be the start of something. Well, technically, it will be something either way. A good something or a bad something.
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 7th steal. Watching him try to get hot is like watching a baby learn to walk. He’s up! He’s up! And he’s down again. No, he’s up!
Doug Fister – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.26. Fister’s been good — that’s what you wish she said! — but I’d only use him based on the Stream-o-Nator.
Brandon Moss – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. He’s making Freddie Freeman look like a scrub. And Grey don’t want no scrub. A scrub is a guy that can’t get no love from me.
Matt Adams – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .320. Shark Tank Idea! A deck overhanging 1st base in Busch Stadium where the Cards give fans in that section binoculars to view Adams and it’s called a Moobservatory.
Taijuan Walker – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, and had velocity problems all game and then the trainer took him out with an Achilles injury. Sounds terrific like when your mom offers to drive you to the prom.
Kyle Seager – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (1), hitting .280. Not only does he hit exactly 25 homers each year, but he also metes it out almost exactly to stay on pace. I will call him Kyle Cyborger.
Jake Odorizzi – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.79. I can understand rocking Chris Archer because his Ks are insane, but the rest of these bleh ERA Rays’ starters are so whatevs. Don’t you own Blake Snell? Quiet, Random Italicized Voice, I’m making a point. Is that point you’re dopey?
Corey Dickerson – 3-for-4, 2 rusn, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .207. Not saying this is going to happen, but Dickerson could get hot, get his average up to .250, and move into the top 40 outfielders’ discussion. That discussion involves a lot of dismissive eye rolls at Justin Upton and Carlos Gomez.
Steve Pearce – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .336. I had no idea he was hitting so well on the year. Wow, why is he not on any of my teams? Oh, I know. Cause I had no idea he was hitting that well! I just said that!
Evan Longoria – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. Whatever it is, it still feels underwhelming. I’m sorry, Longoria.
Ubaldo Jimenez – Moved to the bullpen. This is like a corrupt police officer being sent to jail with people he put away. “Hey, Ubaldo, Vance Worley here. You remember me? You forced me into a game against the Indians when you couldn’t get out of the 2nd inning. Now it’s time to pay the piper!”
Yovani Gallardo – Will take over Ubaldo’s rotation spot when he returns on Saturday. Note to the Orioles, maybe you stay away from the weird named starters. I’m also casually looking in Odrisamer Despaigne’s direction.
Chris Tillman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.87. See, normal name! This was a tough matchup for Tillman in Fenway, which brings back to my point I’ve made about 4,000 times this year, it doesn’t get easier to start guys in the AL East, even when they’re going well. Oh, and on a related note, he was over 100 pitches when sent out for the 7th inning. Ended up giving up a homer to JBJ and ended the game at 120 pitches. Was it bring Dusty Baker to work day for Baltimore?
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. If you were to track our comments every day like I do, you’d get the idea that Schoop is having a terrible season. But then you see he has 10 homers and you’re like, “Damn, his average must be po’! Po’ is short for poor not Potsdam, by the way.” Yeah, Schoop’s average isn’t bad, it’s .269. *shrugs* Beats me too.
David Price – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA down to 4.52. Inching his way back to respectability, which makes me think of some of my fantasy leagues. Man, you get yourself in an early hole with your pitcher ratios and it such the dog’s breakfast trying to get out of the hole. A hole? Yes, I am.
Adonis Garcia – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 2nd steal. Hitting near-.300 in the last week with two homers. Hot schmotato alert!
Brandon Finnegan – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Julio Teheran 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.93. This matchup between the Reds and Braves was billed as, “If another GM calls for a trade, it’s for us.”
Jay Bruce – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .271. “How about, I don’t know, hmm, maybe that Julio Urias fella for Bruce?” That’s the Reds playing coy.
Gerardo Parra – Had his leg rolled over by Trevor Story in a collision that looked like Parra was in “My season is so effin’ over now” pain. Ryan Raburn (1-for-4 and his 6th homer) took over for him, and could see more time, but there’s a reason why he usually only faces lefties. In limited time over the last three years, Raburn is hitting .222 vs. righties. I.e., Raburn after reading (his splits).
Trevor Story – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. I hope he dedicated that homer to Parra a’la Paul O’Neill.
Carlos Gonzalez – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Not to get all calendar up in here, but it’s not even summer yet in Coors.
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .271. Hard to gauge anything when a guy is in Coors, but Didi has been hitting near-.300 in last week. And once again The Gregorius Didi is done in by a gauge.
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.51. For the past month, the Regression Fairies have been chipping away at Zimmermann’s ratios and getting all Streisand albums digitally.
Justin Upton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs, hitting .229. Scary low on power still, but he’s about a ten day hot streak away from hitting .260, which is the most you can hope from him. Oh, and he has more RBIs than Freeman.
J.D. Martinez – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .287. That huge eight homer in ten game streak is coming. I can feel it.
Miguel Cabrera – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .305. Like I said earlier that Seager is like a cyborg, Miggy is like one too, but only a really insanely good one. Like the Terminator with Johnny Five’s personality.
Todd Frazier – Sat yesterday in the midst of a slump. He needs to have sex with Caitlyn Sandoval to slump bust.
Tim Anderson – 2-for-5, 1 run as he hits leadoff. Starting to come alive, now make sure he comes alive for you. Wow, that could be taken completely out of context.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-5, 2 runs. He’s on fire lately, like L.A. during the riots. I’m obviously not one to promote ESPN, but if you’re not watching the O.J. documentary, you should be. To keep this about baseball, during the riots, I didn’t see anywhere on the wall where it said, “No pepper spray games allowed.”
Whit Merrifield – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .326. He is the hottest schmotato in the land, and a guy who never goes out without his Izod.
Robbie Grossman – 2-for-4, 2 runs. Meh, he will cool off at some point and revert to Gross comma Man, but he is a hot schmotato right now.
Johnny Giavotella – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. He also had four hits the previous game. Someone’s walking up to bat every time like Ric Flair. Woo!
Michael Conforto – Early yesterday, the Mets said they haven’t considered demoting Conforto. Which, obviously, means they’ve considered demoting him. Then they said, rather than make this about a demotion, let’s make it about a phantom injury, so they said Conforto had sprained cartilage in his wrist. First of all, cartilage is only found in sharks. Second of all, sharks don’t have wrists! C’mon, Mets, come up with a better lie! Sounds like Conforto is headed to the Disgraceful List, but he had a cortisone shot and will play it by ear, if he has ears on his supposedly injured cartilage.
Travis d’Arnaud – Will be activated from the DL next Tuesday. Catcher questions will begin in 3, 2, 1….
Zack Wheeler – Could begin rehab this week. This will now mean everyone will be asking about stashing Wheeler. Lowercase yay.
David Wright – Met(s) with a doctor about neck surgery. Wright asked to see a neck surgeon that was close to his back doctor, just in case he got injured on his way to having his injury examined.
Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.82. Sound like a real privileged white boy complaining about 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 Ks. But WAH!
Gerrit Cole – Hit the DL with a triceps strain. That is terrible– Wait, Taillon?! Yes, Taillon.
Jameson Taillon – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.93 as he was called up to start in Cole’s place. This makes me want to enthusiastically dance to Bruno Mars like an aunt at a bar mitzvah. “Don’t believe me just watch!” Okay, Aunt Carla, we believe you can dance. Can you also cut your hair? Long hair looks weird on a 65-year-old. Taillon should be owned, and I’d guess he will have a rotation spot for as long as Cole’s sidelined and/or Locke, Niese and Nicasio aren’t good.
Starling Marte – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .335. Marte’s been a solid producer all year. Top 7 outfielder on the Player Rater, yet — and this yet has its own galaxy it’s so big — he hasn’t even been scorching hot this season.
Jung-ho Kang – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. He missed the first five weeks of the season, and he still has more RBIs than Freddie Freeman.
Drew Pomeranz – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 2.88. I mentioned this in the comments yesterday, and I’m not trying to jinx anyone, but Pomeranz has never thrown more than 100 innings in a season, is already at 75 IP and will likely tire quickly as the season progresses.
Madison Bumgarner – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.91. Even more importantly (to me), he still gave up two hits to Villar.
Angel Pagan – 1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI as he was activated from the DL. That should put his next DL start at around June 18th.
Archie Bradley – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.66. Just look at his ERA. I mean, I know ERA has its flaws, but c’mon.
Jean Segura – 4-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .309. He’s only stolen three bases since April. And that’s why you’re not Jonathan Villar.
Joc Pederson – 2-for-4 and his 10th and 11th homers, hitting .234. Is there anyone more tantalizingly frustrating than this guy? So far it seems like his minor league career was like Joe Piscopo’s SNL career.
Justin Turner – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. Again, I didn’t believe his 2015 year, but I also don’t think he’s this bad either, so there’s upside here.
Chase Utley – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. Gotta love this guy’s grit, but it’s uncalled for that he’s written on his bat, “Ruben Tejada’s femur.”
Kenta Maeda – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.75, but left yesterday’s game after taking a liner off his leg. He stayed on the ground for a few minutes and needed to be helped off the field. X-rays came back negative, but I’m sure something’s wrong with him. How do I know? Well, I just traded Jeanmar Gomez for Maeda. Trade was with Andy Behrens. Guess it’s payback since last week I traded Jake McGee to Behrens for Taillon. Wait until next week, when I trade him Hector Neris and Carlos Estevez for a yet to be unnamed starter.
Robinson Chirinos – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. This was also his 2nd homer in his last eight games. Sure, there were two months between those games, but you shouldn’t quibble with the Fantasy Master Lothario. It’s bad for your health like drinking Windex.
Elvis Andrus – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and has 8 hits in his last 13 at-bats. Fun fact! Andrus’s sisters sang, “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy.”
Ryan Rua – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. And I just picked him up. Just that fast! Like a baller! Which also means he won’t get another hit for the next three weeks. Sorry, Rua.
Sean Manaea – Hit the DL after going for an MRI on his forearm. He is Samoan, and it’s not Girl Scout cookie season, so he’s up against the odds here.
