Welcome to my new column in Razzball: The Magazine! Every week I’ll be responding to letters from fans who are in a fantasy crisis. Let’s jump right in and see our first question:

Dear EverywhereBlair, 

I drafted Sixto Sanchez in the first round. I know! I’m a sucker for alliteration. I even named my team, “Sexy Sixto Stacks Stampede.” You told me ADP was a trap and I could draft whomever I want whenever I want! 

Signed, 

Suxto See Sixto Sick

Well, we’ve got ourselves a humdinger for the first mailbag question! Did you hear that Sixto has a sore arm? You really don’t need to be taking pitchers in the first round. But it’s your team, you do you. You can fix your team by drafting Jacob Stallings, and renaming it the Sticky Stallings Smashers. Onwards, to the main event!

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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We’ve all been here before. We check our phones because our notification are off, because we’re not narcs.* That sweet moment hits, as we click our team’s line up and the screen loads, that moment of potential, before the cruel pendulum of expectation either dashes our dreams or lifts our spirit to heights heretofore unknown. Which way will the pendulum swing? Once we step through the veil, we are in a world of crunchy, tangible numbers. It feels so damn good. We are transported to days of yore, sitting at the kitchen table while our dad reads the worst sections of the upstate New York paper we receive daily. We pore over box scores, not knowing why. The siren song of baseball statistics is so alien and atonal, yet so full of gravity and beautiful shiny outcomes. Why, even a gangling 7-year-old so bad at tee ball they gave him mercy hits could fall in love with those numbers!

Now we live with a stream of blurbs, for absolute better and for atrocious worse. My Saturday was beautiful, walking across a windswept beach, collecting the shells of the invasive Zebra Mussels, pausing to take a deep breath and saying to my kid, “I feel so lucky to be alive today,” and feeling my love radiate out into a world that finally saw and accepted me.

Just kidding, I doomscrolled the Ke’Brayan Hayes blurbs from 2pm-8pm while trying not to show my family that a blurb had crushed my very essence.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
 

Who doesn’t wish they had a true story to tell like the night an unlicensed Les Anderson had when he snuck out and took his grandfather’s 1972 Cadillac Sedan de Ville in order to impress his crush. After she passes out, the night takes a wild turn as a joyride results in the Cadillac taking quite the beating. Gotta love when the old, wasted dude gets behind the wheel and somehow manages not to die. And let’s be honest, for those of you that have seen the movie multiple times, who hasn’t thought about Les’s drive to get his pregnant mom to the hospital when you were driving in reverse for a longer than normal stretch? But I think my favorite part of the movie is when the grandfather opens the garage door to get his car, takes one look at the beat to sh!t Caddy, and says “what in the hell is that?”.  Just another awesome Corey Haim/Corey Feldman 80’s flick for you. One of many. RIP Les Anderson. By the way, I tried looking up who played the old drunk and I think his name is Henry Alan Miller. Shockingly, his role was apparently uncredited.  How can that be? Just look at this performance!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
 

Razzball Patreon members receive our weekly podcast where Grey cackles about the funniest news stories we’ve found over the past week, plus you get that warm fuzzy feeling of supporting your favorite fantasy sports site in all the land.

It’s your favorite hour of the week! I Can’t Believe It’s Not Not News is back again with all the Billy Hurley jokes and Grey Albright cackles you can handle. First we report on new scientific findings that pollution causes small penises. Then Billy covers the story of a mafia fugitive busted after posting YouTube cooking videos and later we get the scoop on a tennis player who sold a $5,000 NFT giving lifetime advertising rights on her right arm.

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Watch our pollution shrinkage and mafia cooking teaser videos below, just a little taste of what you’ll receive by subscribing to the weekly hour long show:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
 

Welcome to one of the busiest Monday slates of the year as almost every team is playing today We are nearing the end of the rotation at the start of the week which usually lends itself to you having to ponder whether you really want to put Julio Teheran (Yuk!) or Trevor Williams (Oh Boy) in your lineup in order to get to that juicy Dodger stack. Luckily for us, the COVID gods have spoken, and deemed us not worthy enough to have watched a great opening day matchup between Jacob deGrom ($11,000) and Max Scherzer. The fallout from that being we get to put him in our lineup today! Now how fun is that right? DeGrom looked fantastic this spring mixing his 4 pitches like a puppet master pitching 13 innings and only allowing 1 ER while striking out 21. Although Spring Training games mean very little he did face the Astro regulars three times. DeGrom brings a 38.8% strikeout rate from last year and only seems to be getting better with age. He faces a good Philadelphia Phillies lineup tonight but a lineup that is prone to strikeouts which is just up DeGrom’s alley. In an uncanny weirdness to the schedule, he has only started a game against the Phillies 1 game out of the last 28 game he has started going back to last season. Start him with extreme confidence no reason to get cute here.

New to FanDuel? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well, be sure to read our content and subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays. Just remember to sign up through us before jumping into the fray. It’s how we know you care!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
 

Baseball watchers are funny, right? Corbin Burnes (6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 11 Ks) was absolutely dazzling. I’m talking one of the best performances of the young season. Everyone was talking about him. Just filth and people wanted that filth rubbed in their eye balls. “Is that eye black?” “No, it’s Burnes’s filth. I applied it myself.” That was everyone. But why was no one talking about Jose Berrios? He matched Burnes, then one-upped him with a 6 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 12 Ks, performance. Is that, oh, I don’t know, as I pause here for emphasis, not good? Both of these guys were fantastic, but one of them gave up a home run to Byron Buxton, and one of them was Jose Berrios. Early season overreaction alert! Both of these guys are going to be top 20 starters this year, but only one of them (Burnes) is being treated that way. Berrios is a safer bet for a huge season, and might actually be able to throw 175+ IP this year. Joe Berry has been berry berry good to me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
 

The year is 2021. A Covid ridden 2020 has turned pitching into a post-apocalyptic landscape where no pitcher in the MLB threw more than 84 innings (Except Matt Moore) MOORE on him later. With the worry of how many teams will use a 6 Man rotation, and whether or not pitchers will be on a short leash to try and manage innings, everything pitching is in question. None the less there will assuredly be a bevy of 2 start pitchers for the next 25 weeks. This is just the beginning so let’s get crackin’.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
 

Last year is officially behind us!

Months after the Dodgers defeated the Rays in the World Series to cap the most unique season Major League Baseball has ever seen, followed by countless offseason moves and meaningless exhibition games, the baseball season has thankfully begun.

Of course, it is impossible to completely put the past behind us. For the Mets and Nationals, they must think that they are still stuck in 2020 as their season-opening series was wiped out due to the COVID virus affecting a host of Washington players. But for everyone else, every hit, home run and strikeout now count. That means we are all checking how our fantasy teams five or six time a not to see how our players are doing on the field.

Gone are the endless updates of our preseason rankings as we prepared for drafts. Now the fun part starts – tracking the players and their performance as the season unfolds. Will the top players perform as expected, or will one of them pull a Christian Yelich or Jose Altuve on us and stink it up all season. With only a handful of games in the books, the Top 25 Shortstop Rankings are basically the same as they were a month ago, but there has been some player movement.

So without further adieu, lets get to the rankings.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
 

Hello fellow DFS degens and welcome to my weekly baseball DFS space. Here we will talk about daily fantasy strategy, players to target, Matchups, my top picks on the FanDuel sportsbook (starting next week) and baseball in general. Though not so much the latter. They tell me only the really good writers get to do straight baseball articles. ? For now though I will guide my fellow gamblers (skill based based of course) into the world of +EV. For any newbs that may be gracing these pages +EV simply means plus expected value. Basically you want all of your plays whether they be bets, draft picks in season long fantasy or what contests/players you should play in DFS to bring you the most bang for your buck. That’s put very simply but you just get the gist. Joining a $1000 head to head football contest hosted by Jonathan Bales would be an example of -EV.

New to FanDuel? Scared of feeling like a small fish in a big pond? Well, be sure to read our content and subscribe to the DFSBot for your daily baseball plays. Just remember to sign up through us before jumping into the fray. It’s how we know you care!

Please, blog, may I have some more?
 

This list is about being about a week ahead.

It’s about other things, too—like overall fantasy impact from current minor league baseball players—the key purpose is to shine a blinking light on the top names. By the time a player gets to the front of this line, you risk missing out on the early adopters discount if you don’t faab him during the next run. As you’ll see here, it’s mostly too late for the top names, but that’s the nature of week one in the prospect world. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?