My system overview would be incomplete if it failed to cite JKJ’s recent article from the pages of Razzball, Randy Arozarena & the Ex-Cardinals’ All-Star Team.

I’m not one for pouring salt into open wounds, but I think any sports fan can totally relate to the catharsis endemic to deconstructing the various rosters your team didn’t build, even as that team is relatively successful on the field. 

The redbirds’ minor league build is fine. It’ll probably land mid pack or better for the people who rank whole systems. That evaluation will be a bit inflated by Dylan Carlson’s last gasp of prospect eligibility and Norman Gorman’s residual shine from his early returns, but there’s also plenty of topside waiting in the lower minors and an outstanding 2020 draft class on the way. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?

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This is the third year I’m writing a Casey Mize rookie outlook post. Lowercase yay. Never the hoo:

Waste time with a Mizerpiece
Don’t waste time with a Mizerpiece
You should be rolling with me
You should be rolling with me, ah
You’re a real-life fantasy
You’re a real-life fantasy.

I have designated his stuff Cake by the Ocean. No one comes back from that with realistic expectations. Last person to even come close was a 1988 fantasy outlook post I did for Kevin Blankenship, who Baseball-Almanac ranks in the top 500 still living players who debuted in 1988. A worthy designation! Prior to going forward, let’s go back to what I’ve said previously, “Mize’s final Double-A numbers were 78 2/3 IP, 8.7 K/9, 2.1 BB/9, 2.98 FIP. Can’t lie, that injury worries me (he had shoulder inflammation in June of 2019), and I’m afraid of ghosts and that Mize might need some major surgery before resting for 18 months and then returning to being an ace. Specifics on his stuff:  double-plus splitter with a plus heater, slider, and control.” And that’s me quoting me! Then the Tigers promoted Casey Mize this year, because they’re wont to promote prospects super fast, which is awesome, and Mize was, well, less than awesome. His stats from this year: 0-3/6.99/1.48/26 in 28 1/3 IP. That gives me a big gulp, and not like the giant drink from 7-11 that you need two hands and both feet to hold. So, what can we expect from Casey Mize for 2021 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
 

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Find all of this week’s hilarious stories here:

Please, blog, may I have some more?
 

There’s literally thousands of rookies to talk about this offseason, which is why this series is going deeper than usual. Will go over sleepers next, that’s my promise to you, which I say as I announce my 2024 presidential campaign over Zoom while not wearing pants. If you want me to put on pants, you’re gonna have to hold these two boba drinks. I only have two hands and I’m typing with my nosse–Dah! Stupid nose! Type better! A brief peak behind the curtain, I ask Prospect Itch for 15 or so rookies to highlight in my 2021 fantasy baseball rookies series, and he gives me 30, ranked, then I usually take the top 15. Luis Patino is nowhere near his top 15. He was ranked 30th on his 2021 fantasy baseball prospects for redraft leagues. Previously, Itch labeled Patino as a guy he was targeting for 2020. He thought he was a sleeper going into last year. Wha’ happened? I say like I’m in A Mighty Wind. RIP Fred Williard. Prospect Itch used to love Patino. Did he move on? Has he soured? Is Patino a scratch Itch can’t reach? Have thee wrought a fire from the depths of Itch’s belly that can’t be quenched with Welch’s Grape? Does Itch not drink from the nectar of the Gods — Welch’s Grape? What is wrong with Welch’s Grape???!!!??? So, I asked Itch why he’s not as excited by Patino and he said, “There was more guys I liked better, but I’m still on the bandwagon.” Or bandwagino, so to speak. Or even bandwagiño. So, what can we expect from Luis Patino for 2021 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
 

A few days ago, the Pirates made Chris Archer walk the plank. 

They paid lip service to bringing him back at a reduced rate, but keeping him around seems like inviting an ill wind. Every time a Pittsburgh fan sees him in uniform, a painting in an attic somewhere writhes itself into unimaginably hideous shapes.

It’s time to sail on, is all I’m saying. Or just flip the painting so we never have to look at it again. 

The team did well in the draft this year and has honestly my favorite system of the nine I’ve covered so far. I say “honestly” not because I’m mostly lying in this space but to convey my mild surprise at the realization of that thought. I think there’s a strong case to roster sixteen of these young bucs, so I’ve adapted the list a little this week.

Please, blog, may I have some more?
 

These 2021 fantasy baseball rookies aren’t in order. My Randy Arozarena 2021 fantasy and Sixto Sanchez 2021 fantasy were 1A and 1B. But this one, I don’t know where it ranks. I just wanted to get out of the bubble, unmask the ‘stache and stretch my legs with a rookie who hasn’t debuted yet. No disrespect to Cristian Pache. You did get Ian Anderson. One love to Bryse Wilson. Sorry, no Kyle Wright because he exceeds rookie eligibility–Okay, are there any rookies that aren’t Braves? Any hoo! Jarred Kelenic, who sounds like a bottled cleanse, here’s your chance to shine (and get out what the fiber couldn’t)! First off, let’s look at what Prospect Itch said about Kelenic, “He’s drawn some Christian Yelich comps for his feel for the barrel and all around game (but mostly because he’s a lefty outfielder who can hit and run, and Yelich is elite now, and people love to comp prospects to stars who are so elite any kind of comp is immediately ludicrous). Regardless of what Kelenic becomes for the Mariners, he won’t be a Metropolitan, and that trade will go down in New York lore as an early and egregious oversight of the Brodie Van reign. Amazing move by Dipoto to identify the new guy at the table–the fish looking to make a splash–and immediately dump his worst contract (Robinson Cano) and sell high closer (Edwin Diaz) in exchange for Kelenic, Justin Dunn, Jay Bruce, Anthony Swarzak and Gerson Bautista, who might’ve been the low totem pole piece here but could still impact Seattle’s future, and I’d like to impact Grey’s head.” Okay, not cool. So, that was Seattle’s best to get Kelenic, which sounds like the beginning of a coffee enema commercial, and the Mets’ worst, but real world trades aside, what about Kelenic for 2021 fantasy baseball or, rather…So, what can we expect from Jarred Kelenic in 2021 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
 

I entered into the Google search box, “Who loves Ryan Mountcastle more than me?” and it returned 5,000,000+ results that all said, “No one.” So, that sorta answered that question, huh? Gonna take a nap. *shuts eyes for five seconds, claps hands* I’m back! What did I miss? Nothing? Okay, great. So, Ryan Mountcastle just missed losing rookie eligibility this year, according to me, maybe not in reality. Confused? Alanis screaming, “You oughta know!” But since you might not, check out my Sixto Sanchez 2021 fantasy. Clickbait? Only if you clicked it! This past year, Mountcastle, as played by David Tennant, looked like a professional hitter. Vomit. I know. It’s a terribly overused phrase. They’re all professional, so dur! Also, “terribly overused phrase” is a terribly overused phrase. But Mountcastle really lit the nethers on fire with his patience and line-driving producing stroke. Billy Squier calls that The Stroke, and I agree. No BS from BS. Now that Mountcastle was called up the Orioles — finally! — they have no excuse to not play him. Will they still find an excuse? *makes Michael Scott grimace face* I hope not, but they are a dumber bird franchise than Chick-Fil-A and not nearly as delicious. I, honestly, seriously, interjectionly, would be shocked if the O’s weren’t relabeled the Baltimore Baseball Club, shortened to BBC, and renewed Mountcastle for an early-April 2021 premiere. However, if there’s any way to manipulate service time by keeping him down until mid-April, the BBC will do it. So, what can we expect from Ryan Mountcastle for 2020 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
 

Although the season itself was a step in the wrong direction for Milwaukee, several key things went right in 2020. Jacob the Sheriff of Nottingham showed himself to be a capable catcher with enough stick to provide a capable option at the position. Devon Williams established himself as perhaps the game’s most dominant reliever. And Corbin Burnes stepped up to pair with Brandon Woodruff and form a strong one-two punch atop the rotation. These developments combined with a series of promising amateur acquisitions give the Brewers big boozy dreams for 2021 and beyond. 

Please, blog, may I have some more?
 

In my Jo Adell fantasy, I was worried about his strikeouts this year. His strikeouts were a poop emoji giving a speech about how it will never poop itself again knowing that it will never be able to keep that promise. My Dylan Carlson fantasy is not concerned with his less-than-ideal batting average or Ks from last year. Carlson had a 29.4% K% and hit .200 in 110 ABs, but that just doesn’t jive with anything in his minor league numbers. Back up the Hit Tool narrative or gee tee eff oh, you hear me, boy? And ‘boy’ I mean the narrative. Sorry to gender it, but when something’s being dumb, it’s prolly a male, let’s be honest. Unless it’s my wife, then–I kid! Hayzeus Cristo, you trying to get me divorced? What the hell, my dude? You trying to cuck me out of my Cougar?

So, Carlson’s strikeouts last year, just don’t extend any narrative I see from him, and instead feel like this year can be thrown out, and we can go back to his absolutely gorgeous previous year in the minors where he hit 26 homers, stole 20 bags and hit near .300 with a close to 21% strikeout rate, between Double and Triple-A. Also, his walk rate in the minors was solid, and it was not last year. Last year was two months and just needs to be ignored for Carlson. Cards’ season started and stopped more than your ’89 Corolla, then Carlson was sent down to the alternate training site randomly in the middle of the season, when he wasn’t hitting well through a whole 79 plate appearances. Only for him to return, and end the year hitting cleanup in the playoffs. Cards were either without a plan or unable to execute after they kept pulling short straws. If you wanna talk silly sample sizes, Carlson hit .318 with a homer in the final week, and was the Cards’ best hitter by the end of the year. So put that in your dumb narrative and read it to your children! Anyway, what can we expect from Dylan Carlson for 2021 fantasy baseball?

Please, blog, may I have some more?
 

Razzball Patreon members receive our weekly podcast where Grey cackles about the funniest news stories we’ve found over the past week, plus you get that warm fuzzy feeling of supporting your favorite fantasy sports site in all the land.

It’s your favorite hour of the week! I Can’t Believe It’s Not Not News is back again with all the Billy Hurley jokes and Grey Albright cackles you can handle. Off the top, Grey shares the story of how an @BillyHurls tweet about Everything Bagels almost broke up his marriage, then it devolves from there.

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Please, blog, may I have some more?