The other day I talked about the dark underbelly of roster expansion and how, due to teams not DL’ing their players, it can actually hurt us in this thing we call life. Well, some of us call it fantasy baseball instead of life. Some of the less obsessed of us. To those people, I ptooey in your direction. If you’re not completely obsessed over your hobby, let me say this… Get a new hobby! The national pastime’s pastime? Maybe if you’re a stutterer! This shizz is more like the national pastime’s full-time, 24/7 job like taking care of your uncle who has been lying on your sofa for a month because your aunt started dating a guy she met on Tinder! “Uncle Frank, maybe you put on sweatpants so I can have company.” No, Uncle Frank won’t put on sweatpants, just like you won’t have company until you find another first baseman to replace Anthony Rizzo. Uncle Frank is comfortable in his gotchies! Are you kapeeshing me? So, Rizzo has a muscle strain, and the Cubs said they would DL him if the rosters hadn’t expanded, but instead they’re going to let Anthony Rizzo slice garlic really thin — so thin it melts when it hits the pan — while he whittles away the year on the bench. Sadly, you have to move on to another first baseman in redraft leagues. You can’t count on him the rest of the season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Masahiro Tanaka – After throwing, he’s feeling fine. Only he sung it like Jay Bennett.
Shane Greene – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER. The Regression Fairies bucket list includes having sex with Anderson Cooper, they can quote scenes from Kissing Jessica Stein and they will take your ratios and vomit down their neck.
Martin Prado – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer, but left with a hamstring injury. If Prado’s shut down, they’re gonna have to move Guernica.
Xander Bogaerts – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. I didn’t want Bogaerts on any team this year, and I knew he wasn’t doing great, but I wasn’t sure how awful. He’s hitting .231 with two steals and hideous counting stats. Yikes. Sounds like I’m gonna have to like him next year!
Daniel Nava – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Not bad…If this were April 12th.
Mookie Betts – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer. He’s also taken his rightful place towards the top of the Sawx lineup. He reminds me a bit of Arismendy — so that’s an Arisreminder? — only Betts doesn’t strike out in the on-deck circle.
Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.25. Right about now, I’d kinda like to see Sonny drive into a toll booth.
James Paxton – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA up to 1.91. Yup, I’d own him in your league. Yup, yours too. And yours… Well, that’s NL-Only, so no.
Austin Jackson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th steal, hitting near-.350 in the last week. Austin’s doing a lot better recently than the food trucks did in Austin in The Great Food Truck Race. Tyler Florence makes me want to Hulk smash my TV, but I can’t stop watching it. Not to mention, I’m friends with one of the food truck operators. I’m embarrassed to say which one. Let’s just say, yee haw.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 15th homer. What do we owe this honor? Was it good karma because I left 15.4% tip on a $12 bill? Watch Bruce hit ten homers in the next three weeks and save your H2H season. Or do nothing for the next three weeks. Either are as likely.
Mat Latos – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.46. Dallas Latos had her hands full on Twitter last night. See, she was trying to get someone to leak some photos of her.
J.J. Hardy – Didn’t start yesterday due to lower back spasms. He told the doctor, “What a spazz!” And the doctor said, “Hardy har har.” They’re really yukking it up!
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer. Hush now, Schoop, I’ll talk all about you in December with my sleepers.
C.J. Wilson – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Flake free, my ass. It’s the Astros. The K-Solo’s of the major leagues. Strikeout or solo homer. You let them rally on you with four straight hits? Woebegone and we be gone to another starter.
Jose Altuve – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (50). If you only drafted 2nd basemen six feet and under, you had a 50/50 chance of scoring. Those odds change if you tried drafting Rogers Hornsby and other dead 2nd basemen.
Robbie Grossman – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. You let Robbie effin’ Grossman beat you, C.J. Wilson. The star of The Chosen! Pitiful.
Kennys Vargas – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his– No, that’s not right. His’s 5th homer. That looks wrong. Hisses? Nah. I know! It’s their fifth homer. That’s it.
Tyler Flowers – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homers and batting behind him was Marcus Semien (1-for-5, 1 run). That’s right, Flowers opened the door every time for Semien to get a shot.
Juan Lagares – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th and 9th steals. Now has five steals in the last five games. Before the Mets game was over, I went to pick up Lagares. Of course, he wasn’t there anymore, but I suggest you go check your waiver wire. Hot schmotato alert!
David Wright – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. Can’t keep a good man down. Wright isn’t that good man. I was reading a fortune cookie. Add ‘in bed’ at your own risk.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 35th homer. Only one more to go!
Brad Penny – 3 IP, 4 ER. It would’ve been a visualization of the entire Marlins organization, if during the game a unicorn would’ve puked on Penny.
Christian Yelich – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Call that man an Uber, he’s too young to drive the ball like that!
Justin Upton – Left yesterday’s game with a left triceps contusion. That’s medical bingo-bango for a Charley horse.
Kyle Kendrick – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 4.77 vs. the Braves. To paraphrase Del the Funkee Homosapien, “Maybe this was just my upbringing perhaps, but I was taught that your bats shouldn’t take seven day naps.” Somebody please wave some smelling salts under the Braves bats.
Carlos Ruiz – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Braves took umbrage to his home run trot. Ruiz stopped at each base, took a Social Studies test, failed and did the pee-pee dance to the next base. Maybe he’s taking too much Adderall.
Ben Revere – 2-for-5, 1 run and two steals (41, 42), hitting .311. On the fo’really, how did I own him for 120 ABs and only get 6 steals? You owned him for the wrong 120 ABs. It was rhetorical, Random Italicized Voice. The Oracle from The Matrix? Forget it.
Mike Minor – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. Slightly yawnstipating start where he should’ve dominated. Guess it’s better than him getting mollywhopped in good matchups as he was doing the first few months.
Kolten Wong – Didn’t start again due to his neck. Wong, quit playing games with my heart. My heart! That’s not me quoting the Backstreet Boys, that’s me quoting Christian Slater in the movie where he had a baboon heart.
Michael Wacha – Returning to the rotation on Thursday. Returning to the rotation on Thursday! Hmm, not sure why the balloons didn’t fall from the ceiling. Perhaps they know that Wacha’s not ready to throw anywhere near a full game. Such smart balloons. Wacha might throw 50+ pitches on Thursday, then get to 75 pitches the time after. He’s essentially rehabbing in the majors, because the minor league season ended.
Adam Wainwright – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Looks more like an arm on life support than a dead arm. Since I don’t own him, can we get Michael Jackson’s doctor to look at it?
Gregory Polanco – 0-for-1 as he was recalled from Triple-A and didn’t start. Better to up your sleeper value for next year. Stay on the bench for three weeks!
Starling Marte – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. That’s to go along with 25 steals. He is batting 7th though. I know what you’re thinking, his batting average must be awful. Actually, it’s .273. So, better still, what’s Clint Hurdle thinking? He needs Andrew Lambo batting 2nd? Or he thinks of the two-hole and he needs to fill it with crap?
Jordy Mercer – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. Not particularly flashy. Not especially good. The best Major League Jordy? You bet your sweet ass!
Carlos Gomez – Shut down for a week due to his wrist. See what I said about Rizzo. Okay, take that and subtract two weeks and add a snarky comment about CarGo’s. Unlike Rizzo, the Brewers are playing for something. Yes, it seems like they’re playing their way out of the playoffs, but that’s something. So, Gomez might only be sidelined for ten to twelve days. It’s still not great and I could see moving on in some leagues.
Starlin Castro – Left yesterday’s game with a sprained ankle and will undergo an MRI. He injured himself tripping over his droopy eyelid.
Jake Arrieta – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. It’s time for everyone’s favorite program that I enjoy more than everyone else: What has Arrieta done on my team? In 86 1/3 IP, he has a 2.40 ERA, 0.87 WHIP and 92 Ks. Prettttay, prettttay good.
Jorge Soler – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI. The real question at this point is can anyone get him out? Short answer is no. Long answer is noooooooooooooooo.
Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.43. As Rhett Miller would say, starting YoGa is like long division.
Derek Holland – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. Really hard for me to recommend him right now. The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t mind his next start, but let’s break it down with some common sense. The Rangers are Danny Trejo ugly, Holland is bound to be rusty and he can’t grow a respectable mustache. The pros: maybe he’s well rested having missed the entire season. Meh, it’s risky.
Alex Rios – 3-for-4 and his 17th steal. That makes up for five months of hell. Are you glad, Alex Rios? You’ve made me feel like I’m dating Chris Brown and am scared to criticize you.
Jarrod Dyson – 0-for-1, 1 run and 3 steals. I’m not even sure how one steals three bases with an 0-for-1, and I’d prefer if no one told me. I want to think it was a Little League-type situation where he pointed and screamed, “Ice cream truck,” and then ran around the bases.
J.D. Martinez – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, tying Miggy. J.D.’s also hitting for a better average than Cabrera. Are we witnessing a player coming of age, a star mitzvah? I wouldn’t mail him a $36 check just yet.
Kyle Lobstein – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks. Wow, 10 Ks. Good ol’ Lobstein was playing possum like one of those great Asian ping pong players from the 70’s that Nixon enjoyed. In reality — no, not reality! — he throws 89 MPH and is not a great strikeout threat. The Stream-o-Nator hates him and I agree.
Carlos Carrasco – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 10 Ks. What was it, 10-K night in Cleveland? I guess better than Drew Carey night. Unlike The Stein of Lob, I do trust Carrasco, and would own him.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer, hitting .230. Due to people who hate batting average drains, I bet Santana comes at a nice discount next year. And, regarding nothing in particular, I just texted Cougs “ten minutes” and it autocorrected to “ten Mitres,” I can only imagine it meant multiple Sergio Mitres. My autocorrect is a fantasy baller!
Cody Allen – 1/3 IP, 3 ER and his 2nd appearance in a row allowing runs. Prolly means nothing, except many tears for his owners. I’d be lying if I told you I didn’t pick up Bryan Shaw just in case Allen’s recent struggles mean something.
A.J. Pollock – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “How many Pollocks does it take to tell you to put him in your lineup?” and was immediately sent for sensitivity training for the 2nd time in a month.
Odrisamer Despaigne – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Wade Miley (7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks). In a matchup of I Should’ve Streamed Him vs. I Should’ve Streamed Him, it ended just liked it started — with two no decisions.
Cory Spangenberg – Hit his first homer, a pinch-hit number to win the game. Spangenberg is living up to his name, which is German for pleasuring yourself.
Adam LaRoche – Sat out yesterday due to his sore back and might miss a few games. His dad called him to say, “I know an eephus, I don’t know no doofus, get on the field!” Tough love, from Papa LaRoche.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer and third in three games. Don’t get too excited because at any moment he could run through a wall like the Kool-Aid Man. Oh, yeah.
Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Gonna be fun to watch Mattingly throw Kershaw and Greinke on two days rest for the entire month of October.
Yasiel Puig – Sat yesterday for Joc Pederson (1-for-3). I don’t think this means the Puig’s up. I think Joc’s going to bounce around to give everyone a breather. Hopefully, he’s not like that office floater who stole your job. *pats my heart, points to you* I won’t forget.
Juan Uribe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, as he hits near-.450 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Michael Morse – Diagnosed with a strained oblique. Well, actually the Giants said two days ago it was his hip, but when teams can’t figure out what’s wrong with someone they say it’s the oblique. The injury catch-all.
Buster Posey – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 19th homer. Having himself a solid season, but the Giants were in Coors last night, so the more surprising thing was Pablo Sandoval going 0-for-5 as the Giants scored 12 runs. Ticker tease!
Andrew Susac – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Susac seems to go 3-for-5 in every game he’s in. In only 20 games, he has 3 homers and is batting .288. Love to see Posey moved to 1st base full-time next year and Susac get the starting job. Could be a huge deep league surprise next year. Well, less a surprise after I just said it.
DJ LeMahieu – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. French DJs are by and large terrible and this one isn’t any different.
Jeremy Hellickson – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Looks like he’s finally got his stuff back.