The Indians and Twins set sail for the Caribbean island of Puerto Rico to rid themselves of the cold weather. Puig should really be from there, because white people pronounce each similarly awful. “Welcome to Pwwwwwayto Rico!” This was a homecoming for Francisco Lindor (1-for-5, 2 RBIs) and he promptly hit his 2nd homer, a moonshot that went about 275 feet (but, hey, it counts). Also, taking advantage of the short fences was Michael Brantley (3-for-5, 2 RBIs, 1st homer), Jose Ramirez (3-for-5, 4th homer) and Yonder Alonso (1-for-4, 3rd homer). The video of Lindor going around the bases is all that dem feels that baseball does right. How does baseball not have a team in Puerto Rico? Talk about something that is so obvious you have to be as ignorantly run as MLB to not see it as plain as day. Move the fences back 25 feet in Hiram Bithorn Stadium, switch out the fungo bats for mofongo and let that star shine! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Corey Kluber – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.52. In that AL Central, is a 1.75 or lower ERA out of the question for Kluber? Maybe I’m too much like my father, too bold!
Byron Buxton – Missed yesterday’s game with a migraine. He tried to take four Tylenols, but popped two up, dropped one and swung and missed the last.
J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “I’m back, snitches! Oh, and get him in your lineup.”
Jarlin Garcia – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (5 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 0.86. Don’t you want to spell his name Jarlin’ with an apostrophe? Or change it to Jarling Arcia? No? Maybe it’s me. As I’ve said in the past, I don’t clear my browser history all season, so I can type, say, “Gi” and I find Giancarlo immediately, though Google then suggests “Did you mean The Swing ‘n Miss Bandit of the Bronx?” Any hoo! I typed “Ja” and immediately found Jarlin’s player page, because I’ve searched for it before. I think I’ve looked multiple times. Why relay this to you? Because it points out how forgettable he is. He’s not just a sub-1 ERA guy; he’s actively terrible.
Masahiro Tanaka – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.45. It’s the Marlins, man! “Someone asked for me?” Oh, shut up, Marlins Man! I’m wrestling with real talk when I say if I can’t trust Tanaka against the Marlins, I’m thinking I may not be able to trust him against anyone ever. Existential Grey here, and don’t get me Sartred!
Matt Duffy – Hit the DL with a hamstring strain. Apparently, Duffy isn’t rough and tough but a cream puff.
Yonny Chirinos – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.70. I’m just going to set down this Pepsi and let Jimmy Jihadi watch it while I go use the bathroom in this Afghani cave. *wakes up five hours later* Hey, cool curtains, they look like my internal organs. Wait a second! AHHHHH!!! ROOFIE!!!
Wilson Ramos – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .220. Oh my God, there’s fog on the mirror below Ramos’ nose!
Isiah Kiner-Falefa – 4-for-5, hitting .273. …And, boys and girls, that’s the story about when Ralph Kiner impregnated a falafel sandwich. This is the guy the Rangers called up to replace Profar. Let’s just say he was on the depth charts behind Profar, so that tells you a lot, but he has been hot since his call up.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-7, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, which was an absolute shot. Not sure on the exit velocity, because my Juggs gun is in the shop, but it appeared to scoot out of the yard quicker than Ted after getting into the raisins. This could be the kind of shot in the arm to get Grichuk going.
Mike Moustakas – 5-for-9, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Moistasskiss!
Lucas Duda – 2-for-8, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Thinking of Duda after a Moistasskiss makes me a little ill.
Alcides Escobar -4-for-7 and his 1st homer, hitting .173. Now on pace for nine homers. Juiced balls!
Danny Duffy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Meh, I’m pretty off Duffy, and that hasn’t changed. The Jays looked lethargic in the 2nd game of the doubleheader. The Jays had the blaises — the Jays haze? Rhyming in lieu of wit!
Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.77. It felt like a big day yesterday for the Stream-o-Nator. I had pitchers going all over the place per its suggestion. Obviously the metal rod it has for Tanaka it can shove up its metal rear can.
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .351. I’ve seen hot schmotatoes before, but Lowrie’s hot as the sunmotato in Julymotato. (Sounded better in my head!)
Mark Canha – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .368, and hit a home run a few days ago. Hot schmotato alert!
Yoan Moncada – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (2), hitting .214. The crazy run like crazy juice Tim Anderson’s drinking might’ve been left in the fridge for Moncada, because this is the 2nd day in a row with a steal. The White Sox: We’re Not Trying To Win, Unless You Mean Fantasy Teams.
Matt Kemp – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Yo, Dave Roberts, you better hurry up and get Kemp out the lineup before he proves you wrong for getting him in the lineup!
Kenley Jansen – 1 IP, 2 ER and the blown save, ERA at 8.10. You drafted him where? In the 4th round? Ouch. You should’ve SAGNOF’d. I grabbed Pedro Baez and Josh Fields, because at some point the Dodgers have to acknowledge that Kenley is not right.
Nick Pivetta – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.49. Baseball is a funny game. Not funny funny unless you count Odubel’s hair. It’s funny because Pivetta could’ve been out of the 1st inning without a run given up, and that would’ve saved him about a dozen pitches and maybe that takes him through the sixth inning, and 6 IP, 0 ER looks better than 5 IP, 1 ER, but they’re the same if the Phils turn an easy DP in the 1st inning. Like I said, not funny funny, but I do still like Pivetta a lot.
Mike Foltynewicz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.53. It was a pleasure to watch this Braves/Phils game and I started both of these SPs across multiple leagues. With that said (Grey’s turning the ship!), Pivetta’s line wasn’t as pretty as Faultyvuckovich, but Pivetta looked better.
Ender Inciarte – 3-for-5, 1 run, hitting .215. Has started slow, but he’s the eastern medicine version of David Peralta in my eyes. A ginseng root to cure your runs and when your team is feeling below average. By the way, what do rapping sherpas say in disbelief? Nepalese!
Christian Yelich – Activated from the DL but not in the starting lineup. Brewers played a man down for a few days when Yelich didn’t immediately go on the DL, and now he comes back before starting. Beginning to think Yelich views the DL like a pimple on his 15-year-old face. Put a Spongebob Band-Aid on it and get out there, you crisis actor!
Josh Hader – 2 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks and his 2nd save, ERA at 1.54. Craig Counsell should grab the mic, hold it in a real funky manner, and just tell everyone that Hader is his setup man and closer. It’s what the world wants!
Trevor Williams – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.93. He was once again great, terrific, adjective, but I’d just like to point out how much damage Tanaka did vs. the Marlins that T. Will, Pivetta and Faultywirewitz couldn’t rescue my ratios. My ratios are drowning, yo!
Chad Bettis – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks vs. Pittsburgh, ERA at 1.44. This was proof again the Pittsburgh offense is better off without Bettis.
Victor Martinez – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Ha! See! He’s not retired! Only his legs. Arms. Feet. Okay, so he’s up there swinging like a seal. So what!
Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.55. You know who the Tigers are? A team of guys that should be retired, but likely just don’t want to have to make small talk with their loved ones. Yo, Miggy, go home and talk with Miggy Jr. about the birds and bees!
Trey Mancini – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .299, as he hits leadoff. Almost sorry I endorsed him, because y’all just don’t want him. Don’t do me any favors. I think a 25-homer, .300 guy with upside has value, but if you want Teoscar, chase your dreams!
Shohei Ohtani – 2 IP, 3 ER, and left with a blister on his hand. I liked Shohei, the hitter and pitcher, better than Shohei, the middle reliever.
Mookie Betts – 3-for-3, and his 3rd, 4th and 5th homer, hitting .389. Ya Betts believe that Mookie Ballgame is the Betts!
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .231. Sonavabench! Somehow, I moved into first in one league with two bench homers (also Kemp), but that was more thanks to Corbin (we’ll get there). Any hoo! JBJ might finally be starting to pull himself out of his early-season funk. If I recall correctly, he does usually get hot as the weather does.
Rafael Devers – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer, hitting .262. Is it me (it’s not) or is Devers the least exciting middle-of-a-great-lineup, young hitter?
David Price – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Two innings in, I saw he had a no-hitter going and I was like, “That should last for another three batters.” #Nailedit Price obviously looked solid again last night, but he needs to do it for another six weeks before I trust him.
Lance McCullers – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 5.57. *looks at how many pitches McCullers threw* I’m guessing 101 curves worked, and one hung to Cano.
Chris Devenski – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save, because Ken Giles has had three scoreless appearances since 4/7 and last pitched on 4/14. Wait, that’s a not a good reason for Devenski getting the save. Oh, I know, it’s because I don’t know what the Astros are doing. My guess is Giles lost Hinch’s confidence last year, and won’t regain it. If we’re waiting for Devenski and Peacock to be bad, Giles is definitely not getting more than 15 saves this year.
Tyler Chatwood – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.60. Chatwood is not supposed to make it look hard.
Anthony Rizzo – 0-for-3, as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “I’m ready for another vacation.”
Javier Baez – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .235. If I’m being real with you, I wish I owned Baez everywhere and don’t own him anywhere. Sad emoji.
Paul DeJong – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer. A JeDong strikes again!
Bud Norris – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER and his 4th save, ERA at 1.93. What’s that expression, man makes plans and God laughs? Well, Holland (0 IP, 2 ER in the 8th) planned on being the closer and Bud and the Cards are laughing, at how often Holland’s been. Okay, maybe not laughing, but smirking and shaking their head. I’d continue to hold Holland, but Norris looks like the current closer.
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 0 walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 0.45, as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “Could you just put these in my Inbox and I’ll get to them later?”
Patrick Corbin – 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.65. Hey, I love, love, lurve Patrick Corbin. So don’t get it twisted! Unless a soft pretzel maker is reading this, then I think you have to do your job. One love, pretzel maker! But (here we go undercutting Corbin just a tad), how sad are the Giants? They were relying on Joe Panik to carry them offensively the first week of the season. No, they should just panic. They’re starting Pablo Sanodval — without irony! Which is not to say without ironing, but he doesn’t need that either because his body fills out all the wrinkles and creases. Any hoo! I told everyone to draft Corbin, then I told you again after his first start of the season to pick him up. If you don’t have him, your fault does not equal my fault.