Now, it makes sense. That’s Justin Smoak and Dustin Ackley sitting in bathtubs overlooking Mt. Rainier. “The beans acting up on you, Smoaky the Bear?” “Why do you ask, Ackalacka?” “Cause I heard bubbles coming up in your tub.” “Nah, I get bubbles in my tub when I get an erection.” The move to Seattle will definitely reduce injury risk for Kendrys Morales. Not because he’s now assured a DH role, but because he can’t hit homers as easily. Snap in an inverted W formation! Kendrys is listed as a Latin 29. If you think he’s 29 years old, I have a bridge in Nova Scotia made of smoked salmon to sell you. It smells and it’s greying on the edges, but it’s worth a lot in retail at the butcher. “Saul, I can get my hands on a bridge made of lox, can you resell it?” That’s you talking to your butcher. Kendrys took forever to come back from his limp-off homer, but finally looked to be in a groove in the 2nd half of last season (14 homers in 238 ABs). He’s a possible Zombino, even though if he’s really 29 that shouldn’t apply. 29? Ha! And I’m fifteen with the most beautiful mustache that your deity of choice ever created! Please! His numbers at Safeco aren’t nearly as bad as you might think. In 120 ABs, his line is 19/7/23/.292/1. I’ve seen worse. Nick Punto in any ballpark over the course of three seasons combined. That’s worse. I imagine now people will look at Morales with a real puss on their faces because he’s in Seattle, but, while the park and lineup aren’t great, he doesn’t have to worry about platooning randomly whenever the Sciosciapath feels like it. For 2013, I’m still going to predict a bounce back for Kendrys, even though I was thinking of an even bigger one before this trade. The projected stat line I’ll give him is 77/26/89/.272. Anyway, here’s some more offseason moves for 2013 fantasy baseball:
Jason Vargas – Went the other way to the Angels. What’s the thanks the Mariners get for raising Jason Vargas? Some indie film cred from the Hispanic community. It’s not enough. They put him on the map. Now, he’s got big city pressure (not really; it’s Anaheim, people) and he’s no longer in the pitcher friendly confines of Safeco. His numbers at the Big A over his career aren’t bad (2.27 ERA, 1.09 WHIP, 6.8 K/9), but last year his total away numbers were 4.78 ERA, 1.31 WHIP and a 5.5 K/9. I tend to believe the latter numbers more, if by latter I mean last year’s away ERA, et al (not the Israeli airline). He’ll mean more to the Angels, than he will for fantasy, except in favorable matchups. I’ll give him the line of 13-9/4.22/1.30/129. Belch.
Jose Veras – Signed with the Astros. There’s some rumblings that the Astros might use Veras as the closer. I’m kidding. There’s no rumblings about the Astros anywhere ever. You could stand three feet away from Astros GM, Jeff Luhnow, for the next six months and not hear Astros rumblings. Most of Jeff’s friends don’t even know what he does for a living! Once the Astros decide how they want to close out their thirty-eight wins in 2013, that closer will be worth a draft pick. If I had to guess, I’d say they’re going to give Veras a chance. He’s got the stuff for it. His K-rate is 9.39 in his career 314 1/3 IP. The small issue that’s not really small is he’s 32 years old and he can’t find the strike zone with a Google Map and Siri. As Marmol has proven, for stretches of a month or three, someone like Veras can succeed.
Carlos Pena – Signed on to be the Astros DH. Finally, the Astros figured out how to end their rallies! Phew, before this signing, I thought the Astros might bat around in the 1st inning of the 1st game of the season and keep batting around for the next six months never getting through one game.
Stephen Drew – Went to the Sawx. In 2009, Drew was coming off a season of 21 homers and a .291 average and looked primed for a breakout. In 2010, he was coming off a disappointing season of 12 homers. In 2011, he was coming off his 2nd consecutive disappointing season. In 2012, he was coming — what, his third straight terrible season? I don’t know; I lost track. In 2013, where are we with Drew? Fourth terrible season in a row? Fifth? I can’t count any higher. Can we just get the Sawx to start Ciriaco so we don’t have to count so high? I’m tired.
Collin Cowgill – Sent to the Mets. Hey, a move to get excited about! About time. Seriously. I’m not being sarcastic right now. Damn, I can’t even tell when I’m being sarcastic. Cowgill may sound like a Texas radio personality, but he’s a guy that’s languished in the minors for longer than he’s needed to. He’s ready for the majors, and there’s a chance the Mets play him. In the minors, he showed some pop and nice speed. Think 7 homers and 25 steals with an everyday job. He’s also shown the ability to take a walk in the minors, but so far in the majors (196 ABs) he’s looked overmatched with ballooning Ks. Definitely a solid flyer for NL-Only leagues and I wouldn’t be surprised if he earns a spot in an early season Buy column. You’ll hear about him much more if secures a job in Queens.
Hiroyuki Nakajima – Signed with the A’s to be their shortstop. I have one name for you: Tsuyoshi Nishioka. I’ll give you another name: Abu Nazir. What the eff happened to Homeland? I’m by no means an expert on cable dramas. Shoot, I just watched Breaking Bad, about four years after everyone else, but has any show taken a quicker nose dive than Homeland? SPOILER ALERT (though, I am saving you from watching it): Nazir’s big plan is to come to the states, secretly kill the VP, then get killed so hopefully Brody will go to the VP’s funeral? Convoluted Plot, “You rang?” And what if Brody didn’t go to the funeral because, I don’t know, he was in the room when the VP died and basically killed him? Maybe someone might have detained him about this since he was considered, I don’t know, a terrorist. Then Carrie tells him to go to Canada? I understand Canadians may get news a day later due to carrier pigeons struggling to fly north, but this is where you send someone who is probably the most infamous person in the world? Maybe he can grow a beard and wear a lumberjack flannel. No one will ever find him then because he’ll blend right in with all Canadian women! Ugh, what a mess they made of a solid show. Hiroyuki looks like he has some light power and speed, which translates to barely usable in Oaktownco. I’d let someone else give him a whirl and put his 2013 line at 65/7/72/.272/12.
