Times are grand this week in the wide world of Two Startapalooza! It is a palooza after all, which is the scientific term for pitching party. Can you imagine a carnival full of pitchers playing those games where you throw balls at the bottles and knock them over for prizes? They would win ALL of the giant stuffed bears. ALL OF THE BEARS. Leaving none for the shlubs like me that can’t hit 95 on the gun. How emasculating. All the girls would leave the normal guys and flock to the pitchers. I wonder if girls are still impressed by the really crappy pitchers? I mean, he still made it to the Major Leagues, which is super impressive. Who cares if he’s got a 6.30 career ERA? That man god paid. Speaking of such things, there are pitchers threatening to post a 6+ ERA this week in the bottom of this week’s slate. Tiers 3 and 4 are awash with capable options though, making this a great week for standard mixed league streaming. Let’s break down the options.

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I like my Two Start Pitcher schedules the same way I like my coffee: robust, and diarrhea inducing. We have a strong slate this week of double dippers, complete with a vast array of crap in Tier 5 and a pleasantly surprising amount of goodness in Tiers 3-4. Tier 1 holds a trio of no-brainers, but Tier 2 is ripe with the scent of potential over-performance! Price, Gonzalez, Hamels, and Stripling all raise their stocks with non-intimidating opponents. Tyler Skaggs is worthy of discussion in Tier 3 as someone who could have been pushed to Tier 2, but despite Boston’s weakness against southpaws, I’m not stoked about that matchup. There are some really interesting names in Tier 4, not the least of which is Reynaldo Lopez. Despite his decent matchups and surface stats, he’s got a lot of red flags under the hood and that keeps him from Tier 3. Have a look at Tier 5 if you want to know who not to start. Let’s have a look at some more two-start options of interest this week.

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Don’t be dour, Bauer, the Cole Sale isn’t until tomorrow in Greinke’s DeGrom! Greinke’s DeGrom can be whatever you like it to be, but I like to think it’s a fancy bathroom in the Diamondbacks dugout that only Greinke can use, and it’s bedazzled with copper plating that has his likeness pressed into it. It also features a bidet that only churns out pine tar, because you can never have too good a grip on things. That first sentence does happen to include the names of each starter from this week’s Tier 1 by the way, what a coincidence! We’ve got a nice chunk of nine guys between the first two tiers, but alas Tier 3 is weak with just four names. Tiers 4 and 5 are where the real action is as this week, making it a less than desirable streaming week. The likes of Caleb Smith and Marco Gonzales have been plenty useful this season, but bad matchups push each of them to Tier 4. Good luck trying to guess which Sonny Gray you’re going to get, the Sonny or the Gray, and mediocre matchups keep him dwelling in Tier 4 as well. Out of the mucky muck of Tier 5 you could perhaps cast your lot with “The Coors Kielbasa” German Marquez, but doubling up in Coors Field isn’t exactly my cup of tea. Here’s a look at some of the other notable two-start pitchers this week.

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You’ve got to be realistic about these things: Stephen Strasburg isn’t the man we all dreamt he’d become. Absolutely, he’s become a very valuable pitcher and member of the invariably underachieving Washington Nationals, but alas, we expected career eliteness, Nicolas Cage in the 90’s level Eliteness. (Capital E for Emphasis.) Instead, we were given 2000’s Cage; Yes, Lord of War and Kick Ass were solid, but the rank stench of Bangkok Dangerous and Ghost Rider shall endure throughout the eternity of human existence. [Jay’s Note: But his hair sure achieved a lot in those two.]

We all recall Strasburg’s seven inning, 14 K performance in what was the most hyped debut in MLB history. Anything less than a first-ballot hall of fame career would be a massive disappointment after the mound mastery we saw displayed June 8th, of 2010. A little while later, as we all know, the dreaded Tommy John surgery was required and he just never became the man I desired him to be. Of course neither did I, but that’s a conversation for my therapist and I to have, but I suppose a botched penile enlargement surgery and Tommy John surgery have similar consequences (Jay, please look that up). [Jay’s Note: Risky Google of the day…] Every season, I would predict Strasburg to have his breakout season, and joining or surpassing the Clayton Kershaw’s and Justin Verlander’s of the world, only to be shamed by my colleagues, family and friends alike. It just never happened. The guy has TWO complete games in his CAREER. TWO COMPLETE GAMES!!!!!?!?!? How is that even possible?. I want to know how many times baby nuts has gone more than seven innings in his career since his debut. It’s one of the more insane stats I could ever imagine, and that’s without me even having a clue what the number is. I just know it’s extremely, mind numbingly low. So I suppose that is having a clue, but I’m not a detective, I’m Beddict the Elder and want JUSTICE!!!!! I could go on, but I’ll spare you the pain and self-loathing Strasburg has bestowed upon me over the last decade.

Last night, the former golden boy was taken to the woodshed and bent over a barrel and shown all 50 states by a lineup that features Pablo Sandoval, as he went a whopping two innings, and gave up three, before leaving with shoulder tightness. Here’s what I else I’ve found interesting around the MLB along with your Two Start Pitchers for the coming week!

Take Heed!

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If there’s one thing Carlos Martinez loves more than baseball, it’s porn. He and I have that in common (go ahead and Google “Carlos Martinez porn” if you want to find the related article(s), but I cannot be held responsible for the entirety of the search results), and that’s why I respect him. Thusly, I’m excited that not only do we finally get him back, it’s as a Week 10 double dipper. Sadly it’s in the place of where we expected Alex Reyes to be (wasn’t that fun while it lasted?), but we’ve gotta find our silver linings somewhere. Following an insane Week 9 where we had more Texas two steppers than any week prior, we’re back to relative normalcy here in Week 10. Tiers 1-2 are pretty slim as usual, but you feel really good about every option. Tier 3 has some fellas that might just be on your waiver wire if you’re in a shallower league, and I’d feel comfortable using every one of them. Tier 4 is surprisingly usable as well thanks to some good matchups all around. I’m not totally sure Danny Duffy deserves Tier 4 instead of Tier 5, but his matchups aren’t the worst and I’d rather throw him out than anything residing in Tier 5. Let’s dive in!

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If last week left a lot to be desired (also what women tell me), well this week makes up for it. There are more two start pitchers here than you can shake a stick at. Just try it! Try and shake a stick at all these names, it won’t work. You’ll tire by Tier 4, and Tier 5 alone has TWENTY TWO options. They’re stinky options, but options nevertheless. So leave the stick outside. They’re dirty anyway and you don’t vacuum the carpet nearly often enough to make up for that.

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Welcome to Week 5 as we scurry along and try to figure out which low-to-mid tier pitchers are actually good and which ones are all smoke and mirrors. You’d think we would have come up with an updated phrase for “smoke and mirrors”. Nobody has really used smoke and mirrors since, like, 1920. I have no idea if that’s accurate. In any case, there is plenty of two-start action to go around this week. Here they are, tiered for your pleasure. Let’s have a gander at some of the more interesting options as we go through those tiers as well, shall we?

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Mother Nature can suck a fat one. Our first excursion into the double dip starters was largely foiled by weather, an issue that has loomed large since the start of the season. There have been 25 postponements already as of this writing, the most in April in over 10 years. So, there is no better time than now to remind you to keep an eye on such things late into Sunday, assuming that’s when you’re putting in your two-start claims. Enough with the garbage weather. Let’s play some ball!

This week’s list is a lot ickier than the last. Tier 1 and 2 are pretty thin, while Tier 5 is thick with the grease of back-end starters. So greezy. Carson Fulmer and Miguel Gonzalez both have plus matchups with Seattle and Kansas City, but man…those guys are bad. Between the two of them they have 15 BB and 14 K over 23 IP. You have to really hate yourself to start either one. I’d rather have Halfthor Bjornsson throw a bowling ball at my genitals than start both of them in the same league. By the way, I am switching things up a bit this week. Rather than just list the actual wOBA of the opponent, I thought it would be more beneficial to list the opponent’s MLB rank to give you a bit more context. I’ve also included the opponent’s K% vs that starter’s handedness to give you the idea of what sort of strikeout potential you can expect.

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Technically this will be Week 4 if you count the first Thursday through Sunday games, but I refuse to do that! That’s only half a week, my friend. We don’t half-ass anything around here, especially weeks. We go hard. YOU go hard. That’s why you’re here. You’re looking to get the weekly streaming leg up on your competition so you can punch them in their proverbial genitals. Don’t actually punch your competition in the genitals though, that ain’t right. Unless they talk smack about yo’ momma, then it’s ok.

The streaming game is one not for the faint of heart since it can go awry even in the best of situations, but part of the long game is casting your lot with a sound process and putting yourself in the best position to succeed. That said, out of the weekly bucket of mediocrity are some surprisingly non barf-inducing possibilities. I consider the options in Tier 4, which ended up rather thick and chunky (not unlike my soup), to be largely streamable in deeper mixed leagues. Let’s have a look at some of the more interesting double dippers this week…

Please, blog, may I have some more?