Have to go through a lot other ‘perts’ turd nuggets to find some kernels of truth, right?¬† So I took a looksie at ESPN’s mock draft.¬† These guys (and maybe girls, cause I don’t even recognize some names — Becquey?¬† Is that the phonetic pronunciation of the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway’s abbreviation, BQE?¬† No idea.) make their living by doling out fantasy baseball advice, but, as Tim Gunn would say, the problem is they’ve been in the monkey house too long.¬† Here’s Gunn’s explanation, “When you first walk into the monkey house at the zoo, what do you do?¬† You cover your nose and think, “This place stinks!” After some time, you’ve adjusted a bit, “Well, I guess this isn’t so bad.”¬† Then later, you don’t even notice the smell.”¬† ESPN builds a bunker, doles out advice but has no idea what the stench is like.¬† To get poetic on you, they think their feces smells like Reese’s Pieces.
In that mock, they drafted Ian Stewart 163rd overall.¬† Wow, Stewart has an ADP of 120 at Mock Draft Central so that’s awesome value!¬† The only hitch is, there’s no way anyone’s getting Stewart that late in a draft if they draft with anyone but those ESPN readers who are also in the monkey house.¬† The monkeys at ESPN don’t even mention Stewart was good value at 163.¬† You know why?¬† Because they have no idea.¬† They don’t look at anything besides what’s written at ESPN.¬† It’s like Hurley from Lost doling out fantasy advice.¬† Jack’s doing surgery, Locke’s seeing shizz and The BQE is taking Ian Stewart 163rd overall.¬† Honestly, I’m not even sure if they have an internet connection in Bristol.¬† So this look at the monkeys’ mock draft may be constructive for those of you who are playing against other monkeys, but, in reality, we’re just mocking them.¬† Anyway, here’s some head scratchers from ESPN’s 2010 fantasy baseball mock draft:
Carl Crawford – 7th overall. Ha!¬† Seriously, I don’t even know what to say about this.¬† Michael Bourn is that different at around pick 100?¬† The saving grace to this pick is that it was made by Nate Ravitz, who, I believe, is the neighbor in Bewitched.¬† Could be wrong.
Joe Mauer – 14th overall.¬† Bewitched neighbor grabbed him too.¬† So with Mauer and Crawford he’s looking at about 35 homers combined for his first two picks.¬† Guess he’s punting power.¬† Yeah, he just lost.¬† Thanks for playing.
Ryan Howard – 18th overall.¬† This is the last player I’m looking at that was taken way later than they will normally go. (Kinsler at 21?!¬† Wait, did they do this mock draft in 2007 and forget to post it?)¬† Howard is a great pick at 18.¬† Again, ain’t happening in the real world, so I’m done looking at value picks in this draft.
Derek Jeter – 25th overall.¬† I actually like Tristan Cockcroft (who is a Yankee fan and maybe why he made this pick), but Jeter at 25th overall is just silly.¬† Maybe Cockcroft is hoping for a wedding invite.¬† Not sure; let’s not dwell.
Javier Vazquez – 61st overall.¬† That’s around where his ADP is,¬† but I have him ranked around 135th overall.¬† I might need to do an overrated post on him.
Yovani Gallardo – 69th overall.¬† The BQE goes for YoGa about 40 spots before he should, but not nearly as bad as…
Brandon Webb – 98th overall.¬† They are totally reprinting a 2007 draft just to see if anyone will notice.¬† Very sneaky.
James Shields – 152nd overall.¬† Not a pick I would make, but this isn’t so much about the time Shields was drafted.¬† The real knee to the balls is in the comments where they wrote, “Becquey takes James Shields with pick No. 152, and many lament that Shields is off the board.”¬† Why? Because of his mediocre K-rate?¬† Is it his increasing walk rate?¬† Is it his inability to pitch in away games?¬† Is it his division?¬† Are they using a new definition of lament?¬† Seriously, I have to stop before I get an aneurysm.