Hello, Total Fiasco, it’s nice of you to join us.¬† Can I just call you Total?¬† You prefer your full name?¬† Can I get you anything, Total Fiasco?¬† Bullpens scrambling?¬† Real baseball managers pulling their hair out?¬† Fantasy managers wishing they had hair to pull out?¬† How about I just give Jim Johnson the ball and step out of the way?¬† That should be to your liking.¬† While you’re waiting for a meltdown, here’s a hot towel for your face.¬† So, the A’s announced they would move to a closer committee.¬† The only thing ever done better by committee?¬† Spice in jerk seasoning.¬† The A’s have the luxury of a few options:¬† Luke Gregerson, Ryan Cook and Sean Doolittle, which makes things harder for fantasy.¬† Much easier if there’s one great handcuff and then junk behind him.¬† I’d pick up the A’s relievers in the order I listed them.¬† Saves could very well be divvied up with a little Gregerson, a little Cook and a little Doo.¬† Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Sam Fuld – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his first home run.¬† Doesn’t have much power so for Fuld, th-th-th-that’s all folks!
Dan Straily – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.¬† Now that Colabello seems to have fizzed out, the Twins are once again worth streaming against.¬† Funny how Gardenhire keeps rearranging the top of his lineup, one day Mastroianni, one day Suzuki, one day Plouffe.¬† Today, Mauer hit third after hitting 2nd for the majority of the season.¬† My question is does Gardenhire eat tea leaves, put a picture of Mauer in a toilet, evacuate himself, then read how the tea leaves are around Mauer?
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer.¬† Prior to this home run, I was going to do a complete reversal from last year and tell you to buy Donaldson in today’s Buy/Sell.¬† Now that he’s homered, it might be harder, but I would still do it.¬† He’s not as bad as he’s been.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer as he hits .167.¬† That tea leaf’s got some pep!
Avisail Garcia – Maybe he doesn’t resemble Miggy Cabrera as much as Carlos Quentin.¬† Avisail is gone for the year with a torn labrum, an injury that is rampant among female gymnasts.¬† That’s a gut punch in a few of my deep leagues.¬† Pardon me, I will now crawl into a ball and have Cougs read to me from EW.¬† “Cougs, please read me The Shaw Report again.¬† I missed what was ‘Five Minutes Ago.'”¬† The White Sox recalled Jordan Danks because Dayan Viciedo grab-and-threw one too many farts into Robin Ventura’s face.¬† Kidding, kinda.¬† Viciedo is a fart thrower.¬† With his hitting.¬† Let’s go to the next blurb, shall we?
Dayan Viciedo – 1-for-4, 1 run.¬† He should be the starter now with Danks as the 4th outfielder.¬† Danks is Noo Yawk for thanks, but it still doesn’t make him worth owning in anything but the deepest AL-Only leagues.¬† Viciedo hit 14 homers last year in 441 ABs, so we’re not exactly talking the 2nd coming of Jesus Guzman.¬† This is good news for… Next blurb!
Alejandro De Aza –¬† 0-for-3, 1 run.¬† There’s no reason he shouldn’t play every day and be owned in every league.¬† Member I had him ranked around 120 overall and then moved him into the 200’s when he was named the 4th outfielder?¬† He would now move 100 spots up again.
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer.¬† He looks like a Cuban Frank Thomas.¬† I will call him The Grande Dolor.
Alexei Ramirez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .421 as he bats in the eight hole.¬† Ex-catchers — good managers; ex-3rd basemen — idiots.
Michael Bourn – Aiming to return on April 15th.¬† Well, he better make sure he’s postmarked by then at least.
Danny Salazar – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks.¬† As commenter, MikeZ said, “Salazar had a Sandra Bernhardt sort of night. ¬†Ugly, but still kind of sexy.”¬† I have a gut feeling that Salazar’s tipping his pitches.¬† He looked totally unhittable on a majority of his pitches —¬†1st pitcher since 1900 with 10 Ks in less than 4 IP — but then there were a few where it seemed the hitters knew exactly what was coming.¬† I will bet you five over-the-internet dollars that news comes out that he was tipping.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4 and his 2nd home run.¬† Ozuna matata!¬† I love this guy.¬† Wanna a breakout player?¬† Ozuna!¬† Want a player that will be owned everywhere in three months?¬† Ozuna!¬† Want a player that will also be in my afternoon’s Buy?¬† Ozuna!¬† Want a player that people will still ask me if I like in four weeks?¬† Ozuna!
Tom Koehler – 6 IP, 2 ER,¬† 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.¬† Has real nice velocity on his fastball, can hit 94 pretty easily, which is odd since last year he had a 5.79 K-rate in 143 IP.¬† That’s miserable.¬† Yesterday, was a nice step forward and guess who he gets next?¬† The Krazy Braves.¬† Might be a nice K stream.
Doug Fister – Cleared to throw off the mound.¬† Probably will be back early-May.¬† At least I’d give Fister a fighting chance.
Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer.¬† Now Matt Williams has decided Desmond needs to hit 7th, just in front of ‘Hurricane’ Sandy Leon.¬† I don’t mind Rendon at the top of the lineup, but McLouth, who is hitting .000, probably doesn’t need to be there too.¬† Matt Williams is making a strong case to replace Karl Pilkington.
Jayson Werth – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, a slam & legs, which included his 2nd home run in as many games.¬† Werth really proving his worth.¬† Almost palindrome!
Andrelton Simmons – Scratched with a jammed wrist.¬† With that jam, we’ll see if he can avoid the DL and dig into his preserves.
Justin Upton – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers, his first two of the season.¬† He finally remembered it’s April!
David Hale – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks.¬† Well, definitely wasn’t a light rain.
Krispie Young – Played in an extended spring training game.¬† Don’t they call them a tie when they get to extra innings?
Eric Young Jr. – 3-for-5, 4 runs, and three steals, now five on the year.¬† I hate paying for steals, which is why I wish I owned Young on every team.¬† SAGNOF!
Curtis Granderson – 0-for-3, with his 2nd steal, hitting .125.¬† That’s only good if you’re talking about Gallardo’s BAC.
Carlos Gomez – 3-for-5, run, RBI and he’s officially my biggest regret so far.¬† He looks like a top 20 player easily.¬† I was too low on him in the preseason.¬† Sure, he won’t hit .400 like he currently is, but a 20/30 season looks well within his reach.
Khris Davis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs.¬† What’s the over/under for how long The Davii are homerless?¬† Can I parlay it with picking which K(C)hris Davis hits one first?
Marco Estrada – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.¬† When the C.H.I.P.S. are down, who do you want on the mound?¬† E S T R A D A ! ! !¬† I’m kidding, I have absolutely no excitement for Marco Estrada.¬† I do not know why.¬† I will now check my pulse.¬† Nothing there either.¬† Call a doctor, please.
Mike Adams – Will be activated on Monday.¬† He might push for Wednesday because it reminds him of his sister.
Cole Hamels – Might need only two more rehab starts.¬† Hopefully, who else is going to teach rooks how things are done?!
Randall Delgado – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER.¬† I used to enjoy the thought of Randall Delgado, now I look forward to him being bumped from the rotation for Josh Collmenter.¬† Times change, I suppose.¬† That was a non-rhyming poem.
Mike Morse – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and hitting .400.¬† Yes, he should be owned.¬† Yes, by you.
Clay Buchholz – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.¬† I liked him better when he was lathering up for GTL.
Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.¬† Either he was reading Gardenhire’s tea leaves or he was using pine tar.¬† I guess since he was facing Buchholz, it’s one good turn deserving another foreign substance.
David Phelps – 2 1/3 IP, 0 ER and the save.¬† Okay, but he can’t pitch that many innings that often, so it doesn’t answer who’s the closer while K-Rob is moving his groin in the right direction.¬† Probably will be some combination of Kelley, Thornton, Warren and Phelps.
R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks.¬† Your uncle calling you, “Hey, you know if there’s something wrong with our fantasy sports game website?¬† It’s now saying Dickey had a bad start.¬† I had this problem with Lincecum and Sabathia too.”
Colby Rasmus – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st home run.¬† The best thing about baseball cards going out of vogue?¬† You didn’t waste a ton of money on Rasmus and Lawrie rookie cards.
Josh Fields – 2/3 IP, 2 ER.¬† I’d say Kazaam, but I don’t even know who the closer is for the Asstros.¬† Yesterday, Anthony Bass got the save, but Qualls was used already and if pick up Bass, you’re just fishing in the wrong pond.
Jason Castro – 2-for-4 and his 2nd home run.¬† Maybe you shouldn’t have dropped him.¬† Cust kayin’.
Adrian Beltre – Grade 1 quad strain.¬† He thinks he can avoid the DL, which is the worst news you can hope for.¬† Now he’ll try to play in five days, have a setback and make things worse.¬† Bad choice of words, but a 1st grader knows that!
Travis Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.92 after two starts.¬† Last year, his ERA was 3.11 with a 4.50 xFIP.¬† In his career, he pretty consistently outperforms his xFIP.¬† Unlike previous years, his K-rate is actually well north of his career 6-ish rate.¬† I don’t buy it, and would sit on my hands for his next starts vs. the Yankees and Diamondbacks, no matter what the Stream-o-Nator says.
Junior Lake – 0-for-3.¬† The good news is he actually started a game against a righty.¬† The bad news:¬† refer back to the 0-for-3.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th home run.¬† Too bad he can’t hit for a respectable average because he could challenge the top 5 for most homers in baseball.¬† Granted, we’re not talking about 1998 when middle infielders were hitting 60-plus homers, but still.
Starling Marte – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 3rd steal.¬† Unlike a bunch of people, including ones that write for this site, I don’t dislike Marte this year.¬† 10/40 guy sounds a lot like a healthier, younger Ellsbury.
Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, but really two runs earned because Castro slid into the ball that was in the catcher’s glove at home plate, but was called safe due to the ‘no collision’ rule.¬† So, this is the intent of the new ‘no collision’ rule at home plate?¬† Cause, if so, I’d like to see a ‘no collision’ rule at every base to boost offense.¬† “Catcher throws down to 2nd base, 2nd baseman puts his glove down to tag out the runner stealing…Ooh, he blocked the bag with his glove.¬† Sorry, that’s a no collision!¬† That’s a no collision!¬† That’s a no collision!¬† Runner safe!”¬† How exciting.¬† By the by, why is this not reviewable by replay?¬† Isn’t the ‘no collision’ put in to avoid dangerous plays at home plate?¬† We can review a safe call at first, but you can’t review a rule no one understands how to implement that will definitely be the difference between a run or not?¬† Bud Selig should’ve left that rule under the dead animal that is perched on top of his bald head.