Yu Darvish hit the DL with elbow inflammation. In Grey’s 2nd half rankings, he said, “BAM! What? (Darvish) should be in the top 20 with the rest of the big-name pitchers, but I’m worried about an injury, so I ranked him much lower and that gets a BAM!” And that’s me quoting Grey! Dayum, son, Grey called that one. Sure, he called it so long ago that no one even remembers it, but he called it neverthehoo! Actually sounds a bit like Grey is writing this. Oh, shoot, here he comes! Hey, who wrote those previous, beautifully written sentences? Sure as heck wasn’t me! Guess that’s what I get for leaving my computer open at a Starbucks while I order a double foam, half-Sanka, half-espresso mocha, goochie, goochie, ya ya latte, LaBelle-style. Well, I told you I had concerns about Darvish and when I have concerns, I make it happen with my mind like some crazy, telekinetic-fantasy-baseball-Scott-Baio-in-Zapped mofo! The Rangers haven’t given a timetable for Darvish’s return yet, but like I also said in the 2nd half rankings, the Rangers have nothing to play for so they could shut him down. Give him more time with his lady friends. What does Darvish’s girlfriend call Yu’s erections? YD Bulger, and it’s in hiding. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Brandon Phillips – Could begin a rehab assignment on Friday and probably return early next week. Reds manager Bryan Price said. “He’s going to certainly need at least a handful of at-bats to assess…” That’s bootylicious! Oh, wait, that’s a handful of asses. By the by, I Googled how to spell bootylicious cause I’m anal and stupid (terrible mix), and one of the first Google suggestions was the bootylicious Scaptia beyonceae, which is a horsefly named after Beyonce. Seriously.
Homer Bailey – Hit the DL with a right arm injury. The Fantasy Baseball Overlord gets his kicks on Route ’86 that pitcher.’ Reds are confident that Bailey will return this year. Yeah, and people were once confident the earth was flat.
Mike Leake – 5 IP, 5 ER. Leake? More like a flood! *high fives self* Ow, carpal tunnel!
Kris Negron – 2-for-4 and his 2nd steal. Came into the game 0 for his last 11. I love a little Negroni prior to a meal to stimulate my digestive tract, but, until Negron shows more, he reminds me of other things found in my digestive tract.
Anthony Ranaudo – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K as he was pitchslapped by Leake and allowed a homer to Skip Schumaker. This could’ve been uglier if Ranaudo faced only hitters whose primary function is to bunt.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. That’s 15 homers for every nipple his mom shows in a photo.
Yoenis Cespedes – Left yesterday’s game with a bruised hand. He’s day-to-day, and says if he was playing R.B.I. Baseball on Nintendo he would’ve stayed in.
Michael Bourn – Will be activated this Friday. Francona said, “Bournie is doing really well.” Sounds like we’re gonna have a weekend with Bournie.
Trevor Bauer – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. And the start before he was trounced, which only sounds like a made-up word. Tough to say which way Bauer is going on any given day. Sure, in deeper leagues, he’s worth a shot, but I have little faith in him at this point.
Zach Walters – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer in the day game and 0-for-4 in the 2nd game that was 0-0 into the 12th inning until the Diamondbacks hit Chen-Chang Lee (if I were making up that name, I’d be racist). Nothing like killing people’s day by raking up dozens of 1-for-7’s. Walters hasn’t been starting every day, but in AL-Only leagues, assuming the AL isn’t short for Albert, you have to gamble on Walters. He’s got power to spare, middle infield eligibility and Hugh Downs’s number for sexting.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Hisashi my dashi — slurp SLURP!
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Well, an Eskimo stove got hot quicker than him, but it looks like he’s hot now. Do what you do, young prematurely balding man!
Jimmy Rollins – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and 2 steals. Not bad for a grandfather.
Bartolo Colon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Mets game was broadcast on SNY, but Bartolo also appeared on MSG. That’s monosodium glutamate.
Travis d’Arnaud – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer. Now has three homers in the last five games while batting over .300 in the last week. D’hot schmotato alert!
Jordan Zimmermann – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 2.92. His walk rate is down to 1.3, which would be superb on its own, but his K-rate is 8.2 too. Beyond a reasonable doubt, J-Z’s been great.
Rymer Liriano – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. So glad I dropped him prior to this game. I was like, “He’s in Petco and he could have growing pains and what happened to Ben Seaver, is he a churchie too?” and I dropped Rymer. Dah! I wish I had him still.
Jedd Gyorko – 4-for-4, 1 run. Fun fact! In England, they pronounce the letter J as Jedd.
Abraham Almonte – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer on the Padres and 2nd homer on the year. Almonte hasn’t done a whole lot since his trade to the Padres, which is a story older than the Bible. Line starts in Connecticut for guys that have disappointed on the Padres, wraps around the globe twice and ends again in front of Petco. Causes quite the bottleneck.
Yangervis Solarte – Left yesterday’s game with an oblique injury. Sounds like they’re gonna stamp the Yangervisa to the DL.
Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.54. He was the number one SP on the Stream-o-Nator yesterday, which kinda baffled me. SON does love Petco and going against the Rockies on the road. What’s funny that’s not really funny at all, Kennedy’s road ERA is almost a full run better than his home ERA. A Road Scholar who calls Petco home is like a dolphin who eats tuna from a can.
Troy Tulowitzki – Done for the year with surgery on his hip. The Rockies want to get him under the knife so he can be healthy for 2015. Hahahahahahaha… Wait, are they serious? Healthy? Okay, sure. Ow, I just hurt my eyes rolling them.
Carlos Gonzalez – His patella damage has increased since he was put on the DL. Only CarGo or Tulo worsen their injuries on the DL. Only way I draft either next year is if they promise to wrap themselves completely in bubble wrap, and duct tape packing peanuts around their head.
DJ LeMahieu – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. If anyone ever says LeMahieu, it’s proper to say gesundheit.
Chris Archer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA down to 3.24. Hol up. Hol up. Wiz Khalifa says, hol up. 12 Ks? Hol up. You making noise? Hol up, hol up. That’s the entire song, bee tee dubya. Hol up, Archer making noise! Oh, well, it was against the 1969 Rangers team. Yes, that’s before they were a team. Get it? Hol up, hol up, hol up! Next year, I might have a new Tampa crush besides Cobb. Hol up, hol up.
Matt Joyce – 1-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. In this game, Brandon Guyer, who is more man than you, also hit a homer and also only had one hit and Sean Rodriguez hit a homer in five at-bats with no other hits. Takes a whole lot of tryin’ for a team to score ten runs and have the whole team be a bunch of bangfizzles and ticker teases. Is Evan Longoria even playing anymore? He is, right? Someone please check for me.
Buck Farmer – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Buck Farmer? Really? Is he Charlie Manuel’s nephew? Buck Farmer sounds like a manager from the 1890s. Buck Farmer really knew how to get those scalawags in tiptop when facing the Spiders! Only way his name gets better is if it’s short for Bucktoothed Farmer. “Buck Farmer, you can’t wear overalls when you’re playing for us.” “Then, with all due respect to your fine organization, I quit. Sally, come and pick me up. Sally’s my mule.”
Alex Avila – 1-for-3 with his 10th homer and 2nd in as many games. Fine, you’re a hot schmotato! I get it!
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. The Greek God of Yawns has been so yawnstipating the Tigers have even started benching him recently. Worth watching, but not even like a cyclops with a monocle.
Victor Martinez – 3-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .323 with 23 homers on the year. If you were to say the preceding aloud, it would automatically appear on SETI’s list of unexplained sounds.
Travis Snider – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. I see your hot schmotato, Avila, and I raise you a guy that has three homers in the last three games and is batting over .350 in the last week. He’s seeing the ball well, and you should be seeing him to your team, pronto quick fast.
Justin Masterson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA on the Cards down to 6.00. This start was against the MIA Marlins, and he gets the Reds next time out at home. It could be anywhere from 4 IP, 7 ER to 7 IP, 0 ER. There’s no rhyme or reason with Masterson. Well, that does rhyme but doesn’t negate lack of reason.
Byron Buxton – Carted off the field after colliding in his first game at Double-A New Britain. He wasn’t used to the fielders on the wrong side of the road. This is Exhibit 1,264 of how the Twins can’t have anything nice. Buxton was only concussed with no broken bones. His 2014 is likely over though, i.e., the Buxton stops here.
Kyle Gibson – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 3.96. His K-rate is under 5 on the season. That’s ridunk. Bad ridunk, not good ridunk. I.e., a slam ridunk.
Joe Mauer – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. He’s back! Kidding. I don’t even know what him being back means at this point. Maybe 4 homers the rest of the way with a .315 average. That doesn’t sound too far off from best case scenario. It’s all right for a catcher slot if he actually does that.
Danny Santana – 4-for-5, 1 run and his 11th steal, hitting .331. On our 30-day Player Rater, he’s been the 2nd most valuable shortstop in the major leagues with nearly $30 worth of value. That means a month ago if you held an auction and spent $30 on Danny Santana, you got your value.
Kennys Vargas – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs. Is it greedy to want even more Kennys?
Brett Oberholtzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 3.87. Girls said yes, but Grey said no, now he’s in the big show, Remote Control starring Ken Oberholtzer!
Jason Vargas – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 3.27 and his WHIP is 1.20. He should be Jasons Vargas. Gots to pluralize shizz, cuz! Now I’m not saying I’d necessarily run out to own him due to his yawnstipating K-rate, but pitching is pretty damn deep when a guy with those ratios is unowned in more than 80% of leagues.
Omar Infante – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Hispanic Baby Omar says it’s Showtime! And now there’s a lawsuit. Great.
Craig Gentry – Hit off a tee. No word if it was Earl Grey.
Kyle Lohse – Left yesterday’s game after tweaking his ankle. Tweaker!
Tsuyoshi Wada – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA down to 3.15. By no means has he been dazzling, but I’m warming to him. He gets the Mets next, the Stream-o-Nator likes it and I think I’m gonna stream him. You’ve been warned.
Javier Baez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. That’s through 9 games. Eh, prorated over a 162-game season, that’s only a pace for 72 homers. Whatever. That’s not even the record.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Jose Quintana – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA up to 3.14. I sure don’t feel like pi right now.
Adam Dunn – 1-for-3 and his 19th homer, and 2nd day in a row with a homer. All brays to the Big Donkey!
Hyun-Jin Ryu – Left yesterday’s start with an injury to his buttocks. At first it was thought to be a hamstring injury, because he left the mound pointing to it, but it turns out the Korean word for butt is hamstring.
Carl Crawford – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 15th steal. Now hitting close to .500 in the last week. Yup.
Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks. He has a 2.70 ERA since I told you to buy him three weeks ago. It’s not magic, it’s Ervin Santana.
Jayson Werth – Received a cortisone shot on his shoulder, and should return in a few days hitting homers by the dozen. Everyone needs a cortisone boost. This blurb was brought to you by Coldstone Creamery, Hot Fudge Packers Love Us. Pause after the Fudge.
Masahiro Tanaka – Hoping to return this season. And I’m hoping to sell a trillion dollars worth of my plush Princess Di rearview mirror die.
Brian McCann – Will return on Saturday from his concussion. Click the Bose banner in your playlist right now and find out what to expect from him. Hmm, I might have to stop using Spotify. Too many ads.
Michael Pineda – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks. I was pretty close on my expected line I gave Pineda yesterday, minus the debris sticking to his pine-tarred hand. Really depends on your league and team situation on whether you own him. I could see a month of starts around yesterday’s. Doubt the Yanks really push him hard, plus it’s hard wearing those kid gloves. “Are these My Little Pony gloves? Cool!” That’s Joe Girardi.
Manny Machado – Hit the DL with his sprained knee. Regarding his timetable, Machado said, “Whenever I’m able to go out there and be Manny Machado.” Rickey Henderson is suing for use of the 3rd person trademark infringement. I wish someone would’ve asked Machado what exactly is being Manny Machado? Because in his time in the majors, he’s spent more time on the DL with knee injuries than he’s spent playing, so, technically, this might be Manny being Manny.
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-3 with his 11th homer. 2015, it’s me Grey. Hey, hope you’re well. I hear there will be a electrical storm during your April that will render Pago Pago uninhabitable. Thank God for Sean Penn! While I have you on the line, could you promise me Schoop will be a sleeper that will produce. Yeah, yeah, I know, but you also promised me on Josh Rutledge, Brad Miller and Gyorko. Not you, his name is Gyorko. How do you not know that? Any the hoo! That’s irrelevant. Have I told you how much better you look in a skirt than 2014? Yes, striking!