ESPN’s 2014 Fantasy Baseball Ranklings

I’m looking at my 2014 fantasy baseball rankings compared to ESPN’s fantasy baseball rankings and my iTunes is hitting White Walls by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (featuring Schoolboy Q, Hollis and me).

I wanna be free, I wanna just live… Inside my rankings… This is my shizz…
Now throw it up (ESPN’s rankings make me wanna throw up),
That’s what it is (that’s what it is),
In my R-A-N-K-I-N-G-S, Mitch (Moreland),
Can’t see through their love for Kipnis (nah ah),
I’m drafting real slow (slow motion),
In my hot wet dripping love for Giancarlo, he’s 24 (handsome fella),
ESPN don’t got love for the 24’s (nah ah),
But they’re on those oft-injured Jacoby’s,
That’s in those New York short walls,
R-r-round them hundred year old folks (Jeter),
Old school like Old English in that brown paper bag,
Yovani’s rolling in with the same WHIP that my granddad had,
Hello, haters, damn y’all mad,
$30 on a starter, now how backpack rap is that?

I got that off-black Cadillac, with Puig on a midnight drive, got the gas pedal down, leaned back, he’s not taking his time…

I have Yasiel Puig at 19 overall, ESPN has him ranked down at 28 overall.  Those nine spots are huge that early in a draft.  I know what it is, they don’t want any part of Puig because they’re anti-communist like the Indonesians!  Wait, I think I’m anti-communist too…Maybe, I don’t know, I slept through that class.  Teacher, leave this kid alone!  I want Puig on every team.  I want to see him overrun 2nd base because he plays enthusiastically and doesn’t know how to slide or because in Cuban baseball you can overrun 2nd base!  I don’t care the reason; I just want him.  ESPN has Bryce Harper at 22 overall while I have him at 10.  Give me Harper if they don’t want him.  I want to watch Harper run through a wall like the Kool-Aid Man and scream, “Oh, yeah!”  I wanna see him cut his hair like a rooster and say, “Who’s the cock now?”  So predictable who ESPN is excited about… Hello, Jacoby Ellsbury, you’ve only been terrible twice in the last four years.  Who do you think has Starling Marte higher?  ESPN or me?  Do you even need to look to answer?  Then there’s players like Evan Longoria, who I have at 11 overall and ESPN has down at 25.  Well, he was injured again last year and he’s 31 years old.  Oh, wait a minute, that’s David Wright who was injured yet again and is 31.  Longoria is only 28 years old and had a solid year in 2013, so of course they have David Wright at 19 overall and Longoria at 25.  Of course they do!   Maybe when ESPN had their rankings summit, they ordered Chinese food in from Lucky Garden and Mr. Garden ranked all of their 3rd basemen.  Maybe they just throw darts at a rankings board and someone sneezed when they were ranking Longoria.  Your guess = my guess.  Let’s move on before my head explodes.

Getting Segura in the 7th round and it’s like I won the f**king lottery, homes (the f**king lottery, homes!)

They want Jason Kipnis in the 2nd round.  Don’t even ask where they ranked Jedd Gyorko.  “Excuse me, Mr. Berry, I’m the intern sent from Central Casting and I was wondering what you want me to do with Gyorko.”  “He goes with the rest of the jerkos at ESPN.  In front of the camera.”  Why consider the upside of a player when you can rank Ben Zobrist high?  I’m surprised they didn’t just put Pedroia in the top ten and call it a siesta.  They definitely knew what to do with Starlin Castro…Rank him in front of Jean Segura?!  Hold on a second, I need to lay down.  cnsihcsabs… Ugh, it’s too hard to type laying down.  Usually a player does poorly and they’re too far down on him the following year, or a player does well and they’re too high on him.  So, um, I really baffled by the Starlin Castro ranking.  In the shortstop rankings, January Grey was talking about how it was possible he could own Starlin Castro this year.  He talked about how he felt the general consensus on Castro was he couldn’t bounce back after his terrible 2013.  Well, the joke’s on you, January Grey!  Or is the joke on everyone else?  In this snow globe we call earth, there’s a place that looks like an old west town with a saloon.  Inside that saloon, we find ESPN writers doing Slippery Nipple shots and ranking Starlin Castro 71 overall!  Pujols’s ranking is no less baffling.  Sure, he wasn’t good last year, but ESPN usually loves the old and decrepit.  Is it really possible I’m that much more of a fan?  He did only hit 17 homers with 64 RBIs last year in 99 games.  Oh, wait, that means he was on pace for his usual numbers and last year he was limping around the bases while he was playing and now he’s healthy.

Knew Cobb would have a WHIP, but never one like this?

Of course, I’m higher on Alex Cobb than others, but didn’t think I’d be this far in front of the curve (that’s what she said!).  I can’t even see the curve from where I’m at.  I have him ranked 54th overall and ESPN has him 121st.  Julio Teheran is down at 128 at ESPN; I have him at 58.  Have Danny Salazar about sixty spots sooner, Sonny Gray about 80 spots sooner and Francisco Liriano about 120 spots sooner.  The list goes on and on… It’s all right, I’ll shine.  Future drafts never looked so bright.  Backwoods and dope, L.J. Hoes in the backseat with Phil Coke talking about whatever happened to Will Rhymes.

Now on the less-Macklemore tip, here’s a chart of the biggest values from ESPN to me (Thank you!) and the players that ESPN overrates (No thank you!):

THANK YOU

NO THANK YOU