Jered Weaver owners just found another reason to get down on one knee (although shelling out for a ring causes a similar sensation). Weaver will be going to renowned SoCal ‘Doctor of the Skateboarders’ Ollie Ramp. “I usually see these occur when some knucklehead tries to ride a railing and takes a header…or I guess an elbower.” Well, thank God for my Jered Weaver overrated post that helped all of you avoid Weaver in the preseason. Right? *crickets, birds chirping, a little fat kid running through a sprinkler* So, some of you drafted him anyway? Show yourselves for the world to see. You will not be mocked. You will be pointed at derisively. Okay, that’s mocked. The Weaver Drafter, “Everyone was down on Weaver, in the non-sexual way, so he came at such a discount… Besides, you were worried about his decreased velocity, falling K-rate, lucky ERA… You never said anything about him breaking his non-throwing elbow.” Hopefully, kind sir, they have an Excuses For Drafting Weaver category in your league. He’ll be back in 6 weeks. I look forward to others putting him on their DL until then. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Garrett Richards – Will likely take Weaver’s spot in the rotation. He does have upside and was solid in the spring. Then again, Roy Halladay looked good in the spring too. I’m pretty lukewarm on Richards. How lukewarm, you ask. Like a present-day Loni Anderson offering me a massage while forcing me to watch WKRP in Cincinnati reruns. Richards has thrown way too many walks in his major league starts thus far. If he can harness his change, he does have a mid-90’s fastball and could surprise. I’ll be watching in mixed leagues, but not picking him up yet.
Erick Aybar – Day-to-day with a heel ailment, i.e., a ‘should heal’ ailment.
Jason Motte – Tear in his ulnar collateral ligament will likely send him for Tommy John surgery. That would knock him out for the year unless Tommy John actually performs the surgery, then Motte may never return. Tommy’s not a surgeon. “Scarpetta.” “Tommy, do you mean scalpel?” “No, I need reservations at Scott Conant’s restaurant.” The collateral collateral damage is Mitchell Boggs will be the closer for a longer period of time. So far the only thing Mitchell Boggs has going for him is the most law firm-sounding name outside of BenJarvus Green-Ellis. I’d continue to hold Boggs, Rosenthal, Salas and Mujica for fantasy. Not for fantasies, there I’m holding Joan from Mad Men.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. Whoa, Tecmo Lance, nice start. Took some cojones to start Lynn vs. the Reds, but it paid off. Well, it took some of Rudy’s cojones, since I wanted to bench him but Rudy insisted we start him. Thanks, Rudy’s balls!
Victor Martinez – Out of yesterday’s lineup after cutting his finger on a bat rack. He cut his finger touching Yvonne Craig’s boobs?
Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. She sure is getting off to a nice start. That’s what he said! What?
Joaquin Benoit – Pitched the ninth yesterday, but it’s no indication of anything as to which way Leyland is leaning. Then Benoit gave up a home run to Rasmus. Homers have always been his Achilles heel. Quinoa is an ancient grain; Benoit is an ancient gopher. For now, I’m holding Coke. Note to DEA: I’m holding Phil Coke.
Alex Avila – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. 5% owned in ESPN leagues. 95% of ESPN leagues are owned by Snafu Larry.
Miguel Cabrera – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his first homer, hitting .393. Any time he’s hitting over his BAC, you gotta love it.
Roy Oswalt – Said he’d love to return to the Philadelphia. The Phils responded, “Sorry. We’ve already got an over-the-hill Roy.”
Brandon Morrow – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 0 Ks. Maybe he wants to rethink that whole pitching to contact strategy.
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-3 with his 3rd homer. Now with homers in back-to-back games, so I’d grab him while he’s seeing the ball/being the ball/hitting the ball.
Melky Cabrera – 3-for-4 and a RBI as he recorded his 1,000th hit. Oddly enough, a website popped up yesterday arguing that the Hall of Fame benchmark for hitters should be 1,000 hits. The web admin’s name was Welky Kabrera.
Sean Marshall – Dusty Baker is worried about Marshall’s shoulder. Obviously, the Ghost of Mark Prior’s Arm visited Dusty last night.
Dillon Gee – 3 IP, 7 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks. Not only does he pitch this poorly, but then he has a last name that sounds so innocuous when you yell it out in anger. Owning him makes me sound like an angry Aunt Bee. “Aw, c’mon, Gee!”
John Buck – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. WTB?!
Cliff Lee – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. After the Phils jumped out ahead with a huge lead, The Adverb got the free room at the W.
Michael Young – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, which was in the middle of a homer trifecta by Ryan Howard and John Mayberry Jr. in the 3rd inning. Three’s are wild, which is also the name of Skinemax movie starring Jenilee Harrison.
Evan Gattis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, while hitting from the clean-up spot. I was watching this game because I wanted to see Juan Francisco and Chris Johnson, but a by-product of that was I saw (hey, palindrome!) Gattis’s home run. Yeah, he could hit 20 homers this year with a full-time job. I wouldn’t be surprised if McCann gets Wally Pipp’d. To think, just a few years ago, Gattis was off-the-grid, living day-to-day with a sign, “Will hit homers for food.” If you’re struggling at catcher, I could see grabbing Gattis (after the previously recommended Avila).
Derek Jeter – Set to take BP on Wednesday. He could’ve just joined the Yankees for the Indians series.
Robinson Cano – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer in two games vs. the Indians. Don’t worry, Indian fans, in 400 years you’ll be deeded a casino.
Brett Gardner – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs. Too bad every time he tried to steal a base someone hit a home run.
Lyle Overbay – 3-for-5, 3 runs and a solo homer. You know the Yankees had a good game when you can hear in the background of the YES broadcast Suzyn Waldman orgasming.
Carlos Carrasco – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, then was ejected and Brett Myers, who was supposed to be today’s starter, entered the game and gave up 7 earned runs. Tomorrow, Corey Kluber could be called up. He is also terrible. What a Coreyinkidink. I suggest the entire Indians pitching staff carpools to the stadium tomorrow with Terry Francona driving.
Matt Harrison – Due to lower back soreness, he’s unlikely to start on Thursday. I know that trick! Cougar is always saying she has lower back soreness when, well…Matt Harrison just doesn’t want to have sex with me! BTW, you wanna hear the best thing ever? My mom, Cougar and I were out to lunch and the waitress thought my Mom was my wife and thought Cougar was my Mom. Good times!
Nick Tepesch – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Whenever I read Tepesch, I hear it in my head like Kendrick Lamar saying, ‘ya bish.’ Any hoo! His name translates into “to pass over” in fantasy and Hebrew.
Brandon McCarthy – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks, has now given up 10 earned runs in 11 2/3 IP. The pitchers in the top 60 starters to avoid were: Johan, Hanson, Dempster, C.J. Wilson, Chris Carpenter, Hellickson and McCarthy. Yup.
Tim Lincecum – 6 IP, 6 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. I blame his barber.
Angel Pagan – 3-for-5, 2 runs and an RBI, hitting .364. Like his name struggles between good and evil, I struggle with whether or not to embrace him. It’s a morality play!
Starling Marte – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his first steal. He’s hitting .313 so far this year. He might take the early lead for the most comments about dropping him. Y’all realize we’re only eight games in, right?
Gordon Beckham – He was fooled so bad by a Gio pitch that he hurt his wrist. That’s basically his career in a microcosm for fantasy baseball. Every time he swings, people get a sore wrist from clicking around their waiver wire.
Chris Carter – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. Last night, the Astros were Kenneth Wurman banging on the video game machine. The Astros were not going to have their houses pelted with sh*t any longer! The Astros were Wyatt, finally telling Chet he wasn’t gonna stand it anymore, and turning him into a big pile of sh*t! Hmm, did every 80’s movie involve a sh*t scene? Maybe. And that’s what made them great. And the Astros, for one brief moment, in a game no one would care to watch vs. the Mariners, they rose up.
Jose Altuve – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a homer. Okay, Altuve is probably Kenneth Wurman.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a home run. There were 8 home runs last night in Safeco. After the game, the Mariners announced they were moving the fences back out.
Brett Wallace – 0-for-4, 4 Ks in a game that saw the Astros score 16 runs. Ticker tease!
Brandon Maurer – 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Member that strategy about starting guys against Astros? Yeah, about that…
Adam LaRoche – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs with 2 homers. After missing a few games, he’s back, LaRoche, and killing the ball in the name of.
Jayson Werth – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Hate to see what he’d be doing if his wrist was at 100%. That would have to be Werth more.
Jake Peavy – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks. That makes me very Peavish. I fell for this trick last year and dumped Peavy early on only to see him put together a terrific four month stretch. For better (please) or worse (no thank you), I’m holding him (for now).
Alex Rios – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer and 3rd steal for the ever-delicious slam & legs. So far it’s clear sailing on the Alex Rios.
Greg Holland – It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t easy. It wasn’t without me cursing at my iPad screen while Kelvin warmed up in the bullpen. But Holland got the save. I wonder if this is how the Dutch felt in 1945. I’d continue to hold Kelvin, like he’s the little red hammer hanging next to the ‘In Emergency’ case.
Eduardo Escobar – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He didn’t actually hit the home run. Escobar muled the ball inside Parmelee’s colon and Parmelee jumped the fence.
John Axford – 2/3 IP, 3 ER. Due to us having, like, 15 teams, we accidentally had Axford in our starting lineup in one league. Ugh, sonavastart, which autocorrect wanted to make Sonic ashtray. That I believe is an even better description of what this felt like. A half-drunk milkshake from Sonic filled with half-smoked butts. Axford — you are a Sonic ashtray!
Wily Peralta – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, and we didn’t start Peralta. Sonavabench! Though, we didn’t start him by design. I still don’t fully trust Peralta, but another decent start like yesterday (I didn’t say quality start or solid) would go a long way to helping me fall into his arms.
Kyuji Fujikawa – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save. The Cubs might say they could return Marmol to the ninth inning, but unless Fujikawa blows a few games in a row while cursing Ron Santo’s name, Marmol’s out.
Coco Crisp – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam & legs, showing Coco Crisp knows breakfast.
Carlos Quentin – Left yesterday’s game after being hit on the wrist. Never would’ve happened to Don Baylor. He has a butt on his wrist. Fact!
Will Venable – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and the slam & legs. This was his first homer and first steal. He has a perfectly balanced scale on his vision board.
Josh Beckett – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Two tears in a bucket, this start was in Petco…Beckett!
Hanley Ramirez – This week he will have the cast removed from his thumb. That could solve the mystery as to what happened to his hamster’s business suit hanger.
