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The afternoon started with Matt Harvey.  He pitched a stellar 7 innings with 13 Ks, but Terry Collins sent him out there in the 8th after throwing 110 pitches, which lead to two singles and a walk, three runners that the bullpen let in.  After the game, Collins said, “I felt bad for Duda (who blew a chance for a Harvey no-hitter by not covering first base on Heyward’s infield single).  I couldn’t let Duda make the only Metsake of the game.  I was going to keep pitching Harvey until he screwed up.  He’d have started the nightcap, if necessary.”  Fortch, it wasn’t necessary, as the nightcap brought on Zack Wheeler‘s debut with a line of 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks.  To summarize, it was shaky as all get-out at first.  He looked like he couldn’t hit the broadside of Precious.  Then he either calmed, or realized something — if he could locate, no one could hit him.  He can easily be as good as Harvey, but I’m guessing it won’t be until next year.  Last night was the best you could’ve hoped for.  To summarize that summary, he was shaky, then solid.  To summarize the summary’s summary, Zack good.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Evan Gattis – Hit the DL with an oblique strain.  No one is sure how it happened or where it is, so they called it oblique and moved on.

Andrelton Simmons – 3-for-7, 1 run and 2 steals.  He was about the only one who looked like he had Wheeler figured out.  Obviously, Wheeler should’ve lined his cap with aluminum foil so Simmons couldn’t read his mind.

Lonnie Chisenhall – 0-for-3 as he was recalled from Triple-A Columbus.  He missed his plane, so Trevor Bauer threw him to Cleveland.  Chisenhall is fine for AL-Only leagues right now, but so is Brandon Barnes, so we’re not talking a huge vote of confidence.  Lonnie’s good for some pop and a flop on average.  The ol’ pop and flop, isn’t that a basketball move?

Ubaldo Jimenez – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  I nearly went with the Stream-o-Nator for this start (it was $5), but didn’t have the gumption.  Ya know, streamers are like a box of chocolates…

Ervin Santana – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, 2.64 ERA.  Hasn’t been a 2.64 ERA good, I mean, only about 4 pitchers are that good, but Ervin hasn’t been that far off.  He’s around a 7 K-rate and well under a 2 walk rate.   How has Ervin cut his walks so dramatically?  I don’t know, maybe black Magic.

Chris Archer – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks.  The only surprising thing about this rookie pitcher start is I didn’t have him on my team for it.

Alex Colome – Rhett Miller’s favorite starter is returning to replace Cobb.  Colome will get the Yankees, then if he stays around, he’ll get the Blue Jays.  Alex will be Colo during those starts.  You know, without me.

Jake Odorizzi – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks in Fenway.  Maddon said, “When we play two, Jake’s our man.”  Not hearing the comma pause, everyone yelled, “Please, no, that’s a terrible movie,” but Maddon was just saying this was a spot start due to the doubleheader.

Kelly Johnson – 2-for-3 and a homer.  I literally dropped him five minutes before he hit his homer.  I’d say bomb voyage, but he was a sonavabench!  The Rays are filled with players who need at-bats now that Myers is up.  I wouldn’t necessarily drop Johnson in all leagues, but I was carrying four middle infielders, and Rudy refused my trade offer of Kelly Johnson for Huston Street.  Yeah, it’s bad form to try to trade a guy you’re looking to drop, but what am I, a tennis pro?  What do I care about form?

Wil Myers – 1-for-7.  Let’s just say this was a terrible day to own any Rays hitters and move on, shall we?

Clay Buchholz – Placed on the DL with a strained neck.  He said, “My neckholz, my neckholz!”

Alfredo Aceves – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (3 BBs), 2 Ks.  I bet you a million dollars if he had pitched another inning, he would’ve gave up at least 3 runs.  Too bad there’s no way of knowing, I just had the money laundered and everything.

David Ortiz – 4-for-8, 3 RBIs.  There’s some angry Corey Hart owners over their choice of draft DL stash.

Andrew Bailey – 1 IP, 1 ER, but was the escape goat.  He’s now blown two of his last 4 saves and has given up runs in three of his last four games.  Bailey doesn’t give up runs…when he’s healthy.  Ergo, therefore, vis-a-vis, henceforth…What was I gonna say?  Oh yeah!  Bailey could be hurt.  I grabbed Tazawa where I could.

Felix Doubront – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I liked Doubront in the preseason, but then his ERA was around 6 and a half and Doubront was to me The Walking Dead on The Green Mile.  He now has about a month of decent, but not great starts and gets the Tigers next.  I’ll be watching him like a cyclops with a monocle, but not picking him up yet.

Rafael Betancourt – Threw in the bullpen and looks on schedule to return at the end of the month and regain the closer job from Rex Brothers.  For now Rex’s in effect, and all he wants to do is zoom zoom zoom and a poom poom.

Josh Rutledge – 0-for-4.  It’s almost like Walt Weiss is personally challenging me by batting Rutledge leadoff.  “Here, you handsome mustachioed man, let’s see how many 0-for-5’s you can handle.”  That’s Walt Weiss as he longingly touches his face where his mustache should be.

Esmil Rogers – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  Got the early run support and then cruised to the free room at the W.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, batting .268.  Toronto’s North of Buffalo Hot Edwings!  What?  No good?

J.P. Arencibia – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer.  Random Razzball Commenter, “Hmm…Maybe I should pick up Arencibia after dropping him two days ago.”  Random Razzball Commenter in three days, “You think I should drop Arencibia?”

Brandon Morrow – Experienced a setback.  I’m experiencing a flashback.

John Buck – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer.  Homered in the first game then his backup, Anthony Recker homered in the 2nd.  That’s one-two Recker with the boom boom boom and a boom boom.

Marlon Byrd – 5-for-8, 1 run, 1 RBI and a steal.  The caged Byrd does sing!  No, he’s not good in the big picture, but he’s currently a hot schmotato.

Omar Quintanilla – 3-for-7 with 3 RBIs.  He must be in Terry Collins’ doghouse, because he’s now batting 8th, which is death for NL.  At least he’s not being made to clean the doghouse like Valdespin, who only saw two pinch-hit at-bats in the entire doubleheader.  Valdespin should just apologize for sleeping with Collins’ wife so they both can move on.

Eric YoungMets acquired him.  The Mets now have more 4th outfielders than the Yankees have 4th decaders.

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 with his 17th, a walk-off number.  Au Shizz!

Randall Delgado – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the MIA Marlins.  Let’s see it again against a major league offense.

Nate Eovaldi – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks.  As I said yesterday, I like Eovaldi and he gets the Giants next.  There’s about as much chance for a win with the Marlins as there is Jeffrey Loria tracing his lineage and not seeing a connection with the devil, but I could see an Eovaldi stream (which they then bottle and charge $7 for).

Brandon Crawford – Left the game with sprains to his index and middle fingers.  Gonna have a hard time giving peace a chance.

Gregor Blanco – 2-for-3, run, RBI and steal.  Blanco has one color, that’s SAGNOF!  Which is an off-shade of apricot.

Matt Cain – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Ship’s around, full steam ahead!

Jesus Guzman – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs vs. his old team.  I knew it, Guzman has spitey sense.

Logan Forsythe – 2-for-4, 2 runs, RBI and a slam (2) and legs (1).  Damn, was about to get jazzed on him, but he hasn’t done much since his first game back.  Though, he’s worth watching for a Logan’s run, which they’ll rename to Hunger Games.

Carlos Ruiz – 1-for-3 as he was activated from the DL.  The Chooch train rides again.  Or simply Chooch Chooch.

Cliff Lee – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks.  I’m running out of adverbs for The Adverb.

Michael Young – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting over .300 in the last week with nothing else to show for it.  This must be how Burt Young felt with that surname for the last 60 years.  Is Burt Young alive?  He’s gotta be like 130 years old.  He was old in the 70’s.

Starling Marte – 2-for-5, run, RBI and steal.  If you drafted him, you’re looking pretty S. Marte.

Russell Martin – 1-for-3, run, RBI and steal.  The Mar- vista looked pretty good going from 1st to 2nd yesterday.

Charlie Morton – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks, and Morton stole one for the Pirates but no bases.  You need the, “Ai-Ai!”

Jayson Werth – 1-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last four games.  Could he be a rising Zombino?

Jeff Samardzija – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Cards.  Nice bounce back from his recent troubles as he went into The House of Cards and said “I’m gonna make you look as bad as the Netflix show of the same name.”

Cody Ransom – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer.  Cody’s a decent guy if you can platoon him in and out of your lineup for when he plays, but don’t let Ransom hold you hostage.

Yadier Molina – 3-for-3, 1 RBI, hitting .367, which leads the major leagues in average.  He’s also the top rated catcher on our Player Rater.  He also has an obscene BABIP, and according to our AVG vs. BABIP chart, he should be hitting around 80 points lower.  If his average falls and he continues on a ten homer pace, it’s not gonna be as pretty.

Jordan Lyles – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  So, what you’re telling me is this was the Astros streamer to go with instead of Norris?  For serious, Lyles has been terrific for about a month now.  Rocking an under 2 ERA in the last 30 days; under .200 BAA; incredible K to walk ratio; superlative; superlative; superlative.  He gets the Cubs next; yup, I’d grab him.  Damn, blew out my semi-colon key.

Matt Dominguez – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 10th homer.  This is the first thing he’s done of note in about two weeks.  You’d think Dominguez would at least show up every Sunday.

Carlos Pena – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBis and his 7th homer.  If anyone’s followed Pena’s career (from a distance, it smells — damn, a semi-colon would’ve been nice there!), Pena will hit another homer in the next four days.  He could hit 5 homers in the next 7 days.  Nick, the Podcast Host, voice, “You have been advised.”

Juan Francisco – 3-for-4, 1 run and he hit a homer on Saturday.  It could be his turn to get hot.  Your deity of choice knows he’s taken forever.

Alfredo Figaro – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER vs. the Astros.  Figaro’s more like The Barber of Shitsville.

Jarrod Parker – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks in Arlington.  I’ll say it for you, sonavabench!  Wanna hear the world’s worst consolation?  At least you can start him confidently in his next start.

Brandon Moss – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer.  He’s out of his mind right now, and he was this week’s Creeper.  Well played, Sky, now go thank him at our fantasy football blog.

John Jaso – 1-for-4 with a homer, batting over .350 in the last week.  John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt is your hot schmotato and he’s mine too!

Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks.  His ERA is up to 3.72 and WHIP is 1.35.  Verlander was out-dueled by Zach Britton (5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K).  Britton?  He’s not even from this country!  Has the nearly 270 innings per year finally caught up to Verlander?  He’s not exactly a spring chicken at 30 years old.  He’s also not on a spring roll, which is what Iwakuma has been on.  The good news, he’s been unlucky and should be pitching better.  The even better news, if you don’t own him, you could trade for him cheaply.  There is no better news if you own him.

J.J. Hardy – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer.  He reminds me of a young Dan Uggla.  I will call him Dan Wearing Uggsla.

Matt Kemp – Running at 75%.  One coach wanted to say he was running at 73%, but he was overturned when the other coaches accounted for headwind.

Justin Smoak – 1-for-5 with a homer as he was activated from the DL.  He’d look better for fantasy if he were Justin Smoak-n-mirrors.

Raul Ibanez – 1-for-5 with his 14th homer.  Ready to blow your mind?  He’s been about twice as valuable this year as Josh Hamilton.

Oliver Perez – Came in and threw a solid inning.  Unfortch, that inning was in the 7th, then Wilhelmsen dropped a turd in the 8th, giving up the lead.  Perez didn’t do anything to lose the possible ninth inning job, but it was only possible to begin with.  Yoervis Medina and Charlie Furbush have also been good, but I wouldn’t speculate on more than one guy at this point.  Perez got the first save, Yoervis got last night’s, so flip a coin and grab one.  Remember, if either Perez or Yoervis were flipping the coin, it would likely go wide right by three feet.  For now, I have Perez.  This could go a few different ways as it’s a total shituation.

Michael Morse – Sat out with a quad injury.  Member how good he looked in Spring Training and the first week of April.  Ah, the laughs we had.  And you with that snort.

Joe Mauer – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer.  Wanna get laid in Minnesota?  Tell a girl your jeep has Mauer steering.

Paul Konerko – 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI.  The mirror under Konerko’s nose finally fogged up!

Gordon Beckham – 2-for-4, 1 run.  Now has at least two hits in 4 of his last eight games.  I’d say I don’t want to make too big of a deal of this because he hasn’t shown any power or speed, but it’s impossible to make a big deal about anything Beckham does.

Kevin Youkilis – Needs back surgery and will miss three months.  Brucely, I’m surprised by all of these Yankee injuries.  Putting together a kickass 2004 team wasn’t a good idea?  Weird!

Mat Latos – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks.  For someone who has a 3.14 ERA over the last 12 months, he’s probably the most challenging guy to own.  He seems to hover between you wanting to sound off on him and then he becomes lights out.  Unlike his wife who seems like she’d be lights on and sound off.

Joe Blanton – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks.  That turned the Stream-o-Nator into the Cream-in-Pantser.

Josh Hamilton – 0-for-5, 3 double plays with Trout on.  He held Trout back so blatantly he should be called Hamiltoe.