C.J. Wilson doesn’t really know what’s going on unless Twitter tells him.  He tweeted out Mike Napoli’s phone number.  He watches Shark Week.  He has a big TV.  He hasn’t watched his TV since November.  His TV is bigger than his car.  His car is big.  He watches Lost reruns, out of order.  He wears Old Spice, on his head.  He is a Taoist.  He thinks a Taoist has something to do with wearing a towel while being interviewed.  He told a guy to wash his mouth out with soap.  He listens to Killswitch Engage, which Google tells me is a metalcore group.  Even Google didn’t know what metalcore was.  Four ladies and gentlemen, those were all C.J. Wilson quotes.  Yesterday, he continued his dominance with a performance of 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 3.18.  So, you’re saying after Curtis Jackson Wilson was mollywhopped in his first start of the year, I should’ve held him?  Since his first start, he’s thrown 34 innings with a 2.12 ERA and he has more Ks than innings pitched.  He’s hard to like him because of his all-around douchebaggery, but his numbers aren’t lying and right now they’re saying he’s a strong fantasy number two.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Bryan Holaday – 1-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs.  Fun fact!  In Spain, you say good morning, “Hola day.”

Austin Jackson – 0-for-1, 1 run and three walks.  The NSA intercepted cellphone calls between Austin Jackson and Tigers manager, Brad Ausmus.  Here’s what they heard, “Hey, Skip, I can be your leadoff hitter!”  “What kind of defense can you play?”  “Um, solid, I guess.  Skip, I’m taking walks now.”  “Can you block balls in the dirt?”  “Um, maybe.”  “I’ll consider you.  Now hit the showers!”  “I’m calling you from my car.” “Then drive through a car wash with the windows open!”

Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Nothing fancy, but just a good, reliable start from The Golem.

Dayan Viciedo – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .348.  He cooled off pretty abruptly leading up to this game — three for his last 16 — but maybe this is the start of another schmotato run.

Zach McAllister – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  Yeah, there’s some room in the Indians rotation for Bauer.

Aaron Harang – 4 2/3 IP, 9 ER.  I’m reminded of Project Runway Tim Gunn’s metaphor.  Tim Gunn said, “I have this refrain about the monkey house at the zoo.  When you first enter into the monkey house, you think, ‘Oh my god, this place stinks!’ And then after you’re there for 20 minutes you think, ‘It’s not so bad’ and after you’re there for an hour it doesn’t smell at all.”  If you thought The Harangutan was gonna be good all year, you were in the monkey house too long.

Nate Eovaldi – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks.  The nicest thing I can say is I wish I had him on every team.  You can imagine how well my nuptials went over when that was the nicest thing I could say.

Christian Yelich – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his first homer.  The fan who caught the ball returned it so Yelich could have all his classmates sign it, but then Yelich lost the ball, thinking he put it in his book bag and, boy, was he bummed, saying, “Geez, anyone see it?  I wanted to show my Mom.”

Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  OZUNA was recently dropped in the order and you just don’t do that to OZUNA.  OZUNA no like.

Casey McGehee – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .297.  One month in, the Marlins are top ten for OPS, OBP, AVG and runs.  Yup.

Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .299 with a .409 OBP and hitting near .400 in the last week.  Reggie Roby is smiling down, admiring the hang time on some birds and proud of you for punting catcher.  You made dead Reggie Roby happy!

Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-3 as he was activated from paternity leave.  Him and his wife had twins.  I have two child names for you, Jedd — Oferthree and Oferfour.

Jace Peterson – 1-for-3 and his 2nd steal; he’s been playing 3rd base for the injured Headley.  He doesn’t offer much, except bona fide, old fashioned, crazy-as-fudge SAGNOF! (42 steals in his last minor league season albeit in High-A.)  His bat may not play in the majors, but speed translates everywhere like a nice tush.

Brandon Hicks – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, his fourth this week.  No, it won’t continue forever, but you can pick him up while it is going on.

Tim Hudson – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, 2.17 ERA on the year.  Maybe he’s trying to make sure he doesn’t get ignored for a journeyman 1st baseman if someone does a movie about the 2014 Giants.

Tony Cingrani – 4 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks and pulled after 79 pitches.  After his next bad start, I’m guessing we’re gonna hear that he’s dealing with a dead arm, which sounds like the first step in ‘Doing the Bernie,’ but it’s not.

Zack Cozart – 2-for-4.  I said yesterday that he was a hot schmotato.  Today, I say, “What Tuesday Grey said!”

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-1, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer.  HR to the Rizzo!

Junior Lake – 2-for-5, 2 runs.  Really would love to see what Lake could do if the Cubs just played him every day rather than jerking his chain around and playing Kalish, the Destroyer of Lake’s Value, though with a formal title like that it’s not surprising.

Starlin Castro – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .308.  Fun fact!  Starlin Castro is also the name of the lead character in the Cuban staged adaption of The Silence of the Lambs.  The other main character is Hannibal Kennedy who loves a nice Chianti with pinto beans.

Robbie Ross – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER.  Ro-Ro looked more ruh-roh.

Jesse Chavez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Bfweoibfdcsvn–  Sorry, was banging my head on the keyboard.  Sonavabench!  But you didn’t pitch well vs. the Astros in your last start!  Why couldn’t you have pitched well there so I would’ve started you yesterday?  Ugh.  So, his so-called demise after one mediocre start might’ve been a tad premature like your moments of ecstasy.  Of course, when a 30-year-old comes out of nowhere, it’s always a bit risky, but there is nothing in his peripherals that are screaming he’s not to be trusted every time out.  O&S (Own and Start; acronyms are somewhat less effective when you need to explain them.)  The Stream-o-Nator even faintly likes his next start, and SON doesn’t get excited about anything with a small sample size.  That’s what she said!  Huh?

Coco Crisp – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer.  On the fo’really, if I could hang out with one major league baseball player, I’d choose Coco Crisp.  No sarcasm.  How badass would it be to tell your friends that you’re hanging out with Coco Crisp?  Especially the ones that don’t know baseball.  They’d think you were a total fruit loop.  Pun point!

Derek Norris – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and now hitting .386.  Not sure if the A’s would ever officially say Norris is the starter and there’s no platoon, because platooning is the new Moneyball, but for our porpoises — hey, dolphins! — Norris looks like the starter for now.  He should get one of our Being in a Platoon is a Full-Time Job shirts.

Alberto Callaspo – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI.  Basically, everyone on the A’s had multiple hits as they racked up 12 runs.  Well, except Josh Reddick (0-for-3).  Ticker tease!

Andre Ethier – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .227.  Marla Gibbs called, she wants her address back!

Zack Greinke – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I look profoundly wrong on my preseason call to stay away from Greinke.  His velocity is still eroding like a beach that Al Gore has in a slideshow, but his peripherals look fantastic.

Clayton Kershaw – Struck out nine in his final rehab start.  Only if you had a rehab slot instead of an N/A one.

Melky Cabrera – Left yesterday’s game with a bruised shin.  He said it feels tender.  I’m sure it’s not as tender if he would’ve braised it.

Drew Hutchison – 7 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I’d say he looks like the most effective Blue Jays pitcher, but that’s not giving him enough credit.  His peripherals don’t scream out regression right ahead like a nerdy captain of the Titanic.

Yordano Ventura – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, pulled after 92 pitches.  I was watching Cingrani, so honestly have no idea how he only pitched five innings with that few baserunners and Ks.  Was it “Foul ball for the first 10,000 fans in attendance” night?

Tyler Chatwood – Hit the DL.  Now he’ll have more time for what someone with his name is much better for, gay pornographic video chatting!

Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer.  Au Shucks!

Adam LaRoche – Sat out with a sore quad.  Whenever I hear sore quad, I think of an angry Murderball player.  Is that bad?

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Houston.  When J, Z like Zorro, get in that Asstro, better luck tomorrow.

Anthony Rendon – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer.  He homered off the AstrosPaul Clemens, who’s been far more successful than Ralph Pettitte.

Danny Espinosa – 2-for-4 and a slam & legs.  His third homer and third steal.  He should see Hunter Pence about Stats OCD; it’s a real condition.

Chris Carter – 0-for-4, 2 Ks.  Hurry-K’d Carter!

Alex Cobb – Threw a bullpen session and is still about a month away.  Trying to stay optimistic, but can’t help think that’s a full month to have a setback.  Lowercase yay.

Jean Segura – Will return from plastic surgery on Thursday.  Out of context, that could’ve been a line from TMZ.  Be cool if they unwrap Segura’s face and it reveals Nicholas Cage’s face.

Matt Garza – 3 IP, 5 ER, but left the game with a thumb contusion.  And here I thought he left early cause he was suckin’ up the suckhole of life.

Carlos Gomez – 2-for-5 and his 7th homer.  When people say CarGo, the better player is thought of, only I’m not sure which one is better.

Mark Reynolds – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Speaking of which, he faces Homer Bailey today and I grabbed him for a batty call.  The Hitter-Tron was bit blasé on it, but the Hitter-Tron was also distracted, diddling himself to an issue of Popular Mechanics.

Matt Adams – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  I’m not embarrassed to say I was turned on when they showed Adams’s homer in slo-mo and his moobs did a slow jiggle.

Jon Jay – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI.  The Federalist was oh-for-the-last-week coming into the game, but he does tend to get hot in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana.

Allen Craig – 4-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, still only hitting .220.  He will be hitting .300 by May 15th.  Wanna bet me?  C’mon, I’m not good for it anyway!

Shelby Miller – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K.  His season ERA of 3.15 still looks tasty, but I haven’t liked him since the preseason and still don’t like him at all.  I.e., you should really consider moving him in a trade.  I.e., ignore me at your own peril.  I.e., I am your Fantasy Master Lothario now bow down.  I.e., what was I saying?  I.e., what does i.e. even mean?  I.e., how do I end this sentence?  I.e., I can’t with a question.  I.e., that’ll do.

  1. gareth says:

    The Wilson performance wasn’t a suprise. Lefties have been kryptonite to the tribe offense this year.

    Actually, almost every starting pitcher has been kryptonite to the Indians offense so far.

    • Lville Jim says:

      @gareth: The Tribe has been craptonite unto themselves thus far.

  2. Mike says:

    Do you like Shelby longterm for dynasty’s?

    • Grey

      Grey says:

      @Mike: Eh, not especially

  3. YeahJeets says:

    1. Recently traded Abreu, Pedroia, Simmons, and Zimmerman for Beltre, Hanley, and Cliff Lee, no brainer I got the better end right?

    • Don the Jewler says:

      Beltre ..yikes.. he ain’t right this year. I would try and deal him

    • Moronymous Lohse says:

      @YeahJeets: Not trolling, but right now I like the Abreu side. And if Freddie Gonzalez would get his head out of his heiny and bat Simmons in the two-hole where he should be (heh – heiny…two-hole) he could have a top 10 year at the SS position. That’s not a Nazi reference. Admittedly, Simmons is only 15th on the ESPN player rater at short.

      You traded away a pretty solid infield. Bold move. Hope it works out for you. I just worry about injuries on the BHC side more though almost all of those players on both sides of the deal are/have been dinged.

    • bobbytron says:

      @YeahJeets: when you have to ask on the razzball commenters board for encouragement about your decisions you know you effed up!

  4. Simply Fred

    simply fred says:

    “Oferthree and Oferfour” still laughing…still…


  5. Baggiejohn says:

    Good work sir … ‘Oferthree’ and ‘Oferfour’ made me laugh!

    Mrs Gyorko says the twins suck … she’s such a hater.

  6. My Minor Likes Female Pujols says:

    If I can only pick up one– Gee or Jesse Chavez?
    Also someone dropped Frazier for some reason in a 13 team league. Ozuna Springer or Frazier for my UTIL slot?

    Thanks! Very entertaining run down

    • Hawk says:

      @My Minor Likes Female Pujols:

      Chavez has two tasty matchups next week, both at home, against Seattle and Harper-less Washington.

      I just picked him as a streamer for next week in my 10 team 5×5 roto.

  7. DonkeyKong says:

    Senor grey, How much money of 400 FAAB dollars would you spend to acquire Homer Bailey in a weekly pickup league? I feel like all-in may be necessary – I can always spend zero dollars for weekly or replacement guys if I need them, but an owner abandoned ship. What’re your throughts?

    Also, I’m just gonna give a shout out to the Marlins. They have multiple people worth owning!! I’m in an OBP,SLG league with Yelich, Stanton, and Eovaldi, and I’m loving it out here. Mmm mmm mmm.

  8. AL KOHOLIC says:

    i grabbed C. J. yesterday for a spot start and benched Chavez in another league,but i also had Ventura and zimmerman going,heres to Adams getting smoking hot right abouy now

  9. Picard56 says:

    Vote for Pedro!

  10. costaricanchata says:

    @ Grey :

    ” if you smile at me , i will understand ,
    because that is something , everybody everywhere
    does in the same language ”

    ” … but speed translates everywhere like a nice tush. ”

    c’est la meme chose .

  11. costaricanchata says:

    happy may day !! …. ( you commies ) .

    • Mrs. Featherbottom says:

      @costaricanchata: Huzzah! “The working class and the employing class have nothing in commom” – IWW. That is why I run the waiver wire like a boss.

  12. Jack says:

    According to your Steamer ROS tool (which is a great tool but unfortunately doesn’t have eyes to watch the games ….or does it?) the following pitchers are ranked in order:

    Where do you disagree?

    • Grey

      Grey says:

      @Jack: It does…. Anibal one then same order

  13. tjw4404 says:

    Drop Castro for Salty or nah?

    • Wake Up says:

      @tjw4404: LOL

      • Ra'zball Al Ghul says:

        @Wake Up: VIDA BLUE

    • Grey

      Grey says:

      @tjw4404: If you like, prolly neither here nor there

  14. Tom says:

    Would love to uprgrade my Lindstrom. Should I wait until the A’s put JJ in for a save then grab him, grab Santos if he gets another save chance and converts, grab Rondon now (he was ready to save last night), or hold?

    • Birdmann says:

      @Tom: grab JJ now, if you wait he’ll be gone or at least he should be in a 12 teamer.

  15. Jimbob says:

    Loyal reader, first time commenter. Drop Marty Perez, Buchholz or Gregorson for Jesse Chavez? Sick of holding Gregorson but not sure if JJ really has the job back yet. Thanks!

      • Jimbob says:

        @Grey: thanks!

  16. Tim Lin says:

    Hi Grey,

    is it worth to drop Corey Dickerson for Colabello?

    Thank you

  17. elipitt says:

    Stay patient with Springer or cut him loose? 12 team mixed.

    • Hawk says:


      Who would you get in his place?

      I’d probably hold unless you got someone good in return.

  18. Battle of the Sleepers says:

    Drew Hutchison, Ian Kennedy, or Josh Beckett are available… Martin Perez, Collin McHugh, Trevor Bauer are my bottom three… Drop any, or hold?

    • Don the Jewler says:

      Hutchinson and Kennedy are solid the rest are waiver wire folder, although Bauer may have value in a trade

    • Yescheese says:

      @Battle of the Sleepers: all of these guys same tier, mchugh drop Ian Kennedy pick up, just know you’re gambling with fate!!

  19. Yescheese says:

    Oh fantasy overlords!

    Why do you lock a player when a game is postponed?

    Oh fantasy overlords…