Chris Archer (6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.73) allowed four homers to the first five hitters he faced in the 2nd inning. The only way things could look worse for Chris Archer and, specifically the Pirates, is if Austin Meadows hit all four homers wearing different colored sombreros. “Hola! I am Austin Prairieritto!” “Hola! I am Tijuana Meadows!” “Hola! I am Roberto Hernandez!” “Hola! Imagine my exclamation marks are in the front of my sentences but upside down!” Okay, I’m Daffy like a duck talking about a Spanish Meadows when it was the Braves who mollywhopped Archer. A Spanish Robert Loggia, “Archer is a pitcher that don’t throw straight.” As I said yesterday, it’s not whether the record of four straight hitters with a home run is going to fall this year, it’s only how soon and with how many homers total. 8 straight hitters with a homer? 9? 12? Yesterday, Brian McCann (2-for-4, 4 RBIs) hit his 4th and 5th homer, going Yardo Montalban hitting them where da plane da plane goes. Josh Donaldson (1-for-4) hit his 9th homer, managing to control his Hulk-smash anger until the appropriate time — at the DMV. Nick Markakis (1-for-2, 2 runs) hit his 6th homer for his 2nd Sparkakis in two days, and Ozzie Albies (1-for-3, hitting .270) hit his 10th homer, 3rd in two games. ProContractsAreWhatWeKnow dot com said Albies earned $17.87 between homers. Albies looks like he’s come out of his May funk, but he still has no place to move up in the lineup. Well, maybe he can replace Austin Riley, whose average has dropped eighty points in a week. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Sean Newcomb – Appizzarently, the Braves read Razzball and took my suggestions, moving Gausman to the Ineffective List and Newcomb into the rotation for one start. Watch him throw a gem and then Keuchel replaces Foltysandwitz.
Mitch Keller – Will be called up to start on Wednesday. He gave up 6 ER in his major league debut in 4 IP last time out, and is firmly in the wait-and-see camp. At our wait-and-see camp, we take binoculars into the trees and watch our lives pass us by. Registration is only $1200 a month!
Khris Davis – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer, hitting .241. Am I the only one who thinks Davis hits homer as a way to get closer to .247?
Darwinzon Hernandez – 3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 5.06, as he was called up for a spot start. He’s the Red Sox #1 pitching prospect, but has been absolutely crushed in Double-A recently, but apparently it’s not survival of the fittest for Darwinzon. He’s the kind of pitching prospect right now who I’m more excited to watch vs. own. Reminds me a bit of a young Randy Johnson in that hitters are swinging and missing because they’re rightfully scared that Darwinzon has no clue where his 95 MPH fastball is going.
Hunter Pence – 1-for-2, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, 3 walks, and an inside-the-park home run (14) on a ball that was so badly misplayed Mookie Betts picked up the ball off the warning track after Pence jogged across home plate. Looked like some miscommunication, like when you go to the vet and they tell you, “Your dog’s eyes are clearly saying ‘feed me’ not ‘f*ck me.'”
Elieser Hernandez – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.87, as he was called up for a spot start. Usually it’s Elieser doolittle, but recently in the minors, under the coaching of Henry Higgins, Elieser’s looked much better. He’s all that? Not quite.
Jordan Yamamoto – Will be called up to make his major league debut as Jose Urena goes to the IL. Yamamoto claim to fame to this point is the name I screamed yesterday in the middle of the sentence, “Why are they bringing up Yamamoto and not Gallen?” Seems clearly to be a 40-man roster thing at this point on Gallen, as in I got 40 guys together who own Gallen and we all drank forties. Yamamoto had a 3.58 ERA in Double-A and his fastball sits in the high 80s, so I’m not touching him outside of NL-Only leagues, and there you touch anyone.
Dakota Hudson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.47. Every pitcher’s peripherals I look at that say they’re supposed to be bad are good and vice versa. It’s like we’re in a Black Mirror episode. Call it Striking FIPers.
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 18th homer, hitting .267. OZUNA carry load for a missing Carpenter. OZUNA couldn’t find tool belt so he carry around arcade belt to make change.
Yadier Molina – 2-for-5, 1 run, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Sorry, I disrupted the Harassment in the Workplace metting because I whistled at Nancy. That’s a compliment in many cultures.”
Patrick Corbin – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.11. I had Wheeler, Quintana, Paddack and Corbin going yesterday. *moves stage left* I will now be doing a live reading of The Bell Jar in my oven. I mean, what in the holy name of ishkabibble is going on with pitching? There’s five starters worth starting and everyone else makes me want to be the millennial Garbage Pail Kid, Zoë Loft.
Trea Turner – 0-for-3, 1 run and his 9th steal. He really did steal his 9th bag yesterday, unlike how I jumped the gun on him the day before. Maybe The Secret does work and I willed it into existence. Let’s see…I want a million bucks! *looks out the window and sees Ray Allen riding an elk* Am I in a Far Side cartoon now?
Eloy Jimenez – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. My boy, Eloy!
Welington Castillo – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. Where’s the boeuf? At the plate!
Dee Gordon – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I agree to no longer call the 3rd floor locker room, ‘Sandusky’s Office.'”
Mallex Smith – 2-for-4, 2 runs and hsi 17th steal, as he stayed in the leadoff spot even after Gordon’s return. *going onto eBay and bidding on a “Natch”*
Trevor May – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 1st save, ERA at 3.13. The Twins over here just shrugging through closers. Start calling Rocco Baldelli, Shrug Knight. Kidding aside, there was a point during this preseason when May looked like he might be the closer, and I grabbed him in a few leagues last night. It’s not like Parker or Rogers were running away with the job.
Max Muncy – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homers. He hit his 1st home run to Disneyland and told Goofy to fish it out of the fountain. So messed up!
Kenta Maeda – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.89. Maeda out here saying, “I’m gonna make it so no white people ever compare me to Ryu.”
Corey Seager – Left yesterday’s game with what looked like a hamstring injury that was sending him to the IL. The baseball universe is just not big enough for two Seagers. Luckily, Bob doesn’t play baseball.
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4 and a slam (7) and legs (1). Damn, Ohtani — Damntani? — got hot fast. He’s got more homers than Dahl in like 1/10th of the at-bats.
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. FTJ! Fun the jewels!
Ian Kinsler – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .209. Now he’s just trolling Urias’s owners.
Peter Lambert – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.50. See, it’s not impossible to pitch in Coors. I’m farting in your general direction, Marquez!
Yuli Gurriel – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (3). Also, in this game, Tyler White (1-for-3, 2 RBIs, hitting .223) hit his 2nd homer. This is one of those times when I think it’s accurate to say Yordan is elevating everyone’s game, because Yuli and White are both like, “Oh, crap, Yordan’s gonna steal our job if we don’t do something.”
Robinson Chirinos – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Uh-oh, Chirinos!
Christian Yelich – 3-for-5, 2 runs, and his 25th homer, hitting .346. Sometimes I have dreams I own Yelich and Bellinger on the same team and no pitchers.
Freddy Peralta – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.81. There’s a horse ghost somewhere neighing, “You can’t even make him glue.”
Trevor Bauer – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 3.71. His problem over the last month has been command. If you think five walks in less than eight innings is him conquering that issue, I have a seat at a bridge game in Boca Raton to sell you.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer. That’s his third homer in nine games, and has hit in nine of ten games and is batting .265 in the last week, and I should’ve stopped before that last tidbit. Overshared!
Ketel Marte – 3-for-5 and his 17th homer, hitting .280. Here’s Ketel over some cold hard facts: On the Player Rater, he’s a top 25 player. Not hitter, player. (Eduardo Escobar is near a top ten player — HA!)
Jon Duplantier – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.32. After the game, Duplantier said, “I say, I say, that wasn’t the best of starts. No siree. Jon Duplantier is just not happy with that.” Duplantier sounds like Foghorn Leghorn in my head.
Jerad Eickhoff – Moved to the bullpen where this Jer-khoff can pull his pud for rest of eternity.
Scott Kingery – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 3rd homer in two games and 18th time I’ve said you should own him in the last two weeks and 450th time I’ve mentioned him this week and oh em gee, what’s the hold up about?! Not you, I’m in a gas station being held up. In my wallet, I only have a Walgreen’s gift card, but you can have it.
Eric Sogard – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .280. This is a dopey thing to say but I’m dopey. Sogard has been better than Vlad Jr.
Trent Thornton – 5 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.78. Streamonator liked this start, which showed middling results, and is positive on his next one, which is in Houston, so I think the Streamonator has a crush on Trent. Maybe it’s his steely demeanor.
John Means – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.60. I continue to ignore Means, um, mean’s while, I keep throwing every garbage pitcher under the sun. I’ve looked up Means’s player page so many times, I enter “J” into Google and it says, “You don’t like John Means’s peripherals, forget him!”
Anthony Santander – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .389 since his call-up by the O’s. Santander is a 30 Grade speed and 30 Grade power guy, but he’s got a 30 Grade hit tool too, so he’s very consistent. Could be a hot schmotato though.
Jake Junis – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.35 vs. Spencer Turnbull – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.78. The Turnbull/Junis matchup was billed simply as “Tukis: Where the bull comes from.” Streamonator dislikes Junis and Turnbull nearly equal their next times out.
Nicholas Castellanos – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .262. I can’t believe a guy who actively hits the ball down is beating Dahl in homers.
Zack Wheeler – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.97. Wheeler keeps on rolling! Example: I lie on the pavement, and one of those giant wheelie trucks that presses down pavement rolls me over.
Jason Vargas – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.68. He’s averaged more than 7 IP in his last three starts with a 1.64 ERA, two of those games came against in Dodger Stadium and in the Bronx. Dating back to April 19th, Vargas has a 2.20 ERA in eight starts. Naturally!
James Paxton – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.04. Paxton owners? Are you listening? I don’t own him, but I understand your pain. My suggestion is don’t go back and look at Jason Vargas’s blurb ever again. It just hurts too much.
Gary Sanchez – 4-for-10, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer. He’s on pace for 50 homers and could pass his career high (33) before the All-Star Break. Speaking of which, the Home Run Derby seems like a redundant showcase. How about some outside the box ideas? Miggy vs. Pujols in a 50-yard dash…Aaron Judge and Franmil Reyes race to put on Altuve’s uniform…Jung Ho Kang executing a hit & run.
Gio Urshela – 3-for-8, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 5th homer. “Hello, March Grey, I am not a hologram, I am your future self, June Grey. Instead of drafting Trea Turner, draft Gio Urshela.” June Grey, “Can you please be quiet, I’m bingeing the first seven seasons of Game of Thrones in anticipation of the final season!”
Luke Voit – 2-for-8, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 16th homer. What a glorious day to see Voit and Pete Alonso (1-for-7, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer) on the same field. It’s like one of the great pairings. Like Captain & Tennille; Oprah & Gayle; Haniger & a jockstrap filled with ice.