Recently, Matt Adams and his melon-ball shape has either been dreadful or benched for Daniel Descalso. The only time Descalso should be in front of Adams is in pictures, so the photographer can see him. It’s odd to think Fatt Adams isn’t getting it done at the plate. I do have a useful suggestion for everyone in Missouri. Send a topless Adams into Ferguson. That would lighten the mood for everyone involved. “I hate your guts!” “Speaking of guts…” And everyone smiles and laughs at the naked fat man. Peace brought to you by the ingestion of copious amounts of lard. Now, instead of Descalso, the Cardinals have a real option to move over moobs, Xavier Scruggs. What? No Crockett? How can the Cardinals go with a platoon of Scruggs and Tubbs? It’s crazy talk! Scruggs is A) Old to never be in the majors yet. B) Legit power threat that could hit .190. C) There’s no C. He has Quad-A player written all over him, but sometimes Quad-A players are exactly the kind of hitters that excel in September when they’re facing a bunch of Quad-A pitchers. Too early outside of NL-Only and deep mixed leagues to worry about Scruggs, but this does put the kibosh on any value Tubbs had, not to mention now he’s phantomed-up an oblique injury. Like anyone could even find his oblique! In all but very deep leagues, I’d drop Adams. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kolten Wong – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. Good to see Wong back in there, I was about to start singing Detachable Penis.
Michael Wacha – 3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks as he was activated from the DL. As I’ve been saying, he’s not stretched out for a major league start. He’s only starting due to the minor league season ending. In his next start, he’ll likely go four or five innings, and then the time after that he might be able to go five or six. Don’t think he ever gets much further than six innings the rest of the year, unless he’s economical with his pitches, which is not to say pitching like Sale.
Wily Peralta – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks ERA at 3.84. Solid effort in what was a big game for the Brewers. A big game that Braun missed due to his wife still giving birth. Did his wife have a girl and then he tried to appeal the ruling?
Gerardo Parra – 3-for-5, 1 run. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column. If that doesn’t wet your whistle, I don’t know anything about whistles! Actually my whistle knowledge is pretty perfunctory. Bad analogy demerit!
Martin Prado – Out again on Thursday. He ran at 50% on Thursday. Now if the Yankees were to spray paint the words ‘fifty percent’ out in the field, they’d be all set.
Masahiro Tanaka – Will throw in the bullpen on Saturday. I don’t think Tanaka values my time. Do I really need an update every time you throw a frickin’ baseball? Have the decency to shut it down for the year.
Carlos Beltran – 1-for-4, 1 RBI. Likely to undergo elbow surgery in the offseason. Bunch of studs on the Yanks. I’m using the word stud as in they will be glue within two years.
Mark Teixeira – 2-for-4 and his 21st homer. All he does is homer! Seriously, that’s it. He stopped doing other baseball related activities around the time the Yankees gave him $180 million. $180 million! Hayzeus Cristo. They should hire a new GM named Not-The-Cashman.
Chase Headley – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer on the Yanks and 11th overall. Or 17 homers overall if he was on the Yankees all year. Or 3 homers if he played all games in Petco. Or 25 homers if he played all his games in Coors. I did the math on all of those, no need to check.
David Ortiz – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 31st and 32nd homers. Not at the same time. That would’ve been a record.
Brock Holt – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. He bottomed out post-All Star break. Before, 3 homers and a .327 average; afterwards, 1 homer and a .220 average. Wouldn’t be surprised if he’s not in the Red Sawx plans for next year, either. Bet he could start for the Padres for the next ten years though. Once you go down that path, it’s hard to turn back. Like heroin. Only not as fun.
Koji Uehara – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and the blown save, his 5th. The Sawx were supposed to be in shutdown mode with Uehara, because he’s got eye crusties under his arm and that shizz is still tired. Brucely, I was surprised to see him and not Edward Mujica, but last night only reaffirms the Sawx will go to Mujica next. I didn’t put Mujica in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I’m telling you now, so act like you know, MC Lyte.
Rougned Odor – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer. Snooze! You are so two months ago. Wake me when you’re on the Cubs!
Robbie Ross – 1 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Peg boy.
Chris Denorfia – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 1st homer on the M’s and 2nd homer overall. Teach you to get traded from Petco to Safeco.
Robinson Cano – 2-for-4, 1 run, 4 RBIs. He knocked in two runs off of Ross, per Jay-Z’s counsel. “Talk about how Ross used to be a correctional officer, that always flusters him.”
Austin Jackson – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, batting over .350 in the last week with two steals. I’ve already preached the virtues of him because I’m smart. Or did I? The preceding could be visualized as Vanity is in Action Jackson then Vanity disappears.
Matt Moore – Set to play catch for the first time since Tommy John surgery. Too bad he’s not playing catch with Tommy John. That would be like super cool.
Desmond Jennings – No timetable to return. Not sure what’s sadder, that his knee hurts or he doesn’t have a watch.
Jake Odorizzi – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks. I’ll admit to getting cold feet about Odorizzi after seeing what the Jays did to Hellickson and Archer the previous two nights, but Odorizzi pitched a solid game. At this point in the season, I’d go by Stream-o-Nator for him and it doesn’t like his next start, so I’d move on in shallower mixed leagues.
Casey Janssen – 1 IP, 0 ER, and the save. Gibbons said that Aaron Sanchez wouldn’t be available for two days to limit his workload, but I imagine when Sanchez is fresh, he’ll be the closer. On a related note, how cool is it that a Gibbons was talking? That’s so much better than playing a piano or tending bar. I want a talking Gibbons!
Colby Rasmus – 1-for-1 and his 17th homer as he came off the bench. Well, yeah, dur. It’s a short schedule day, of course you play him!
Joaquin Benoit – Yet to resume throwing. There’s plenty of time to update your LinkedIn page. Trust me, they’ll send you 12,000 reminder emails.
Ian Kennedy – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 3.75, but his ERA at home is near 4.00. Kennedy’s the worst Hodgepadre ever. Does he even grasp the concept of the Hodgepadre? Throw pitches that hitters will hit lazy fly balls off of. It’s like he’s in Yosemite searching out the bears. Leave the bears alone!
A.J. Pollock – 3-for-4, 1 run and his 9th steal. He’s not in this afternoon’s Buy column, because I don’t love hitters that missed extended time and are only returning now. They have no time to get up to speed, and you have no time to wait. With that said (reversal time!), if he does continue to hit, I’d grab him.
Randall Delgado – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 2 Ks. I told you he was a sleeper this year! *slowly backs up, bumps into corpse of Brad Miller*
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Trevor Bauer (5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks). This matchup would’ve been great to watch with Kevin Towers. Bauer gives up a leadoff double…Yay!…But that’s good for Scherzer…Boo!
Victor Martinez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 29th homer. At the age of 35, he now has four more homers than he ever had in any season before. It’s like it’s 1998 again. *wavy lines* Hey, what’s up, Adam Duritz? You’re dating a girl from Friends? Aniston something? Wow, yeah, you and that guy from Limp Bizkit are always going to be popular.” *wavy lines* It is 1998 again!
Ian Kinsler – 3-for-6, 2 runs. You ever get the feeling that if you get a full healthy season from a guy, you’ll never draft him again because you’re worried it can’t happen again? I get that feeling all the time with Kinsler. Just give me three more weeks and I’ll be on my way.
Mike Aviles – Dealing with concussion symptoms. Are we sure he didn’t just get off that amusement park ride that spins real fast and you stick to the walls? Cause that always makes me feel light-headed. Damn, I should’ve been a doctor.
Yan Gomes – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs. I love this from a fantasy perspective, so don’t take this the wrong way, but do they ever rest Gomes? He’s going to have the knees of Joe Theismann by next year.
Hector Santiago – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks. Boy, that was a useless stream. I’ve gotten more functionality from my two nipples.
Josh Hamilton – Left yesterday’s game with a sore shoulder. It’s not clear how he injured himself or how long he’ll be out. Apparently, his moments of clarity don’t come regarding his injuries.
Howie Kendrick – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. That was my batty call yesterday. Was hoping for more, pleased I didn’t get less. Hey, intern, file this under, “Only Grey Cares. Yes, OGC. Thanks.”
Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd big game in a row (4-for-6 night before). He’s like a light shade of puke usually, so I’m not tempted to call him a hot schmotato, but maybe you can wring out his gotchies for a little fun-fun-happy time.
Danny Santana – 2-for-5, 1 run. Unlike Nunez, I have love for Santana. Or “I gotz heart emoji for Dan-San” if any 14-year-olds are reading.
Homer Bailey – Will undergo surgery on his forearm tear, and now the beginning of his 2015 is up in the air. Hello, 2015 DL stash that you’re excited about because he’s due back by mid-April, then doesn’t return until next August.
Mike Leake – 4 IP, 7 ER. That’s a Leake like drinking two cases of beer.
Devin Mesoraco – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 21st homer. Remember Billy Crystal’s jabbering on the plane when he first meets Sally? How you should never drive a new romantic partner to the airport because it sets unrealistic expectations? Yeah, that’s what Devin’s suffering from right now. When you first met him, he was cooking you Brazilian BBQ, walking around the table with a steak on a sword, slicing you perfect little morsels, and then he stopped, and you were like, “Hey, what happened to my churrascaria?” He doesn’t cook a Brazilian feast every night, but he’s still someone who is going to be valuable for years to come.
Steve Pearce – Hoping to return on Saturday. He didn’t mention if he’s hoping to return on Saturday and continue hitting like he was before his injury. That would’ve been nice of him to mention!
Chris Tillman – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.40. He’s been usable for the better part of the year, but he’s pretty borderline in his next start. Stream-o-Nator hates it, I’m more meh on it, and I’d prolly look elsewhere in most mixed leagues.
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. I went into Baskin-Robbins yesterday and ordered two Schoops for next year. They looked at me like I was crazy. Then again, I wasn’t wearing pants.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 37th homer. Thinking about the contract he’s going to get after this season, he’s as happy as Screech was after the Saved By The Bell movie, singing a’la Rihanna, “Shine bright like Dustin Diamond! Shine bright like Dustin Diamond!”
