ESPN’s 2018 Fantasy Baseball Rankings, White Snake And Underwear Sauce

Our 2018 Razzball Commenters Leagues are in full signup mode.  I even heard there were a few people from Anonymous that signed up!  They said, “To the world, I’m Anonymous, just another white man who sits in parking lots with binoculars watching women.”  Man, that Anonymous guy is depressing!  As we always do about this time, I eviscerate the haters and complicators!  I eviscerate the not-knowers and the over-knowers!  I eviscerate the ESPN goers and the garden hoers!  I overuse a word like eviscerate that I just learned!  I am the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it) and I’ve come for your children!  See, because blog writing doesn’t pay so well, I’ve taken a second job as a bus driver, so I’m literally here for your kids.  Like a baller!  A shot caller!  An “I’m outside of Hot Topic at the maller!”  My eviscerating (I’m conjugating my new word!) today comes at the expense of ESPN and their 2018 fantasy baseball rankings.  To the tune of Baby Blue (Feat. Chance the Rapper) by Action Bronson:

[Verse 1: Grey Albright]

Because you know Treat Urner is the shizz,
I paid for the bed and now Cody Bellinger and I are sleeping in it,
I’ll pay for Acuna and the batter’s box he may never step foot in,
And now somebody else is eating those 120 innings deGrom might put in,
Things change, now Giancarlo is a Yankee and I’m wooden,
ESPN rankings got ya on the skids, like an old Doc Gooden.

Pray tell how is OZUNA in ESPN’s rankings after Benintendi, Justin Upton, Yelich and right behind Robinson Cano?  Let me see if I can justify it, boi scrambles to obi, which is a sash worn on a kimono, and OZUNA eats kimodo dragons for breakfast, and my autocorrect changes obvi to obi, so yeah I CAN’T MAKE SENSE OF IT.  Go to our Steamer Hitter projections and copy and paste this –> ozuna|*benintendi|*justin upton|*yelich <– into the Name column.  OZUNA has the most homers, 2nd best AVG, best RBIs and 3rd best runs.  His steals are the lowest, but you can’t find eight steals elsewhere?  Please tell me you can find eight steals elsewhere.  PLEASE.  As for Cano, you can apples/oranges, tomatoes/potatoes, outfielder/2nd baseman me all you want, but OZUNA or Cano?  Is this close?  I will win* 100% of the leagues where someone drafts Cano in front of OZUNA.  One hundred raised up with red underlines!  All day, e’eryday.  Ulcer’s erupting, moving on.  *I may not win 100% of leagues where someone drafts Cano instead of Ozuna, because I have to make 25-ish other picks.

[Verse 2: Grey Albright]

So many fantasy baseball ‘perts wanna call me crazy,
And you wonder why I ain’t call you lately,
Some would say my mustache is a symbol for sex and uh,
Others wanna hate, but that means I can get Rendon for less,
And you could draft whatever,
My specialty is white snake and underwear sauce.

Last year, I told you to avoid Rick Porcello and ESPN recommended him.  Well, no dur.  He was coming off a Cy Young.  Of course, ESPN recommended him.  This is how they do:

“Should we rank Player A high?”
“Is Player A known?”
“Does that matter?”
“Yes.”
“Can you say who Player A is because saying Player A is confusing?”
“Yes.”
“When?”
….

THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU!  Yahoo’s got its problems, but they show their work.  Here’s how ESPN thinks:  Players that are known commodities they rank high.  They rank to avoid the least amount of waves.  Last year, Porcello was ranked 73rd overall.  Ya’ll seriously telling me a 29-year-old went from 73rd to 228th in their rankings this year?  See, they didn’t think I was coming with receipts.  I got receipts like CVS, snitches!

[Verse 3: Grey the Rapper]

I hope Bumgarner gets a paper cut on his thumb,
From changing tires while trying to make the X Games cut,
I hope every Shohei (hitter and pitcher) is shaken up,
I hope your streams dry like raisins in the baking sun,
I hope your closer committees all saggy with lots of Fernando Rodneys.

Most of my sleepers that I wrote about almost two months ago held true as I figured they would.  As I said back then, I have a pretty good idea who the big box sites will like.  I’m way up on Trey Mancini (sleeper), Blake Snell (sleeper), Eddie Rosario (sleeper), Tim Anderson (sleeper), Michael Wacha (sleeper) and Luis Castillo (sleeper).  By the way, last year I mocked ESPN for having Michael Brantley ranked 79th overall.  This year they didn’t even rank Brantley.  Welcome to the show, ESPN!   Go against people who use ESPN rankings and it’s gonna be like, “Come on, big fella, you drunk, big fella.”  Oops, wrong Chance the Rapper song.

Now on the less-Action Bronson (feat. Chance the Rapper) tip, here’s a chart of the biggest values from ESPN to me (Thank you!) and the players that ESPN overrates (No thank you!).  A small note, since I did this chart last week, ESPN has already adjusted their rankings, so some of these might be a little off, but it goes to show you the influence I’m having on them.  They so shook, y’all!

THANK YOU

NO THANK YOU