For all of today’s news and lineup notes, all with a Canadian/Arizonian accent (if that’s such a thing, I’m assuming it is unless they already deported it) here’s Nick the Podcast Radio Host with today’s HotSheet!

To be fair, Johnny Cueto is good, but that’s not the name of the song. Pitching a complete game, three hit shut-out with eight strikeouts is quite an impressive start, until you realize it was against the Padres. You gave up three hits against them? What is this? Kevin Correia hour? Even though those nine innings struck me as quite pedestrian, his last 63.0 IP have been quite impressive. And seeing as how he’s one of the eighteen pitchers who has survived so far without a tendon exploding, he could be well on his way for a Cy Young caliber year. And while the red flags are few and far between, I would be remiss not to mention them. First, his LOB% is insane at 99.5%. Yes, he’s really great at holding runners, but the league average is 72.8% and his career average 76.6%. Second, his BB% is unchanged, but his K/9 is 9.71, compared to a career number of 7.19, and there’s really no reason why. The velocity has remained the same. There’s been an uptick of two-seamers with less sliders and change-ups… but if it was sequencing, we’d need a bigger sample. If it’s a case of getting called third strikes at a higher rate, that would demand regression. And, of course, there’s always injury-risk. But in the year of the Tommy John, I’ll feel relieved if someone’s arm doesn’t literally just fall off during a game this season. But hey, pitchers have career years. And when good pitchers have career years, well, ahem, they have career years? Uhh… I was in trouble like six words in…

Here’s what else I saw on Thursday (besides yo momma):

**BREAKING** Joey Votto — Thanks to commentator Malicious Phenom, it’s being reported by that one goofy guy who wears bow-ties (NOT Bill Nye, which is the only person allowed to wear bow-ties… which seems obvious), that this morning Votto will be getting an MRI on his knee and a DL-stint is likely. Apparenlty, he felt left out from all of his baseball buddies visiting the DL, and he wanted to check it out and see for himself what kind of party it is. Trust me bro, it’s not a party, it’s a slaughter house.

Yonder Alonso — 2-for-7, 1 R, 1 HR (1), 2 RBI (9). Yonder Alonso’s number of home runs in the last calender year: 1. Yasmani Grandal’s number of games started: 120 in three years. Yup, this trade has totally worked out… Sarcasm alert: RED LIKE THE BLOOD OF ALL THAT IS UNHOLY.

Grant Balfour — 0.0 IP, 1 H, 0-2 K/BB, 3 ER. I’m looking at the box score and can’t figure out which is more perplexing. Balfour being a closer with a 6.46 ERA, or that he’s only blown two saves so far. Both seem equally astounding. Well, in this case, Balfourian.

Kyle Blanks — Kyle got blanked by the Padres (it makes sense, shut up) and traded to Oakland for something called Goebbert, which I’m pretty sure is a Harry Potter character. As the resident Padres homer, I always believed that if he stayed healthy, Blanks could have had a “Lucus Duda” type of impact, which is to say, no impact at all. But whatever they are drinking down in Oakland (besides bail bonds and stabbings) seems to be working… So I’ll change my previous ceiling of Lucus Duda to Mike Trout.

Emilio Bonifacio — 0-for-5. He might have gone 0-5 in baseball, but in our hearts, he went EmiliOOOOH for five. Just a reminder, this is free content.

Zach Britton — 1.0 IP, 0 H, 0-0 K/BB, 0 ER, S (1). The money was on Darren O’day, or Ryan Webb, or on Troy Patton even, or, in fact, pretty much anyone else but Zach Britton to get the next save opportunity. So who gets it? Yep… and he’s a must-add right now, seeing as how he actually could be effective in that role. CRAZY, I know.

Clay Buchholz — 6.0 IP, 10 H, 6-3 K/BB, 3 ER, (ND). Doing very Clay Buchholz things! Or, as translated into the BAWHSTON dialect: “DAT FACKIN’ BUCHHOLZ, HE SOUNDS QUEAH! YOU FREELOADIN’ FACK!”

Matt Cain — 7.2 IP, 6 H, 7-3 K/BB, 4 ER, W (1-3).  More like Matt Lame… yup, took me like seven seconds. High-five on that one. (Although, I did consider Mattiocre Cain, but that sounds like some kind of pudding.)

Mike Carp — 2-for-4, 1 RBI (3). Ah, yes, the other fish. Quite the shadow you’re living in, almost as if you really shouldn’t be called a Carp, more like a anoplogaster cornuta… HAHA. Oh yeah, I got ichthyologist jokes bro.

Matt Carpenter — 1-for-4, 1 RBI (15). Hey, cool story, his OBP is .356 while his SLG is .319. Well, pretty cool story for non-Matt Carpenter owners at least.

Starlin Castro — 3-for-4, 1 R, 1 HR (6), 2 RBI (21). Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it’s broken, but you can still see the cracks in the reflection. See that crack right there, yeah, the one the size of Neptune? That’s 2013…

Bruce Chen — Because of a bulging disk, Chen has been limited to playing catch. There’s still no timetable for his return, devastating no one but me, I guess.

Chris Colabello — 0-for-5. The downward spiral continues. Really, this is terrible news for all the cheese fans out there. What are we supposed to do here? Hang our crackers on Justin Ruggiano?

Nelson Cruz — 1-for-4, 1 R, 1 HR (12), 2 RBI (35). Bless his heart, still able to be a productive fantasy outfielder at the ripe old age of 83.

Khris Davis — 1-for-4, 2 RBI (12). Coincidence that both Davis’ are struggling this year? Probably! Is this the point where I get to say that I’ve always thought Khris Davis is a fourth outfielder? And the part where you never mention what I’ve said about R.A. Dickey?

Jacob deGrom — 7.0 IP, 4 H, 6-2 K/BB, 1 ER, L (0-1). Jacob sure deGrom’d the Yankees, amiright? In a game that featured two no-names, one has to ask, since, you know, this is his blurb, who is Jacob deGrom? IMDB had nothing on him, so I was forced to actually do my own research. Apparently, he has an amazing head of hair. That, in-of-itself, would have been enough to convince me of impending stardom, until I learned that he’s a groundball, strike-throwing pitcher with good control. These guys are underrated to an extent. Look at Doug Fister. I mean, not now, the DL will blind you with tears and the burnt embers of our dreams… but as a general statement. While he could have trouble against lefties, it’s not like the Mets have anything to lose, besides plenty of games. If you are in a similar situation, maybe keep an eye on him?

Edwin Encarnacion — 3-for-4, 2 R, 2 HR (8), 3 RBI (30). Yeah, move along. Nothing to see here. Everything’s just fine and dandy…

Nate Eovaldi — 4.1 IP, 9 H, 2-2 K/BB, 6 ER, L (2-2). I’ll admit, could have gone better. But hey, at least he gave a (Brad) Hand job (0.2 IP) to end his night. That’s a winner right there.

Juan Francisco — 1-for-3, 1 R, 1 HR (7), 1 RBI (18). If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen them all. What? This might be my last chance to use that…

Yovani Gallardo — 6.1 IP, 5 H, 6-2 K/BB, 3 ER, (ND). Going into this season, I had thought that both Gallardo and Sabathia represented some great buy-low opportunities. Moral of the story? Don’t include a guy that could eat the other one whole.

Jedd Gyorko — 0-7. Chase Headley found a way not to get over-hyped… (probably because he’s not very good), but nope. Not Gyorko. I couldn’t nab him in any league this year. So, I guess what I’m trying to say here is… thanks everyone!

J.A. Happ — 6.0 IP, 6 H, 4-2 K/BB, 1 ER, W (2-1). I had this adding a ‘y’ to his last name joke, but it never really came to fruition. Probably because the real joke is that I’m typing something about J.A. Happ.

Aaron Hicks — 1-for-4, 1 R, 1 RBI (8). “If anyone needed a game-winning hit in extra innings, it was Aaron Hicks.” Really? I’ll just take a hit at this point…

Phil Hughes — 6.0 IP, 5 H, 8-0 K/BB, 1 ER, (ND). Was very un-Phil Hughes like with more strikeouts than innings pitched. The Twins promptly fined him.

Casey Janssen — 1.0 IP, 0 H, 0-0 K/BB, 0 ER, S (2). “Oh, not giving up a sh*t-ton of runs is how you get saves. Who woulda thunk it?” – Sergio Santos

Reed Johnson — 2-for-4, 1 R. Yes, I was as surprised at you that Reed Johnson still plays baseball.

Ian Kennedy — 6.0 IP, 11 H, 4-1 K/BB, 5 ER, L (2-5). The line looks worse than he pitched… but not really. You know things are going bad for you when you give up one hit to Billy Hamilton. ICE BURN.

Mat Latos — Was transferred to the 60-day disabled list and is still at least three week away. In other news, I’ve started a petition for Latos to correctly place the ‘T’s’ in his full name. So far, I have one signature including me. So it’s a start.

Nick Markakis — 3-for-4. For an unlimited time only, straight to your fantasy roster, free over-night delivery for the most amazing empty stats ever!

Mark Melancon — 0.0 IP, 2 H, 0-2 K/BB, 2 ER, BS (2). Meh, I prefer honeydew anyways.

Yadier Molina — 2-for-3, 1 R, 1 RBI (20). Probably an overall number one pick in the all-Molina fantasy league, which is saying a lot. There’s like 400 of those guys.

Mike Morse — 3-for-4, 1 R, 1 HR (10), 3 RBI (28). Probably the main beneficiary of Brandon Belt’s injury, if only because you can’t really chase down balls in the outfield by carrying around 245 lbs. of injury prone material. That’s my point of view at least.

Mike Moustakas — Ned Yost and Dayton Moore both stated that the Moose would remain the teams starter at third base, leading me to suspect some kind of blackmail is going on. And why would you even want a Moose at third base? At least choose an animal that has opposable thumbs…

Wil Myers — 2-for-4, 1 R, 1 RBI. Some pointed to two weeks ago as the last chance to buy-low on Myers. The point is to not tell Myers…

Chris Parmelee — 1-for-5, 1 R, 1 HR (2), 2 RBI (4). Hitting .350 the last seven days, and does have some pop, but is really only deep league relevant. Though, I could see a possible Jack’s Hit of the Week appearance, hint-hint, wink-wink. No, stop looking at me like that J-FOH. I’m not hitting on you…

Glen Perkins — 1.0 IP, 4 H, 3-0 K/BB, 2 ER, BS (2). Blew his second save of the season, because even closers who have some how managed to keep their jobs admist Closermageddon can’t have nice things.

Gregory Polanco — I just put him here so I could pretend he was in the major leagues. Can you blame me?

Anthony Rizzo — 2-for-3, 2 R. Finally made the change to Wu-Tang Financial and taking the their advice to heart.

Trevor Rosenthal — 1.2 IP, 0 H, 1-1 K/BB, 0 ER, S (11). Kevin Siegrist went a third of an inning, immediately walking two batters along with giving up a hit and earned run, cementing the fact that no one cares about closing for the Cardinals. With a 4.74 ERA, I doubt Rosenthal cares either.

Tyson Ross — 7.0 IP, 3 H, 8-5 K/BB, 1 ER, W (5-3). The WHIP ain’t pretty, but the ERA, do you love it? I love it. I got it at Ross. (Sorry.)

CC Sabathia — Dr. James Andrews, really antsy to do something to Sabathia (when does dieting enter into the conversation?), found a “degenerative change” in his right knee. I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty sure high cholesterol is degenerative. Sabathia will receive a cortisone and stem cell shot to aid the tissue, as his previous regime of injecting brown gravy gave mixed results with a side of diabetes.

Danny Salazar — 4.0 IP, 5 H, 3-2 K/BB, 2 ER, L (1-4). Welp, Salazar appears to be taking the two steps forward, three steps back, one step forward, nine steps back, half-step forward, stand still for a while, and then just lay down approach. Not really a winning strategy, but hey, to each his own. If a pitcher can’t pitch past the fifth inning, they have for a name that in baseball. Gah, what it is it, right on the tip of my tongue… Right fielder? No, that’s not it. Rumpelstiltskin? GAH, KILL IT WITH FIRE. Rheumatoid arthritis? Eh…, that doesn’t sound right. Oh! I know! Relievers! That’s it, relievers…

Jonathan SingletonAstros GM Jeff Lunhow said yesterday that Singleton is “on deck”. Uh, yeah, no he isn’t. I checked. Since the Astros didn’t even play yesterday, all I saw were several grounds-keeper’s and a whole bunch of empty. Also, in totally unrelated news, Jonathan Singleton seems close to being called up. I’d recommend him as a pick-up for your starting line-up, except when playing away games in Seattle or Denver.

Kurt Suzuki — 3-for-5, 2 R. Hitting .312/.386/.404 with 25 RBI’s so far this season. I just… I don’t know anymore.

Mike Trout — 1-for-4, 1 R, 1 HR (8), 3 RBI (27). What did Trout say when he hit a concrete wall? “Dam!”. HUURRRRRRR.

Will Venable — 1-for-3. Venable didn’t start taking off last season until I filled-in for the Saturday Round-Up and starting talking him up, so let’s just say that today’s hit and walk might be the start of something. It better be, since the alternative at this point might be defenstration.

Yordano Ventura — 6.1 IP, 7 H, 9-1 K/BB, 2 ER, L (2-3) He’s not Yordano Ventura with the season he’s had so far, nope. He’s Mydano Ventura. Get it? Get it? You’ll get there. Just be patient.

Michael Wacha — 7.0 IP, 7 H, 5-0 K/BB, 2 ER, W (3-3). Writing a Michael Wacha blurb is probably the hardest thing known to man, because all that you hear in your head when trying to think of something clever is WACHA-WACHA-WACHA. Try it out for yourself. Seriously. Tell me I’m wrong. I just snapped out of a thirty minute WACHA-fest because my nose started to bleed.

Rickie Weeks — 3-for-4, 1 R, 1 HR (1), 1 RBI (5). Whoa, slow down there buddy. You might pull something… trying to be fantasy relevant and all.

Chase Whitley — 4.2 IP, 2 H, 4-2 K/BB, (ND). In the epic showdown between two players no one has ever heard of, only one earned run was shed between Whitley and the opposing pitcher, Jacob deGrom. Which begs the question: Can we haz PEDs back?

Asher Wojciechowski — About 1-2 weeks away from beginning a rehab assignment. Not that it’s a forgone conclusion he gets added to the big league roster, or that anyone should care, but I wanted to include him in the notes because I’ve gotten so good at spelling Samardzija, that I’m looking for the next challenge.

Kolten Wong — Was hitting .344 with 5 steals before getting promoted, and then promptly gets the flu and goes straight to the bench. You’re doing it Wong bro.

 

Want more of the Jay? Don’t we all folks? Don’t. We. All. Well, you, in fact, can have more. AMAZING. I know. You can find Jay enjoying his new dig’s running the Football side of Razz.

 
  1. Leeroy Jenkins says:
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    I Juant to add Juan Francisco…but I’d have to drop Cuddyer. 10’team H2H points…

    Juan is 2-20 against lefties…that’s like my only worry
    Cuddyer might get platooned with Justin More?NO! at first and Dickerson in the outfield
    Juan is only 26 and this feels like this could potentially be another E-5 in the making.

    what do you think? Which Juan should I Juant more?

    • @Leeroy Jenkins: Id rather have Cuddyer, though I’ve never played in a points league and don’t know if that makes him worth less. I just can’t see Francisco keeping this up, and, yes, if you have him you’d have to sit him against lefties if at all possible.

      • Toe Knee Arm Ass says:
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        @Enrique: did you claim Trumbo Enrique?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Leeroy Jenkins: Leaning Cuddyer. Still in SSS with Juan… though he’s good to ride while hot…

    • Nick The Podcast Host

      Nick The Podcast Host says:
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      @Leeroy Jenkins: Keep Cuddy… John Frank ain’t nothing special.

      • Ra'zball Al Ghul says:
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        @Nick The Podcast Host: He will come back down to earth soon – his bAbIP is .395 for a .293 AVG, with a lot of K’s

  2. Maddog says:
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    The Mighty Duck man, I swear to God, I was there..

    Would it be a fortuitous situation to have accidentally accepted a trade offer of their Rizzo for my best closer, David Robertson? I have 2 or 3 other closers, I think.

    • Bi-Felicia says:
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      @Maddog: rizzo easily imo

    • @Maddog: I’d rather have Rizzo. But how can you not know exactly how many closers you have not counting Robertson?

      • MadDog says:
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        @Enrique: Because some of the “closers” are in a committee

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Maddog: Yeah, have to go Rizzo… it’s not close.

  3. Troy: The Collector

    troy says:
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    “I just put him here so I could pretend he was in the major leagues. Can you blame me?” lol this made me laugh… Not as much as the Pirates organization…. but still a good chuckle.

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @troy: It’s funny because it’s true!

  4. Alex says:
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    got me so excited with polanco but then…..

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Alex: I’m a tease!

  5. MB says:
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    Nothing about Mejia? Was hoping to know if he is an add over Oviedo? Balfour is toast

    • Wallpaper Paterson says:
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      @MB: I would add him over Oviedo. Of course, I already have him.

    • SallyCips says:
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      @MB: loop
      Balfour isn’t toast. Maddoning has an itchy trigger finger. GBal is vet enough to get out of that situation himself. Hate Maddon.

      • Travis says:
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        @SallyCips: I think the issue is there is no one chomping to replace him… Peralta is the likely candidate. 5.36 ERA, 7.36 over the last week… Boxberger? Looks decent with 2.53, but he served up the HR last night, and while talented, he has little consistent MLB experience and has never closed.

        • Travis says:
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          @Travis: sorry, iphone posted before done… Oviedo is on par with Box, little MLB experience, never closed, and Joe seems to be favoring Boxberger more than Oviedo anyhow (though last night might change that)…. Maybe McGee?

          • Steve says:
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            @Travis:
            Oviedo is/was Leo Nunez and closed umpteen games for the fish.

        • Jay

          Jay says:
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          @Travis: Concur… but if someone ‘deserves’ it, has to be McGee.

          • Nick The Podcast Host

            Nick The Podcast Host says:
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            @Jay: Agree.

          • Travis says:
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            @Jay: agree, but not sure Joe is ready to pull that trigger…. Though I still have no idea why we went out and got Balfour, of all the options. Second year in a row the bullpen kills us.

            • Jay

              Jay says:
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              @Travis: Probably more about value than anything…

      • Jay

        Jay says:
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        @SallyCips: I’m leaning this way…

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @MB: I think he is. I don’t know on Balfour… the Rays usually like to sit on things like this. Though I would add McGee if I was a Balfour owner.

  6. Sea says:
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    No Denver because of the legal marijuana in the state?

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Sea: You sea what’s up.

  7. bossmanjunior says:
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    Jay my man!

    Help me pick a streamer if you please…

    Elias @MIN
    Koehler @SF
    Ubaldo @KC
    Wood vMIL
    Peralta @CHC
    Vogelsong vMIA

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @bossmanjunior: Elias, yup. Though, I’d find a way to get Ubaldo in there… been riding a nice little streak.

  8. costaricanchata says:
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    get with the melocotón .

  9. Frank says:
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    Somebody’s had to have mentioned this already, but Yordano is definitely sitting on the best untapped nickname in sports: the Pet Detective.

    That being said, should I be looking to trade him before he becomes the newest canvas for Dr. Andrews? Guys who consistently throw 99 mph for 2 hours a week seem like they’d be at a higher risk to end up in his office.

    • Bi-Felicia says:
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      @Frank: And the rest of the royals offense can sit on a fat dick. New name for Must Suck Ass – AAA Bat Boy

      • Nick The Podcast Host

        Nick The Podcast Host says:
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        @Bi-Felicia: I think I just walked into the wrong conversation, I’ll see myself to the door.

    • JeF With 1 F says:
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      @Frank: I think he’d rather be called ACE Ventura than the Pet Detective

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Frank: I’m more worried about his secondary stuff… but I’ve seen pitchers succeed with less.

      At this point, any pitcher is at a profound risk. We’re losing everybody.

    • UncleLarryWalker says:
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      @Frank: From what I read- it’s surprisingly not about how hard you throw, but the torque used on the ligaments. So guys who throw sliders, or 12-6 curves are much more likely to get TJ. That being said- guys who throw that breaking stuff also usually come equipped with a hi-90s fast ball, so it’s not exactly mutually exclusive…

  10. booty says:
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    Nice writeup

  11. J-FOH says:
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    You like my sexy eyes….I’ll cook for you. We can have eggplant parmalee

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @J-FOH: This is actually tempting…

      • J-FOH says:
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        @Jay: reeling you in

        • Jay

          Jay says:
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          @J-FOH: It’s really not that hard.

          • J-FOH says:
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            @Jay: A bottle of makers mark and…nope just the bottle

  12. Bi-Felicia says:
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    I live 7 blocks from the Indy Indians stadium. And have gone to a few games this month. Gentlemen, Let me tell you how excited I am about Mr. Manbeast Greg Polanco! I just jizzed a bit…Anyways All field power, speed, Excellent coordination, the swing from this lumberjack. Holy Fking Shizz. ( more pre jizz) I watched him rake curves, splitters, 2 seamer away landed like 2 miles down on Meridian St. Lol Get ready boys. The beast is coming!

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @Bi-Felicia: That’s a lot of jizz. Seems warranted though…

      • Ra'zball Al Ghul says:
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        @Jay: LoL… ewwww

  13. costaricanchata says:
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    wait .
    have been waiting up ,
    for Grey’s daily (almost) article .
    checked the date a couple of times (to make sure it’s not saturday) .
    started getting worried that he might be sick , or worse .
    thought that i’d check in one last time , before going off to bed ,
    and just now realized that you’re pinch-hitting for him .
    Good Lord … save us now .

    wait .
    this isn’t some elaborate ruse to entice
    that guy who likes to impale himself on flagpoles
    to return , is it ?
    i mean , how weird is that ?
    yeah , we get it .
    he’s got the hots for you .
    (not that there’s anything wrong with that … is there ?)

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @costaricanchata: To be honest, I’m not sure Grey even knows who I am or how I have access to this site…

    • Nick The Podcast Host

      Nick The Podcast Host says:
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      @J-FOH:@costaricanchata: We’ve let the Malibu PD know Grey is missing.

  14. John says:
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    Too funny. Thanks for the (way too early) Friday morning laugh. It made swallowing Jerk-Ofer7’s stats that much easier to swallow.

    Who would you cut ties with sooner, him or Ozuna?

    • SonnyD says:
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      @John: @John:
      You shouldn’t swallow that early in the morning. Or, maybe you should.

      • Jay

        Jay says:
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        @SonnyD: Ultimate coin-flip scenario.

    • JeF With 1 F says:
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      @John: Ozuna

    • Jay

      Jay says:
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      @John: Thanks! Eh, I’m still sticking with Gyorko. I feel like giving up on him now, at this point, means someone is going to get his regression… and all that pain was for nothing. He simply can’t be *this* bad.

  15. JeF With 1 F says:
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    FACT OF THE DAY:

    The watermelon seed spitting world record is 70 feet