Yesterday’s Cubs/Braves matinee was Jose Quintana (4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.23) vs. Julio Teheran (6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.49). This start was billed as, “Was The Wind Blowing Out Or Do These Guys Suck?” A very quizzical billing. I don’t own Quintana, but I hear your calls to place a flag on a sound stage in Hollywood and say it’s the moon and continue to own Quintana or if it’s cheese. Guys (and five girls), things aren’t good — Ks are way down; walks are way up; velocity is down; this is the worst he’s looked in the majors. Now, the good news, it’s relatively good, at least. He had a 5.60 ERA last through the end of May last year, and a 3.41 ERA in the last 124 IP last year. He also upped his Ks last June thru September and, until we see different, I think he could take the same route to success this year. Or not (nice hedge, dopey!), but I’d hold to see. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Albert Almora – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .298. We’ve gotten to the point where I actually agree with Maddon, starting Almora over Happ. That’s a big helping of sigh.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .172. Since it’s now legal to gamble on sports, let’s do some over/unders. Over/under on homers from Bautista this year: 16; over/under batting average .210; over/under on his place in the lineup 7th. I’d go under, under, under. I’m limboing, snitches!
Ozzie Albies – 3-for-5 and his 13th homer, hitting .277. He was also the only name I wrote in on my imaginary Hall of Fame ballot for 2018. Only I didn’t write Ozzie Albies, but drew all bees on the ballot, then I touched my tongue to the area where I popped out the chad. My 2 Live Crew song is, Pop That Chad Out (for Albies).
Lucas Duda – Hit the DL with your garden variety plantar fasciitis. Hunter Dozier (0-for-3) was called up and started in Duda’s place (and hit ninth). You might remember Hunter Dozier from such lists as, “Hey, Wasn’t This Guy Good A Few Years Ago, The List,” and “A List of Guys That Were Once Considered Prospects.”
Whit Merrifield – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer. But, even more importantly, he was hitting leadoff. Let’s hope it sticks. (Yes, it’s a little crazy to think we have to hope Merrifield hits leadoff when the Royals next-best option is Jon Jay.)
Matt Duffy – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .322, out of the three hole, and hitting near-.400 in the last week. I know, gross, but schmotato is as a schmotato does.
Ryan Yarbrough – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.93. Fun fact! Yarbrough is something a stoner pirate would say.
Andrew Heaney – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.93. The Stream-o-Nator was meh on Heaney yesterday, but I will say Angels pitchers at home are usually more good than not, even against the Astros.
Keynan Middleton – Returned to the DL with UCL damage, and is likely headed for Tommy John surgery. Please, whatever you do, don’t try to understand how he went from elbow problems ten days ago to pitching in three games last week to Tommy John surgery. You’ll only hurt your head. The Angels’ closer committee is a grab bag of crap — a crapbag. In this crapbag, you’ll find Jim Johnson, Blake Parker and Justin Anderson. I’d grab them in that order. I have the most faith in Parker, but less faith in The Sciosciapath going to him. Yesterday, Justin Anderson had the perfect inning for a save — the 9th. He also loaded the bases, and barely squeaked out of it.
Hector Neris – Also out as closer. Finally, the closerpocalypse! The Phils will go to some combination of Edubray Ramos, Seranthony Dominguez, Neris and Tommy Hunter. I’d guess that order, but, besides Neris, they’ve all been good, which doesn’t make it easy to grab just one guy.
Roberto Osuna – His administrative leave has been extended through May 21st. If I were MLB, I’d want this resolved as soon as possible. Nothing like your PR releases being, “Tony La Russa saved some strays…A beautiful moment during Mother’s Day games on Sunday…And Osuna beat up a woman.”
Dustin Pedroia – Began a rehab stint in Pawtucket, and is likely two weeks away from returning. Pedroia said he’s regained the ability to drive the ball — to use his legs and to turn on pitches. Remember the Sparky Anklebiter credo, “If might were height, Pedroia would be seven feet tall.”
Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.28. Yo, Regression Fairies, how about you go back to telling men their shorts should not be ankle length unless they are Juggalos and leave my pitchers alone!
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .346. Just Dong’ing it! About that sell…Kidding, of course, he’ll get hurt at some point. He always does. Sorry, hate to be the one on the Don’t Pass Line.
Trevor Cahill – Cleared to start Wednesday. So, Tuesday’s the peak, then it’s all Cahill from there.
Matt Joyce – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .202. Yesterday was especially good for my fantasy team named, “Joyce Da Whit.”
Matt Olson – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Also, in this game, Matt Chapman went 2-for-4, 1 run. Both of these guys? They’re as overdue as your Faces of Death VHS you forgot to return. I just realized something, you could’ve rented every Blockbuster movie ever from every store, then put them on eBay while ignoring late fees. Is a defunct company gonna collect late fees? Damn, this would’ve been so much better than buying the stock at $75!
Khris Davis – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer, and three homers in the last four games. You could change your name to Cris Davis and hit 12 homers in 14 games.
DJ LeMahieu – Landed back on the DL minutes after my weekly lineup locked. This was me: sees LeMahieu is DL’d again, runs to the other room to change lineup, but because my dog, Ted, doesn’t like running — UNLESS IT’S HIM! — he starts biting my ankles and barking wildly, then Cougs gets excited, “What’s the matter?” “Nothing, if I explain it will be too late!” “Oh, because I can’t understand your incredibly complex baseball problems.” Sigh. “Forget it, it’s too late anyway.” And that’s how DJ LeMahieu’s DL stint led to my wife saying she thinks we need therapy.
Daniel Castro – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Also, in this game, Noel Cuevas (1-for-5) hit his first homer and Gerardo Parra (1-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 2nd, i.e., the few unowned Rockies, the Colorado Ickies.
Junior Guerra – 6 IP 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.08 vs. Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.53. The Regression Fairies could’ve killed two pitchers with one stone yetserday. Missed opportunity. I also go over Corbin in the video at the top of the post.
Tyler Saladino – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and an inside the park homer. It was tough for the Saladinos to move cities, but seeing lil Tyler do so well on the Little League field, I think he’s gonna be just fine. And that boy down the street — you know, the Sogard’s kid — I think him and Tyler will be friends.
Steven Souza – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .152. Souza got his first extra base hit RBI. They just played a march in honor of it.
A.J. Pollock – Sprained his thumb and could be headed for an MRI. Damn, they’re never injury prone, until they are injury prone, huh? (It makes sense if you don’t think about it too long.)
Chris Stratton – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.88. Stratton is like the opposite of struttin’. You walk on tiptoes and hope opposing offenses don’t see you. Yesterday, Stratton walked like Sherman Hemsley for like one second, then Tucker Barnhart Marla Gibbs’d him. Was Tucker Barnhart on The Baseball Bunch? Because Stratton made him look like Johnny Effin’ Bench! I will call him Strat-unauto-matic. You gotta role snake eyes or 12’s to get a goddamn K! There was an earthquake at beginning of game, so everyone in the stadium could feel how Stratton feels on the mound!
Scott Schebler – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .264. it’s actually more impressive because he had a DL stint this year, and that’s in less than 100 ABs. Okay, not crazy impressive, but he’s really not that bad.
Miguel Sano – Molitor said Sano is not close 100 percent, and added, “Did I ever tell you I once had a 39-game hitting streak?”
Jason Castro – Will have surgery to repair a torn right meniscus. Gonna make it tough to count on his knee.
Ervin Santana – Threw BP on Monday and now there’s oiled-up ducks everywhere! Save it for Daytona Beach!
Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.35 vs. Wade LeBlanc – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.51. A unlikely pitching duel by two pitchers who are doing unlikely things because: baseball’s weird. In the general big picture, baseball players do what you expect and teams play out how you think they will, but from minute-to-minute, game-to-game anything can happen. This is my PSA for you not to gamble.
Robinson Cano – Hit the DL with a hand fracture. We still have no timetable, but two months isn’t off the, uh, table of, uh, time. The Mariners decided (for now) to leave Gordon playing center field and bring up Gordon Beckham to play 2nd base. What a pee poor decision. Yo, M’s, your head is in yo’ ass! Can’t believe this team was smart enough to trade for Jay Buhner.
Jeimer Candelario – Hit the DL with wrist tendinitis. Jeimer? More like Bye-mer! C’mon, high five me! That was good! No? Okay.
Nicholas Castellanos – Could return on Tuesday. Or as it’s been known since 400 B.C. “today.” Prior to that, “today” was yesterday. Talk about confusing.
Niko Goodrum – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, and 2nd and 3rd in the past two games. Bacardi 151 is a hot schmotato!
Mike Fiers – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.23 as he outpitched Carlos Carrasco – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.66. Yeah, of course Fiers outpitched Carrasco, because the sky is purple and it smells like stewed carrots. Sorry, Barney is sitting on my head. Wait, nope, dropped acid. My bad again!
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 13th homer. Jose Ramirez and Francisco Lindor are massively talented. It’s like if Wham was a trio and there were two George Michaels and Jason Kipnis is Andrew Ridgeley. Or it’s like Simon & Garfunkel and Kipnis is the ampersand.