Whole lot of reasons I never expected to be writing this schmohawk post. I don’t usually write a top 20 starter schmohawk post, because I would never draft some of those guys, so you know how I feel about them, but this got me ruminating. I ruminate, y’all! And I was thinking how I would never draft Jose Ramirez, Matt Carpenter or other schmohawks this year, so why wouldn’t I write a Noah Syndergaard schmohawk post? Just because I’m not drafting someone does not exclude them from being stamped schmohawk, it is the one requirement. I only wish I wrote the Clayton Kershaw schmohawk post before he broke. Man, was that shizz obvious eh-eff. I mean, as eh-eff as eh-eff gets. Another thing that nailed it home for me that I had to write this post was Noah Syndergaard’s current ADP: 44. In a slow draft I’m doing right now, he went 37th! Have you people lost your mind? Seriously, put your medulla oblongata on the back of a milk carton, cause shizz is lost. He’s being drafted in front of Patrick Corbin, Stephen Strasburg, Jack–Okay, he’s being drafted in front of all but 13 starters. Clayton Kershaw is another guy who’s <biggest font the world has>still</> being drafted in an area of drafts where it makes me want to use a word that don’t mean anything like loopid. Just because you live in your mother’s basement does not mean you need to be a cellar dweller in your fantasy league too. C’mon, guys and five girl readers, boost up your self-esteem! Turn to your mirror and tell yourself you’re good enough. You don’t have a mirror because you threw it out after your last bout of self-esteem fail? Then look at the reflection of yourself in the toilet and give yourself a pep talk! You’re better than drafting Noah Syndergaard (and Clayton Kershaw)! Anyway, what can we expect from Noah Syndergaard for 2019 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?Please, blog, may I have some more?
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When I think about people saying they’re going to draft Matt Carpenter, I think of the old hypnotist’s trick. If you’re going to draft Matt Carpenter, I want you to do this: close your eyes and pretend to be shaking a salt shaker into your mouth. Now, incredibly, you will taste salt. There’s no easier schmohawk post for me than a guy who has a career year at 32 years of age or older. On the other hand, 31 years old? Give me some! (Kidding, please don’t ask why 31 is okay.) Does anyone drafting Carpenter expect to get the same again what he did last year? I can count the guys who peak in their thirties, who are not on ‘roids, on one hand and that’s a hand of a high school wood shop teacher. “Today, I’m going to show you how to make your mother a chair–Okay, don’t be alarmed, it only looks worse than it is. Place my thumb in your ice-cold Fanta, and call me a Lyft.” *blood from wound sprays teacher in his face* “Don’t give the substitute a hard time, I could be out for a few.” So, last year Matt Carpenter went 111/36/81/.257/4, which is so goofy you can put that stat line from Carpenter on LinkedIn and get hired to don a Goofy costume at Disney World, sight unseen. “Yo, moms, I just got hired by Disney.” “Bravo, Salvatore! I-a didn’t even know-a you applied.” “I didn’t, I just wrote down Matt Carpenter’s stat line on LinkedIn.” By the by, I wanna get a giant mastiff and name it, Salvatore Glands. Anyway, what can we expect from Matt Carpenter for 2019 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Imagine I wore glasses. Don’t, but imagine I did. Okay, sometimes I do, but usually I wear contacts. So, I’m wearing glasses and I’m Burgess Meredith and there’s no one else in the world besides me. I finally have time to read about sports, specifically news about the New York Yankees. Why Yankees news? I don’t know, but imagine it! I’m humming New York, New York, and reading about the Yanks, when DJ LeMahieu signs with the Yankees. Just as I’m reading where the Yankees plan on playing him, my glasses fall and shatter. Since no one else is in this world, I’m doomed to never know where LeMahieu will play when Didi returns. Unable to read anything again, I scream, “Giancarl-NOOOOOOOO!!!” That’s what it feels like. I’m in some weird Twilight Zone episode where I’m the only one who heard DJ LeMahieu signed with the Yankees. Y’all hear about this or no? I’d even accept, “Giancarl-no.” Okay, assuming you people — yeah, you people! — heard about this signing, where is Gleyber Torres playing when Gregorius returns in June/July? 2nd base? Okay, is LeMahieu never playing again? Because, at last glance, LeMahieu stays fairly healthy. Are you thinking Miguel Andujar is benched? Hmm, okay, what if he’s not? Luke Voit’s benched? Okay, maybe, maybe not. A giant five-man platoon for four infield spots? I know Tulowitzki has a tattoo that reads, “Fra-jeel-lay,” but what if he’s healthy? A six-man platoon for four spots? Gleyber Torres is really going to get 155+ games played? Not to answer, but to ruminate. So, what can we expect from Gleyber Torres for 2019 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?Please, blog, may I have some more?
*places an order on Amazon for a megaphone, goes with the free shipping option, waits three to five days, sits outside the door for shipment, begins to rain, yells for Cougs to hand me an umbrella, shakes head annoyed when she hands me a drink umbrella, on the fifth day, the megaphone arrives, opens box, groans, heads out to CVS for some batteries for my new megaphone, buys batteries, unable to wait any longer, places batteries in megaphone while inside the CVS, grimaces at feedback, then cackles into megaphone for ten minutes straight until escorted out of the store* I am ordering megaphones to laugh into because it’s so hilarious I am writing an overrated post for Vladimir Guerrero Jr. Can we all agree that at least 30% of the people drafting Vlad “The Mini Impaler” are doing it because they have so much FOMO after Ronald Acuña Jr. last year? Maybe even 50% or more are drafting Impaler Jr. due to FOMO. Even ESPN and Yahoo are ranking Vlad for that FOMO factor. Yo, Yahoo and ESPN, you can’t make up for Mr. Bungling Acuña last year with your ranking for VGJ this year. You just can’t. By the way, I wanna see a show on MTV called The FOMO Factor hosted by Ludacris, and it’s the worst show ever but everyone on the show feared it was going to be the best show. Anyway, what can we expect from Vladimir Guerrero Jr. for 2019 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?Please, blog, may I have some more?
Before I get into our 1st schmohawk post (I’m including you, because without you there’s no me; wanna hug? I’m kidding, don’t touch me), a quick remembrance. One loyal Razzball Reader, Simply Fred, kept a running tally of how many times I nailed my schmohawk posts. I think at last tally I was 25 for 27 over the last five years. Something like that. The point is I don’t know the number, because around Christmas time of this year, we lost Simply Fred. He passed suddenly around the holidays. He was one of our most loyal readers, and he will be missed, especially around the time of the yearly of the schmohawk posts. In his honor, MattTruss, who runs our Razzball Commenter Leagues, is changing the championship trophy of the ECFBL league that Simply Fred was a part of to the Fred Barker Memorial Trophy, a worthy gesture for a worthy man. Any hoo! Jose Ramirez is a schmohawk. This is so freakin’ obvious to me that it almost makes me question myself, because literally no one else is saying this about Jose Ramirez. Could I really be the only one that recognizes how obvious this is? I feel like Queen Isabella when she used cover her giant bosoms with bras that were hand-painted with round globes and Spanish men would be like, “She ain’t flat, but the earth is, so her luscious breasts are factually incorrect.” Thankfully, Christopher Columbus recognized the beauty of Isabella’s chest, raised his mast and sailed west. Anyway, what can we expect from Jose Ramirez for 2019 fantasy baseball and what makes him overrated?Please, blog, may I have some more?
The intro for Yahoo’s 2019 fantasy baseball rankings reminds of a Dear John letter written by your ex-wife. Only your name is Kevin and she accidentally writes “John,” and doesn’t have a chance to proofread it because she’s bedding down your best friend. Read for yourself:
Sure, guys and five girl readers, “You’ll find your familiar Trouts’, the Betts’, the Martinez’, but questions remain.”
Yeah, I have questions that, uh, remain. How many Trouts have they ranked? The Betts’? Did they rank his entire family? The Martinez’? Is that like World War Z, but instead it’s, “An Apostrophe Z?”
“When should the first pitcher go off the board, and should there be more than one?”
Said like Ron Burgundy, “That’s not English.” Should there be more than one? Are Yahoo leagues this year one-pitcher leagues? I’m so confused. Did 100 monkeys with 100 typewriters, who only read Bleacher Report, write up this intro?
“Enough talk though. Let’s jump into the rankings!”
Ha! Was there enough talk? I’ve written more in this intro than they wrote. With that level of effort, they don’t even deserve this evisceration, but… *sharpens nails that look like the 108-year-old Asian man in the Guinness Book of World Records* …here goes nothing. For this post, I will be looking at the consensus Yahoo 2019 fantasy baseball rankings vs. my own 2019 fantasy baseball rankings.Please, blog, may I have some more?
Our 2019 Razzball leagues are in full signup mode. Today, I’m in dress-down mode. Casually coming for you in the middle of the night, wearing nothing but slippers and a multicolored housecoat that’s half open so you can see the family jewels while I apply my Ambi. Here’s what Grey thinks about you (repeat 17x). I’m about to blow my top as I let my aggravation Michael Bublé over. If you’re clutching pearls like Barbara Bush’s hologram, you’re better off looking at cute pet pics on Instagram, because I’m sharpening my pointer fingers, i.e., the fingers that I use to type! I am the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it) and I’ve come for your children! See, because blog writing doesn’t pay so well, I’ve taken a second job as a bus driver, so I’m literally here for your kids. Like a baller! A shot caller! An “I’m outside of Hot Topic at the maller!” Now let’s open a window and defenestrate ESPN’s 2019 fantasy baseball rankings. To the tune of Ice Cube’s No Vaseline:Please, blog, may I have some more?