USA Today may no longer appreciate the insights shared by Larry King in his long-running column but we at Razzball were thrilled when he accepted our invitation to share his thoughts on Fantasy Baseball….

It’s 2011 and I haven’t been more excited to start a fantasy baseball season since Babe Ruth gained OF eligibility….I’d like to pass Miguel Cabrera some advice I once got from Ann Margaret at Art Garfunkel’s ‘Carnal Knowledge‘-themed New Year’s party – “Easy there, Tiger”…My friend Tony Gugliotta from Brooklyn is drafting J.P. Arencibia because he reminds him of his favorite pasta sauce. Guess he’s saying ciao to Francisco Cervelli…..The Angels sure like fishing for talent…first Tim Salmon, now Mike Trout….if I was playing in front of an Angels scout, I’d change my name to Larry Gefilte….My good friend Fred Wilpon is no sucker, but if he was, he’d be a Charms….Since when did the Braves start playing in Atlanta?….Whenever I hear the song ‘Deep in the Heart of Texas’, I think of Michael Young….Whenever I see LOL I think of Mickey Lolich’s boisterous laugh…My wife and I play this game where we use a rhyming baseball player’s name for a word like ‘Not Robb Nen’ for ‘Not again’ or ‘Joel Skinner time’ for ‘Dinner time’…..Boy does she hate it when I say ‘Something smells funny in my Duane Kuiper’….Dontrelle Willis might not be a major-league caliber pitcher anymore but he’s an all-star gentleman in my book….The guy who invented WHIP must have been as smart as one….I’m afraid to leave my door open this Passover seder in fear that Elijah Dukes will come and eat all the horseradish….Why do you wear a tie to eat French food but you don’t wear a beret to eat Thai food?….I would consider trading in my suspenders for San Francisco 1B prospect Brandon Belt….I feel for Yankee fans as I know how it feels to put your faith in a damaged Colon….I think Eat Pray Love was just one shower scene away from an Oscar nomination….How would we know if a switch-hitter was actually identical twins?…You can’t spell Will Venable without winable….I had dinner last night with Oriole/Angel great Doug DeCinces – he’s such a stand-up guy that all the letters in his last name should be capitalized….I already miss Bobby Cox and Joe Torre.  I pitched a talk show with the two of them called Cox-Torre and they were a-giggle at the possibilities…How come Subway doesn’t carry pumpernickel bread?…If you combined Don Sutton’s perm with new HOFer Bert Blyleven’s beard, you’d have one sexy man….The Padres may have Cantu but, with Chone Figgins and Brendan Ryan, the Mariners have “can do”….Did you hear about this high school pitcher with two artificial legs….if heart were legs, he’d be a caterpillar….You have to figure that either Roy Halladay or Roy Oswalt is named after Brooklyn Dodger great Roy Campanella, right?…Who’d have thought there’d be three catchers named Molina before the next Yogi?…I won’t wear fur but I’d make an exception for Minka Kelly…I think Matt Stairs is a professional human being…If you don’t think Angel owner Cesar Romero made a wise move by trading for the incomparable Vernon Wells then the joke is on you….I wish I could change wives as quickly as Javier Vazquez changes teams….Great joke I heard from my pal Morty – what does the Reds first baseman and Angie Dickinson have in common…they both make you say Votto-voom!

  1. 101 MPH says:

    After being served by a teppanyaki chef at a Japanese restaurant, I said to him: Domo Joey Votto.

    Does that count?

  2. 101 MPH says:

    And on a semi-related note, Don Sutton looks a lot like my dentist.

    That is by no means a compliment.

  3. royce! says:

    Wow, really brilliant guys. So many laughs in here. I’m gonna steal that Dukes joke and use it next Passover. And he’s right, Stairs is a professional human being. The rest of us are mere amateurs.

    I rode in an elevator with Larry King. Dude really looks like a character from the Dark Crystal. Wish I would’ve asked his advice on my FBB roster.

  4. Stephen says:

    @royce!: I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one who has watched Dark Crystal.

  5. royce! says:

    @Stephen: All I remember about seeing it the first time was that I was totally traumatized. I couldn’t watch Fraggle Rock for a while because I thought they lived in the same place.

  6. PepeSilvia says:


  7. DonSlaughtOnslaught says:

    Remembers of Larry David’s band’s hits “The Gefilte Blues” and “Ow! My Back is Killing Me!”

  8. DonSlaughtOnslaught says:

    *Gefilte Fish Blues

  9. charlie batch says:

    peavy stock rising?

  10. Stephen says:

    @rocye!: Being traumatized is why I remember it so well. I was conned into watching it when I was six or seven by an older brother. I had nightmares for weeks.

  11. emporersmonkey says:

    How worried should we be about Heyward? Apparently he couldn’t make it through batting practice because of his sore back.

  12. swpayton says:

    If Olympic skier Peakaboo Street would have married NHL’er Jeff Beukeboom she’d be Peakaboo Beukeboom…Beyonce and Ron Cey would be BeyonCey…Apple Paltrow and Felix Pie = Apple Pie…Phyllis Diller and Dontrelle Willis = Phyllis Willis…

  13. BookieBob says:

    Dear Larry,

    Piers Morgan is a hack.

    RIP you old professional.


  14. royce! says:

    @Stephen: I had a similar experience, except I was 5 or 6 and my parents actually took me to see it in the theater. Maybe they thought I wasn’t tough enough.

  15. Brad says:

    Trying to trade Uggla in a keeper league over at CBS with the intention of picking up Aaron Hill at my auction, and I noticed something weird going on with CBS’ stats for these two guys.
    They have Dan Uggla striking out 152 times in 585 at bats and batting .270.
    Aaron hill is striking out 109 times in 680 at bats and batting .241.
    Is there something Im not getting?

  16. Hmm… it sounds like you got some assistance from your peers and contemporaries whilst penning this article, Larry. There’s a faint whiff of Shecky Greene in some of those one liners, and just a taste of Andy Rooney in many of those observations.

  17. J says:

    @Brad: Are they CBS’s projections?

  18. chata says:

    Mathew Berry Hosts :
    Don Rickles and Joan Rivers Re-United at Carnegie Hall !!

  19. Harley says:

    @Grey: Pick 1 – 16 team league, roto, 8 pitchers, 180 start maximum but no innings maximum, pick # 58 – Liriano (despite arm trouble rumors), Greinke (despite missing time and how tricky rib injuries are) and Haren (AL)?

    Or, do I wait until pick # 72, with Latos, Marcum, Hanson and Gallardo still on the board too, and hope 1 falls to me? (Carpenter, Oswalt and Cain are too but I don’t want them; and I don’t want to anchor my staff with Scherzer, Billingsley or Daniel Hudson)…

  20. Rob says:

    Great to have Larry King making posts. It brought me back when I used to read his column in Sporting News.

  21. Rob says:

    Great to have Larry King making posts. It brought me back when I used to read his column in Sporting News.

  22. @royce!: thanks. we’ll print out the comment in large font and send it to Larry.

    @charlie batch: Peavy is high risk / high reward. Solid late round flier but I wouldn’t pair him with another similar type.

    8/comment-page-1/#comment-451629″>emporersmonkey: I’m not reading too much into Heyward’s back. I don’t think his value changed…yet.

    @Brad: I think Uggla will have a higher AVG than Hill but I’d assume Uggla is closer to .250 or .260 vs. .270.

    @Harley: Haren at #58 or Hanson/Gallardo at #72.

  23. BTW, watching A’s game and Andrew Bailey looked like he was in serious elbow pain. Pick up Fuentes like his name is Daisy and it’s 15 years ago.

  24. Smell The Golve says:

    By the way, not sure if this was noticed or brought up by anyone last week, if so, sorry, but did you see the “mention” Razzball got in Matthew Berry’s latest Love and Hate column?

    “Martin Prado, 2B/3B, Braves (75.6): Someone sent me a note recently asking if I had seen a blog that ripped me for my Martin Prado ranking. Both the sheer volume of e-mails I get and blogs that rip me are too numerous to reply to, but I will say this one took me a bit by surprise. Really? Why the Prado hate? Last year, there were only 17 players in major league baseball (including Prado) who scored at least 100 runs. Seventeen. Nate makes this point on our podcast all the time and he’s right: No one ever pays attention to runs scored but they count just as much as the other four categories.

    Now, not only was Prado 14th overall in runs in the majors, but he was 15th in batting average as well. So you’re getting “elite” production in two cats. From a middle infielder. How many middle infielders were top-15 in the majors in more than one 5×5 category last season? Two: Robinson Cano (AVG, R, RBI) and Dan Uggla (HR, R, RBI), who, by the way, should help Prado score even more runs this season.

    Add to that Prado’s 15-20 homer potential, a handful of steals and, after two weeks into the season, that he’ll qualify at three different and reasonably scarce positions, and yeah, that’s why I have Prado in my top 60.”

  25. OaktownSteve

    OaktownSteve says:

    @Rudy: I wouldn’t be surprised if Balfour ends up closing for them if Bailey goes down. Fuentes will get first shot, but I think Balfour is actually just a better long term option. I hope it’s nothing. Bailey is really a top notch closer.

  26. OaktownSteve

    OaktownSteve says:

    @Rudy: also, speaking of sore armed closers, Lidge held out. Pick up Ryan Madson like his name is…uh…Ryan Madson.

  27. @OaktownSteve: I’d pick up Balfour too if you had roster space but I think, if you can only fit one, it’s Fuentes.

  28. OaktownSteve

    OaktownSteve says:

    @Rudy: I agree with you. Plus biggest problem with Fuentes is fly ball rates, so there’s a chance the big parks in the AL West keep him in the closer role for awhile, but I really don’t trust that guy.

    Saw a little more coverage of the Bailey injury here and it sounds very not good. Shame.

  29. @OaktownSteve: Definite shame on Bailey. No one benefits having to watch Fuentes or Balfour close games….

  30. jim says:

    Need some Help

    In a 5×5 12 team roto league. We start 2 catchers. Wondering what is the best strategy to deal with this.

    1st 4 top catchers go in rd 3-4
    next 7 top catchers go in round 10-13
    then the rest will all go in the 20’s rds.

    Do I want to try to get a stud, or a couple midland catchers in rds 10-13, or just punt both catchers and take 2 at the end.

    Thanks in advance

  31. The Situation says:

    @Rudy: Great stuff. Love the blog. I’ve been playing for a long time and can’t believe I didn’t find you guys until this year.

    Anyways, I had my first 12 team, 5×5 keeper league draft (with 2 starting UTIL) the other day and below are the results. Do you think any categories need work and/or any trades/FA pickups are in order?

    C: Napoli
    1B: Miggy (k)
    2B: Cano (k)
    SS: Alcides
    3B: Wright (k)
    OF1: Braun (k)
    OF2: Span
    OF3: Bay
    Util1: Lind
    Util2: Tabata
    Bench: Man-Ram

    SP1: J. Johnson
    SP2: Hamels
    SP3: Oswalt
    SP4: Lilly
    SP5: De La Rosa
    SP6: Vazquez
    SP7: Minor

    CL1: Putz
    CL2: Axford
    CL3: Thornton

    Offensively, I worry about my depth behind my stud keepers. Napoli/Lind/Bay all make me feel a little uneasy as my secondary line of power production. Also, Alcides/Span/Tabata are a pretty big power drain, even though I like them all.

    I love the staff. WHIP is usually very competitive in my league, so I made an effort to focus on it as well as K’s (which should be OK despite the fact that I don’t have a 200+ K guy).

    Any and all advice welcomed by Rudy and all. Thanks in advance guys. This site is definitely my secret weapon!

  32. @jim: With two catchers, I’d look for a catcher who comes at least a 2 round (24 picks) discount vs. 12 Team Point Shares – I’d say 3 round if it was just one catcher. I would probably punt the second catcher though vs. go with two big catchers.

    @The Situation: Agreed that you don’t need Tabata, Span, and Alcides. There must be a better SS than Alcides Escobar that you can get in a 12 team league without MI, right?

  33. LMack says:

    For Rudy, Grey, anyone: A Ryan Zimmerman vs. Alex Rodriguez question.

    Can Zimmerman hold his gains in BB%? He’s young and could be developing his MLB eye. On the other hand, hat do you make of A-Rod’s decline in walk rate last year? Are his skills deteriorating or will you see a regression closer to his former ~.390 OBP?

    What my question boils down to is, in a rotisserie league with OBP instead of AVG as the 5th category, which 3B would you rather have?

  34. Tony says:

    @rudy: uggla a higher avg than HILL? idk…. i honestly think hill bounces back and uggla falls back in that dept., relative to where they’re drafted i’d take hill. I think people are enamored with Ugglas 2010 stats, and they’re going to get solid production, just not a .287 average, more like the .243-.260 he batted in the prior 3 years….. but hey .250 and 30HRs probably 100 rbi’s 100 runs from 2B, thats solid, still feels like overpaying, H2H i’d beware…. ya never know tho, being on a contender? He might bat .300 and hit 40 HR’s this year!

    @the situation: you’ve been too busy doing laundry, hitting the gym and tanning…. stick around, best site ON EARTH.

  35. Tony says:

    @Lmack: i’d take zimm anyday over arod. I like the idea arod could put up another monster year, i dont think the guys done by any means, but I also dont like his age, he just had a hip surgery, and he’s an ex-roider. Zimm’s trending up, Arod’s trending down…. you can hope for one more good arod year or 4 or you can go with a younger proven guy who you can hopefully depend on to be healthy.

    Valid question tho, i’d like to see rudy or greys response.

  36. Rabbit says:

    Rotoworld is reporting that Bailey is going to see Dr. Freeze tomorrow.

  37. MAC DADDY says:

    @ Tony and Lmack I agree with Tony and a downward trend with Arod and would pick Zimm before. I wonder if Cameron will have a positive effect……
    @Rudy and whoever. Prado did me right last year but I got him cheap and plugged him in as a backup so it may be different this year as a starter.

  38. LMack says:

    Bailey officially heading to Dr. Freeze.

  39. mr baseball says:

    Did my leagues draft last night 16 teams Auction Draft
    All these players went for $50 or more in the bidding

    Hanley Ramírez (Fla – SS) $69 Born This Way
    Adrián González (Bos – 1B) $62 Doc.Lee.Os.Cole.Huff
    Evan Longoria (TB – 3B) $61 Bruklyn BushLeaguhz®
    Miguel Cabrera (Det – 1B) $61 BLAZE
    Albert Pujols (StL – 1B) $60 Born This Way
    David Wright (NYM – 3B) $52 the Hart Foundation
    Carlos González (Col – OF) $52 Danks+Swisher=Smoak
    Joey Votto (Cin – 1B) $51 Bruklyn BushLeaguhz®
    Ryan Zimmerman (Was – 3B) $51 LeBraun James
    Troy Tulowitzki (Col – SS) $50 THE BENEVOLENT ONES
    Ryan Howard (Phi – 1B) $50 _ MOZZYE’S_6-TOOLER$_
    Robinson Canó (NYY – 2B) $50 Born This Way
    Kevin Youkilis (Bos – 1B) $50 the Hart Foundation

  40. Jason says:

    I wonder if anyone is still around.

    Two trades kinda on the mend here in a 14-team H2H, 6×6 (OPS, QS) Yahoo! league. My team:

    Iannetta, Miggy Cabs, Raburn, A-Rod, Andrus, Kemp, BJ, Bautista, with Gardner/Manny in the Utils and Fowler/Espinosa on the bench.

    Pitchers go: Ubaldo, Hanson, Lilly, Kuroda, Kennedy, Dickey, Carrasco, Stauffer.

    1. I’m planning on acquiring Cruz for Bautista, would you then do a Cruz/Andrus for Hanley trade.

    2. How about Phillips for Kuroda and Raburn and? guy legit has no SP.

  41. Steve says:

    @Rudy Gamble: Is there a blunt-instrument method of adjusting your 10-team Point Shares auction values for an 8-teamer with a $300 cap?

  42. Tony says:

    @jason: get hanley….. bautista for cruz then deal cruz/andrus for hanley? NO BRAINER.

    seriously you just moved a bunch of overrateds, injury prones and one trick type guys for the best SS in baseball…. good luck because it sounds like a triangle, Bermuda….

  43. cubbies299 says:

    Hey y’all, what happened to the Disabled List Informer? He always gave great info on injuries and expert perspective. Is there anyone else that deserves to breath his air? I want to get a real perspective on the Utley injury

  44. The Situation says:

    @Rudy: Not really many options at SS… Available SS’s include Asdrubal, Hardy, Uribe, Tejada, Peralta, A-Gon, Scutaro, Brignac and the like. Not sure I like anyone in that group better than Alcides and I think I still need his steals, despite already rostering Wright, Span and Tabata.

    Is a trade in order for a Reyes or Andrus? Do I trade some pitching to make that happen?

  45. Billy says:

    trade help, h2h 14 team league, am i’m crazy not yet jumping on this deal…

    i trade CJ Wilson and Espinosa for Beckham, Delmon Young and Jesus Montero

    Beckham would be my starting 2b i do have Lawrie in my Minors slot, and Young would also help me at OF as I’m weak there…

  46. @Steve: Hmm, There’s no blunt way to do it. I’d probably just multiply all the #s by 300/260.

  47. Doug Ault says:

    Somewhere Juan Pierre has a brother named Deux, and he hits for power

    Always a pleasue to read Larry!

  48. toolagio says:

    I’m from overseas… so I never knew Larry King wrote on baseball. More reasons to wish I was inside the North American bubble…

    Any article that causes the milk from my cheerios to stream out my nose is a good one!

  49. @Elijah: You may come into my house and have some wine. But then please leave.

  50. @Billy: Espinosa and Beckham are fairly close in value. Montero is only useful in a 2 catcher league. I don’t love either CJ Wilson (beware the year after a pitcher has converted from reliever to starter) or Delmon Young but they are of equal value.

    So sounds like this helps your team….go for it.

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