Kevin Gregg was handed his 6th blown save yesterday. He’s tizzerrible. I won’t defend him. Your honor, no questions at this time. I just don’t see the Orioles bothering to switch things up. They’re defeated. Look into their eyes and you see the shadow of Cal Ripken Jr. weeping with his back to you. His shoulders go up and down and his sniffling, that’s how you can tell he’s crying. Boog Powell asked that his BBQ stand at Camden Yards replace the pork and beans with pork and tiny violins. Maybe Jim Johnson will see saves, but I wouldn’t drink that Kool-Aid. Maybe Mike Gonzalez finally reverts to the donkeycorn he once was. Maybe Kevin Gregg gets new athletic eyewear that doesn’t make him look like a dork. The O’s average about 4 save opportunities per month. I’d hold one of them and that’s it, preferably Gregg, though that might be the wrong choice of words. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jordan Walden – Reports are saying he’s tired. Well, then go take a nap. Maybe he’s exhausted from carrying around two last names all year. If the Angels need to work around his fatigue, they’ll probably go with Takahashi or Downs. Order is a coin flip. Or as Al Pacino would say, “No, your order is a coin flip!”
Justin Morneau – He’s officially pulling a Kotchman as he suffers from mild concussion symptoms. It’s as if his brain is a chicken wing joint and it just goes up and down the Scoville scale. If I were him, I’d dip my head in bleu cheese after batting practice.
Michael Pineda – The Mariners have decided to shut down the rookie after 3 more starts. I can’t believe they’re giving up their chance at a winning season. How are they going to win 24 of their next 28 while keeping their 2nd best pitcher on the bench? Fun aside: his anagram is Pinhead Malice, which would be an awesome rock group name.
Brett Cecil – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. Seems like every year he just sets himself up to be a sleeper the following year. It’s his special purpose.
Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 with his 6th homer, a day after stealing two bags. That sound you hear is fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) rubbing their hands together in anticipation of drafting Lawrie next year.
Jair Jurrjens – 6 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Wearing a ship captain’s hat, the Fangraphs Database yelled, “Regression, right ahead!”
Wade Miley – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. When he was first called up, I said I’d watch him for mixed leagues. Well, I watched, and, well, whatevs. I’m not risking my teams precious ratios on him unless I absolutely must gamble.
Stephen Strasburg – Will return next Tuesday, i.e., the day the Nationals become relevant again. Livan Hernandez, “You know, I resent that. Also, are you going to finish that lamb chop?”
Danny Espinosa – 1-for-3 with his 19th homer. Has now hit in 6 straight games, which is a very optimistic way of saying he has one hit in each of his last 6 games.
Mike Morse – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs, 2 runs and his 23rd homer while he bats .318. His BABIP is pretty high which makes me think next year when you have to draft him before the last rounds, he’s gonna disappoint. As Shakira sang, BABIPs don’t lie.
Javier Vazquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Was it too much to ask for him to do this in April before I dropped him from all my teams? I will now go step on the business end of a rake.
Mike Stanton – 3-for-4 with a slam & legs. His dad reminds me of Jim Leyland.
Hanley Ramirez – Left his rehab start after his shoulder acted up. It didn’t have the range for Hamlet.
Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers as he beat up on the M’s and Mike Carp in what I’ll dub as The Fish Bowl. Trout has homers now in his last two games. The only problem is the Angels have played other games in that time while Trout’s sat on the bench. With only two starts in the last week, it’s hard to fully get behind him.
Henry Sosa – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. Did he splash water in his face after each inning a’la Sammy? Or stick a needle in his ass? This start comes after a 6 IP, 1 ER last time out. Next time out could be 4 IP, 5 ER. I would stay away. Ixnay on the Enryhay.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-5 with a slam & legs. He’s also hitting .313 in his 150 ABs so far. With his position eligibility, I’d definitely take the flyer if he’s out there.
Doug Fister – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. Had a perfect game going into the 7th inning. Jim Joyce, “Don’t look at me!”
Alfonso Soriano – 2-for-5, and now has homers in back-to-back games and 4 homers in the last week. He’s not remotely exciting but he is currently hitting so there’s that.
Andre Ethier – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs with his 11th homer. I’d say Colletti lit a fire under him but then he’d complain of a burned bum and wanna sit out on a block of ice.
Raul Ibanez – 3-for-5 with his 17th homer while being a total Gomer to Mayberry.
Ryan Howard – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 28th and 29th homers. Would love to see a ten homer month of September from Howard. Cust kayin’.
Tim Stauffer – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Wait, what? Oh, God, no! Wait, no, c’mon. Really? *sobs, shakes fist at the sky* Why?! He’s lucky if all I do is drop him from all my teams.
Trevor Cahill – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks. Cahill always seemed to elicit the most feedback in the comments whenever I ragged on him. “No, Grey, he deserves a parade and you’re gonna make the float out of your criticism!” That’s except when he’s not pitching well. Where did all the smarter than thou’s go? Probably onto fantasy football.
Alejandro De Aza – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs with his 3rd homer. His bag is, uh, stealing bags. He’s also hitting over .350 in the last week. Thankfully he’s yet to show up at a game dressed up like Adam Goldberg. What was Lady Gaga doing at the VMAs? Did I suddenly lose touch or was that a bad SNL sketch, like the ones at the end of the show, that just went on too long? Or was she auditioning for a role in a Cassavetes movie?
Jason Motte – The newly-appointed-maybe closer worked the 8th inning while Salas got the save. Yup.
Jack Hannahan – 3-for-4 and is now batting over .400 in the last week. Where does he find the time between this and saving games for the Pirates?
Jeanmar Gomez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Could be a Cleveland streamer at any moment, i.e., stay away. BTW, this was overhead in the clubhouse yesterday, “Jeanmar, may I ask if you’re Flemish?” “Why do you ask?” “Because saying your name makes me hock up phlegm.”
Matt LaPorta – Was demoted to Triple-A. That’s right, LaPorta was shown the door.
