So all the exciting Winter Meetings deals are gonna come on the last day? ¬†It’s like Frank and Zach from MTV’s Challenge have taken over the Winter Meetings and ruined them too. ¬†Give me back Evan and Kenny and CT! ¬†In the words of T.J. Lavin, they killed it! ¬†Sorry, I didn’t have any balloons set up to fall when Sean Burnett signed a deal. ¬†Maybe Greinke will finally sign somewhere today, or, dare to dream, Josh Hamilton. ¬†So far the Winter Meetings have given a run to your co-worker’s PowerPoint presentations on the Yawn-o-Meter. ¬†The biggest value change for fantasy thus far would have to go to Dan Haren. ¬†A guy who’s got a bad hip (or is it back?). ¬†He signed with the Nats. ¬†Solid deal for them. ¬†If Haren does nothing, whatever. ¬†They have plenty of pitching in place. ¬†If he does something, then score, or, ya know, no score vs. him. ¬†It’s the equivalent to a late-round gamble in fantasy, which appropriately enough is what Haren is. ¬†If he’s drafted prior to that, then people are looking at his name-value more than reality. ¬†I don’t trust him at all to stay healthy. ¬†One trade to the Cubs already fell through, due to his hip (back?; I don’t know — he’s injured in some way.) ¬†Sure, he’s only missed three starts in nine years, but presumably¬†his health caused his fastball to bottom out at 88 MPH last year, and the hip (back, whatever) injury sounds like it’s still an issue. ¬†I can almost guarantee someone will draft him before I do. ¬†I’m guessing at best he misses at least a month of the season, and at worst he gets shut down for a few months. ¬†I’ll put his 2013 line at 7-6/3.95/1.27/120 in 150 innings. ¬†I’m sure there will be points during the season he is usable, and I will quote that line verbatim the day after he pitches a gem. ¬†And that’s me quoting future me! ¬†Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2013 fantasy baseball:
Wilton Lopez – He was briefly traded to the Phils, but there was a problem with his elbow so the trade was rescinded. ¬†The Rockies who gave up on having viable arms about three years ago said what the eff and grabbed Lopez. ¬†The Astros still don’t have a closer, but they also don’t have an outfield, infield or pitching staff, so first things first, ya know?
Alex White – Went to Houston for Wilton. ¬†So, the Rockies traded a young arm for a totally replaceable reliever? ¬†Maybe the Astros pulled my Cougar Lifetime trick. ¬†The basics of it are, I turn all the clocks ahead an hour, then when my Cougar wants to watch Lifetime, I’m like, “That Meredith Baxter-Birney movie started at eight. ¬†You missed the first hour.” ¬†Before the Cougar can put two and two together, the movie’s over and I don’t have to watch a movie about adoption. ¬†Only instead of an hour, the Astros turned the Rockies’ clocks to July 31st and congratulated the Rockies heartily about being in first. ¬†Otherwise, I don’t understand this trade for the Rockies. ¬†White isn’t anything spectacular for fantasy as of right now, but he keeps the ball down and I wouldn’t be surprised if he has matchups appeal at some point in the season.
Marco Scutaro – Giants re-signed the 37-year-old to a three-year deal. ¬†Prior to this year, Marco’s claim to fame was bringing pasta to the Giants clubhouse back from San Fran’s Chinatown. ¬†Now coming off his terrific postseason (and 2nd half, in general), Scutaro’s someone to keep a close eye on in fantasy. ¬†Sorry, I meant a closed eye. ¬†Even in a 2nd half where he hit .339, he still only had 3 homers and 2 steals in 295 ABs. ¬†I’d let someone else call out his name at your draft and find Marco from your fantasy pool of players.
Jeff Keppinger – Signed with the White Sox. ¬†At 3rd base, the White Sox had Morel, who seemed like a fun guy, but turned out to be poisonous to success. ¬†Keppinger will be a good pick up for one fantasy week this upcoming year. ¬†No one knows which week, except our Mayan overlord. ¬†Good luck getting him to talk!
Yunel Escobar – Traded to the Rays. ¬†When I went over the Reyes trade, I went over Escobar’s fantasy value. ¬†Well, I didn’t actually say much there about Yunel, because there’s not much to say. ¬†He’s a 10-homer, very little speed MI. ¬†Like RuPaul, Yunel’s more known for his antics and makeup choices.
Jason Bay – Signs with the Mariners. ¬†Ah, the ol’ “You should’ve just retired” signing. ¬†Chone Figgins is looking for one of these.
Nate McLouth – Signed with the O’s. ¬†McLouth is half of a blahtoon in left field for the O’s and isn’t worth much in fantasy outside of deep leagues where you can juggle your lineup on the daily. ¬†Can you feel the excitement?!
Eric Chavez – D’Backs signed him to platoon with Chris Johnson. ¬†That’s the Chris Johnson who doesn’t need a platoon partner. ¬†Yay. ¬†Like your best friend’s girlfriend who insists on telling every girl you meet that your nickname was “Scooter” in high school, Chavez is now a total Johnson block. ¬†The only good news here is Chavez probably won’t be healthy for more than 50 games.
Joe Blanton – “There’s only one way Joe Blanton’s signing will get any attention. ¬†We have to make sure no other significant signings happen.” ¬†That’s the Winter Meetings conspiring early on Monday. Blanton signed with the Angels. ¬†MLB.com reported that the Angels bringing in Blanton doesn’t mean they’re off the market for pitching. ¬†No kidding. ¬†They need someone to fill-in for Blanton when he has a 5-something ERA in June.
Shane Victorino – Reached a deal with the Red Sox, so they didn’t have to go to battle with Daniel Nava in right field. ¬†You know what they call Daniel’s sister? ¬†Nava-ho. ¬†Hey, blame her promiscuousness. ¬†Great landing spot for Victorino’s fantasy value. ¬†In 18 plate appearances in Fenway, he has a .143 average, but that’s the small sample size talking, as I said in my college production of the¬†Puppetry of the Penis. ¬†I could see Victorino slapping balls against the wall all day long, as I said in the same production. ¬†With Fenway boosting his BABIP and him returning to his pre-Dodger Stadium power, he could be good for a return to 15/30/.270. ¬†For 2013, I’ll give him the line of 92/14/66/.272/29. ¬†Me likey.
Andrew Cashner¬†– Out three months with a thumb injury he suffered while hunting. ¬†My guess is Ted Nugent is feeling very conflicted about his keeper team. ¬†On the bright side, Cashner got his three month DL stint out of the way in December. ¬†Unfortunately, knowing him, he still has a five-month DL stint up his sleeve. ¬†Or at the bottom of his sleeve, as the case may be.