We’re gonna try and turn over a new, positive leaf here at Razzball. No longer are we going to sing the blues when one of our favorites doesn’t make the team. We’re gonna emoticon all over your face for someone else. That other person just happens to be the guy replacing Mike Minor in the rotation. Three ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to introduce to you, Mr. Brandon Beachy. In Triple-A last year, Beachy had a 9+ K/9 with just over a 1 BB/9 through 45 2/3 IP. That’s purdy. Let’s see more! Okay, random italicized voice. In Double-A earlier last year, he had a 12+ K/9 and about a 2 and a half BB/9. Not bad, but what’s behind curtain number 3?! Random italicized voice, don’t you have some random italicized television to watch? Snippy! I loved Mike Minor, but you know what? I can get behind Brandon Beachy, in the non-sexual way. Has solid strikeout stuff and good control. Everywhere you have Minor, go with Beachy. Or Jordan Zimmermann, he’s still butter with the “ER.” (<–That’s my expression but feel free to use it.) Anyway, here’s some more news from fantasy baseball:
Kevin Slowey – Once upon a midnight dweawy, Slowey pondewed weak and weawy as he was sent to the buwwpen.
Kendrys Morales – Shut down now because of soreness in his foot. Must be from carrying around that extra S.
Chris Coghlan – Will be ready for Opening Day. Man, that’s some yawnstipating news.
Ben Francisco – Haven’t seen this doode on too many teams in the comments. Why is that? Not rhetorical.
Brett Gardner – Will bat leadoff against righties. How is he worse than Ellsbury? Rhetorical!
Frank Francisco – Wait a second, he went to see Dr. Freeze and now he’s going to the DL? That’s just crazy talk. I’d grab Rauch, but, unfortunately, Dotel is looking healthy so he could monkey wrench up this shituation.
Curtis Granderson – Out with a strain of the oblique. Better than one of those monkey strains that Dustin Hoffman saved the world from in Outbreak. Or is it?! Yeah, I think it probably is. As of this roundup, no news how long Grandy would be out but I’m guessing he’ll miss at least two weeks of the season.
Eugenio Velez – Sprained his ankle. Dusty Baker said of Velez’s ankles, “I’d like to chew on those toothpicks.”
Will Rhymes – As reported here last week here then argued about how I was wrong in the comments, Rhymes is starting at 2nd for the Tigers. Since Leyland’s making out the lineup cards, he’ll probably hit Rhymes second. Why do you care? Because Will be rhyming and stealing. It’s SAGNOF, ya’ll. Act like you know, MC Lyte.
Marlon Byrd – Has been on fire in spring training. And, usually, you put a bowl of crap in one hand and spring training stats in the other and see which one weighs more. Yet… Actually this is a big YET, Byrd will hit third in the lineup and had a big 1st half last year. And that’s Grey getting excited about a Byrd in the three hole! Hmm, that sounds like something that could get you prison time.
Jake Peavy – Threw from 40 feet yesterday. Only problem it was 40 feet high. He dropped the ball from a building.
