John Rocker said baseball was ābetter with steroids.ā Sure it is, if you enjoy atrophic testicles and 980 foot home runs. Atrophic testicles are also available at Guy Fieriās American Kitchen. Winner, winner, gonad dinner. John Rocker loves his āroids. He also said other incredibly āpoignantā things that can be enjoyed in his new childrenās book, Itās a Small World (Who Let the Asians in). Hey, Iām no literary critic and Iām certainly no doctor, Iām a guru dammit, but steroids are bad for your spunk tanks and bad for your fake baseball team. This whole Biogenesis thing is ugly, but the real tragedy is the impact onĀ the fantasy universe! The steroid hammer of death is about to fall on the junk of Nelson Cruz, Everth Cabrera, Jhonny Peralta and of course John Rockerās new housemate on Spike TVās Iām a Celebrity Doucheā¦Get Me Out of Here, Alex Rodriguez. Melky Cabrera and Bartolo Colon may have dodged the wrath of Bud, so light a candle, kick Melky to the curb and hold onto Colon for now. The rest will be gone for the year and sipping HGH fortified Manischewitz with the original fallen hammer, Ryan Braun. If you have not got a jump start on your league mates already, consider todayās blog a syringeful of anabolic fantasy help. Hope we donāt grow man boobs. Or maybe I do. Itās time to jam it or cram it. Weāre on the juice!
Availability: 90% Yahoo, 99% ESPN
Stats Last Week: 2 R, 1 HR, 4 RBI, .500 AV
The Gist: With Nelson Cruz poised to sit his zit covered bum down until the foreseeable future, you are going to need a power hitting outfielder. Gentleman and four lady readers, say hello to Cody Ross. Ross knocked 22 homers last season in Boston. So far this year, Ross has six home runs for the D-Backs. Itās been a terrible year for Ross. Heās been like Colonel Kurtz watching snails crawling on the edge of a straight razor for most of the season. The horror, the horror. Now you need him. Since the start of July heās hit .362, with a couple of homers, 11 RBI, 11 runs and three stolen bases. Against lefties, heās your Platoony Tunes poster boy this year with a .376 average and four home runs.
Key Stat: Ross has 63 career home runs from July-September.
X-File: After calling Sox GM Ben Cherington a liar, Ross promptly went 4-5 with a homer and 3 RBI against his former team on Friday. Somewhere in the bowels of Fenway Park, John Henry uttered, āRelease the hounds.ā
Jam it or Cram it: *cue the Wagner* Ross is out there operating without any decent restraint, totally beyond the pale of any expectable human conduct. Add with extreme prejudice. Expect numbers the rest of the way. JAM.
Availability: 91% Yahoo, 90% ESPN
Stats Last Week: 3 R, 2 HR, 6 RBI, .426 AV
The Gist: If E-Cab is currently manning your second base position itās time to punt. Uncle Bud is sending him to the bench. Hey, I thought the āroid guys would be built like a Bunyan, too. Time to grab the hot infielder and ride him into the playoffs. What, youāre going to wait around for appeals? The hottest infielder over the past week is Ryan Raburn and Ry-Ray certainly deserves some attention. Heās hitting .387 over the past 30 games with four homers and 11 RBI. If youāre in an OPS league his 30-game 1.084 will make you smile like Tony Bosch finding out the feds arenāt going to kick in the door of the condo.
Key Stat: Slugging .544 in about 200 plate appearances this year.
X-File: Raburnās strikeout percentage is 24.1%. That kind of number causess most to look into making a Winstrol investment. Amiright, Melky? *awkward looks*
Jam or Cram: Cleveland manager Terry Francona has been careful with this bat and doesnāt play him every day. However, four days a week of solid production and multiple position eligibility beats seven days of nothing from Dustin Ackley. JAM.
Availability: 91% Yahoo
The Gist: Jhonny Peralta was hitting a surprising .305 with 10 homers and we all rejoiced in our late round discovery. Little did we know he was juiced up to his jhonny. Now weāre left holding the āhā and what, Stephen fān Drew is our answer? No way. Itās Xander time. Bogaerts has certainly received his share of Razzball love here, here and here. The 20-year-old Bogaerts is still marinating down in the minors, but will get the call up within the next two weeks. The natural shortstop most likely will play third base when he gets the call.
Key Stat: In 99 games between Double-A and Triple-A, Bogaerts has hit .300 with 14 home runs, 59 RBI and 7 steals.
X-File: Bogaerts is hitting .371 with a 1.035 OPS in the past two weeks. Get him to Boston already! Don’t bogart my Xander.
Jam it or Cram it: In keeper leagues Iāve had Bogaerts stashed since April. In other leagues Iām grabbing him where I can, lighting candles, praying to my George Scott bobble head and writing his name all over my Trapper Keeper. Bogaerts looks like a canāt miss of Manny Machado–style proportions. Heās so good I wish I could snort him. If Bogaerts gets 40 games the rest of the way I could see 8-10 homers and a .285 average. JAM.
Availability: 78% Yahoo, 96% ESPN
Stats Last Week: 5 R, 2 HR, 6 RBI, .375 AV
The Gist: Nobody currently owns Yasmani Grandal, I hope. If you do, you probably auto-drafted and havenāt checked your team since April. What are you doing here? Oh, you did a search for midget porn and it brought you here. Please see Tehol. Grandal is one of the Biogenesis guys and will get the hammer of Bud tomorrow and no one cares. *one lonely tear* However, if youāre a catcher in theĀ streamer like me thereās some hot schmotatoes right now and Alex Avila is one of them.
Key Stat: Avila has 13 hits in his last 10 games. Bake him a cake!
X-File: Avila just raised his average to .200. Shove cake in his face!
Jam it or Cram it: Since I wait until late rounds when drafting a catcher, Avila was a guy I picked up way back when. I expected a solid season. That didnāt happen and I banished him to the waiver wire by the time May rolled around. I think Iāll leave him right there. CRAM.
*Bonus Tracks* The All Steroid Streamers
Thanks for playing alongĀ Razzballerās. The Goo is starting a “bring up Xander” letter writing campaign today, but is available for all your jammer crammer questions. Follow The Guru on Twitter @TheGuruGSĀ for the daily jam or cram, fantasy roster 411ās and other gooey shenanigans.