Myers Wrist Fractures Under The Stress Of Sucking

Wil Myers was diagnosed with a stress fracture in his hand.  Experts are saying, “Guess you shouldn’t have drafted him!”  Those are experts in schadenfreude.  Other experts are saying he should’ve been wearing iron gloves called járngreipr.  But those experts are in Norse mythology.  Then there’s experts that say when he was injured he should’ve been going for a Chocolate Silk Pie Blizzard, but those are experts in Dairy Queen.  Are there any experts on injuries that weighed in?!  Oh, here’s one that says he’ll have his cast removed in about 6 weeks and could return in August.  Ugh.  I think I need a Blizzard.  In shallower leagues where DL spots are already filled, I could see dropping him.  In one 15-team league, I’m holding him, but Taijuan Walker is about to come off the DL, so I have room.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Henderson Alvarez – 9 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the dissa-Rays.  Alvarez has been pitching well, and I’ve gone over him before, but no matter who Joe Maddon puts in the three-hole, and he has put everyone, it’s just not working.  Yesterday, DeJesus got to hit third, which would only be good if this were a CYO league.

Chris Archer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.73.  Pitching even better than that 3.73 ERA (okay, not much better).  He has been a bit wild in his control, which could return a few 5 IP, 4 ER-type starts, but he’s definitely worth owning in almost all leagues.

Evan Gattis – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer.  I guarantee anyone that has ever asked me if they should pick up Gattis has never seen him hit.  The ball jumps off his bat like he’s a 30-homer hitter.  Fo’serious.

B.J. Upton – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam & legs.  Damn, B.J., and treating for dinner?!

Tommy La Stella – 2-for-4, hitting .421 since his call up.  I saw his first hit and it was solid, then rolled between fielders and he nearly got thrown out trying to stretch it to third.  To paraphrase John Legend, “La Stella runs like he’s underwater and his hitting is fine.”  He also doesn’t have much pop.  With that said (here comes the reversal!), I’d grab a hot schmotato.

Michael Saunders – 2-for-5.  Now hitting near-.350 in the last week with two homers.  Saunders is like a poor man’s Michael Brantley.  I will call him Trader-Joe’s-GMO-Brantley.

Brad Miller – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI.  Now hitting almost — ALMOST — .300 in the last week with a homer and speed.  I’m not dialing Cooperstown yet, but it’s something.

Alex Gordon – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd in as many games and is now the Royals season leader.  Definitely paid for the Royals to invite all those old time Royal greats to the game like Steve Balboni, John Mayberry, Mike Sweeney, Danny Tartabull, Bo Jackson and Amos Otis.  Not to school the hitters, but to sit behind home and blow out hot air.

James Shields – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  The Fantasy Baseball Overlord tied Wil Myers and Shields’s fates together for all of eternity or as FBO said, “Until I get off the pot.”

Kolten Wong – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer.  Here’s a pregunta for y’all.  Wong or La Stella?  Wong and it’s not close.  In related news, I once knew this girl Stella who liked La Wong.

Jaime Garcia – 5 IP, 6 ER.  I hope you heeded my warnings about getting too attached to Garcia.  Next step will be hearing today that his shoulder is hurt.  I’m not even joking.

Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 6 ER vs. the Twins.  Ah, all is right with the world.  Cougs pass me a daiquiri!  No, I don’t want to watch Dear Zachary.  Why would I say that?  That shizz is depressing.

Josh Willingham – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  Know what’s good with a Willingham?  A hot schmotato.

Brian Dozier – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer.  So, someone didn’t like me ragging on his recent Tokyo Drift.

Gerrit Cole – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Padres.  And with that I traded Cole off my team.  Actually, I made the trade before this start.  This start (stutterer!) had nothing to do with my trade.  I sent Jay(Wrong) Cole, Elvis Andrus, Rafael Soriano and Dallas Keuchel for…drum roll please!…Where the hell is the guy that does the drum roll? I got Tulowitzki.  As Rudy said, you sent him four quarters for a dollar.  With so many moving pieces, it could go either way, especially if Tulo, well, you know, I won’t ever mention it again.  All I’ll say is I’m getting him a Hamstrong bracelet!

Jesse Hahn – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  Padres spot starter that replaced Donn Roach.  Kinda like how Jessica Hahn replaced Donna Rice as 80’s scandal bait.

Eddie Butler – The Rockies are calling him up to take Franklin Morales’s rotation spot.  Here’s what Prospect Scott said about him, “Butler busted out in grand fashion in 2013, posting a 1.80 ERA, a 0.99 WHIP, and a K/9 at 8.6 through 28 starts across 3 levels (A-, A+, AA).  His repertoire is very similar to (Jon) Gray’s, featuring a power heater, a plus slider, and an outstanding changeup.  The 22-year-old shouldn’t need much more time in the minors, and he’s a prime candidate for an early summer call-up.  Michael Wacha has taught us not to sleep on anyone tossing a filthy change.  Also, you shouldn’t sleep on Grey who is just filthy.  Shower, man!”  Hmm, didn’t remember that last part.  I like Eddie Butler because of his styling Ford Expedition!  *intern whispering in my ear*  That’s Eddie Bauer I’m told.  I grabbed Butler in one league, just to try out a little rookie nookie, but obviously everything great can disappear in a flash in Coors.

Carlos Gonzalez – Day-to-Dayzalez is… Guess!   How did you know?  He left yesterday’s game after he re-aggravated his finger injury and could be headed to the DL.  Shocking.  I know.

Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer.  Save some for me!

Cliff Pennington – Hit the DL with a sprained thumb ligament.  Pennington sprained it putting on his Izod shirt.  The Gregorius D.I.D. was recalled.  And if you don’t know, now you know.

Chase Anderson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks.  You know when I say I wouldn’t pick up a player it doesn’t mean in all leagues.  In very deep leagues all players are ownable.  Any the hoo!  I wouldn’t own Anderson.  JB also gave you his Chase Anderson fantasy.

Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer.  The Grande Dolor!  You know one person’s fantasy team that is doing really well?  Fidel Castro.  You know he probably comments on Razzball too.  Never able to keep just one catcher, are you, Fidel?

Zack Wheeler – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Member how we liked him back in March?  Well, he’s now thrown three straight Quality Starts with more Ks than innings.  Pick him back up now!

Jose Veras – Designated for assignment.  His assignment is, according to the Cubs, “Remind us again why we signed you.”

Welington Castillo – To the DL with a rib cage injury.  John Baker will take over the full-time catcher job and Eli Whiteside will be his backup.  Eli Whiteside was also the man that supplied Hyman Roth with a gun in prison that was wrapped inside a pound of lox.  Sorry, I’m just a bit of a history buff.

Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4. 1 RBI as he was activated from the DL and played left field.  Kevin in ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department was out sick yesterday and his understudy, Billy, said, “I can’t handle this pressure, I’m out of here.”

Anthony Rendon – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week and that was his 2nd homer in the last three games.  I wonder if February Grey has some kind of rare form of dyslexia that changes the names Anthony and Rendon to Brad and Miller.

Ian Desmond – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer, hitting .228 on the year.  Looked like all the strides he made to decrease his K-rate and raise his average in the last few years went bye-bye in April, but he was back around his career norms in May.  No accounting for his luck, but he should start to hit for a better average.

Denard Span – 3-for-5, 3 runs, raising his average to .281.  Even more awesome, before the game he said he’s not worried about Zimmerman in left field because he’s played with some ‘bad outfielders before.’  One guy kept trying to run through the outfield fence.

Jordan Zimmermann – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.59.  Prior to this game, his ERA was 4.07, and now JZ has brought himself back from Reasonable Doubt.  Surfboard!

Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA is now down to 2.15.  I wonder if a guy who is dating a girl named Anibal can say her name during sex and not think of Sanchez.  Deep Thoughts with Grey Albright.

Joe Nathan – 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Granted, this was a Kazaam! with three of the runs coming off a home run that was given up by Santa K, but SAGNOF or not you should own Joba Chamberlain.  It just made me giggle thinking about the people who just found the site today and are like, “SAGNOF, Kazaam! and Santa K?  I’m going back to a site where it tells me I have to get a healthy Ryan Zimmerman into my lineup.”

Drew Hutchison – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.50.  Immediately went to look at Stream-o-Nator for his next start, then forgot what it said, so I guess I looked at amnesiately.  It’s the Cardinals and it’s lukewarmish on it, which I understand but he has pitched admirably well for a 4th fantasy starter.

Brandon Belt – On Friday, he’ll have his thumb cast removed.  He said he’s going to decorate the thumb cast and use it to simulate the Leaning Tower of Pisa for his ant farm.  Cool story, bro.

Tim Lincecum – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER in Cincy.  Hopefully you saw Lincecum and it inspired you to puff puff pass.

Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I watched his entire start (I figured it’s the least I could do since I told everyone to buy him).  He looked totally fine.  Neither here nor there really.  The Hunter Pence homer (who went 3-for-4) was a ball that Pence gangly-fied, and then Bailey gave up a cheap run on a sac fly that could’ve easily been out at the plate.  I still believe the corner has been turned.

Devin Mesoraco – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer.  Can’t wait to see where Rotoworld ranks him next year?  Trout or Mesoraco?  Tough call!

Jay Bruce – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a steal, which is just one good game amongst garbage, but as we all know Bruce is the kind to turn a two-hit game into a forty-game hit streak with 54 homers and sixteen ladies impregnated by looking at him.  Maybe that last part is Bruce Springsteen in Jersey.

Billy Hamilton – 2-for-5, 2 runs and two steals.  Billy Red Legs will pass Dee Gordon for the major league steal lead by…June 15th?  Sooner?

Johan Santana – Orioles announced he’d be ready to join the rotation on June 19th and at that point they will go to a six man rotation.  I have him stashed (I think; I drafted him a long time ago) in one very deep AL-Only league.  That is about the only place I’d consider him until he goes JoH.A.M. in at least two starts in a row.

Tommy Hunter – Threw 25 pitches yesterday.  Notice no one said they were good pitches.

Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer.  Obviously his finger is still bothering him since he didn’t hit three homers.  Last year it was Chris Davis; this year Nelson Cruz.  Next year it’s your turn Markakis!

Adam Jones – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI.  Since I feel like Adam Jones this year has been similar to Torii Hunter, which makes me want to cry, I sure hope this is the start of something.

Jurickson Profar – Won’t play this year.  Maybe him and Prince Fielder can now finally get around to honing their urban Laurel & Hardy act.

Adrian Beltre – 3-for-4 and his 6th homer.  The Orioles vs. Rangers game yesterday was obviously a panacea for fantasy baseballers everywhere who thought they weren’t getting enough from their early round picks.  Though I originally wrote it was an anathema, but that’s not any kind of omen, I’m just ignorant.

Robinson Chirinos – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer.  “You know I can shorten that name to Chiri.”  That was Carlos Beltran.

Mark Teixeira – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer.  And I picked him up.  What?  He got one of those magical cortisone shots.  Quote-unquote steroids.  Ugh, so I picked him up.  Don’t look at me, I’m ugly!

Josh Reddick – Hit the DL with a hyperextended knee.  Word on the street is his hyperextended beard is just fine.

Scott Kazmir – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, his ERA is now sitting at 2.40.  Ah, Billy Butler remembers his 240 era.  In high school.

Brandon Moss – 2-for-4 and his 14th and 15th homer.  I wish I owned him, not in the biblical way, unless that will get him on my team.  I’m a floozy!

Mike Trout – Left yesterday’s game after aggravating his back.  He said, “I wish you were my front!” and his back got all aggro.  I’m paraphrasing.

C.J. Wilson – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER.  Must’ve been the shampoo.

Josh Hamilton – 1-for-3 and a home run in his first game back.  The shampoo does work for hitters.  Only explanation.

Jon Singleton – 1-for-3, 2 RBI and a home run.  He will forever be known as Gone Homerton!

Chris Carter – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer.  Gone Homerton and Hurry K’d Carter both K’d twice and homered.  They’re like Russian Nesting Dolls that look like Ryan Howard.

Collin McHugh – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.52.  As you think about whether or not you should own him.  You’re losing your league.  Yes, you are.  I’m sorry, sometimes you need tough love.  Now come here and tell me how school was today.  Don’t touch me!

Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer and 2nd game in a row with homer.  This homer came off T.J House, which gave a Fox exec an idea for a T.J. Hooker remake with Hugh Laurie and a CGI’d Humphrey Bogart.

Lonnie Chisenhall – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .364 on the year.  Lonnie gonnie and made himself a decent average hitter this offseason?  To answer my question with another question, what do you think?  His BABIP is .417 which would be a world record if Guinness gave a f*ck about BABIP.

Jason Kipnis – 2-for-4 and his 6th steal.  He’s on my short list for a buy low for this Friday, but he might raise his value by then, so act like you know, MC Lyte.  (And I know I told you avoid him in the preseason and that was obviously the right move, but that doesn’t mean you can’t buy someone low.)

Carlos Santana – Hoping to return “this Friday.”  That’s not the one with Mike Epps, right?