This is not to be confused with Krispie Young. I’m squarely in on a Buy for Kris Bryant. I need a Bryant! Great, now I’ve alluded to Anita Bryant and Buys in two sentences and I will be flagged by the Association of the Free and Unified Commitment Keepers. Though it would be fun to get a strongly-worded letter from them on their letterhead. Bigots can be unintentionally funny, but only if they were THAT funny. “Hello, this is Anita Bryant from the Ass. F.U.C– Hey, Paul, are we sure we want to go with the acronym here?” Kris Bryant has torn the roof off minor league pitching, then built a roof ten feet above that first roof, tore that 2nd roof off too, and then jumped in a hot air balloon, soared up 3,000 feet and built another roof. Between Double and Triple-A, he has 36 homers, 15 steals and is hitting .341. Seriously. He’d be a prospect to keep an eye on if he were a third baseman playing behind Josh Donaldson. In other words, if he had to surpass a great 3rd baseman for playing time, he’d still be someone to watch. Right now, he’s behind Luis Malbuena. *extended burp* The Cubs have already brought up Arismendy and Baez. They are not sitting on prospects anymore and the next one to get the call is Bryant. He could be a top 50 player for all of fantasy as early as next year, but for now he’s a flyer in redraft leagues that I’d absolutely take right now. Grab him, he could be up within two weeks and carry your teams in the final six weeks. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
PSYCHE! Before we get into the Buy/Sell, I just wanted to remind people to go join a Razzball fantasy football league. As if pride wasn’t enough reason, you can win a custom bobblehead! You know you always wanted a little bobbly bust of yourself. Anyway II, here’s the BUY/SELL:
BUY
Arismendy Alcantara – Might be struggling a little, but just that fast you’re forgetting about Alcantara, huh? Got one thing to say that. Hit it, Dre. Y’all know Arismendy, still the same O.G., but he been low-key. Hated on by most these Charlie Blackmons with no cheese. If y’all don’t like Arismendy then Jason Heyward Jablowme. Just a bunch’a gibberish and Jose Tabata is a motherf***er and act like he forgot about his cougar kidnapping a baby.
Zack Cozart – Somewhere, Zack Salieri is so pissed to see Cozart in this Buy column. “I am twice the middle infielder of that man-child Cozart!” As Salieri shifts his powdered wig.
Dustin Ackley – Between Arismendy, Joanvier Baez, Gyorko, Kinsler and Ackley, I have five middle infielders currently on my RCL team. That’s not including Tulo on the DL. I don’t tell you that so you can sit there in awe of me. I don’t need the genuflecting. I am not the Mustache Mecca — or simply Mustacca. I do not tell you so you have to squint at me because I’m so bright I may as well be the sun. I tell you this for your pity. What an effin’ mess! It does refer to my point that you should only be playing hot hands at this point.
Jedd Gyorko – Snoop was not the originator of the -izzle talk. You know, Snoop Dizzle on the bizzle. (Maybe you don’t know.) With that said, if Snoop played fantasy baseball, he’d grab Jizzle on the Gyorko and make a song about it.
J.P. Arencibia – He’s the hottest catcher to date. Now, about his baseball playing ability. Schwing! If you need power, I’d grab Just Peachy. It’s the right season (week) for that.
Jake Lamb – Was called up to play 3rd base for the D’Backs and has gap power. Not homer power. Like doubles-ish power. I wouldn’t say Lamb’s….BAAAAAAAAd. Oh, man, I kill me. Hold on, someone’s knocking. Suicide prevention? Why? No, I was just saying, ‘I kill me’ like I’m funny. Because I baaaah’d like a lamb. No, I don’t believe it’s a sheep that makes that noise. That’s more of a bleat. Can I go? I’m in the middle of something. Any the hoo! Lamb might hit for some pop next year or the year after, but for now I’d only grab him in NL-Only leagues.
Tommy Medica – If Tommy Medica was in a third world country, he’d have to help a woman give birth because of his last name. Fact! Another fact, he’s hitting .455 in the last week with 3 homers. As Jackson Brown would say, Medica, my eyes.
Yonder Alonso – I see your first three Padres in this post and I raise you Alonso, who is batting .533 with a homer in the last week. Damn, the dealer turned over an actual first baseman. Oh well, that beats my Padre schmotatoes.
Jon Singleton – He started hitting homers on July 27th, and hasn’t stopped since. Sure, he’s taken a break a game here and there, but since that arbitrary date it’s hard to find someone with more power. Cherrypick that!
Oscar Taveras – You know how when you were a kid and got the present you wanted on Christmas — or the frankincense, if you celebrate Kwanza — and you played with that toy (or watched the frankincense burn) all day and night, then, about two weeks later, you were totally sick of it. That’s rookies. You can’t wait until Oscar Taveras comes up. He’s going to be the greatest thing since sliced bread — or the greatest thing since quinoa if you’re gluten-free — and now that you’ve played with Taveras, you’re ready to move on to the next player.
Will Venable – Hello, is this the exterminator? Yeah, I don’t know when I first started noticing all of these Padres creeping into my Buy column, but I was wondering if there’s anything that can be done. Wait, until they’re back in Petco? Hmm, okay, I’ll try that.
Matt Joyce – Hasn’t done much recently. Totally a Hitter-Tron call. Like when the Hitter-Tron calls the junkyard and asks to be put on the phone with a recent wreck.
Angel Pagan – I’m not a big fan of stashing guys on the DL. If it’s someone like Tulo, then you need to hold them until they hopefully return, which is partially because they’re undroppable in ESPN leagues. Most guys you stash on your DL return and immediately get hurt again. Or they come back and they’re rusty, not Kuntz. Sometimes, they come back with a hot-hitting bat, but how often is that true? One out of every ten guys? More dentists agree to use Crest.
Jake Petricka – Feels like there’s been a shortage of closer turnover since May. In the first month of the season, there’s always a ton, but it seems to have really settled down. Yes, I’m partially saying this because I need to steal some saves. Let me SAGNOF!
James Paxton – His next start will be the last start I give him in most shallower mixed leagues. If he fails to live up to the hype, you need to move on quick fast like Ramadan. The Stream-o-Nator also likes his next start.
Matt Shoemaker – Yes, the Stream-o-Nator likes his next start too, but, beyond that, The Cobbler has ridunk peripherals. His shizz is so fly, he’s Jeff Goldblum from the neck down.
SELL
Gio Gonzalez – As mentioned in last week’s Sell, I’m done telling people who they should trade in this column because trade deadlines have passed. If they haven’t, then by all means necessary, make Malcolm X and me proud, and trade whoever it takes to get the title for this year. You’ve come too far and you’ve taken too many antacids to not leave it all on the table. Now, this Sell column will become guys that are owned in more than 80% of leagues and should be dropped. Speaking of which, Gio, you suck donkey balls. Yes, I’m referring to Adam Dunn’s testes. Sure, his peripherals say he should be better than he’s been, but The Big Bang Theory is supposed to be good too, and try watching that. At this point, I’m very fickle about my pitchers. Shoot, if Sonny Gray isn’t good a few starts in a row, I may cut my boy.
Alfredo Simon – Hey, you guys had a good run. Dropping him doesn’t mean the end of your friendship. You can always visit him in jail in the offseason.
Khris Davis – Sadly, it’s time to khut.
Shin-Soo Choo – For those that own him, you know how terrible he’s been, but for those that don’t know. Look at his stats. Haha, that’s awful. Mean, wow. He’s given as much fantasy value, according to our Player Rater, as Anthony Varvaro. Who? Exactly! Carlos Carrasco’s given more value. I just popped a zit in the mirror and it shot on the mirror spelling out, “Gross, Choo.” Drop a Choo from your team and Gesundheit.
