Alex Cobb woke up in the middle of October and told his significant other that he was happy to be moving on from the Rays. It was time to get out of the AL East. Sure, Tropicana Field wasn’t unfriendly to his needs as a pitcher. Over his career, he had a home ERA of 3.10. But, ya know what? It was time to move on. Then, he woke one day in December, and told his significant other that at the Winter Meetings, NL teams would be ‘chomping on the Cobb.’ Then, off her reaction, he asked if she’d excuse the pun. Then, one day in January, as he scratched his flip-flopped feet on the deck of his boat in the Gulf, he thought about how maybe the Rays weren’t a bad club to pitch for. Then, in February, he called the Mariners’ front office with a voice modulator asking them if they needed a veteran starter. Then, in early March, he bought a Korean language Rosetta Stone as he prepped to play overseas. So, Alex Cobb signed with the Orioles, and *sighs* starts against the Yankees and Red Sox still, but now in Camden. His starts are gonna be like this: pitch is thrown, batter swings bat and screams, “Nailed it!” This feels like a move that could lead to a 4.05 ERA or a 4.85 ERA. I’m no longer interested in owning Cobb and have moved him into my top 100 starters and down the ol’ top 500 overall. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2018 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Player projections for each of the next 7 days. A kick-ass DFS lineup optimizer and projections for DraftKings, FanDuel, and Yahoo!.
And we have have our first stupid team decision! Don’t worry, there will be more. Or maybe I should say Willie be more. Or maybe should say Willie be less now. The Rangers decided to send down Willie Calhoun to start the year. I’d laugh if I wasn’t so horrified by this terrible decision. Talk about blatantly thinking about a bottom line vs. what’s best for the team. On one hand, Willie Calhoun was ready to help the team win right now. On the other hand, the Rangers are as cheap as my Jewish grandmother who used to order three free lemon wedges, two sugar packets and make lemonade at the table. Hey, she escaped Nazi Germany in the middle of the night. What’s your excuse, Texas Rangers?! In my Willie Calhoun fantasy from way back in October, I predicted Calhoun could be in the minors until June. Looks like I didn’t underestimate the Rangers’ boneheadedness (big word of the day!). Now the Rangers will go with a blahtoon of the Asian lion, Ryan Rua, and Drew Robinson. I’ve updated my top 100 outfielders, top 500 and War Room. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2018 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Scott Boras is pushing this “MLB owners are in collusion” narrative, and what better way to push that agenda than have Mike Moustakas turn down a $17.4 million dollar qualifying offer from the Royals to re-sign with them for $6.5 million. Boras is playing a long con here, and no one’s seeing it! But I see it! *takes index and middle finger and points at eyes, then points at picture of Boras* You know who Mike Moustakas needed as his agent? Regina King. She is doggedly persistent. Have you ever seen Regina King quit? Oh hell no. There’s no quit in that woman in every role she’s in. If Scott Boras were married to Cuba Gooding Jr. in Jerry Maguire, Cuba would’ve signed for chump change, and never waited for his quan moment. Moustakas needs to hire Regina King, stat! So, I haven’t changed anything in my projection and ranking for Moustakas in my top 20 3rd basemen for 2018 fantasy baseball with this re-signing, because that was the baseline I was projecting off of anyway. Now to see if I can get Regina King to do my auction bidding for me. Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2018 fantasy baseball:
Psyche! Before we get into the post, there are a few RCL drafts this weekend that need you! You as in you you. Why are you looking over your shoulder? I’m talking to you! Sign up for a league, and if we don’t fill them, you’ll get your money back, but let’s assume they will be filled because you like to win some cash-money. Yes, you you still! Also, in those leagues are JayWrong and MattTruss, so you know the leagues will be talked about on the site. Anyway, the roundup:Please, blog, may I have some more?
“I’ll always remember 2018 as the year baseball’s free agents didn’t sign until February,” which is exactly what someone says after listing 3,500 things they’ll remember about 2018 before when baseball free agents signed. J.D. Martinez finally signed in Boston for $110 million, after being previously offered $150 million, $105 million, $141 million, $15 million (this one was just to see if he was paying attention) and $300 million. J.D. Martinez didn’t negotiate a contract, he was picking suitcases on Deal of No Deal. “Howie, I’m going to take the #4 suitcase and give back the $150 million suitcase.” *three days later* “Well, that sucked.” Yeah, I’m not sure what J.D. was doing. His name is definitely not Just Deal, because he dragged his heels for three weeks and seemed to lose a lot of money, and bargaining ability. Any hoo! In the top 20 for 2018 fantasy baseball, here’s what I said, “Here’s what I would’ve said, had Martinez signed somewhere, “Sure, going to Chase Field for half a season in a walk year is like having some half-baked rhymes and getting to work with Dr. Dre. You can throw out there a line like, “You think I’m being a cock with my rhyme, but I think chickens keep the thyme,” and that shizz goes triple-platinum even though no one but seventeen hipsters in Brooklyn buy albums anymore. What do call a millennial that says ‘Bedford-Thighvethant?’ A lispster. Take it, Highlights, it’s yours. Being in Chase for half a season in his walk year was like being a nobody-nothing who is working an assistant job cleaning out potted plants that Weinstein just irrigated, then finding out you have a high count of midichlorians in your blood and you’re mothereffin’ Frank Skywalker, Luke’s other kid. And you’re not Frank Skywalker like Frank Stallone, but you have some real qualities to add to the mythology. That’s J.D.’s last year. However (Grey’s turning the ship around?), J.D.’s able to hit wherever he’s played. His home/away splits in his career are better at home, but everyone’s are. It’s just easier to hit at home because you’re sleeping in your house, you don’t need to travel, you don’t have to tell the hotel’s front desk to please tell Archie Bradley’s room to be quiet. Road scholars are rare, and are a little weird anyway. Only thing stopping Just Dong, and what has also stopped him in the past is his health. Other than subtracting 75 ABs from the bottom line, there’s not much we can do with that, i.e., I love J.D. but there’s injury risk.'” And that’s me quoting hypothetical me! As I said in the above blurb, Just Dong is who he is, and Fenway’s gonna be a lovely place for him to just, uh, dong. With the signing of Just Dong, Hanley’s going to play 1st base, which means it will take one throw into the first base line for Hanley to lose his arm, and I lowered him in my top 20 1st basemen for 2018 fantasy baseball. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this spring training for 2018 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
It’s the Winter Meetings, Part 2: This Time Free Agents Are Really Signing. Starring as Eric Hosmer is Turtle!
Starring as Wil Myers is your goofy friend from high school who now works for Enterprise Rent-A-Car:
Trailer Voice, “What if all of MLB’s owners weren’t in collusion….But just the rich teams!” In the last few days, the Padres, Twins and Rays got some deals done, which is kinda like shuffling the deck chairs on the Titanic. Some ‘perts will likely move Hosmer down in their rankings, but I always assumed Hosmer would be a Padre, and ranked and projected him as one in my top 20 1st basemen for 2018 fantasy baseball. There, I said, “Here’s what I will say when Hosmer signs, “I made the case last year that Hosmer was Joey Votto Jr. I called him Kangaroo Embryo. I just thought of a kangaroo wearing a Kangol, but I’ve never thought about an alligator wearing an Izod shirt, I’ll have to discuss this with my shrink. At one point, Wil Myers said he’d move to the outfield for Eric Hosmer to come to the Padres, and I thought to myself, “If I were Hosmer, I’d tell Myers to please not do me any favors.” San Diego is like the Trojan Horse of cities (for baseball and just visiting). It’s like this, “Oh, man, San Diego is gorgeous. What’s this, 77 degrees every day? I can get used to this!” Five minutes later, “I am bored out of mind.” Five minutes after, “Damn, can we get out of here?” Ten minutes after that, “If I see one more white person in flip-flops I’m going to readily embrace going to Tijuana.” Any hoo! Hosmer isn’t exactly a home run hitter. His fly balls were goofy low last year for a guy with 25 homers. He was the third lowest for fly balls (22.2%), fourth highest ground balls and the 29th lowest for Hard Contact. He does hit a decent amount of line drives, and feels like a 23-26 homer guy with a few more fly balls. He might be Kangaroo Embryo this year, but to emulate Joey Votto Jr. he’s going to need to elevate the ball more.” And that’s me quoting future me!” And that’s me quoting me quoting future me! Anyway, here’s what else I saw in spring training for 2018 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
As the big market maxim goes, if you can’t draft ’em, sign ’em. The Cubs have struggled to produce major league-ready pitching, and rather than rely on a solid, if unspectacular pitching staff, they signed Yu Darvish for a shizzton of money, though likely his going rate. Speaking of which, have you heard all the whispers of collusion? This one doesn’t involve Russians, unless Scott Boras has Russian ancestry. Have to check 23 and Me for that. This offseason seems to be dropping breadcrumbs towards a work stoppage in 2021. Hopefully, I’m wrong. However, when teams are making hundreds of millions of dollars, then refusing to pay free agents things start to look suspicious. Not to mention, Derek Jeter seems to have shorted Marlins stock. When you sell off the whole team to make $60 million in revenue sharing, eyebrows are raised. Unfortunately, for Jeter, it wasn’t his eyebrows, because his forehead seems to be losing hair by the day, and he could use some raised eyebrows to cover that shiny dome. Any hoo! As I said in the top 20 starters for 2018 fantasy baseball, “Yu signed with the Cubs for $126 million. If you just had Siri read that off to you, stop celebrating, and get off the phone with the Lambo dealer. It’s not you you, it’s Yu Darvish. Not saying this is everything, but I just looked at the park factors for Wrigley vs. Dodger Stadium. I mean, I knew they were grossly in favor of Dodger Stadium for pitchers, but I just wanted to confirm. And, what do you know, I confirmed it. Darvish had a 3.44 ERA in Los Angeles in 49 2/3 IP, and, while Wrigley won’t be as gentle, it won’t be any worse than Arlington, where he played previously with success. He feels like a richer Archer. Call him, Robin Hood: Prince of Ks.” And that’s me quoting me! I also updated Darvish in the top 100 for 2018 fantasy baseball, the top 500 for 2018 fantasy baseball and the pitchers’ pairings. Finally, Rudy updated his fantasy baseball rankings and Darvish moved up about 30 spots. That reminds me of the DJ Khaled song produced for the Huffington Post called, Clickbait Drop. I upped Darvish’s projections, and moved him into a more favorable tier, realizing I had been too harsh on him previously. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2018 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Yo, this winter trading season has been a Bomb Cyclone, but not as in the winter storm, or a flurry of moves, but rather the Bomb Cyclone, the Coney Island roller coaster that kills one of four riders. “This doesn’t seem that rickety.” Three minutes later, “Is the wooden plank I’m sitting on supposed to be falling to the ground from 75 feet in the air?” Seriously, is this the worst offseason for player signings and/or trades? Players aren’t even signing in dribs and drabs, they’re not signing at all. My rankings start on Monday, and I have dozens of players that read something like, “Still a free agent, so this could change.” By the way, a urologist should put on his business card, “Specializes in drips and drabs.” As for Gerrit Cole being traded to the Astros, this sorta sums him up:
Astros fans: Gerrit Cole is so much better than his numbers.
Pirates fans: So glad we’re no longer the ones justifying how Gerrit Cole is better than his numbers.
— Razzball (@Razzball) January 10, 2018
I might go back in on Cole if he can turn his career around from his 4.26 ERA last year, but I’m waiting for him to flip a U-ey before I hunker down in his bunker. I’ve been burned way too many times by, “Cole’s looking great in his start…Damn, if it wasn’t for that 3-run homer he allowed in the sixth, that would’ve been a solid start.” Yeah, I’m done with that. Since I wasn’t going near Cole anyway, I’m actually more disappointed by this move because it bumps Brad Peacock from the rotation. Peacock’s bloomage looked to be peaking. All of Peacock’s numbers were more attractive to me than Cole. Alas, it doesn’t matter. Peacock is out of the rotation until there’s an injury. Though, this does help solidify Trevor Williams’ place in the Pirates’ rotation. Here’s my Trevor Williams sleeper. Me likey! For 2018, I’ll give Gerrit Cole the projections of 13-10/3.78/1.23/181 in 195 IP. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2018 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Giants went out and traded for the 32-year-old Evan Longoria, who has rapidly been declining for years. Please, keep that in mind while I run down their lineup. Hitting leadoff…Steven Duggar? Is that the Christian with 52 kids who is cheating on his wife with his butler or some shizz? Maybe, it’s definitely not Christian Arroyo, he was traded. Hitting 2nd…Joe Panik? We’re only two guys in, but Panik, indeed. Then will come their newly-minted three-hole hitter, Longoria, followed by the 14-homer, don’t-touch-his-pretty-boy-face, Buster Posey. Please never let me see another one of those commercials with Posey in it. Please. Next up! A guy whose hits are described as “belting one” because his last name is Belt, and for no other reason. It is completely and unequivocally not because he hits the ball hard. Followed by…Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it my 72-year-old aunt trying to throw a baseball? No, it’s The Gangly Manbird, Hunter Pence. Next up, some combination of Brandon Crawford, Jarrett Parker and let’s hope Madison Bumgarner knocks in a runner otherwise they’re going to lose 95 games. As my intern, let’s call him, Lalph Rifshitz would say, that’s primo, bud. As for Longoria, he should feel at home with the Giants since he is used to being in places that collect old people. On the bright side, Longoria plays a lot, staying on the field. On the dim side, you kinda wish he’d take more days off. For 2018, I’ll give Longoria the projections of 86/22/94/.271/2 in 608 ABs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Carlos Santana was signed by the Phils. Did Carlos Santana ever have a song called, “Harumph?” Cause he’s making me harumph all over the place. Doesn’t Hoskins play 1B? Will Santana move to 3rd? I agree, Maikel hasn’t been great, but he’s too young to give up on. Maybe Santana plays outfield? Hoskins plays outfield? Maybe they juggle left field? Maybe they juggle balls hit to them in left field? Maybe they’re juggalos? I got questions, y’all! The scenario of Hoskins in the outfield seems most likely with Franco getting pushed down the order, but not out of the lineup entirely. This might be something to watch in the spring with The Jacked Up Jew, and how he manages his new Latin classic rock guitarist. As for Santana, his stats last year look like that of an aging slugger. Carlos Santana’s gone from Oye Como Va to a hard-of-hearing Latino, ‘Oye come again?’ His average home run distance from 2016 to 2017 came down ten feet, but Citizens Flank might help a little. His line drive rate went up, but his fly balls are going nowhere, and his Hard Contact was down. He’s even seeing more pitches inside the zone, because people just aren’t scared of him anymore. His stats don’t scream, ‘The end is nigh,’ but they are whispering, ‘Soon, my pretty.’ For 2018, I’ll give Carlos Santana projections of 74/24/81/.257/4 in 552 ABs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Marcell Ozuna was traded to the Cards, because the Marlins only had him under control until the end of 2019, and the Marlins are playing for 2022. Then, in 2023, the Marlins will be playing for 2042. Seriously, what the eff are the Marlins doing? I understand trying to get younger, but they’re trading guys who are young. It’s not like they’re moving Martin Prado. Maybe having a guy who discarded women when they reached the age of 22 isn’t the best idea to run a club. Jeter continues to view 27-year-olds as ancient. Hey, Jeter, you’re not unloading Minka Kelly here, you’re unloading Jessica Biel. With the extra Wild Card, I’ll never understand slashing an entire team. Before the selling spree, the Marlins were literally two players away from a Wild Card berth. Now, they’re five years away. Madness, man, madness. Any hoo! Marcell Ozuna averaged 413 feet on his home runs last year, because OZUNA strong. If you overlay his home runs last year with his new park, he keeps his 37 homers and gains an extra one. It’s more or less a push in the Busch. OZUNA love Busch, it is OZUNA favorite type of hedge, much better hedge than saying someone will be president next year without saying a name. For 2018, I’ll give Ozuna the projections of 101/35/106/.278/1 in 607 ABs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?