Like a good Jewish boy, Brad Ausmus said to his Bubbie, “Bubbie, I love sulfites, nitrates and pig a**holes, but every time I see a Nathan’s, I get the runs. Bubbie, do you have a remedy?” His Bubbie lowered her knitting and said, “You need to get a goddamn decent closer!” And so it was done. Unfortunately, due to being wracked with guilt (or possibly due to a rather hard knock on the head), Ausmus couldn’t pull the trigger and said Nathan will remain the closer. Oh. WHAT?! The Rangers traded Joakim Soria to the Tigers because Joe Nathan is making Detroit look even lousier. I can’t imagine Soria remains the set-up man for very long, since Nathan owns a 5.89 ERA and has looked completely lost for the better part of the season. For now, I’d hold both of them. Over in Texas, I have a rooting interest in Neal Cotts getting saves, because I own him and not Neftali Feliz. If I had my druthers, and knew what the hell druthers were — hmm, maybe then I do have druthers — I would grab Neftali first. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Anibal Sanchez – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks, and the conshellation prize. Maybe he thinks if he pitches terrible he’ll get to sleep with Kate Upton.
Rajai Davis – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 25th steal. When The King of SAGNOF goes to Washington D.C., Obama gets stuck in his traffic.
Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .315. On pace for another Triple Crown. Oops, I mean another Crown Royal.
Austin Jackson – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. See my last six days of blurbs on him.
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (2). Unbelievable. Give him the loot, give him the loot. Time to get paid, blowing up like the shh…
Gerardo Parra – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, and a homer two nights ago. Not a huge sample size of wonderful — that’s what she said! Huh? — but Parra could be transforming into a hot schmotato.
Ryan Howard – Sandberg announced he would be in a platoon with Darin Ruf. The next step for the Phils will be releasing a guy that they owe $60 million. Rubén Amaro, Jr. said, “That’s not a lot of money, when you consider I spent $15 million for Brian Sabean to scout Raul Ibanez for me.” Sandberg says he wants to see what Ruf can do. I’ll tell him, he’s a Caucasian Ryan Howard. I will call him Ryan And/Or Howard.
A.J. Burnett – 8 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks as he threw 131 pitches, which came after an hour long delay in the 4th inning. Probably wouldn’t have pitched so long, but from the fifth through the seventh inning, Sandberg was updating his resume with “benched a .224 hitter.”
Jonathan Papelbon – 1 IP, 3 ER. Now Robin Ventura is gonna want to trade for him.
Brandon Belt – Giants are concerned since Belt is still experiencing concussion symptoms. They’re flying him back to San Fran for more tests. Hey, I’m no doctor or anything, but there’s gotta be doctors in Philly and maybe, just maybe, flying isn’t good for Belt. I don’t know, just spitballing.
Madison Bumgarner – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. He could make any breasts man a Bum man.
Bartolo Colon – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. Had a perfect game broken up with two outs in the 7th inning. We were deprived of Colon in a full spread of the NY Post and a series of people’s reaction videos on YouTube as they read the headline, “Perfect.”
Ruben Tejada – Left the game after taking a pitch off his helmet. The replay looks like it was sponsored by Mets fans.
Taijuan Walker – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (6 BBs), 5 Ks. In additional to the six walks, he hit a batter. Where can I write a negative Yelp review on the Mariners minor league coaches because his mechanics are definitely not fixed.
Edwin Encarnacion – Ken Rosenthal reported Edwin could return next week. Ken Rosenthal also reported he is not related to Trevor Rosenthal and if his distant family in St. Louis could stop bothering him for tickets, he’d appreciate it.
Anthony Gose – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and two steals and four steals in two games. Maverick, what did you say? Gose, I said, I feel the need…the need for speed!
Jose Bautista – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 2nd in as many games. He’s really gone bone dry on power since his big April, but he rarely hits one without following it with another or three, so hopefully you don’t have to rue Joey until he kicks you in the face and tries to stuff himself inside your hoodie pouch.
R.A. Dickey – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. As some of you might know, Dickey’s life is being made into a movie. So, one day you can go to the theater with your kid and say, “Yes, he was once good.” I hope Hollywood plans on getting David Spade, and making it a mash-up sequel with Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star.
Clay Buchholz – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K. The matchup of Dickey/Buchholz appropriately led to a bleeding of runs.
David Ortiz – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer, and fourth in three games. Are we sure they’re not counting homers with the metric system?
Daniel Nava – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. Straight ahead, all-systems go, we have a full-on hot schmotato. Do not pass Nava, yo, do not collect $200.
Ryan Zimmerman – Hit the DL with a serious hamstring injury, which is a helluva a lot better than the injury I’m wishing on him.
Denard Span – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 17th steal, hitting near-.400 in the last week, and has been a mainstay at the top of the Nationals lineup all year. How, or maybe, why he’s not owned in every league is beyond me. He’s Denard, not The Noid!
Stephen Strasburg – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks. On one hand, the game was in Coors. On the other hand, his opponent Jorge De La Rosa went 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks. On a third hand that is actually Hamburger Helper cut-off its box and pasted onto a pencil, what the effin eff, Strasburg? You gotta be better than this. C’mon.
Josh Rutledge – 2-for-5, 1 run. The odd thing about Strasburg’s start is no one on the Rockies did anything all that terrific either. Oh, and Rutledge is starting every day with Tulo out and batting in the two-hole. Yes, please and thank you.
Nate Eovaldi – 7 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks. Gotta give him credit for battling through seven innings after getting crushed for five runs early, but unless “Giving Credit” is a category in your league, you can’t own him.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-3, 1 RBI and his 12th steal. It’s cute how after every time he steals he gets up and says sorry to his mom.
Ervin Santana – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks. Ervin went through a whirlwind of three months of terrible pitching and getting lashed out at by a bigot. His peripherals are those of a number four fantasy starter, and he should not only be owned, but I’d consider acquiring him if you can very cheaply, or as a throw-in.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Not saying it’s his fault one of my teams has been absolutely wretched, but I’ll tell ya, owning him isn’t exactly earth-shattering either. Andrelton, mischievously rubbing his hands together, “Did someone say earth-shattering?”
Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 2 homers (15, 16), but left the game after jamming his thumb. Geez, who gets hurt during the Home Run Derby?
Jed Lowrie – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. I keep willing him to get hot, hoping it works for him or Wilin Rosario. It’s catching in dribs and drabs with Lowrie, but I’d definitely watch him like a cyclops with a monocle.
Josh Reddick – 2-for-4, 3 runs. Since there’s no one on the A’s that isn’t platooned, I can’t imagine Reddick will play every day unless he gets hot. Now, I will stop imagining a Reddick doing anything.
Jered Weaver – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.36. Ugh, where are the FIPing Regression Fairies already?
Trevor Bauer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Twins. He was just out-pitched by General Swarzak. “You’re moving your troops across the desert landscape with this serpentine motion, causing far too many BBs and not enough Ks. If you streamed Bauer, then…Saddamn!” That’s General Swarzak.
Oswaldo Arcia – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. Member in the not-too-distant past he looked like a 20-homer hitter? We were younger then, and you had more hair. On top of your head, not on your back.
Danny Santana – 3-for-3, 2 runs and a caught stealing. I only mention the caught stealing to show that he’s at least attempting steals, which is a good sign. Or rather a good steal sign. He hasn’t done a ton since his return from the DL, but he has 30-steal speed. Worth a look, if that’s what you desire. Desiiiiiire! Great, now I have that stupid U2 song in my head. I hate U2, but that goes without saying, only girls like U2.
Billy Hamilton – 1-for-3, 1 RBI and his 40th steal. Right now, Juan Pierre is sitting by a window as the rain beats down. The rain is running down the window, giving the impression that Juan is crying. In the background, Matchbox Twenty’s 3 AM is playing. Juan isn’t singing the words aloud, he’s simply mouthing the lyrics. Juan looks back at Billy Hamilton’s post-game interview, saying, “That was me.”
Mike Leake – 6 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 3.73. With 11 baserunners, Leake was lucky it wasn’t a full-blown flood. Zadow! *high-fives self* Ow, too hard.
Kyle Lohse – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 3.07. His peripherals look like hot garbage on top of the world’s tallest man in the hottest city in Nairobi. Tall guy’s name is Willie, by the by.
Mark Reynolds – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and two home runs (15, 16). It’s almost like I’m looking at yesterday’s stat line from Reynolds through the prism of a DeLorean window that is parked in 2009.
Eric Hosmer – Removed early due to pain still in his hand. I’ve lost Tulo and Zimmerman in two days, c’mon, let’s go for the crapfecta.
Alex Gordon – 3-for-3. All he does is get hits! Seriously. Hit a home run or two, Gordon. Don’t be bashful. Or maybe that’s be bashful like Canseco and McGwire.
Lorenzo Cain – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 13th steal, hitting .296 on the year, and led off yesterday. Him and Dyson have been doing the tag team back again at the top of the order while Norichika Aoki’s (2-for-3) bumped down to nine. Good for Cain and Dyson, but it’s a shituation that needs monitoring.
James Shields – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 3.58. Was a bit touch and go for Shields in May and June like he was on Law & Order: SVU and Ice-T was chasing him, but Shields seems to have righted the ship of late.
Danny Valencia – 0-for-3. Yost didn’t have to make the gut-wrenching decision yesterday of whether to start Moustakas or Valencia, he went with both. Who likes orange ambrosia?!
Dayan Viciedo – Scratched with a tight hamstring. Oddly enough, he scratched it with his nose.
Adam Eaton – 0-for-3. He announced he was playing with a jammed middle finger. He says it doesn’t hamper his play that much, but people keep cutting him off on the highway and he feels hopeless. My enthusiasm for Eaton has died down with this news, and since I just had lunch.
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 3.15. Quintana should be an arbitrary line in the sand like Snafu Larry would come up with. If Quintana’s not owned in your league, your league is very shallow or you created a 15-team league and signed up with 14 of your email aliases.
Starling Marte – Hit the DL with the concussion woozies. He hopes to be back in seven days less woozy.
Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Maybe because I got so burned early in the year, it’s hard for me to trust Liriano. The shizzton of walks doesn’t help either. But, and this is a J. Lo-sized but, he has a 2.25 ERA in July (16 IP).
Travis Snider – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. With Marte sidelined, Snider’s started the last two games with multiple hits in each game. Could be a short-term schmotato, but it’s still early to say that about Snider. Gotta take it one day at a time.
Josh Harrison – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .291 with five homers on the year. The Pirates All-Star infielder is hitting– Sorry, I couldn’t get through that sentence. He was an All-Star? Really, Seth Myers?
Dan Haren – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 4.49. Doesn’t even tell the full picture of how bad he’s been when you consider he had a 2.03 ERA leaving April. He’s now given up 20 earned runs in his last 19 innings. Oh, and he’s owned in more leagues than Quintana. Yup.
Juan Uribe – 2-for-4. It’ll stop at some point, but he’s now hit in eight of nine games and .387 in that time. No balloons will drop when you pick him up, unless you work in a Party Factory, but he’s worth a short-term add.
Hanley Ramirez – Hasn’t swung a bat since Sunday, but he did pick one up and “moved it around,” according to Mattingly. Was he playing the hokey pokey?
Shelby Miller – Back into the rotation for Saturday as Carlos Martinez moves back to the bullpen. I’m a bit surprised by the Cardinals. Usually this type of move generates at least an attempt at a, “Shelby’s worked through his mechanics issues and is ready to return,” or my all-time favorite, “He looks like a different pitcher.” But they didn’t inflate expectations, that’s how little faith they have in him. Me too.
Lance Lynn – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.05. So far from economical that he needed 118 pitches to get to the 7th inning, and he might want to ask Shelby to do his taxes.
Alex Cobb – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.77. Now that’s more like it! Another two months like that and all is forgotten, my little cherry blossom.
Jake McGee – 1 IP, 0 ER and got the save because Joe Maddon woke up on the “feeling slightly less crazy” side of the bed.
Desmond Jennings – 3-for-5, 2 runs. Here’s a name you don’t hear often, which is a terrible thing. I think I’ve mentioned Casey McGehee more this year than Jennings.
George Springer – As first reported here after inferring shizz from other sources, Springer hit the DL. His value is going down, I’m yelling Springggggger!
Masahiro Tanaka – Cashman said “it’s too early to call” on whether or not Tanaka needs Tommy John surgery. Aw, isn’t it cute when teams are delusional?
Tsuyoshi Wada – 4 IP, 5 ER vs. the Padres. It looked so good on paper prior to the game, then it should’ve been on toilet paper.
Yangervis Solarte – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Waivers for my NL-Only league opens shop on Friday for Solarte, so like Valerie Cherish would say, “I don’t want to see that!” Yes, it’s sad when you’re battling for Yangervis Solarte. Leave me alone.
Cameron Maybin – Suspended for 25 games for amphetamines. On a very special episode of That’s So Maybin, he gets suspended for taking what he believed were Vitamin A Lettuce pills, but were actually greenies. Can Eddie and Corey tutor him so he returns just in time to pass 9th grade? Dun-dun-DUN!
Jeff Francoeur – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI as the Padres called him up. In related news, the Padres are commissioning James Cameron to add an extra anchor to the Titanic.
