Holy hell, what just happened? This week was supposed to be about all the pomp and circumstance of opening day. Then a closenado happened, a whirlwind of job loss and fake unemployment questions. I mean, before two games ended, two closers were replaced. That’s just silly stupid, like buying a pack of crayons without the built in sharpener. Useless. Roenicke and Ventura, I am putting a sfortuna and a pox on both your households. Moves like this usually lead to managerial unemployment, so maybe we aren’t so bad off, as both look well fixated on the Kohl’s managerial program. To make things worse, Bobby P fell down and ‘Papa Grande’ came tumbling after.
This is the second worst week ever, worst being when my Alma mater, JFK Regional Middle School, was assasinated by Lyndon B. Johnson Tech in scooter hockey. Nothing to lose your head over, but it was sad. Too soon? So the questions I keep getting everywhere I go is: how do I see this all turning out between their replacements? Matt Lindstrom is there to boost his value and to get more for a trade later on in the year. K-Rod is only there because Roenicke is bitter with the effort from the ‘Muppet Master’, and has shown him a lesson that he will have to basically choke his father in law with effort to get the job back. Lastly, Parnell took the whole ‘I’m injured and a Met’ thing literally. Valverde has the least amount of push from behind as Lindstrom and Francisco Rodriguez. It all makes too much sense that in two weeks the Mets are down to a third or fourth option. The only reason I like Valverde better right now is the list of names behind him, Germen, Rice, Stalin…oops tried to slip one past ya. Maybe Vic Black is the answer after getting detention out of ST, or don’t rule out a veteran signing like a Kevin Gregg or Joel Hanrahan. Who knows with those crazy sideshow Mets? So here’s the new list after the closenado of 2014. Usually I skip a week but I asked the middle relievers and they said go ahead, no one really pays attention to them anyways.
Marry
What’s better than having the comfort of having a great stand-by at home? Nothing. It helps you, it lives for you and gosh darn’it, you can do with it as you please, under the jurisdictions of the law. It’s got a nice pre-kids body and a penchant for baking. So we have the roster stalwarts that you want to have and hold for this season forward.
1. Craig Kimbrel – (David Carpenter, Luis Avilan, Jordan Walden)
2. Kenley Jansen – (Chris Perez, Paco Rodriguez, Brian Wilson-DL)
3. Greg Holland – (Wade Davis, Aaron Crow, Tim Collins)
4. Trevor Rosenthal – (Carlos Martinez, Kevin Seigrist, Jason Motte)
5. Koji Uehara – (Edward Mujica, Junichi Tazawa)
6. Joe Nathan – (Al Albuquerque, Joba Chamberlain, Ian Krol)
7. Glen Perkins – (Jared Burton, Caleb Theibar, Casey Fien)
F@#$
These guys are fun, and maybe some day you’ll want to marry them, but right now they have their flaws and you’re not sure if you wanna take them home to mom. So you give them the special booty-call ring designation on your phone, and you get everything that marriage can’t give you. Stats are the important thing here, and lots of them, no obligations. No alimony attached, just straight unadulterated stats.
8. Sergio Romo – (Santiago Casilla, Jeremy Affeldt,)
9. Grant Balfour – (Heath Bell, Joel Peralta, Jake McGee)
10. David Robertson – (Matt Thornton, Shawn Kelley, David Phelps)
11. Addison Reed – (J.J. Putz, Brad Ziegler, David Hernandez)
12. Ernesto Frieri – (Joe Smith, Dane de la Rosa)
13. Jason Grilli – (Mark Melancon, Justin Wilson, Tony Watson)
14. Fernando Rodney – (Danny Farquhar, Charlie Furbush, Tom Wilhelmsen)
15. Jonathon Papelbon – (Antonio Bastardo, Jake Diekman, Justin De Fratus)
16. Huston Street – (Joaquin Benoit, Nick Vincent, Dale Thayer)
17. Steve Cishek – (A.J. Ramos, Mike Dunn, Carter Capps)
18. Rafael Soriano – (Tyler Clippard, Craig Stammen, Drew Storen)
19. Jim Johnson – (Sean Doolittle, Luke Gregerson, Ryan Cook-DL)
Kill
Should be self-explanatory. There is no comfort in this grouping, along with the fear of looking suspicious when buying a new shovel and some lyme when all that you wanna do is plant a new butterfly bush. The jib? The newly injured replacements are here or just they’re just the unproven. All should be laid to rest, unless desperation or injury becomes you. Don’t get comfy, death or stat-suicide may be closer than it appears.
20. John Axford – (Cody Allen, Vinnie Pestano)
21. Joakim Soria – (Neal Cotts, Jason Frasor, Robbie Ross)
22. Tommy Hunter – (Darren O’Day, Ryan Webb)
23. Sergio Santos – (Steve Delabar, Brett Cecil)
24. Jose Veras – (Pedro Strop, James Russell, Blake Parker)
25. LaTroy Hawkins – (Rex Brother, Matt Belisle, Adam Ottavino)
26. Matt Lindstrom – (Nate Jones, Ronald Belisario, Daniel Webb)
27. Francisco Rodriguez – (Jim Henderson, Brandon Kintzler)
28. Jose Valverde – (Gonzalez Germen, Scott Rice, Vic Black)
29. J.J. Hoover (Jonathon Broxton, Manny Parra, Sean Marshall)
30. Josh Fields – (Chad Qualls, Matt Albers, Jesse Crain)
