Why don’t I have Yu Darvish on any teams? Why don’t I have him on every team? It’s not like I ranked him low in the preseason. Maybe not crazy high, but I should’ve drafted him once. In ten leagues, you would’ve thought it had to happen. I wanna find a Japanese man and feed him grapes and tell him, “Yu are beautiful.” I wanna walk five paces in front of a Japanese woman and tell her how much I love Yu. He just jazzes me up so much I wanna do weird shizz with Japanese people! Something that takes my mind off not owning Yu in fantasy and transports me to living in some kind of weird fantasy with Yu surrogates. Cradle me in your arms, Japanese surrogate that I found on the street, and tell me Yu love me too. So, yesterday, Yu was dazzling again. This was his fourth game with 14 strikeouts as he went seven strong with zero earned runs and only five baserunners, resurrecting the Diamondhacks. After yesterday’s game, Arizona now wants to close all borders. It’s a little early to be talking about this, but I want Yu Darvish in every fantasy league in 2014, but I know now I won’t be able to afford him. Come here, Japanese surrogate, you fill in for Yu. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Lance Berkman – Said he planned on retiring, then someone told him it would mean forfeiting the remainder of his $10 million contract, so he’s reconsidered. Expanding on that, he said, “Big Puma isn’t a Big Jackass.”
A.J. Pierzynski – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. No actual research done for this, but I swear he’s hit every homer on a short schedule day. Will someone please remind me to pick him up the next short schedule day? Could you also remind me that I asked you to remind me? Otherwise, I may not pay attention.
David Murphy – 3-for-4 and his 12th homer. Now has two homers in the last eight games, and hasn’t done a whole lot else in that time. I always like to go to him when he hits a homer because he usually hits them in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana.
Miguel Montero – Hits the DL with a back strain. Obviously there was a reason Mitsubishi discontinued the Montero.
Tom Wilhelmsen – 4 ER and zero outs recorded. I hear his nickname is The Bartender. Makes sense since he’s quick to look like a joke or to get lit up, smoked. I’d say this is about as bad as a blown save as you could have, but technically it wasn’t even a save opportunity…They were up by 5 runs! It was like his hand grew an asshole and he ate prunes before he went to the mound. What a disaster. So, if I were trying to vulture saves from this shituation, I’d grab Medina, but he didn’t look great yesterday either. His ERA only escaped because he simply let in all inherited runs. Perez could also see an opportunity. He too hasn’t looked good. It’s not a closepocalypse, but it’s a sizable tremor.
Ryan Dempster – 6 IP, 7 ER, 14 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Mariners. Thankfully, I didn’t get roped into this seemingly safe stream that turned into a Cleveland Streamer. Dempster’s season ERA is now at 4.54. Nice sleeper call, JB! Sideways emoticon who is definitely not drinking Merlot.
Shane Victorino – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. He also has 14 steals on the year. I wouldn’t be shocked to see him get to 12 homers and 25 steals on the year, which means he has a decent amount of stats left in his bat.
Carlos Gonzalez – Sat out again with his finger problem. Seems like he has to, he has to, he has to let it linger.
Julio Teheran – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA down to 3.02. Whether you own him or not, you want him to raise his ERA to around 3.40 if you have any hope of owning him next year. If he manages to get his ERA just below 3.00. Then forget it, or if my Italian side of the family is reading fahgettaboudit.
Justin Upton – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and two homers. One month on, three months off. Like clockwork!
Chris Johnson – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs. That whole one month on, three months off thing could go for the whole Braves team. They are all on fire again and I wouldn’t go near them with any pitchers. Oh, and Chris Johnson is still leading the NL in batting average. WHUT.
Jason Heyward – 1-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Give me two months of hotness purdy purdy purreese.
Chris Getz – Hit the DL. A crushing blow for those playing in the Guardian Angel-sponsored league where Getz went in the first round.
Billy Butler – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. At least that’s what the box score said, but it doesn’t make sense — only two ribbies for Butler and a run. Please.
Josh Willingham – Set to begin a rehab assignment and hopes to return early next week. He also hopes for world peace and an end to the show Restaurant Stakeout.
Aaron Hicks – 0-for-4 then demoted to Triple-A Rochester as Hicks got sent to the sticks. Now, in Rochester, Hicks won’t be the only white hot garbage at the plate. The Twins replaced him with Oswaldo Arcia, if they can locate him in his striped shirt and blue pants.
James Shields – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks. He was saved an extra two runs when Cain brought back a homer by Plouffe. Afterwards, Cain and Shields celebrated and Plouffe just said his last name, which causes one to raspberry their lips.
Justin Morneau – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. He ran around the bases backwards screaming, “I am the concusstador!”
Alex Rodriguez – Supposed to start a rehab assignment today. He’s living in worse denial than the people on Catfish. I don’t mean the people who are being fooled, I mean the people who are pretending to be fooled thinking they are actually fooling the audience. At least the guests who pretended to be losers to get on the Ricki Lake show now have a new show to pretend to be losers on.
Juan Lagares – 2-for-4. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column because that shizz is already written and I don’t feel like adding to it, but Lagares could be there. He’s hitting near-.340 in the last week and really should be leading off. I’m farting in your direction, Eric Young.
Matt Harvey – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks in 110 pitches. If I were the Mets, I’d count this start as eight innings because of the high pitch count. Then again, I don’t own him in fantasy and am trying to get him shut down.
Tom Koehler – 6 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. Had the good fortune of going against Harvey. The Mets are 12-10 in games started by Harvey and in those ten losses the Mets have scored 19 runs. Harvey’s actually nowhere near the bottom for least amount of runs scored for him. Bottom two there: Chris Sale and Stephen Strasburg. Speaking of which…
Chris Sale – 5 IP, 5 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks to move his ERA to 2.92 and record to 6-11. One more win and he’ll start carrying around a Big Gulp and cylindrical hamburgers.
Justin Masterson – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Shite Sox, lowering his ERA to 3.33. He has more Ks than innings and is a near-top ten starter on the year, according to our Player Rater. I kid you not.
Ryan Raburn – 2 HRs — nice! 4 RBIs — always useful! Rudy was too busy to stream Raburn for the 48th time this year against a lefty and missed out on this game — priceless!
Drew Stubbs – 3-for-4, 2 runs. He has 11 steals on the year, he should have around 30. He has 7 homers, he should have around 10. Okay, so that’s not a huge discrepancy.
Charlie Morton – 6 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks. The Regression Fairies debate how some of ‘these people’ got on Project Runway, they know someone who knows someone that knows Jodie Foster and they will sneak attack your ERA and WHIP.
Joe Kelly – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. You could have a 3-something ERA on the Cards. Don’t look behind you. I mean, you. You don’t have to point at yourself. There’s only one of you (thankfully). Seriously, the Cards just turn marginal pitchers into fantasy stalwarts. Since June 1st, Kelly’s ERA is 1.50. Sure, I’d grab him until he turns into a pumpkin. No offense, Matt Adams.
David Freese – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI. I’m a broken record with this guy, but I just find it hard to believe he won’t get crazy hot at some point. I’d definitely be watching him. I’m a broken record with this guy, but I just find it hard to believe he won’t get crazy hot at some point. I’d definitely be watching him. I’m a broken– Sorry.
Jon Jay – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs. The Federalist has done so little this year for power, speed or average, but he is hitting near-.320 in the last week and he’s also overdue. I know, it seems hard to believe the Cardinals have played as well as they have with guys that could be better.
Junior Lake – 2-for-4 with two homers. Sure seemed like this Lake dried up quicker than the Pacific Ocean in a 200,000 year-long time-lapse film produced by Al Gore, so I dropped him and DAAAAHHH!!! Oh, well, will have to re-pick him up– DAH! He’s already gone! I wanted to go back in the Lake, I wanted his speed/power Taco Bell/Pizza Hut combo. Damn, got the Junior wince.
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-3 and also hit two solo homers, and his second and third homer in the last two games. If you had faith in the Rest of the Season Player Rater, life’s feeling just a tad bit easier today.
Sergio Santos – Returned from the DL. You in March, “Yo, Grey, your mustache is my Van Gogh, and if I had ovaries, I’d have your baby. Now, for my question, should I stash Santos? Will he get saves?” You in August, “Who is Sergio Santos?”
Josh Johnson – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER. In the offseason, the Blue Jays are gonna need Lorena Bobbit to come in and fix their team.
Kendrys Morales – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and hitting near-.400 in the last week. Much to my surprise, he’s owned in 100% of leagues. I mean, I’m not surprised in that he shouldn’t be, I’m surprised that you’re on it. Kudos aren’t just a gross candy bar.
Kyle Seager – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 4th steal, hitting near-.450 in the last week. Teams go through phases where even bad offensive teams get hot, and, right now, this instance, interjection, I wouldn’t go near the Mariners.
Brett Wallace – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer in the last four games. Wallace isn’t exactly slapping the world on the ass and telling it to say his name, but this might be a sign of him getting hot.
Bud Norris – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks as his wish finally came true, “I wish I could pitch against the Astros rather than for them.” I would’ve just wished to be the best pitcher in baseball if I were him, but what do I know?
Chris Davis – 2-for-4 and his 39th homer. Five more homers by next weekend and the Maris family begins plotting out where they’re going to be in September like they’re in National Lampoon’s Vacation with Rusty trying to eat the family truckster with Pac-Man.
Nate McLouth – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Member the days when he was stealing every time he got on? If you don’t remember, you might want to see a doctor since it was only about a month ago.
Henry Urrutia – 2-for-4, 2 runs and hitting near-.350 since his call-up, but the bungle-O’s keep platooning him. I grabbed him in one league where I’m desperately trying to kick start my offense, and Hitter-Tron likes him in today’s start vs. The Harangtuan.
Hunter Pence – 3-for-4, 1 run and his 15th steal. In the next three days, he will hit his 15th homer or he will end up in a mental ward.
Ethan Martin – Recalled by the Phils to start tonight. He was once a touted prospect that has fallen on tough times for a few years. How few years, you ask. Well, that’s an awkward question. I’m assuming you mean how long has he failed. How long has he failed, you ask. Better. He was written up on this site three years ago as someone to watch. In those three years, he’s tumbled from a good prospect in a good farm system to a mediocre prospect in a mediocre farm system. This year in Triple-A, he had a 4.12 ERA and a 5+ BB/9, which is ugly with a side of “Should you care?” No, you shouldn’t outside of matchups in deep leagues.
Cole Hamels – 8 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. Matt Cain 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks faced off in a start that was billed as a clash of two ace pitchers by someone who hasn’t watched baseball all year that writes copy for ESPN. Cole’s got his ERA all the way down to 3.87, and, yes, it’s saying something when I say “all the way down to 3.87.” Meanwhile, Cain last showed glimmers of usefulness when he went eight innings of one-run ball in Coors, only to follow that up with two starts combined of 3 IP and 11 ER, so I wouldn’t say he’s out of the woods yet. What’s he doing in the woods anyway? Maybe that’s why he sucks. Only Roy Oswalt can live in the woods cause he’s country.
Jonathan Papelbon – 1 IP, 2 ER and his 6th blown save. Weird, maybe the Phillies kept him for his dancing.
Domonic Brown – Passed a concussion test. Razzball Exclusive! The concussion test goes like this. Doctor enters a room. He asks you, “Can you hit better than Morneau?” You answer yes. Fin.