Damn, after reading that title, now I want to eat pasta. Has anyone ever watched The Godfather and not wanted to eat Italian right after? It’s an American rite of passage. Once you’re old enough to crave Italian food after The Godfather, then you’re an adult. That should be the only test to vote or get into the military. “Listen, maggot, you want to go fight for your country? Then sit down and watch this three-hour movie and tell me what you want to eat afterwards. If you want a burger, fries and extra ketchup, you’re a baby. Go home.” Adam Duvall homered last night off Clifford Lee, and Duvall had 26 homers in Triple-A this year in 310 ABs. Of course, they play in the PCL, a league that pumps their baseballs with helium. He will only fill-in while Brandon Belt is on the concussion DL, but that could be anywhere from a week to a month. In NL-Only leagues, I’d definitely grab him, and even look at him in deeper mixed leagues, if you’re desperate. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Dan Uggla – Signed by Giants to a minor league deal and specifically by Brian Sabean, MLB’s cougar hunter. In conjunction with this signing, Sabean was awarded the Purple Heart from the US Department of Baseball Veterans Affairs.
Matt Cain – Hit the DL with elbow inflammation. The years of beating off nerds and their FIP talk has really taken its toll on Cain.
Cliff Lee – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER as he was activated from the DL. It was reported that after the game Cliff Lee farted emphatically when asked about trade rumors. Weird, because usually the runs come after that.
Grady Sizemore – 1-for-5, 1 run. Phils are really committed to batting Sizemore lead-0ff. Oops, I meant, they should be committed.
Cody Asche – 3-for-4, 1 run. Hasn’t done much of anything, leading into this game, but you know I have my sparkling emerald eyes watching him like a cyclops with a monocle.
Tommy Milone – He asked the A’s to trade him. Specifically, he asked to be traded to the Phils for Marlon Byrd. Also, Milone sounded a lot like Marlon Byrd and Ryne Sandberg could be heard in the background saying, “Marlon, get off the phone while you’re in the dugout.”
Edinson Volquez – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER. So glad I took him off my NL-Only bench and into my lineup. So glad. I have an urge to have Patrick Dempsey crap into a brown paper bag and throw it at Ray Searage’s house.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 3.39. I almost ranked Ryu very high in my top 100 for the 2nd half, due to how much our Rest of the Season Player Rater loves him. I sorta get the love too. His walk rate is miniscule and his xFIP is 3.29. He’s probably easier to get in a trade than a lot of guys that are pitching as well as him.
Juan Uribe – 2-for-5, and 5-for-9 in his last two games. Anyone that knows the Madness of the Mustache knows whenever Uribe gets multiple hits, I look at him as an immediate hot schmotato.
Hanley Ramirez – Didn’t start yesterday after getting beaned on his armus connectushand, which is obviously Latin for wrist.
Yasiel Puig – Also didn’t start yesterday with a bruised hand. Shame it wasn’t braised, Puig. Mmm, Pweeg…
Drew Hutchison – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER. I’m gonna have one more sip of this Mai Tai, then it’s off to bed…Wait a second, why are these men standing over me? Hold on, is that my kidney they’re putting in a double-wide Igloo? Egads!!! I’ve been roofied!
John Lackey – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA down to 3.66. Dah, I need to get over my fear of the Blue Jays and stream against them, at least while Encarnacion is out. Worst should’ve streamed ever!
David Ortiz – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and 2 homers (21, 22). How is Wrath of Kane not Big Papi’s walk-up music? For serious. The live version. “He has arrived…At the Apollo…Big Papi…” Crowd goes crazy for like seven minutes. Why is Big Daddy Kane not a guest MC on every rap song? We really need more Nicki Minaj? That gets me so angry. Oh, and hello to Big Daddy Kane, who I’m sure has Google Alerts. I love you, man!
Mike Napoli – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 12th homer. He keeps adding on to his record, “Most Home Runs Ever For Someone Whose Mom’s Nip Slip Was On The Internet.” I wonder if that will one day help him with HOF voters.
Daniel Nava – 3-for-5, 2 runs. Really hard to say who is hot coming out of yesterday’s game because the Red Sox scored a bazillion runs off Hutchison and Brad “Generally Sucks” Mills. Nava has been hitting over .400 in the last week and, if you owned him last year pre-All-Star break, you know he can be valuable.
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks. So psyched to see him rock the house after his two most recent drubbings that I now have butterflies in my stomach. Bee tee dubya, the standard definition of ‘butterflies in stomach’ to indicate nervousness doesn’t make any sense. Butterflies are beautiful and if they’re in my stomach then I’m experiencing something wonderful. You messed up, idiom!
Evan Gattis – 1-for-3 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin in ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department says, “Get him in your lineup or else! Kidding, what am I going to do? I don’t even have a parking space.”
Tom Koehler – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Krazy Braves. Stream-o-Nator hated this start, but I’m under the impression anyone is worth streaming against the Braves for Ks. Seriously, help me, I’m under this impression!
Chris Sale – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 2.03. Scary when I need to look at a player’s page to see if seven innings of one-run ball lowered a guy’s ERA. It did, barely. I just thought of something that is tangentially related (unlike the rest of this post), I bet the White Sox reach the postseason in Sale’s last year with the club, and then they lose him to the Yankees and are a terrible team again the following year.
Adam Eaton – 2-for-3, 1 run and his 10th steal, and 2nd in as many games. He’s finally hot. Grab him, right now. For serious. This will be here when you get back, go!
Jake Petricka – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. Ugh, I don’t know. I’ve had Putnam and Petricka a half dozen times and they haven’t recorded one save on my team. Robin Ventura just wants to take the road less traveled. In this scenario, I(nterstate) Won’t Name A Closer, and it’s bottlenecked with save vultures signaling left then right then pulling off the road to have a cigarette.
Michael Wacha – His MRI and CT scan on his shoulder were encouraging, and he might return in September. SMHSWAAYSPWAT: Shaking My Head, Still Worried About A Young… Shoot, that acronym was so long I forgot what it stood for. Intern, check acronyms dot com! It’s not there?! Let me see… You don’t spell out dot com. Who hired you?
Asdrubal Cabrera – Left yesterday’s game with back spasms. I.e. Spazdrubal.
Josh Willingham – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .217. Willingham’s at the point where he’s not even in the lineup every day, ceding to Sam Fuld at times. So the Twins have figured out you gotta know when to hold them and know when to Fuld them.
Billy Hamilton – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. He has more homers than Ryan Zimmerman, Josh Hamilton, Jason Kipnis, Alex Rios… Okay, I’m gonna stop before I have to pretend that I’m crying because I’m watching a Lifetime movie.
Mat Latos – 7 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA up to 3.15. If you own him, it could’ve been worse. You could’ve been in the same room as his wife while she read her tweets yesterday.
Wily Peralta – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 3.58. J.B. just gave you his starter ranks, and has Wily in the low 40’s. That would make Wily around a number three to four in a twelve team league, which feels a bit aggressive for a guy with a 6.7 K/9. That is quibbling, he’s not far from that.
Mark Teixeira – Will miss 3 to 4 days with a mild lat strain. Gotta keep your mid-section strong to avoid these, Te(i)x. That’s why I keep my abs washboard-like. My abs are so washboard I clean my shirt while I’m wearing it.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer. You better hope my Ellsbury voodoo doll stays in my closet next to my still-in-the-package Cabbage Patch Kids.
Miles Mikolas – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, lowering his ERA to 7.48. Mikolas is doing is home country, the small island of Mypos, proud.
Shin-Soo Choo – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. And you said he retired in April.
Jake Smolinski – 2-for-3, 1 run, hitting .389. Hard to take a guy with a name like Smolinski serious. Harder to take a guy with minor league stats like Smolinski serious. Smolinski has been hot. Smolderlinski even.
Ubaldo Jimenez – Scratched from his Wednesday rehab start. Ubaldo said, “I’m not where I should be to be able to go into a game.” Try Google Maps, Ubaldo.
Adam Jones – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and two homers (18, 19). As Tyler Skaggs would sing, Jones, look what you’ve done to me. Never thought I’d fall again so easily. Oh, Jones, you wouldn’t lie to me, leading me to feel this way.
Erick Aybar – Didn’t start yesterday with a sore right groin. His left groin was disappointed, expecting to play since it just got manscaped.
Matt Shoemaker – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. Oh. I mean, hello, there! I’m getting a tingly sensation in my nethers and I don’t think that’s from too much MSG. Move over, Arrieta, I got a new crush in town! Okay, you don’t have to move over so far that you’re no longer in the picture. I still like you. Shoemaker has a 9.35 K/9 and a 1.95 BB/9. You know I love me some strikeout-minus-walk ratio stuff, and that’s it in abundance. He needs to stop giving up so many homers (unless they’re to Adam Jones; that’s okay), and he seems prone to blow-ups, but I could see grabbing him if you need some strikeout upside. I’m intrigued, y’all!
Justin Verlander – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 4.84. He couldn’t shut down one of the worst teams in the NL, with the pitcher batting. Has he shut down anyone this year? Great question, Oh Rhetorical One. He has exactly one game this year where he’s allowed zero runs (it was a 5-inning outing where he walked four), and he’s given up less than two runs in no other games. Zoinks!
Austin Jackson – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Eh, he’s only hitting near .500 in the last two weeks and batting lead-off for one the top offenses in the majors. Why would you want that? Shoot, sorry, I had the Sarcastic Lock key pressed.
Torii Hunter – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Another day, another home run for the newest Zombino. Eat that brain custard, Double I!
Mike Zunino – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer. Who’s Zunino’ing who?
Roenis Elias – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. the Mess. The Stream-o-Nator liked this start, but I didn’t have big enough berries in my Underoos to start him. He then left with forearm cramping so he’s advised to take two Midol and you’re advised to be careful of his next start. You have been advised!
Ian Desmond – 5-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Game was in Coors, but it’s not like the rest of the Nats took advantage of Coors with some beer goggles. I’m stink-eyeing in your direction Zimmerman.
Troy Tulowitzki – Out again yesterday with his sore quad. C’mon, get healthy! That’s me getting on my high horse and Yellin’ at Troy.
Justin Morneau – Hit the DL with a neck strain. The Rockies called up Ben Paulsen (2-for-4, 1 RBI), who sounds like a morning talk show host. “Coming up after the break, the latest in designer swimwear…for your pet fish. That’s right, Susan, little Speedos for your guppy. I’m Ben Paulsen and we’re here to, ‘Wake Up Your Day!'” Or you can call him “The Treasurer” since Ben Bernake was the Federal Reserve head and Henry Paulson was head of the Treasury. Ben Paulsen finally breaks the long Rockie tradition of going with a veteran at first base rather than a rookie. I sure hope he only plays at night though, otherwise he’s going to get very sunburn. Paulsen could hit for a little power in Coors, but he didn’t hit for much power in the PCL (15 HRs in 347 ABs), and that league is like hitting with an aluminum bat on the moon. Paulsen, though, can throw it to commercial with the best of them or get us out of this recession.