One Lonnie, Two Lonnie, Three Lonnie Homers

Yesterday, Carlos Santana went 0-for-5 with 1 RBI.  He could’ve hit six homers yesterday and still only had one RBI, because the guy in front of him said to the media, “By the power vested in me in the state of Cleveland — is this a state? — I now pronounce myself Lonnie Gonnie.  I will now release an album that will be critically drubbed, but the masses will enjoy it called, ‘Lonnie Went Gonnie.’  Then the straight-to-DVD movies I star in will be reprisals of the Ernest movies, but with Lonnie in the title.  For example, ‘Lonnie Goes To Africa’ or ‘Lonnie Goes to Jail.’  Is there any questions for Lonnie Gonnie?  No?  Good, because I got homers to hit and ribbies to eat and average to drive up the wazoo like I’m a wazoo driving machine.”  Yesterday, Lonnie Chisenhall went H.A.M then damn, then come again, ma’am.  Three homers (5, 6, 7), nine RBIs, and raised his average up to .385 while going 5-for-5.  That’s a career .265 hitter.  Zoinks!  He’s probably going to remember who he really is at some point soon, but ride the lightning while Lonnie’s rocking out.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Michael Brantley – 3-for-3, 5 runs, 1 RBI and his 10th homer.  “Just stand in front of Lonnie and watch it gonnie.”  That was Michael Brantley talking into his armpit so the Rangers wouldn’t hear.

Yan Gomes – Didn’t play as the Indians scored 17 runs.  Holy sit!

Michael Choice – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer.  I batty called that Choice prime rib hunka hunka burning bam bam.  Sorry, I’m on a Lonnie Gonnie adrenaline rush still.

Derek Holland – Not ready for a rehab assignment.  Not all of us are, you have to first realize there’s a power greater than yourself.  I call that power the Fantasy Baseball Overlord.

Gregory Polanco – With Neil Walker going on the DL with an appendectomy, Josh Harrison will move to 2nd base and the Pirates are calling up Polanco.  All hail the maybe-will-be-great one!  A few weeks ago, I gave you my Gregory Polanco fantasy.  Prescient ain’t just a word you need Dictionary.com to define!  In that post, I said, “The Sexy Dish That Ate Pittsburgh…I’m wearing only my boxers and just ate a can of beans…which has me excited…like…the immortal words of John Popper.”  Hmm, I gotta work on what quotes I pull.  In Triple-A this year, Polanco hit seven homers and stole 15 bases while slashing .347/.405/.540.  They say the Japanese leagues are like Triple-A, so watch out Tanaka!  To give you a real world comparison, Irene from The Real World:  Seattle.  To give you a baseball real world comparison, what we got last year from Marte, but with a better average.  He should be owned in all leagues.  To put your shizz in perspective, he could be great, but check Oscar Taveras’s numbers so far.  He will be great too, but he’s not yet because things don’t always work that way.  Sorry, I had this wet blanket and didn’t know what to do with it.

Charlie Morton – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Sonava-didn’t-have-the-balls-to-start!  I was thisclose to streaming him because the Stream-o-Nator really liked yesterday’s start.  I’m gonna go have a nurse ask me to cough to make sure my kumquats are working.

Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer.  The Dread Pirate is more or less on the same pace as his MVP-winning season last year, so why is it so boring to own him?  Not to answer, but to ponder.

Starling Marte – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th steal, hitting .240 on the year.  I wonder if Starlin Castro says to Starling Marte, “Whaddup, G?”  Any the hoo!  The crazy thing (not that crazy), Marte really isn’t having that bad of a season from a fantasy perspective if he were to just play.  A ten+ homer, 40-steal season would be fine.  I do think he might be the odd man out when Walker returns.

Josh Harrison – 0-for-4, hitting .289 with four homers (same as Marte) with two steals.  Seriously, how long until Harrison is hitting around .240 like Marte?  It’s not like Harrison’s great.  When did Harrison become the Pirates darling with them wanting to say ‘fly, fly away’ Starling?  I’m a poet and aware of it.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .276.  I said in March I’d eat my hat if he had more fantasy value than Segura, and right now they are locked with nearly identical value on our Player Rater.  It’s a good thing I got one of those new hats from Taco Bell made of Doritos.

Grant Balfour – Joe Maddon said early yesterday that “even if I was going to change anything (at closer), I wouldn’t tell (the media) anyhow.”  Then gave Grant The-Opposition-Four the dreaded vote of confidence.  So, of course, within an hour, he replaced Balfour with a committee.  Balfour thinks he upset the Baseball Gods, so Maddon brought in a Seminole Elder to change the Rays fortune (seriously).  The Tribal Elder once brought rain to Tampa during a drought and Maddon said he’d be impressed if it rains in the Trop (you can’t make up this stuff, and I try).  The Rays Tribal Elder also was once responsible for a double rainbow.  To think Showtime followed the Marlins around with reality cameras.  Where’s Spike TV?  Joe Maddon and the Rays need to do a spinoff during the offseason, The Real House Husbands of Tampa.  I’d grab Joel Peralta, Jake McGee, and the pitcher formerly known as Leo Nunez, Juan Carlos Oviedo, in that order, but it could go a lot of different ways depending on what Chief Sitting On Fastball says.

David Price – 8 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA down to 3.97.  Time to take the “I said not to draft him” blinders off, and really look at his numbers.  Are you ready?  I can’t hear nodding.  I also can’t hear you.  We’re not in the same room.  Price’s K-rate is 10+ and his walk rate is under one.  Humma-humma-what?  That’s insane.  Imma let myself finish, but that’s terrific.  That’s Cliff Lee at the height of his powers good.  His xFIP is 2.67, and his BABIP is screaming unlucky, and his homers per fly ball is ugly.  The chia seeds I’ve been eating for my brain say it’s not all lavender-scented peaches.  His velocity is down yet again from last year, when it was down from the previous year.  Last ace to go this route was Lincecum, but Lincecum is slight like a lady and his velocity is way below that of Price’s, so shizz isn’t dire.  Price should be better than his 3.97 ERA, but how much?  I could see a scenario where he has a 1-something ERA for six weeks, I could also see him going to the Astros next time out and striking out 12 and giving up three long balls.  Definitely worth a chance in a trade if you need to take some risk, but I wouldn’t say Price absolutely rattles off 3 straight solid months.

James Jones – 3-for-4, 1 run and his 7th steal, hitting over .300 in the last week (most of it coming in the last two games — five for last nine).  He’s primarily SAGNOF, but we all have our roles.  Billy Butler just has a few more than some.

Stephen Drew – Sat out yesterday with oblique tightness.  He’s hoping to avoid the DL, and get back in the lineup.  Hopefully since he’s missed three games in the last week, and it’s gonna be hard for him to get his timing back using Napoli’s farts as a metronome.

Clay Buchholz – Will make a rehab start on Friday.  Rain or shine, he’ll be using some of that suntan lotion he packed.

Jake Peavy – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA sits at 4.76.  It’s sitting on a toilet to be specific.

Tommy Hunter – 1 IP, 0 ER as he pitched the ninth in a four-run game.  Showalter’s so cute how he wants to be perceived as daft.  I don’t think Hunter’s the closer again, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Showalter tries to get the ball back to him in the ninth in save situations in the landmark case of sooner vs. later.

Bud Norris – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Red Sox.  Fun fact!  Chuck Norris sued a Colorado weed dispensary for using his likeness on their hydroponic marijuana called Bud Norris.  As for this Bud Norris, it was a nice start, but he’s not worth messing with in most leagues.

Adam Jones – 3-for-4 and his 10th homer.  I love when my players get hot.  Take the Michael Rapaport speech about beautiful girls in Beautiful Girls and replace girls with fantasy players.  And replace Rosie O’Donnell with anyone.

Nick Markakis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  In March, if I had told you Markakis would have three times as many homers as Cano in June, how many homers would you think Markakis had?  30 homers?  Or 3 homers and Cano has been hurt for 2 months?

Colby Rasmus – Nearing his rehab assignment.  Wasn’t he nearing it last week.  Maybe somebody should get on the horn with Rasmus and make sure he’s not lost.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 20th homer.  I feel like I just cracked The Da Vinci Code!  Encarnacion is Spanish for reincarnation and Edwin is an anagram for widen and what did Babe Ruth drink prior to every game?   Whiskey out of his manager’s wooden leg that he used to famously say, “We need to WIDEN it!”  Can’t believe I didn’t piece together those connections sooner.

Danny Santana – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer as he bats .364.  I watched the Twins broadcast yesterday because it was a short schedule day and I felt like torturing myself.  Any the hoo!  The Twins broadcasters were talking about Kendrys’s signing and this makes them a contender in the AL Central.  They were saying this while Ricky Nolasco was pitching for them.  I cannot tell you if their fingers were crossed.  Oh, and Danny Santana is crazy hot and should be owned everywhere.

Kurt Suzuki – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and hitting .307 while Joe Mauer went 0-for-4 and hits .259.  So, the real question is will Rotoworld put Suzuki in the first round and Mauer in the 2nd next year?

Michael Cuddyer – Hit the DL with can’tstayhealthyitis (sp?).

Eddie Butler – Hit the DL with rotator cuff inflammation.  I feel his pain; I once got ankle inflammation when I cuffed my Z. Cavariccis too tight.

Carlos Gonzalez – Will undergo exploratory surgery on his finger.  Cool, I wonder if they’re going to shrink Dennis Quaid for the operation.  How long will the exploration of CarGo’s finger last?  I ‘explored’ the Alamo for fifteen minutes and saw the whole thing.  After the surgeon’s done exploring his finger, will he leave a toothpick with a little US flag on it so no other explorers can claim it?  I got questions, y’all!

Corey Dickerson – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer.  I hear from the Rockies that Dickerson will continue to fill in for CarGo in left field while he’s out, which leaves me wondering:  is that who they think has been starting for CarGo while CarGo’s been sidelined?  Cause I’d love if that were true.

Gavin Floyd – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks in Coors.  He better not be baiting me into feeling confident about starting Teheran in Coors tomorrow.

George Springer – Scratched with a sore knee.  He said he should be able to return today or tomorrow.  The Astros organization is debating whether to have the team play without him.

Dexter Fowler – 3-for-5, 2 runs as he continues his hot hitting.  *blank stare*  That’s your cue.  *blank stare* To pick him up.  *blank stare* Oh, forget it.

Jarred Cosart – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. Josh Collmenter (7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks).  This was a battle between two guys that seem appealing until they are on your fantasy team.

Garrett Richards – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks with a 3.04 ERA vs. Jesse Chavez (6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks) with a 3.09 ERA.  This was a battle against guys you probably have owned multiple times on your fantasy team.  Chavez has struggled to go deep into games, but him and Richards are nearly identical.  I like Richards a hair more, which could help you eliminate that comb over.

Tyler Skaggs – Headed to the DL with a hamstring injury.  Hector Santiago will take his place in the rotation and get the A’s, so you could say Santiago is going to have the A’s handed to him.

Trevor Cahill – Designated for assignment by the Diamondbacks even though he has a 3.04 ERA and 27 Ks in the last 23 2/3 IP in the bullpen.  When Kevin Towers can’t trade a piece for fifty cents on the dollar, he just cuts!  Cahill says he’s going to go to the minor leagues and accept his assignment, though if he refused he would’ve still received the remaining $16.9 million on his contract.  I wonder if Cahill is fully aware of his options.

Eric Chavez – Headed to the DL with a left knee injury.  He’s had the injury all year, but it was only recently the Diamondbacks decided to give up on this season.

Denard Span – 3-for-5, 2 runs.  People keep asking me if I’m a Smurf because I’ve talked about Denard Span so much I’ve turned blue in the face.

Ryan Vogelsong – 6 IP, 6 ER, raising his ERA to 3.84.  Sad Vogelsongs (say so much).  So, drop him now, drop him now, when all hope is gone, Vogelsongs say so much.  The preceding was written at my rhinestone piano.

Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer.  The Grande Dolor!  Meanwhile, Frank Thomas hashtags a middle finger.

Ronald Belisario – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 6th save.  I’ll take saves any way I can get them, but, man, Belisario really pushes that to the limit.

Gordon Beckham – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .298 with twice as many homers as Robinson Cano.  Sigh.

Rick Porcello – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 4.04.  Hey, I liked him in the preseason too.  I also got over that lust.

Victor Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer.  The Zombino Rises Again:  Hide All Your Baby Custard Brains by Troma.

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer in the past three games.  Oh.  Huh?  Did Eugenio Velez change his name?  Suarez had a high of nine homers in Double-A, where he also had a .253 average.  .253 in Double-A comes out to about .119 in the majors.  He could be a real short-term schmotato though if you’re struggling at MI in deep leagues.

Tony Cingrani – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER.  I wish he’d go to the bullpen already so I wouldn’t feel as bad about dropping him in deep leagues.  Least you could do, Cingrani, is absolve me of my feelings!

A.J. Ellis – Hopes to return this week.  I’ll be sure to trigger my ceiling balloons.

Scott Van Slyke – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and two homers (5, 6).  Afterwards he called his dad to tell him about his big game, and his dad asked how was his fielding.

Carl Crawford – Doesn’t have full strength in his ankle.  You know what this means?  This is a great time to challenge him to a game of roshambo.