See Nate Eovaldi throw 99 MPH! Stop. In a part! Stop. Never before seen! Stop. As he takes on the role! Stop. Of Stanley Fastballski! Stop. He’s got a method fastball! Stop. Adapted from the book! Stop. You Shall Know My Eovelocity! Stop. If you want to park in the underground garage! Stop. No, seriously, stop! Stop. We don’t Eovalidate that garage! I loved what I saw the other day from Eovaldi. As Alicia Keys says, he throws fiiiiiiiiiiire! Fiiiiiiiiiire! Fiiiiiiiiiiire! He averaged over 96 MPH in his first start. That’s really good. That would’ve been the best fastball velocity for any starter for all of last year. Better than Matt Harvey. I don’t think he can maintain 96, but even if it falls to 94 on average, which it has been his entire career, he’s still in the top 1% of all starters. Only seven guys threw that fast last year. The list is a who’s who of guys you want on your team — Strasburg, Jose Fernandez, Samardzija, Homer Bailey, Cashner and the aforementioned Harvey. For his velocity alone, you should pick up Eovaldi in every league. Wins will be hard to come by, but a 3.50 ERA and a 7+ K-rate won’t be. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Player projections for each of the next 7 days. A kick-ass DFS lineup optimizer and projections for DraftKings, FanDuel, and Yahoo!.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
I take a look at my life and realize there’s nothin’ left
Cause I’ve beenÂ toutin and praisin Domonic so long,
That even Grey and Jay(Wrong) think that my mind is gone
But I ain’t never praised a man that didn’t deserve it
“Sir” Dom or Beddict treated like a punk? you know that’s unheard of
You better watch how you manage and how you baller block.
Or you and your staff Â gonna be given your papers to walk
I really hate to trip but I gotta loc
As Mayberry chokes, I see myself in the Payote smoke, fool
I’m the kinda writer/model the little homies wanna be like
On my knees sacrificing goats every night saying prayers to the Elder Gods in the streetlight
Been Speeeeending most my life, livin’ in the Models/strippers/writers Paradise!
My last post was about a young ace, so Iâm following it up with an article on an old vase, Jayson Werth.Â Just under two months shy of his 35th birthday, the bearded wonder is entering his 13th season in the bigs.Â I find it difficult to predict Werth, as his production doesnât abide by the ânormal rulesâ of aging.Â The pre-2009 Werth was deplorable when compared to the post-2009 version, or Werth 2.0, as I lovingly call him.Please, blog, may I have some more?
As the seminal prog band Emerson, Lake and Laura Palmer once sang: âWelcome back my friends to the show that never ends, weâre so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside.â (The song went on for 45 minutes before ‘Yes’ came out and kicked their ass.) Opening day is here and the Razzball Lounge is open for bid’ness. Have a seat, grab a cold one and a pickled egg, and donât get hypnotized by my bedazzled turban my fantasy freaks. Here in the lounge we dedicated, often celebrated, and usually acquitted (we have a great legal team) Razzballinâ scribes gather every opening day to bicker and banter, indulge and imbibe and moan and marvel at our fantasy teams and Greyâs magnificent âstache. On this last lazy Sunday (before things get serious) we find Sky in a dark corner slowing rocking back and forth muttering his mantra of âTulo, Tanaka, Trumboâ over and over. Bellying up to the bar is podcasting paladin Nick Capozzi, clad only in his Expos throwback demanding another Labatts, showing off pics of his rolling Razzball ride and asking no one in particular, âGet your 32in32in32 tickets yet, eh?â Dropping quarters in the jukebox we find Jay Wrong demonstrating his âParadise by the Dashboard Lightsâ interpretative dance â âWill you love me forever?â Â *bottle smashes above head* Stumbling out of the ladies room is the one and only Tehol Beddict casually zipping up his skinny jeans and introducing his new lady friend, âGuys, Iâd like to introduce you to my cousin. Ainât she pretty?â And here at the pool table is your humble-but-nonetheless handsome Guru putting the finishing touches on my 27 rosters. *closes eye, takes aim, sinks eight ball off two rails, drops shot glass into pint, downs boilermaker, lights cigar, sets turban on fire*Â With the drinks starting to flow letâs run though the jams and crams at each position for Week 1 of the 2014 fantasy baseball season. Weâre not talking Miggy, Trout or Goldy here, weâre looking at players owned in less than 50% of most leagues that could help grab you an early lead on your way to fantasy glory. Good luck this season, itâs time to jam it or cram it.Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Buy/Sell column is back after a long winter break and ready to do this thing better than ever! Let’s hear directly from it. Buy/Sell, “Why are you putting such pressure on me? Better than ever? How about ‘ready to do this hungover’ because it was in Panama City for the last week with James Franco, yelling, ‘Spring…Break…Spring…Break…’ is friggin exhausting! And haunting. I need a nap.” Kolten Wong was named the starting 2nd baseman for the St. Louis Cardinals of the National League Baseball Association, and nary a ‘cracker was lit. Upon his call-up last year, Wong was more wrong than right, but less riiiiiiiight than wrong if you’re sarcastic. He didn’t get enough playing time. David Freese kept playing more often than not and Matt Carpenter didn’t move over to third nearly enough. Even after Allen Craig was hurt, Fatt Adams filled in and Wong sat on the bench. Thankfully, the Cardinals finally moved on from Freese. The Freese has been thawed! What? No good? The Cards froze out that Freese! Still nothing? Now that Kolten Wong gets a full time job, he’ll immediately be mixed league relevant and around a top fifteen option with a chance for more. He’s a clone of Pedroia and not because they both need their tippy-toes to get the sugar from on top of the fridge. Wong can hit 15 homers and steal 20 bases with a solid average. Will he or Wongn’t he? No idea, but definitely worth owning in every mixed league. Anyway, here’s some more players to buy and sell this week in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Jay has so kindly asked me to take over this series for him.Â He is passing on the metaphorical golden baton onto me.Â Iâm going to coat this puppy in silver, because gold is tacky.Â To start things off, I decided talk about a guy who I think flies under the radar, Madison Bumgarner.Â First off, how awesome is his name!?!Â Thatâs reason enough to buy this guy.Â Who names their boy Madison anymore?Â Awesome parents, thatâs who.Â If youâre actually curious about baby Madisons, click here.Â Donât ask why I know about that website, all I know is that itâs super interestingâŠat least to me it is.Â Back to our topic now. Â On top of Madison, his last name is Bumgarner!Â He is literally collecting booty, câmon.Â Oh look, a double entendre, Iâll clarify.Â He is married, so I think he is all set on that booty front. Â As for Pirate booty (Giants booty?), he is squared away too.Â He signed a 5 year, $35 million contract after his second full season, at age 22!Â YARGH, thatâs a lot of booty!Please, blog, may I have some more?
Most exciting thing to happen at spring training thus far.
Can the season start already? Spring training has all the excitement of watching The Bachelor finale through the holes in a cracker. Basically, your humble-but-nonetheless-superstitious Guru spends spring training lighting candles, arranging antlers True Detective-style and just praying guys Iâve already drafted donât strain a bursa sac or meet the Yellow King mowing the outfield. With only a handful of RCL drafts completed â including the writers league â the fun is just getting started. Letâs fire up the jammer crammer machineÂ Â©, get to the hot corner and take a look at third baseman ranked outside ESPNâs top 100 players. The third base position is a whole lot of Pam Anderson kind of top heavy with the flat girls and their nice personalities stuck in the middle and the cross dressers in the back â sounds like the worst New Orleans strip club ever. If you miss out on the stacked guys like Miguel Cabrera, Evan Longoria or Adrian Beltre donât panic, just make sure you’re stuffing dollar bills into the g-strings ofÂ David Wright, Ryan Zimmerman and orÂ Josh Donaldsonâs. Now if you pass on one of those guys too it might be time to take up morning drinking and fantasy NASCAR. Dale Earnhardt Jr. goes left really well â thatâs it for my racing analysis. Thereâs only six third baseman in the top 100 and the guys that immediate follow test the gag reflex in a way that is not at all exciting â Aramis Ramirez *hiccup*, Pedro Alvarez *burp* and Brett Lawrie *gets bucket*. Iâm passing on those guys and waiting a little longer like it’s almost last call in the Razzball Lounge â weâre holding out for something better. Iâll risk a late CI pick on a young skank like Todd Frazier that tries hard before I wake up next to the eager lady that looks like Mike MoustakasÂ who rolls over in the morning to say, “Let’s play jam it or cram it.”Please, blog, may I have some more?
As a former radio geek that tired of the shallow money trench and the playing of âFree Birdâ for the 7,432 time, Iâm a fan of taking those radio hits and mashing them up beyond recognition.Â Take a couple of things that donât belong together like Metallica and Stevie Wonder, throw them in the blender and you get something sad but superstitious. Please, blog, may I have some more?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Greetings! Tis I, Tehol Beddict, back again to educate, subjugate, and perhaps even procreate if you deem myself worthy. Last week’s post got a bit nasty, but guess what?Â I’m a nasty boy,Â just like my deceased brother Biggie,Â so I liked it. My closest friends speak to me like I’m Jonathan Martin, so these negative comments didn’t cut too deep. A trip to Scottsdale was all my chicken and I required to return to the writing world like Jesus, when the whole needs us. My Arizona trip in a nutshell: Steamy modeling shoot in Scottsdale, tanning nude with the Phoenix Suns dance team, speaking with government officials about their negative reception to gays and minorities and how it must stop or I will no longer be visiting their desert wasteland of a city, and ending it all with some of the most sumptuous lap dances I’ve ever experienced, including one from the beazle who starred in the cult hitÂ Grandma’s BoyÂ (probably NSFW). I hate that movie by the way. Despise it really. Moving on.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Spring training has sprung! Whereâs my Rusty Staub Expos throwback? I got this in junior high and it still fits great. I have the body of an 11-year-old girl. *moonwalks across living room, falls on face* Most fantasy ballers are in the mocking mood right now with the for real fake drafts firing up in a few weeks. (Thereâs still time for you to commish an RCL league wink wink nudge nudge slap in the back of the head.) As we prepare this yearâs team(s) (ss) and (sss), letâs fire up the jammer crammer machine once again and turn our all knowing fantasy eye toward first base. First base may have plenty of quality to find through the first 100 picks – SeĂ±or Stache has 15 first baseman in the top-100 â but the position ainât what it used to be (and thatâs what she said). Only six first baseman had more than 30 bombs last year, the fewest in over two decades. Is Andres Galarraga still playing? Those were the fantasy baseball golden years. Personally, Iâd grab one early, say within my first three picks. We are not talking about whether or not to jam Paul Goldschmidt or cram Chris Davis here, we know whatâs up there. We are looking towards players not ranked in the top 100 that can win you your league and all the cash, bragging rights and glory holes that go along with it. Last season, players with first base eligibility like Michael Cuddyer and Daniel Murphy were ranked (according to the Yahoos!) outside the top-100, but finished in the top-45. Any expert that told you they predicted that is actually from the moon and a time traveler. Sorry, watched Lunopolis on Netflix last month and just found out it wasnât a documentary. While Iâm no man on the moon, letâs cue up Mott the Hoople, make like Andy Kaufman in a wrestling match and jam it or cram it. Nothing is cool.Please, blog, may I have some more?