Yesterday, the Mets exploded for 16 runs. Leading the way was Todd Frazier going 3-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs with a slam (12) and legs (7). Actually, Frazier, Jose Bautista (1-for-3, 1 RBI), Jose Reyes (2-for-5, 2 runs) and Austin Jackson (2-for-4, 2 runs) are all starting to click! Wait, that’s their bones and it’s from arthritis. Shoot, my b. The true star, however, Brandon Nimmo (5-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs) rose from the depths of the deep, dark water. That’s not a Finding Nemo allusion. He plays in Flushing and we know what water is associated with that. Nimms — Can we call him that? Sure, right? — is hitting near .350 in the last week, and homered a few games ago (precise!). For most part, it’s been dank Nimms but he’s no longer unDeRWaTEr aND HitTinG WeLL. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .288 on the O’s and .265 overall. I saw a Brewer fan complaining that Villar could’ve been doing the same thing Schoop has done over the last few weeks. Wonder how they feel about Scooter Gennett.
James Paxton – Hit the DL with a forearm contusion. NO!!! NOT A CONTUSION!!! Wait, it says here a contusion is a bruise. Oh, c’mon!
Jean Segura – 4-for-5, hitting .314. 2nd four-hit game by Segura in the last three games. He must have an outside chance at the AL batting title. *looks at Betts’ batting average* Okay, Segura doesn’t really have a chance.
Dee Gordon – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Scoreless game through 11 innings, then Gordon broke it wide open with a 367 foot blast! After the game, Dee Gordon received a congratulatory call from the President of the Juan Pierre Fan Club, who happens to be Juan Pierre.
Wilson Ramos – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs as he activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “If we can reserve parking spots, why can’t we reserve where we park our butts? Bathroom on floor 2, stall three’s off limits, people.”
Vince Velasquez – 2 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.13. He threw a cool 31 strikes and 32 balls during this game. Somewhere, Daniel Cabrera’s ears are ringing.
— Razzball (@Razzball) August 16, 2018
Dansby Swanson – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, and before crossing home plate he crossed himself and kissed his hand like Acuña would and I’m not crying, you’re crying!
Charlie Culberson – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th steal and has been one of the hottest fire emojis in the last week. Don’t believe me? I have a cure for your sketpicism. On our 7-day Player Rater, he’s near top ten.
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.84 in the NL and 4.22 overall. No DH, pitchers hit (poorly) and you get double-switched before having your shizz blown up. Plus, NL East vs. AL East. Where do I sign up to draft Gausman for next year?
Ross Stripling – Hit the DL after visiting a back specialist. Damn, the Dodgers are going out of their way to prove these aren’t fake injuries. I keed. Obviously, this isn’t good, and he’s likely out a few weeks.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.77, as he was activated from the DL. As I told everyone who asked, I would absolutely grab Ryu in every league. He was sidelined for months due to his groin — hey now! — not an arm injury. That means his arm is extremely fresh.
Brandon Morrow – Set for mound work. Better make sure you have your Groundskeeper Union dues in order!
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (18) and double legs (5, 6), hitting .265. HR to the Rizzo!
Kyle Hendricks – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.11. Solid start for Hendricks. *you looking at 6 IP, 4 ER and wondering how that’s solid* It’s solid for him. *someone moseys up with their thumbs in their belt and chest puffed out* Moseyer, “It was better before the bullpen allowed two more runs on his line.” Thanks, Moseyer!
David Bote – 2-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .333, as he hit third. David Bote hit one of the biggest regular season comeback homers of all-time on Monday, then sat the next game for Tommy La Stella. So, Bote is great, but you explain to me what Maddon is doing.
Albert Almora Jr. – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer as he bats fifth. Again, what is Maddon doing? No foolsies, I think Ben Zobrist’s Robot Manager could manage the Cubs to the playoffs and anyone with a grasp of the game of baseball could do exactly the same job as Maddon.
Ryan Braun – Left yesterday’s game with rib cage tightness. We should’ve known there was a problem when Braun declared Bruce Willis was his archenemy in Unbreakable.
Evan Gattis – 3-for-4, and his 22nd and 23rd homer. “I don’t think we can use his body for chum without first chopping it up–Taking it back! Gattis is breathing, and that would be murder!” Looks like Gattis is showing a pulse again after a pee-poor 2nd half thus far.
Yuli Gurriel – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. I’m mentioning him more to say, ‘Yes, I am cyclops’ing him,’ but not much else.
Tyler White – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer, hitting .286. That’s four homers in the last week, and we need to stop worrying about why Kyle Tucker was called up to sit on the bench and grab White like we’re Phil Rizzuto in the booth.
Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.71. “Cole mines gold in the Rockies, and more after the break. Now that we’re away to commercial, I just wanted to say you are thicc in the best possible–We’re not at commercial?” That’s your local sports anchor blooper.
Miguel Andujar – 2-for-4 and his 19th homer, and his 5th homer in the last eight games. I call that an Andujack!
Mallex Smith – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .297. Juan Pierre had a busy Wednesday!
Salvador Perez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 20th and 21st homer. He becomes the 5th Royal in franchise history with 4 consecutive 20-homer seasons with Balboni, Bo, Sweeney and Mayberry or BBSM, which also stands for the erotic pleasure from being miserable watching the Royals.
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and homered on Tuesday. Could be a schmotato risin’, gonna keep on risin’.
Melky Cabrera – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting near.350 in the last week with two homers this week. “The other day I pointed out how hot he is, don’t make me go back there!” said in dad voice.
Shane Bieber – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.37. You guys had a good ride. You were able to tell your girlfriend, “Hey, check it out, his name is Bieber,” and she patronized you with a smile and now it’s time to drop him.
Victor Martinez – 1-for-1, hitting .244, and said he’s expecting to retire after this season. This year for Martinez has been like when you’re in the shower and there’s no shampoo left so you fill the bottle with water to try to get a little bit more out of it.
Jordan Zimmermann – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.36. The good news is you didn’t own him. The bad news is you did own him. The Mad Libs news is, “You did (too/not) own him!”
Carlos Rodon – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.69. The Stream-o-Nator liked him yesterday, but loves him in his next start and I see no reason why he shouldn’t be owned until further notice. Plus, his ERA ends in 69 and you can’t spell notice without nice. Coincidence? Nice in there too!
Jose Abreu – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .268. Abreu is on pace for 28 HRs and 100 RBIs. The most yawnstipating 1st baseman? Think he might get the title.
Matt Davidson – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .227. The Marla Gibbs Line! If your last name is the “son of David,” you have to go by “Baby Schwimmer,” it’s the rule. As for Davidson, he is the type to get crazy hot for a week-long stretch.
Luis Avilan – 2/3 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save. *rips up Xavier Cedeno lottery tickets, sees Avilan is a lefty too, tries to tape together lottery tickets* Honestly, there’s still little clarity on the White Sox bullpen.
Mike Leake – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Brett Anderson – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. They have a combined 3.90 ERA. I know, what you’re thinking, “Combined ERAs, who cares?” Excellent question, prematurely balding man. I’m going to start with their families care. Their teams care. I bet they care. CBS cares. Says on a card in my wallet, health care. That’s it for now, but I’m sure there’s more.
Logan Forsythe – 2-for-3, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .386 on the Twins. He’s also hitting .386 in August. Weird.
Jose Berrios – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.75. He is so inconsistent I’m going to start call him Restaurant Iced Tea. When you order restaurant iced tea, are you going to get sweetened? Non-sweetened? Black tea? Green Tea? Rooibos?! Lipton!? Snapple?! No one has any idea what they’re getting! That’s Berrios.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer. OZUNA so bad this year OZUNA doesn’t deserve cutesy short, 3rd person sentences like he’s in a Godzilla movie. Go home, Ozuna, you’re drunk.
Austin Gomber – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.89. I wildly overestimated the Nats or underestimated my Cards starters who I benched in Tout Wars this week for freakin’ Adam Conley. Hey, archaeologist, why are you using one of those reflex knee hammers on my head? Cause I’m a bonehead? Ah, cool.
Matt Carpenter – Left after getting hit by a pitch. How did Jose Urena hit Carpenter too? I don’t know, but that’s what I’m believing!
Michael Wacha – Nearing a rehab assignment. Sounds great, hope his Uber driver gets him there. By the way, I’m signing up to be an Uber driver, but I’m going to pick up people on a mop made to look like a horsie.