“The Nats Don’t Play,” was almost the title, but that’s too raw for all you suckas. It’s too cutting. It cuts the quick and bleeds ever-so-slightly that irritates you when you cut a lemon for your Arnold Palmer. Y’all can’t hang with my chinchilla fur that I’m wearing in my picture. (It’s just off my shoulder; you can’t see it.) B-Real said it best, “You don’t know where I’m going cause you haven’t been where I’ve been, understand where I’m coming from?” The Nationals know where I’ve been. They’ve dealt with the same thing as me, only they had to pay Zimmerman millions of dollars to get what I got. Which is an ulcer. Thanks, doode! I’ll send you the bill for the Zantac I’ve had to take for the last two years. The Nats called Zimmerman into their office and said, “You only have a hamstring issue, but if it’s anything like the injuries you’ve had in the past that have lasted about 60 days past when they were supposed to, we’re bringing up our best prospect, Anthony Rendon. We’re gonna tell everyone that it’s only for a few weeks while you heal, but we hope you don’t come back until July and we can trade you to the highest bidder. What? No, we don’t validate!” Rendon is gonna be a great one…some day. Damn, the fantasy baseball fortune cookie ending! Yeah, I’m not sure he’s ready just yet, but he’s worth a flyer in all leagues. I grabbed him in one league where I have Moustakas, because I’m tired of seeing that gyro-eating-motherfu– Let’s just say I’m tired of Moustakas. Best case scenario, Zimmerman has a set back and Rendon stays up and hits for a solid average and gives high-teen power with some very light speed. Another scenario, Rendon hits, Zimmerman returns and the Nats gutter ball Espinosa’s value and move Rendon to 2nd. Most likely scenario, Zimmerman returns and Rendon is demoted. Worst case scenario, Rendon shows up at your house at 3 AM and asks to sleep on your couch, seems fine at first then he tells you he has no place to live, stays for months, doesn’t ever flush the toilet or fill up the Tang in the fridge then starts dating your aunt, eventually marries her, making him your uncle, a title he insists you call him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
John Buck – 1-for-4 with his 7th homer. That’s only one more than Pujols, Miguel Cabrera and Mike Trout combined. Yeah, nothing weird there. WTB?!
Dillon Gee – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Finally, Gee looked like butter. The preceding sentence was for our one reader in India. Hey, Anuj!
David Wright – 0-for-2, 1 run and a steal. Guess how many steals he has. No, don’t look it up! I didn’t say Google how many steals Wright has. I said guess. How many? 3? 4? He has 5 steals. He’s on pace for like 40 steals. Did John Buck and him go into The Fly transporter with Mike Trout accidentally in there? Maybe that’s why Mike Trout is now a fat slob.
Zack Cozart – Day-to-day after his fingers were hit on a bunt attempt. Bunting is a lost art like ventriloquism.
Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins in Great American. In Crayola Canyon, Bailey’s line translates to a near-perfect game where Doug Eddings calls a weak grounder to third a home run by accident. He later apologizes, but stands by his call. “The game happens fast out there!”
Ryan Hanigan – To the DL with an oblique strain. Razzball exclusive! Here’s Hanigan’s MRI. The oblique is right there next to the Bread Basket. Devin Mesoraco will get the majority of the at-bats in Hanigan’s wake, which Google tells me was a season seven episode of Murder, She Wrote. Mesoraco is a solid grab in two-catcher leagues. He reminds me of Napoli when he was under the tyrannical rule of the Sciosciapath. Mesoraco could get 15 homers in only 300 ABs this year.
J.P. Arencibia – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. If I had drafted Arencibia, Justin Upton and John Buck and no one else in the RCL, I’d have more home runs right now. *jumps out of window, lands in a pile of marshmallows, completely fine, then Moustakas comes along and urinates on my head*
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI. He continues to swing a hot bat, and, to make him even more attractive, I recently dropped him. Here comes a Lorenzo Cain-like streak!
Brett Lawrie – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs as he hit in the 8 hole, which is porn-set speak for the left ear.
Josh Johnson – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks. Could the Angels and Blue Jays combine their pitching staffs to make one decent one? Maybe. Barely. Doubtful.
Brett Gardner – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and his first steal. Gardner said after the game, “Spring is a time for planting the seeds that will one day be a successful foundation of a 40-steal season.” So profound.
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd home run. As frequent commenter, Stumanji said, “This is the dawning of the age of Gregorius, the age of Gregorius, the age of Gregorius, the age of Gregorius, Greg-o-RI-USSSSSSS, Greg-o-RI-USSSSSSS…” Oh, and I’d grab him if I were hurting at MI. He’s now hitting .545 in three starts with 2 homers. Diamondbacks are gonna have a hard time figuring out how to not start him.
Ervin Santana – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Put away all sharp objects before you read the next sentence. You would’ve been better off drafting Ervin Santana than David Price. It won’t continue though, Ervin’s men LOB% is off the charts silly and his BABIP is abnormal like those cylinder hamburgers that rotate at 7-11.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th home run. Before yesterday’s game, Dale Sveum made an idle threat that the Cubs could demote Rizzo if his defense doesn’t improve. Yeah, right. That’s like when your mom would say if you don’t behave, we’re going to exchange you with a Chinese baby and you’ll have to live in China and work in a backscratcher factory. What, did no one else get that threat?
Ryan Madson – Felt soreness in his elbow. Illustration Time! A Venus Fly Trap hasn’t wrapped its big, green mouth lip-leaves around anything in almost a month. It’s so hungry. The only thing it has to eat is Madson’s fantasy value. Gulp. Goodbye.
Albert Pujols – 1-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs as he struggles to walk, let alone run from the severe pain in his heel, Pujols said, “I’m dying. It’s hurting real bad.” He went on to add, “When I run the pain is that of a thousand Tracker Jackers stinging directly into my urethra.” He should probably go on the DL, but the Angels have $759 million riding on this season, so they might not want him missing any time. It brings up an interesting quandary. What do you do when someone tells you to “walk it off” but you can’t walk? A question for philosophers, I suppose. It’s probably the worst time to sell Pujols in fantasy, as his value seems low, but he is hitting. I’d probably continue to hold him and hope he can keep going, unless I got a trade that made sense.
Mark Trumbo – 1-for-4 and a slam & legs. Nice, don’t let Madson’s Venus Fly Trap see that. Dirty, soil-sitting-in, fantasy value eater!
Brett Anderson – Left Friday’s game with an ankle sprain, but the A’s haven’t ruled him out for making his next start. Okay, I’ll rule it out for them. He’s not making his next start. Those in deep-ish leagues, I’d grab Straily now.
Tommy Milone – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. For the foreseeable future (which is June; that’s how far I can foresee the future), Milone looks like a straight homeschooler.
Coco Crisp – 1-for-2 with two steals. I’m cuckoo for Coco’s SAGNOF!
Buster Posey – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Well, he’s no John Buck.
Barry Zito – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. He said he was feeling relaxed after hanging with some of Lincecum’s friends on 4/20.
Brett Myers – To the 15-day DL with forearm soreness. He’ll be replaced in the rotation by Corey Kluber. Indians official roster move read, “Club her to Kluber.”
Asdrubal Cabrera – Fell down the dugout steps before Saturday’s game and was lifted yesterday for precautionary reasons. Yeah, you don’t want Nick Swisher tripping on Asdrubal at the bottom of the steps and messing up Nick’s sideburns.
Mark Reynolds – 1-for-3 with his 7th homer, he’s also hitting .298. As they say when you’re getting into a dunk tank, at some point the bottom will drop out, but that doesn’t mean you can’t ride him while he’s hitting.
Drew Stubbs – 1-for-3 with a homer, which came after a huge game on Saturday. Basically, every Indians hitter took advantage of the Astros’ other weakness, their pitching. Hitters looking at Astros starters is like that old joke, they’re terrible and we don’t get to face them enough.
Carlos Santana – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd day in a row with a homer. While writing up how much the Indians abused the Astros’ pitching, I stopped writing the post and went to look at the Astros’ schedule. I then wrote into my iCal to pick up every available Rockie on May 28th for when the Astros visit Coors.
Fernando Martinez – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and a homer in his first start of the year. With the return of Fernando Martinez, you know who suddenly was out of the lineup, right? C’mon, Astros, buy another Martinez jersey!
Yunel Escobar – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. As the old saying goes, throw enough crap against the wall and eventually something goes over for a home run.
Adam Jones – 2-for-3, 2 runs, and his third home run. He has to hit 30 homers this year. I’m Adam Ant.
Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-4 with his 6th homer. Tu-lo-git-2-quit. I’m doing the hand gestures, too.
Chad Billingsley – Went to the DL with elbow pain. I didn’t rank Billinsgley in the top 100 starters because this seemed inevitable. Honestly, seriously, unnecessary adverbly, when a guy (Bills) is recommended for Tommy John surgery, it seems like cruel and unusual abuse to have him continue to pitch. The Dodgers recalled Fife dawg to pitch in his place for Sunday. He was about as good as someone with the name Stephen Fife would be. He also looks exactly how you’d picture him. Don’t worry, Kevin Arnold will still hang out with you.
Matt Kemp – 3-for-5, with his third steal. His 2nd day in a row with a 3-for-5 and a steal (though it was split by an 0-for-3 with a steal in the 2nd game of the doubleheader Saturday). He just needed a good ol’ fashioned “Sell” from yours truly. Is it too late to “Sell” Mike Moustakas? Can I just return him? Why do I always get stuck with the worst Royals? Surprised I didn’t draft Prince Philip.
Jhoulys Chacin – Hit the DL. Tyler Chatwood will likely take his place in the rotation. Do you think his Mom’s childhood dog was named Tyler and the street where she grew up was Chatwood?
Dan Uggla – Sat out yesterday with a strained calf, but hopes to return early this week. Too bad his hopes are never like, “I hope to hit .250 with power again,” or “I hope I don’t strike out twice every game.”
Kris Medlen – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Casual Baseball Fan, “Medlen’s not as good as last year.” Braves fan, “You’re an idiot, CBF. He has a 2.16 ERA on the year.” Fantasy Baseballer, “Should I trade him for Mike Minor?”
Travis Snider – 2-for-3, 1 run and hitting .357. The Pirates are using him in a straight platoon, but he’s on the better side of it and has been hitting. If you can move him in and out of your lineup, he’s a hot schmotato, which could turn into more.
Kyle Seager – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. Has now hit in ten straight games. So, of course, he’s also been dropped in almost 20% of leagues. Um, okay.
Justin Grimm – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. Solid start, but moving forward it should be common knowledge you’re juggling flaming chainsaws blindfolded if you roll with a rookie pitcher in Arlington.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Member when he was a Junior? Did he pull a Prince Fielder with his pops? I got questions, y’all!
Leonys Martin – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his first homer and RBI. Unfortunately, he’s been splitting time with Craig Gentry, so his stock remains anagrammatically correct with lo on the NYSE.
Ryan Braun – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs, 5th homer (16 RBIs) and batting .280. Yeah, he looks awful. Bench him immediately!
Wily Peralta – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Is it me and my chronic rosterbating or do you kinda want to drop all exciting sleeper pitchers from the Brewers? I’m not being rhetorical. For serious, Fiers is already demoted, a 5+ ERA for Peralta and Estrada looks like he could serve up a homer ball up to Jose Altuve’s little brother who is four-eight and goes by the name, Stretch. Segura has been a nice Brewer surprise as he’s moved up in the order. Well, a surprise to Rudy, I guess. Not me.
Mitchell Boggs – 1/3 IP, 4 ER. Watching him pitch is kinda like if you had a hot glue gun and you were sealing your own coffin.
Kyle Kendrick – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. That’s his third straight quality start. This is also the third straight time I’ve said I like him.
Dustin Pedroia – 3-for-7, 1 RBI and his 4th steal. I wonder how Pedroia is taking to being 2nd fiddle to Altuve for Sparky Anklebiters. Maybe the same way Blair felt when she was jealous of the attention Cousin Geri was getting and wished she had cerebral palsy.
Alcides Escobar – 3-for-8 with his 2nd homer. Now has same number of home runs as Miguel Cabrera. Reads neck tattoo that says, “It’s still early.”
Billy Butler – 2-for-8 with his third homer. Taking a page from David Ortiz, before the 2nd game, Billy Butler addressed the crowd and said, “This is my f**king titty,” then showed his right moob.
Adam Dunn – 1-for-4 with his 3rd homer. He has 7 hits total on the year, 26 Ks and a .108 average. Wanna see what an aging, big-bodied hitter looks like? Look no further. Chris Carter sees Dunn when he looks in a mirror that ages him and gives him vitiligo.
