My preseason NL MVP pick was Travis Shaw. *turns to a mirror* You’re handsome, but hella stupid. My mirror reflection separates from my body. The apparition picks up a see-through suitcase, “I think it’s time we went our separate ways.” But how will you get along out there without me? Can an apparition order Chick-fil-A or boba? “Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.” It was one bad call. “Tell that to my teams with Travis Shaw and Daniel Palka.” Nooooooo!!! Any hoo! My soul left me after I told it to draft Travis Shaw, and I can’t blame it. What a garbage call. Maybe Shaw will return as Travos so we can “see worth.” It’s a game of puns! With the Brewers moving on from Shaw by sending him to the Ineffective List, they called up Keston Hiura. I know I say this shizz three times a week, but he could be *the* call-up of the year. Here’s what I’ve said in the past, “One scout said this offseason at the Arizona Fall League, ‘We all talk about the bat of Vladdy, with obvious reason, but outside of Vladdy, I’d call Keston Hiura the purest power bat I saw out in Arizona. He’s just a special, special kid.’ The scout continued, ‘Have you seen my chew?’ turning his lip inside out, ‘Ah, there it is,’ then after a pause, ‘I’m big league, baby!’ I actually have owned Huira for the better part of two years in two separate NL-Only leagues, and I’m a fan. Think there’s a chance for a 18/7/.270 season. That sounds downright–Don’t say Jed Lowrie, don’t say Lowrie, don’t say Lowrie, don’t say Lowrie– Led Jowrie! (What’s worse, I thought of saying ‘what Brett Lawrie was supposed to be’ — woof!) In Double-A last year, Hiura hit 6 HRs with 11 SBs and .272 in only 73 games, but his bat will play, and, as mentioned above about how he looked in Arizona, he destroyed the AFL, getting better and better.” And that’s me quoting me! He continued to get better this year, hitting .333 with 11 HRs in 37 Triple-A games, while chipping in four steals. He was striking out way too much in Triple-A to hit .333 in the majors, but 18/7/.270 sounds about right from this point forward with a chance for more. Maybe he could even be the NL MVP. I’m kidding, apparition! Please, come back, I’m empty inside!. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brandon Woodruff – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 5 BBs, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Sonavabench! Damn, shot myself in the foot like anyone the news labels a “Florida Man.”
Jerad Eickhoff – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.65. Some days it’s Eickhoff, yesterday it was Jer-khoff.
Michael Chavis – 2-for-5 and his 7th homer, hitting .289. Can you imagine even thinking about dropping him with how he’s hitting? No? Well, pop in the comments, because a lot of people apparently can.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-5 and his 8th homer. Just Dong because everything is just not.
Rafael Devers – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .331. Ya know what could be happening with Devers? A slow-burn breakout. He appears to not be doing anything for power, but if he gets into five quick homers, he could be hitting .340 with power and an insanely low strikeout rate and huge boost in walks.
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, zero BBs, 17 Ks, ERA at 4.24. “Mah I tahld ya we needed 17 K placahrds for the game!” “Shut the fahk up, Junior!” That’s a mother and son at Fenway enjoying the game. A Sale may be synonymous with buying low, but you might need to rethink that definition.
Andrew Benintendi – 0-for-6, 4 Ks, hitting .265. Buy! Seriously, we have a big enough sample size — that’s what she never said! — to know Benintendi will be better than this.
Garrett Hampson – Optioned to Triple-A. The Rockies gave him every opportunity to succeed. The Rockies giving every opportunity is: Three to four days a week, hitting as high as seventh, and pointing at Tapia while saying, “We gave him five days to hit once every three years, so no pressure.”
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .317. During the recording of Tell It To My Heart, Taylor Dane blotted her lipstick with this tissue and my uncle, a sound engineer, gave it to me. A family heirloom, to be sure, which is why it’s weird I’m going to haphazardly leave it by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!
Julio Urias – Placed on leave after being arrested for domestic battery. More like Julio Uranus.
Joc Pederson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. He has 13 homers and 22 RBIs. That 30/30 season that was predicted for him is coming!
Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .409. Yawn. You were so April.
Franmil Reyes – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer, hitting .273. Break me off a piece of that $54 vending machine steak!
Chris Paddack – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 1.99. I still love you, you big, cowboy’d hatted, puddle of goof!
Manny Machado – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .265. Get hot, you sumsabeach!
Shaun Anderson – Will make his major league debut today. Here’s what Prospect Mike said about him, “Hey Mike, what’s it like to write a blurb about a C-Grade 24-year-old pitching prospect? I’d tell you kind reader, but I’m too busy screaming into a pillow. Above-average fastball and slider. Changeup with some potential. Mid-rotation ceiling. I just…I just. Okay. One more! We can do it! RAWR!” Sounds like Shaun Anderson could be a 1 RAWR player. I’d leave him for NL-Only leagues for now.
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. He homered for the 1st two times ever in the same park that his dad played his 1st World Series game, because baseball finds significance in everything. And there was 27 words in the previous sentence, and his number is 27. Okay, that kind of stuff you can’t just make up.
Noah Syndergaard – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.74. Wow, he is so hit or miss. Insert Shruggy the Emoji wearing a cardigan and picking lint out of his chest pocket. Yo, Shruggy, what you find in your pocket? Shruggy shrugs. Thanks, Shruggy, that was fascinating.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. OZUNA wish everyone could have feeling of hitting home run. OZUNA curses. OZUNA just waste last genie wish.
Yadier Molina – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .283. Real question, will Molina ever stop being productive? I’m not a Cards homer; some would say I never say nice things about the Cards, which isn’t true, but Molina’s a no-doubt Hall of Famer. That’s crazy considering how miserably he was hitting his first seven (!) years.
Dexter Fowler – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .305 and a .421 OBP. I only mention the OBP, because whoa.
Kolten Wong – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .246. There’s a throwback name from a kindler, gentler time like way back to the first week of the season, when we thought Kolten Wong was going to be great and Chris Sale sucked.
Mike Foltynewicz – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 8.02. I can understand the Braves ignoring the telltale signs that he’s still hurt and trying to get Faultynowitzki going for real baseball purposes, but what’s your excuse?
Austin Riley – With Ender Inciarte fake injured, the Braves will call up Austin Riley to play the outfield after getting a whooping four games in the outfield in the minors. Whatever, how hard could it be? You count blades of grass; you spit sunflower seeds; you tell the short-centerfielder he can copy your math homework. At least that’s what I did when I played outfield in Little League. Same diff, right? Either way, he’s not being promoted for his defense. On the Prospectonator, Riley is ranked 20th in projections for all rookie hitters (Hiura is above him). It has Riley down for 25/2/.250, but that’s over the course of a season, and feels light for average, if I’m being frank. Serpico, if I had to choose one, because I play it by the book! I grabbed Riley in my shallowest league (12-team mixed) and would own him everywhere.
Carlos Correa – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .298. The Astros were facing Ryan Carpenter, who sounds like he might make a better soap opera actor, but their offense is sick as in very healthy. (A reason why I haven’t talked much about Yordan. I’m aware of him, but unless the Astros move on from Tyler White, I’m not sure where he plays.)
Aledmys Diaz – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and like his 12th homer in the last week, and three homers since Altuve went on the IL and screams HOT. I mentioned Diaz’s schmotatoness yesterday, today I’m saying fire emoji on the schmotato.
Ronny Rodriguez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .312. That’s six homers in only 21 games for those slow on the uptake. For those real slow, that’s good. Yes, he should be owned.
Justin Bour – Optioned to the minors. The Bourbino’s headed to Salt Lake, which is good for floating and marrying, but bad for one’s career.
Mitch Garver – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .329. He’s hitting 3rd and it makes sense! Wait, I’m seeing he was injured on a home plate collision. Damn, after the collision, Garver removed the chest padding and his shirt read, “If you can read this, Mitch fell off!” Nooooo!
Luke Weaver – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.16. C’mon, don’t be a stream-weaver, Weaver; I got a dreamweaver, Weaver; be a bob and weaver, Weaver! (I’m so motivational.)
Joe Musgrove – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.59. Looking at his peripherals, he’s going to be up and down from a 3.50 ERA to a 4.00 ERA all year. Assuming neutral luck.
Josh Bell – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, hitting .329. This is neither here nor there, but he’s doing what I was hoping from Devers.
Cole Tucker – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .182. Serious question, was this his 1st hit since his 1st game?
Joey Votto – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .207. Votto got older than Wilford Brimley after the aliens put the kibosh on the Cocoon pool.
Kyle Hendricks – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.86. Ryu > Hendricks = Natalie Wood. Damn, my math’s a little off there. Was supposed to equal they’re underrated, not something underwater.
Caleb Smith – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Can we bask in his gloriousness for one second? Out in Calebaskus with Kanye and Kim. His K/9 is 12 and his BB/9 is 2.6 with a 2.94 xFIP. On our Player Rater, he’s been a top 10 starter, and in real life he’s been roughly a top 8 starter. *low whistle indicating sexy*
Avisail Garcia – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .296. Now has three homers in the last week and last night’s home run went about 750 feet, and tells me he’s completely locked in like the MyPillow guy is with polyester fiberfill.
Felix Hernandez – Out 4-6 weeks with a lat strain. That’s a shame, he was good only four years ago.
Daniel Vogelbach – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Vogel’s bringing sexy bach!
Mitch Haniger – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. He’s scratching that Mitch!
Roenis Elias – 2 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.78 and his 5th save. Elias Sports Bureau said, “I’m the latest poorly-used closer!” Elias Sports Bureau, you wouldn’t happen to be Roenis Elias, would you? *Elias blinks suspiciously* Mm-hmm, as I thought.
Shelby Miller – 1 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 9.51. Not to state the painfully obvious, but how has he been in the majors for the last four years?
Hunter Dozier – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .321. After six weeks, it’s still hard to believe anything. Hot hitters will go cold, cold hitters will vis-à-vis. However, I truly believe Dozier has broke out and is never going back to an also-ran.
Giancarlo Stanton – Diagnosed with a shoulder strain. This is gonna blow your mind, but no one pays me $300 million. I know, that might surprise some of you. I appreciate that. Prolly worth it, but what’s a few hundred million amongst friends. Either way, making about $300 million less than $300 million and, ya know, this is the crazy part, I could get diagnosed for a shoulder strain in less than six weeks. What in the holy eff is going on with Giancarlo? Why is Dr. Met now diagnosing Yankees players?
Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.18. Classic Cookie without being crumby.
Jake Bauers – 2-for-2 and his 4th homer, hitting .246. I’ve been meaning to drop Bauers for a few weeks now in one league, but I can’t find a decent replacement (it’s a deeper league). This will give Jake Bauers a bit more time, which was every May sweeps episode of 24.
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .195. No need to rehash how off I was on Jo-Ram in the preseason, but I’m thinking a buying opportunity is beginning to swell, because of how much people now hate Jo-Ram. Uh-oh, now there’s gonna be a reverse swell jinx.
Jordan Luplow – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .280, and four homers in the last week, and hitting near .350 in that time. Hot schmotato alert! Fun fact! If Jordan Luplow played in Japan, his nickname would be Scooby Doo.