What Yahoo Is Putting Together These Fantasy Baseball Rankings?

On one hand, we have Evan Longoria at 7 and Yahoo has him at 13 in their O-Ranks, so we can get Longoria.  On the other hand, they have Dee Gordon at 96 in their O-Ranks and we have him at 165, so we’re not getting Gordon without reaching.  On the lesser known, third hand that is actually a foot wearing a mitten, what on earth is an O-Rank?  Sounds like something a teenager would say when they forgot to take their garbage out for six months.  Alas, I found the definition, “The “O-Rank” is an overall player rank based on current and prior seasons. Since it provides such a full spectrum analysis of a players abilities, the “O-Rank” is the method used for determining auto-picks in our draft for full Yahoo! Fantasy Sports games.”  A full spectrum analysis?  Who wrote this, Stephen Hawking?  I Googled “full spectrum analysis” and Google said “Do you mean gobbledygook?”  Actually, no lie, but the only other time “full spectrum analysis” was used since Al Gore invented the internet was in regards to gamma rays.  I don’t know the first thing about gamma rays, but the term “full spectrum analysis” actually makes sense to me more in regards to gamma rays than fantasy baseball rankings.  Well, whatever the case may be, we’re gonna say Yahoo’s O-Ranks are their rankings.  Key word is rank, I suppose.

“Ooh, I’m a Yahoo ‘pert and I love Michael Bourn and anyone covering Total Eclipse of the Heart.”  That’s Funston and Evans while they compile the rankings and watch The Voice.  They are just as high on Michael Bourn as every other ‘pert this and that side of the Mississippi minus Razzball.  I already went over my thoughts on Bourn’s supremacy and how everyone’s forgot his true identity:  SAGNOF!   Same goes for Curtis Granderson, who I labeled a schmohawk.  At least Yahoo didn’t put him in the top 20, that’s just common Curtis-y.  Pun point!

No one likes Jay Bruce, but me.  Honestly, I have no idea how this happened and it’s about the most puzzling thing going on this preseason.  When Bruce was first called up, the fantasy baseball community embraced him immediately, labeled him Bruuuuuuuuuuce and sold the Ohio Turnpike to the Middle East in his honor as reported by Matt Taibbi.  Now, we’re coming off a season where he finally put everything together and he’s going to be 25 years old.  This is the time to move on from him?  I nearly put Bruce in my top 20 overall (ended up just outside of it at 27) and Yahoo has him at 51.  I’ll happily go with Bruce in every league, and that’s not just the Jersey in me talking.  Though I do write with one hand and fist pump with the other.

Rather than going through all of their wonky player rankings, I’ve made a chart.  “Yo, Differences Between My Rankings and O-Ranks, you’ve been charted!”  The positive numbers mean you have a good chance of getting those players if you follow my rankings.  The negative numbers mean Yahoo’s ranked these players higher than me.  Help for this chart was provided by frequent commenters, MattTruss223 and Cheese.  Promotional consideration was provided by Wheat Thins, “Now go eat yourself thin!”